No contact is worse then the pain of being in contact

[usabup]

I honestly feel 100 times worse and depressed now iv adopted No Contact. Even though it really hurt to speak to my ex and have her reject me, I actually felt like I was making better progress and moving on more. Now I'm in NC, I feel a trillion times worse. We have been broken up for 3 months and I feel nearly as bad now as in day 1.

[dreamscape123]

I honestly feel 100 times worse and depressed now iv adopted No Contact. Even though it really hurt to speak to my ex and have her reject me, I actually felt like I was making better progress and moving on more. Now I'm in NC, I feel a trillion times worse. We have been broken up for 3 months and I feel nearly as bad now as in day 1.

 

 

Yep, I know how you feel... I actually broke no contact , but she didnt reply... made me feel even worse.... I think, that if you feel NC is not working for you, try a different approach...

[thelovingkind]

With NC you take a biiiig dip straight away, and things are gut achingly horrible, total rock bottom sadness for a while before they get better. Especially true if your partner was also your main confidant / close friend / emotional support in life.

 

With contact you ride easier at first with bits of denial, false hope, false comfort and breadcrumbs of hope keeping you from hitting rock bottom, but everything drags out and gets worse and worse as all the false hope starts to slip away from you.

 

In the end, I personally think NC wins. NCers are starting to come out of their depression just as the false hope contacters are starting to plunge downward into theirs.

[SWLAD]

I tried limited contact off the bat rather than no contact. I thought that I would rather keep my ex in my life as a friend rather than lose her from my life completely. It's not being friends that's the hard part though, if anything that's easy. We slipped into our friendship easily. It's when you constantly misinterpret their being friendly as romantic advances all the time that makes it difficult.

I tried to carry on trying to use logic to convince myself that there was nothing there but it was impossible. My heart kept leaping with hope at the smallest thing. Trust me, it's easier to keep NC rather than torture yourself with false hope.

[Mack05]

I think NC is mainly for those whose relationship is irretrievable. It also helps to give each other space to take a look at the relationship from afar. When a relationship breaks down, the experts say you should give each other at least 2 months of clear space. This idea horrifies a lot of people because they feel they are losing control of the situation. "What happens if they don't want me back", "What happens if they meet someone else". The answer is simple. If they don't come back it just wasn't meant to be. I mean do people want to stay in contact with their ex's to pester them into submission, so that they will give things another go??. That right there is a recipe for disaster in so many ways...If I have learnt one thing pestering, pleading, manipulating does not work. I am guilty of all three and still embrassed about the things I did. The ex (in the main) deserves freedom and free will to make his/her choice without being influenced by the dumpee.

 

If you stay in contact and then go NC it is of course way harder. That is why most people go NC immediately. U waited a few months. Believe me if you did it straight away you would be in a far better place today. NC is used for 2 reasons. 1) To give yourself time and space to heel..2) To respect your ex's wishes that he/she wants to move on.

 

If your ex wants you back, they will move mountains to make this happen. Staying in contact with someone who doesn't want you, NEVER helps you. It makes things harder to recover from. In fact the probability is, staying in contact with someone who is confused or doesn't want you actually drives them further away.

 

Some people love their ex's with all their hearts and its heartbreaking to leave someone go. The chances are the relationship is over and you need to try drill this into yourself when NC. But if you work on yourself, give your ex as much space as he/she wants and you are determined to learn from the mistakes you made, sometimes when you least accept it, life can throw you a second chance. Just try gain acceptance that it is probably over for good and make sure you never make the same mistakes going forward..

Edited June 29, 2011 by Mack05

[radiodarcy]

it's interesting you should post that today because i was thinking about this on my way to work this morning. i'm four months into NC and while it's true that doing nothing about contacting the ex can be extremely painful at times, i far prefer this kind of pain to the pain i went through when the ex either didn't respond to my texts/emails/IMs or - - if he did -- it was never the response i was hoping for. staying in contact with him only gave me false hope that he would give me the relationship that i want. when it was painfully obvious he had no intention of doing so. nevertheless, the longer i stayed in contact with him, the longer i allowed myself to be strung along.

 

NC can be a time for self-reflection. i've been using this time to get me back -- i invested so much of myself into thinking about and (over)analyzing and talking to him that i completely neglected myself. now, i'm focusing on my own interests; making more time for family and friends (before i never wanted to because what if he called and asked me to do something? nevermind he hadn't called to do something in months ). of course, he never told me to put my life on hold like that. he actually encourage me to do the opposite. and deep down i knew i needed to but this guy was like a drug. i really was addicted to him. and even though i still have a ways to go -- NC has helped me recover from that; i'm feeling so much better than i did before. and while i still think about the ex a lot, it's no where near as much as it was before. i think of NC as the antidote to my addiction. but like all medicines, it takes time to kick in and discontinuing said medication just as i start to feel better would be a grave mistake. no matter how good i'm feeling now, if i were to contact the ex today (whether he responded or not) it would take me right back to day one of being dumped. it'll be at least a year if not longer before i can handle any time of contact with him.

 

NC can help you heal, but much of the course of your healing will be determined by how you choose to use that time. yes, you do need time to hurt and grieve the end of the relationship, but try not to dwell on it and focus on other things. it doesn't have to be an all out effort. just gradually over time. a meet up with friends here; a jog in the park there; whatever it is that you like to do that makes you happy.

 

i know it's tempting but worrying about what your ex is doing is not going to change whatever it is she's doing anyway. so why bother? every time an image pops into my head of the ex with another woman i just tell myself "well, there's nothing i can do about it" or "i'm not talking to him anyway so it doesn't matter" and *poof* the image disappears! in short, worry about what you can control - - YOU

[shortee143]

I see quite a few posts on here about NC, and how people find it unbearable, but of course, cutting off contact with someone you love and are so used to talking to is tough!

 

I guess my ex and I are LC?? We see each other in our mutual social settings quite often, and even though being in contact is for sure dragging this out....I already knew being in some form of contact was inevitable. I am trying to use my LC as a means of moving on. (I know, sounds weird, and dont get me wrong, I woulda loved to go NC forever since the day we broke up). But now that I have been in contact, I see how he is, and his true colors, and also now I am seeing him with a new girl. It is hard as hell, but I think it has to help me move on.

 

Not everyone can go NC, or even maybe wants to. Ive had my moments of hoping things would change bc we were around each other, but as time passes, and I am around him, the reality sets in. I def think it is a longer process if you are in contact, but sometimes certain aspects can help. But the one thing I woulda liked about being NC is that it woulda allowed me to NOT know certain things..as in him and other girls, etc.

[radiodarcy]

But the one thing I woulda liked about being NC is that it woulda allowed me to NOT know certain things..as in him and other girls, etc.

 

this right here is the primary reason why i choose to stay in strict NC. seeing as i spent the last two and a half years wondering if he was seeing someone else, the last thing i want is outright confirmation -- which believe me - - he would love to tell me. that in itself is enough to keep me away for a very VERY long time. if he found someone good for him but the last thing i want is details ignorance really can be bliss at times.

[WTRanger]

I honestly feel 100 times worse and depressed now iv adopted No Contact. Even though it really hurt to speak to my ex and have her reject me, I actually felt like I was making better progress and moving on more. Now I'm in NC, I feel a trillion times worse. We have been broken up for 3 months and I feel nearly as bad now as in day 1.

 

So wait, having her reject you was making progress? Being hurt on a constant basis was considered progress?

 

You only felt good because you were getting your fix. You could stay in a state of hopeless delusions. Now that you may actually have to accept the fact that the relationship is over and the only way to get over this person is to not have them in your life, you are actually on day 1 of the break up. For the last 3 months, you haven't been broken up. You've been maybe broken up.

 

If you really want to move on, and yes this will be painful for a bit, NC is the only way to go. If you want to remain in limbo, never really go out and meet new people who are actually available for you, then by all means stay in contact with your ex.

 

If you think you need to have contact with an ex to move on, you are kidding yourself. Those of you that think you can't or don't want to go NC, are just too scared of not having the parasite of an ex out of your life. That's just not respecting yourself enough, so you'll allow yourself to get trampled on by an ex. Staying in contact just prolongs in healing process.

 

Just imagine if you would have went NC when you broke up. Now, you'd be on month 3. Not day 1, and yet, still 3 months broken up.

[shortee143]

this right here is the primary reason why i choose to stay in strict NC. seeing as i spent the last two and a half years wondering if he was seeing someone else, the last thing i want is outright confirmation -- which believe me - - he would love to tell me. that in itself is enough to keep me away for a very VERY long time. if he found someone good for him but the last thing i want is details ignorance really can be bliss at times.

 

Exactly radiodarcy- that whole "what you dont know cant hurt you thing"..kinda rings true here. The last time I got dumped, I didnt see him, talk to him, etc so he coulda slept with a new girl a week post breakup and I know nothing! This time around- Ive seen him bring girls around, now confirmed he's dating one, and between him and other mutual friends..things are said, things I just don't want to know! So yes this DEF is reason enough to want to stay away- but I am trying to trudge thru it bc I dont want to adapt my life so much bc of him that I miss out on all the good times with friends.

 

NC has it's huge pluses for sure..but sometimes it just isnt as easy, or as black and white

[radiodarcy]

i hear you shortee. i'm fortunate in that the ex and i don't have a lot of mutual friends and the ones we do have i haven't really kept in touch with. so in that respect, going NC has been easier for me. also, i'm more of an introvert so i usually tend to be able to find things to do on my own; that don't involve groups of people.

 

nevertheless while going NC has been anything but easy, it's been easier than dealing with the pain of knowing what he is up to

[AlisaMarie]

Think of it this way... you're a drug addict. You use and use and you feel good when you're using. You know this high will not last forever, but you will do anything to keep it (your relationship). Now the time has come to quit. It's not good for you and slowly taking your life. Do you take little hits here and there? NO, you quit, detox. It hurts like F**K and you have the shakes and the feeling of an empty soul. Once it's out of your system, you are a new/better person. You feel amazing. It will take some time, but ultimately you will never go back.

 

I am not saying your relationship was as toxic as heroin, but think about it.

[usabup]

So wait, having her reject you was making progress? Being hurt on a constant basis was considered progress?

 

You only felt good because you were getting your fix. You could stay in a state of hopeless delusions. Now that you may actually have to accept the fact that the relationship is over and the only way to get over this person is to not have them in your life, you are actually on day 1 of the break up. For the last 3 months, you haven't been broken up. You've been maybe broken up.

 

If you really want to move on, and yes this will be painful for a bit, NC is the only way to go. If you want to remain in limbo, never really go out and meet new people who are actually available for you, then by all means stay in contact with your ex.

 

If you think you need to have contact with an ex to move on, you are kidding yourself. Those of you that think you can't or don't want to go NC, are just too scared of not having the parasite of an ex out of your life. That's just not respecting yourself enough, so you'll allow yourself to get trampled on by an ex. Staying in contact just prolongs in healing process.

 

Just imagine if you would have went NC when you broke up. Now, you'd be on month 3. Not day 1, and yet, still 3 months broken up.

 

Yeah I hear everything your saying and you are 100% right. But, I can't help how I feel.

 

Although it hurt when I was trying to get her back, that little bit of false hope was really helping me move on. I felt motivated in my life, I was in pain but it was managable, I was talking to other girls and felt quite confident actually. If I'd met the right women while I was in that frame of mind, I probably could of let go of my ex and move on.

 

But now we arnt talking, I feel shattered again. Depressed, lack of confidence, thinking of her 24/7, feeling agitated and axnious, not attracted or tempted to talk to other girls etc etc.

 

I know it dosnt make sense but that's how I'm feeling. I can't change that with logic.

[LovelyDaze]

So wait, having her reject you was making progress? Being hurt on a constant basis was considered progress?

 

You only felt good because you were getting your fix. You could stay in a state of hopeless delusions. Now that you may actually have to accept the fact that the relationship is over and the only way to get over this person is to not have them in your life, you are actually on day 1 of the break up. For the last 3 months, you haven't been broken up. You've been maybe broken up.

 

If you really want to move on, and yes this will be painful for a bit, NC is the only way to go. If you want to remain in limbo, never really go out and meet new people who are actually available for you, then by all means stay in contact with your ex.

 

If you think you need to have contact with an ex to move on, you are kidding yourself. Those of you that think you can't or don't want to go NC, are just too scared of not having the parasite of an ex out of your life. That's just not respecting yourself enough, so you'll allow yourself to get trampled on by an ex. Staying in contact just prolongs in healing process.

 

Just imagine if you would have went NC when you broke up. Now, you'd be on month 3. Not day 1, and yet, still 3 months broken up.

 

100% agree with WT and Alise Marie. When you are okay with LC or getting thrown some crumbs from your ex, it is like being stranded on a raft in the middle of the Pacific. You are thirsty, malnourished, and in desperate need to cling to life. There is an ocean all around you and you think, "why not?"

The temporary fix of the water quenches your thirst, however, it is filled with salt and other pollutants that will end up killing you even quicker.

 

It is better to not drink the "saltwater" and wait for rescue. Your saving grace is your family, friends, a great therapist, self help books, your self esteem, and just good ol' fashioned common sense and logic. Those people and things have your best interest at heart.

Edited June 29, 2011 by LovelyDaze

[AlisaMarie]

100% agree with WT and Alise Marie. When you are okay with LC or getting thrown some crumbs from your ex, it is like being stranded on a raft in the middle of the Pacific. You are thirsty, malnourished, and in desperate need to cling to life. There is an ocean all around you and you think, "why not?"

The temporary fix of the water quenches your thirst, however, it is filled with salt and other pollutants that will end up killing you even quicker.

 

It is better to not drink the "saltwater" and wait for rescue. Your saving grace is your family, friends, a great therapist, self help books, your self esteem, and just good ol' fashioned common sense and logic. Those people and things have your best interest at heart.

Amazingly put! Don't get me wrong, I crave that hit, or that sip of saltwater more than anything... as we all do I am sure. However, in the end- we will never get well if we "take that chance."

[radiodarcy]

Yeah I hear everything your saying and you are 100% right. But, I can't help how I feel.

 

Although it hurt when I was trying to get her back, that little bit of false hope was really helping me move on. I felt motivated in my life, I was in pain but it was managable, I was talking to other girls and felt quite confident actually. If I'd met the right women while I was in that frame of mind, I probably could of let go of my ex and move on.

 

But now we arnt talking, I feel shattered again. Depressed, lack of confidence, thinking of her 24/7, feeling agitated and axnious, not attracted or tempted to talk to other girls etc etc.

 

I know it dosnt make sense but that's how I'm feeling. I can't change that with logic.

 

i'm not sure i follow your logic. it sounds like you're just twisting things around to suit your emotions. how can you feel as though you as moving on when you're really just being dragged in circles?

 

believe me, i've been there i hung in there for two years. i just couldn't bear the idea of giving up. but i finally had to accept that he wasn't going to give me what i wanted. when i went NC for the second (and hopefully the last time) i felt as though i was missing a limb. i had talked to this guy ever day. we had been friends for six years - - intimate for about two and a half (it was a friends w/ benefits situation); he was my first love, my first everything. it was not an easy thing to walk away from. but i had to - - i just couldn't allow myself to me strung along anymore.

 

but as time went by i've been able to see things more clearly and i have to say going NC was the best thing i could have done for myself. and once i did i realized how unhealthy my attitude and logic really were. it really does take time but you can and will get there.

[usabup]

i'm not sure i follow your logic. it sounds like you're just twisting things around to suit your emotions. how can you feel as though you as moving on when you're really just being dragged in circles?

 

believe me, i've been there i hung in there for two years. i just couldn't bear the idea of giving up. but i finally had to accept that he wasn't going to give me what i wanted. when i went NC for the second (and hopefully the last time) i felt as though i was missing a limb. i had talked to this guy ever day. we had been friends for six years - - intimate for about two and a half (it was a friends w/ benefits situation); he was my first love, my first everything. it was not an easy thing to walk away from. but i had to - - i just couldn't allow myself to me strung along anymore.

 

but as time went by i've been able to see things more clearly and i have to say going NC was the best thing i could have done for myself. and once i did i realized how unhealthy my attitude and logic really were. it really does take time but you can and will get there.

 

But that's the difference, when we were still in contact I wasn't pining over her. I was making moves to try and win her back, but when she rejected me I'd just brush it off. I wasn't thinking about her all the time and I didn't feel down. Its only since we have stopped talking nearly 3 weeks ago I have started to feel awful.

[Mack05]

But that's the difference, when we were still in contact I wasn't pining over her. I was making moves to try and win her back, but when she rejected me I'd just brush it off. I wasn't thinking about her all the time and I didn't feel down. Its only since we have stopped talking nearly 3 weeks ago I have started to feel awful.

 

So you would rather waste your time getting rejected over and over again (with little chance of success) damaging yourself more and more then going NC and suffering alot less....Some people's logic I will never undertstand

 

What about respect for your ex, who I am sure at some stage asked you for space? Dude winning a girl back through being presistent is that how you want to win her back? Do you think that sounds like the basis of a happy nourishing relationship going forward. What if you did win her and back and she dumped you again later. Maybe even more persistence?

 

Most people would tell you NC immediately after break up is thee best solution. Your logic makes no sense. Like a drug addict taking heroin once a week thinking it's good for them...

[Chi townD]

But that's the difference, when we were still in contact I wasn't pining over her. I was making moves to try and win her back, but when she rejected me I'd just brush it off. I wasn't thinking about her all the time and I didn't feel down. Its only since we have stopped talking nearly 3 weeks ago I have started to feel awful.

 

 

Do you know what feels worse? Being friends with an Ex and you think that you are making progress and enjoying the friendly time together. Then one friday asking her what's her plans over the weekend and being told "Nothing much, just hangin out." Only to find out that she stayed the entire weekend at some dudes apartment. Yeah, there are worse things than NC.

[GivenUp0083]

It's been over 2 months since I got dumped for a fairytale love story that doesn't exists but "might" happen for her someday.

 

I established NC from day one, she broke it twice just to make small talk which I informed her I didn't want to be friends. She got it in her head that I "just wasn't ready to be friends yet". Boy is she wrong.

 

Instead of using the free time I now had due to her dropping me like a rock, I used that time to put my body through a rigorous workout every single day. Pair that will better eating habits and I've lost 30 lbs and I'm starting to look absolutely RIPPED. I love it. I feel great. Her best friend was on a camping trip with me and my friends last weekend and she saw me with my shirt off and she couldn't believe how much I changed in 2 months. No doubt she told my ex. Doesn't matter, she couldn't pay me to take her back.

 

Not to say the first month wasn't super hard, but you should be showing some signs of progress by now. You need to occupy yourself, improve yourself, strive to achieve something. You need to work toward something, choose something about yourself you want to change and start doing it.

 

Whenever I had the temptation to call my ex, I would call a good friend instead and have them talk me out of it. It worked every time...I'd call a friend almost in tears wanting to call my ex and I ended the conversation realizing how much I couldn't stand her anymore and I felt fine. OR I posted here on LS and had others talk me out of it. No matter how much I convinced myself of to do it I could never end up pulling the trigger.

 

If you think it will help you, fine, call your ex, talk to them. But if you want to move on with your life and improve yourself, don't talk to her.

 

One of my best friends who is a girl told me that not hearing from my ex and having calls ignored would mess with her head a lot more than if I was calling her and btching her out.

[Mack05]

It's been over 2 months since I got dumped for a fairytale love story that doesn't exists but "might" happen for her someday.

 

I established NC from day one, she broke it twice just to make small talk which I informed her I didn't want to be friends. She got it in her head that I "just wasn't ready to be friends yet". Boy is she wrong.

 

Instead of using the free time I now had due to her dropping me like a rock, I used that time to put my body through a rigorous workout every single day. Pair that will better eating habits and I've lost 30 lbs and I'm starting to look absolutely RIPPED. I love it. I feel great. Her best friend was on a camping trip with me and my friends last weekend and she saw me with my shirt off and she couldn't believe how much I changed in 2 months. No doubt she told my ex. Doesn't matter, she couldn't pay me to take her back.

 

Not to say the first month wasn't super hard, but you should be showing some signs of progress by now. You need to occupy yourself, improve yourself, strive to achieve something. You need to work toward something, choose something about yourself you want to change and start doing it.

 

Whenever I had the temptation to call my ex, I would call a good friend instead and have them talk me out of it. It worked every time...I'd call a friend almost in tears wanting to call my ex and I ended the conversation realizing how much I couldn't stand her anymore and I felt fine. OR I posted here on LS and had others talk me out of it. No matter how much I convinced myself of to do it I could never end up pulling the trigger.

 

If you think it will help you, fine, call your ex, talk to them. But if you want to move on with your life and improve yourself, don't talk to her.

 

One of my best friends who is a girl told me that not hearing from my ex and having calls ignored would mess with her head a lot more than if I was calling her and btching her out.

 

Respect Bro! I ran 5k last night in 18 minutes (used to be a decent athlete in my teens, representing my country). Two months ago I was out of breath walking. Nothing beats working out to solve a broken heart. NOTHING...It's hard after the first 2 weeks to even get out of bed, but when you start seeing results you are waking up before the alarm!

Edited June 29, 2011 by Mack05

[usabup]

Jeez guys, you lot are slaughtering me!

 

I never said I was going to break NC. I never said the way I was feeling was logical. I wasn't trying to defend chasing my ex. I just simply stated that I feel worse since I have been in NC. That's all! I can't help how I feel.

 

I'm not going to contact my ex. I'm not saying the way I feel is right. I'm not saying anyone should break NC. I'm just venting on a SUPPORT FORUM that I feel like crap.

 

Man I wish I'd never opened my mouth.

[Chi townD]

Wait...wait....What?!?! Some people are telling you their experiences with NC versus non-NC. Some very personal experience that are painful memories to some folks to dredge back up to share with you. To help you out. Hell, two guys were even explaining the benefits of finding a gym and how they were able to change their bodies as well as their attitudes on their own situation. Too help you, because this is a SUPPORT FORUM. So, show me EXACTLY were someone posted a personal attack towards you. Because I didn't see it.

[TheVSilent]

NC sucks so bad, but every non response I got from her before I did NC hurt 10 times worse.

[Kuite09]

I think NC is mainly for those whose relationship is irretrievable. It also helps to give each other space to take a look at the relationship from afar. When a relationship breaks down, the experts say you should give each other at least 2 months of clear space. This idea horrifies a lot of people because they feel they are losing control of the situation. "What happens if they don't want me back", "What happens if they meet someone else". The answer is simple. If they don't come back it just wasn't meant to be. I mean do people want to stay in contact with their ex's to pester them into submission, so that they will give things another go??. That right there is a recipe for disaster in so many ways...If I have learnt one thing pestering, pleading, manipulating does not work. I am guilty of all three and still embrassed about the things I did. The ex (in the main) deserves freedom and free will to make his/her choice without being influenced by the dumpee.

 

If you stay in contact and then go NC it is of course way harder. That is why most people go NC immediately. U waited a few months. Believe me if you did it straight away you would be in a far better place today. NC is used for 2 reasons. 1) To give yourself time and space to heel..2) To respect your ex's wishes that he/she wants to move on.

 

If your ex wants you back, they will move mountains to make this happen. Staying in contact with someone who doesn't want you, NEVER helps you. It makes things harder to recover from. In fact the probability is, staying in contact with someone who is confused or doesn't want you actually drives them further away.

 

Some people love their ex's with all their hearts and its heartbreaking to leave someone go. The chances are the relationship is over and you need to try drill this into yourself when NC. But if you work on yourself, give your ex as much space as he/she wants and you are determined to learn from the mistakes you made, sometimes when you least accept it, life can throw you a second chance. Just try gain acceptance that it is probably over for good and make sure you never make the same mistakes going forward..

 

Great post Mack.

You are so right if your ex wants you back they would def move mountains to be with you.

 

Ive been 4 weeks no contact till this past weekend but i did get a reply and it was okay not great but okay but then again I don't want to live on false hope and I don't want the text message to get me all bubbly and pretend everything is going to be fine cuz till now he hasnt even called.

 

So I think NC for now is the best thing to do, sh*t he knows exactly how I feel about him so thats all on him.

 

Thanks for that great NC thread.