Els Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 If any of you recall the "Tiger mom" article that went viral around the web, you might recall Amy saying, "If we think our daughter is fat, we can just tell her, 'Hey fattie, lose some weight!'". This is true - what she completely neglected to mention was: 1. What Asian women think is fat is really not. 2. They only ever say it to daughters, not sons. And that really, really, gets my goat. Reunited with some relatives recently after a year or so. I'd put on about 10lbs and weigh 120lbs nowadays. When any of them see me, the first words out of their mouths is always a dig about my weight. It's annoying as hell, and makes one feel unattractive as hell. I've seen my female relatives with a few extra pounds get it, too. Even worse, male relatives with worse BMIs don't get that sort of crap. It's apparently okay to be fat as a man, to Asians. The icing on the cake is that they're mostly all older relatives and respect for elders is big in the Asian community and all that. So really, I can't tell them to GTFO. Not if I want to keep my vacation a pleasant one, at least. So I just grin and bear it. But each time, I die a little inside. I can't put a healthy serving of food on my plate without my mom trying to persuade me not to. Why don't they see that this is a surefire way to lead someone down the deadly spiral of anorexia?! I'm beginning to see the appeal in starving myself like some girls do, but I have to keep reminding myself that that is the worst thing that I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Sorry about your predicament. It's a bit like trolls on LS - you have to put them on ignore. And don't you dare consider the anorexia option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Yeah, I try. Unlike trolls that you can put on ignore though, you can't literally ignore your relative IRL. Have to laugh it off and grin and still talk to them and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Yeah, I try. Unlike trolls that you can put on ignore though, you can't literally ignore your relative IRL. Have to laugh it off and grin and still talk to them and stuff. Oh, I know. I come from a majorly dysfunctional family and it's really hard work. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I know this is slightly OT, but how groups police body weight is fascinating for me. Where I'm from, in my grand-parent's generation (a group who were generally all dirt poor), gaining weight is considered a good thing. My grandmother still rejoices when I put on weight, and tries to feed me pie if I lose some. When I lived in France, I was stunned to see that the body policing was directed at both genders. Why Pierre! You put on some weight haven't you? Perhaps you should cut off the hamburgers. What bugged the hell out of me though was that it was fairly common among my group of friends for the men to comment on their stick-thin girlfriend's food choices: "Are you really going to have the mousse? You had a pain au chocolat this morning, remember?" These men must have thought I was humongous. All that to say, you do understand that your relatives' comments are culturally motivated. You do know that you're far from being overweight. You even have the scientific knowledge to know you're healthy. You taking your relatives' comments personally is exactly the same as if I took it personally every time my grandma told me I look gaunt. And I'm not about to put on weight just to please her, so I don't see how you would consider disordered eating to please yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Yeah, K, I notice that too. Funny thing with Asians is that you're expected to eat LOTS at big family gatherings (especially when your aunts and grandmothers are all cooking!), and, I dunno, starve the rest of the time to maintain a stick figure, I guess? Thanks for your comments. They really do make sense. I guess the comments mainly hurt because I do know I'm about 5-10 lbs over my ideal weight - so if there is a little truth in the words, they can be more easily exaggerated to become hurtful? Meh, I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 my answer would be "why do you claim to love me but say such hurtful things?" then wait in silence while they are forced to process the way their words were hurtful... and see what response they may come up with. a loving response would own their words - and never say it again. most people though, would get defensive - knowing they hurt you - and justify their bad behavior... but the power is in speaking your truth - by having a voice. so, put it out there! even a simple = THAT is hurtful to me! should suffice... Link to post Share on other sites
boosh89 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I definitely sympathize since I come from a Chinese family that hangs out with more, equally close-minded Chinese families. My boyfriend, who has an extremely healthy appetite, began making sure I ate three filling meals a day about 9 months ago. Before we began dating I ate only one meal a day with a few snacks here and there. So I started gaining a bit of weight pretty quickly. I went from weighing 90 pounds to 105. My mom noticed and up until two months ago constantly called me fat every time I sat down to dinner. She portioned out my food for me and said I was getting obese, even in front of family friends. At first I was able to shake it off, but it started getting to me to the point where I would cry so hard after meals with my parents that I'd throw up all my food anyway. Our family friends began to say the same thing during gatherings, making small comments such as, "Oh, you're not afraid to gain a lot of weight huh? That's nice" and "You must be making good money to be able to feed yourself so well to gain so much weight." Things stopped when I broke down and burst into tears when I talked to my dad about how I felt. My little brother, who has no problem yelling at my parents, also told my mom to back off. Now, my mom says nothing about my weight and even kind of defends me at dinners with those family friends. There's nothing to be done about those people, though. I just ignore their snide comments and simply reply, "as long as I'm healthy and happy" and walk away. There's no need to explain further. I suggest reminding yourself that you are your own person. If you're satisfied with yourself and know that you take good care of yourself, what other people see and think based on those few minutes you spend eating a meal with them don't matter. In the end, you're the only one who has to live with yourself. That's what I always keep in mind, and it has helped me tremendously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 2sunny - that would make the gathering REALLY unpleasant. Hardly my aim when I'm visiting them for a couple weeks. Boosh - I feel you! It's really tough though. Whenever one of them pulls that **** (always backed up VERY enthusiastically by my mom... When I came back from being out with friends the first thing out of her mouth when I came home was 'What did they say about your weight??') I feel down for a few hours after, but usually manage to pull myself back up by reminding myself that I am in the healthy range, those people's opinions are colored by the media and the throngs of Asian women who starve themselves and pop pills to maintain that image. But then mom (or the relatives) do it AGAIN, and I find myself at rock bottom again. Talking to the bf about it helps reassure me, but it happens so often that I really don't want to go to him every single time it does - it's just horribly unattractive to have a gf asking you everyday, "I'm not really fat, yeah?? You still find me attractive???". So I try not to do that too much. I think I am going to have it all out with mom tomorrow, but damn I hate confrontations with the parents, they never end well, and perhaps its pointless to do it when all I need to do is suck it up for another week. But I'm at my wits' end here. Ah, well, at least I definitely WON'T miss my relatives when I leave... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Since when did being 120lbs become something people comment on ? If that happened to me I would say something like.. my weight is perfect for my body style.. and I love it and am happy with it like it is, thanks for noticing how good I look Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 Since when did being 120lbs become something people comment on ? It pretty much is in Asian circles. It's really quite sad. Most of us are pretty short so we probably look our best at 110 lbs and below, but really, it isn't and shouldn't be such a HUGE deal to be 10 lbs above that. Link to post Share on other sites
namedposter13 Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I know this post is almost two weeks old, but I just wanted to respond (if not for the benefit of the original poster, then for those who read it later because they have a similar problem). You should not sacrifice your happiness for anyone. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, particularly when it comes to be miserable just to avoid making waves. People put up with all sorts of hurtful, spiteful, jealous, or otherwise malicious behavior simply because they don't want to cause conflict. It kills me to see people be unhappy just because they want to avoid hurting someone else's feelings or they think they should be respectful. My mother-in-law used to treat my husband like dirt. She was horrible to him. He never stood up for himself because he wanted to avoid arguments. But he finally just couldn't take it anymore and they had a huge blowout and now hardly ever talk. Trust me, it's better to just be honest when people do bad things to you or else you risk it building up to apocolypitic proportions. Link to post Share on other sites
cheergirl Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I don't know why so many things I post on end up being about weight... No indication from title, anyway here goes... OP is there any way you can turn it into a positive? Like: nice to have a family who caresnice to have a familymaybe they don't want to see you balloon like so many others If you're not that big, don't worry about it...Smile and play along, don't take it to heart.... whatever... some people don't have families at all, some of those families couldn't care less whether their girls got big or small... they just don't care... Ok guys and girls get treated differently... Never gonna change, never... Don't get upset by it, we are different.... Link to post Share on other sites
cheergirl Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I know this is slightly OT, but how groups police body weight is fascinating for me. When I lived in France, I was stunned to see that the body policing was directed at both genders. Why Pierre! You put on some weight haven't you? Perhaps you should cut off the hamburgers. What bugged the hell out of me though was that it was fairly common among my group of friends for the men to comment on their stick-thin girlfriend's food choices: "Are you really going to have the mousse? You had a pain au chocolat this morning, remember?" These men must have thought I was humongous. Yeah, they did... lol... France, land of the uber petite babe... size zero is no big deal... I felt bulky in Paris, anywhere else I'd be considered petite.. I mean, it's all about values... Is it important to stay a normal healthy weight or not? I'll take all the help I can get personally... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 My exH's family was the same way with the weight issue. His mother and aunt's were brutal to the girls in the family. My sister-in-laws both developed serious eating disorders, they starved themselves because their mother was so critical. My exMIL used to tell me I was fat all the time. It gave me such a complex that I too starved myself to the point where my bones were sticking out and you could see my rib cage through my skin. I went down to 105lbs at 5"7", and she still didn't think it was enough. My ex's family was Hungarian-I don't know if that's a cultural thing for them or they were just crazy. My ex MIL made fun of my wedding pictures, saying her daughters standing beside my gf's were like peanuts next to pumpkins. My bridesmaids weren't large girls- just average. You know what's funny? My ex MIL was pretty chubby herself... The only way I was able to distance myself from this abuse was to avoid spending time with them. In the last 2 years of our marriage I refused to visit. I know you can't do that because it's YOUR mother- but something needs to be said. Glad your brother sticks up for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Firstly and odd as it may sound, its okay to acknowledge when a change in weight has occurred. Be it gaining or losing. I personally *cringe* when I'm in a room with a female who weighs 100lbs sopping wet and insist she is sooo chubby. I no more care for someone drawing attention to themselves on this topic then I do when someone "avoids" it when its addressed to them. Maybe I am open to folks comments and can be okay when they say I have gained weight..I dont make an "issue" of it but I often agree ( since its true!) .I am not talking about persons who "label" the person, instead of identifying the condition.... Its a persons body, so why ignore it, Its okay to compliment a person when losing weight ( if that was their goal) yet we think its rude to share a perspective that gaining may have transpired? Seems odd to me..... Now if they harp on either issue , change the subject after acknowledging it. Most times its not meant on an evil intent level, unless its consistent badgering. Thats when you use your mental weight and give them a bit of your attitude Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Firstly and odd as it may sound, its okay to acknowledge when a change in weight has occurred. Be it gaining or losing. I personally *cringe* when I'm in a room with a female who weighs 100lbs sopping wet and insist she is sooo chubby. I no more care for someone drawing attention to themselves on this topic then I do when someone "avoids" it when its addressed to them. Maybe I am open to folks comments and can be okay when they say I have gained weight..I dont make an "issue" of it but I often agree ( since its true!) .I am not talking about persons who "label" the person, instead of identifying the condition.... Its a persons body, so why ignore it, Its okay to compliment a person when losing weight ( if that was their goal) yet we think its rude to share a perspective that gaining may have transpired? Seems odd to me..... Now if they harp on either issue , change the subject after acknowledging it. Most times its not meant on an evil intent level, unless its consistent badgering. Thats when you use your mental weight and give them a bit of your attitude I guess it depends on how your body image came to fruition. For me, I got my period at 9- grew big boobs, and got attention from older men when I wasn't emotionally mature enough to deal with what was happening to me, and the attention it brought. Not to mention the teasing from other kids. I was a foot taller- with boobs and curves when I was 9. I learned to hate my body as a result of that. The things those kids said to me still resonate. I've never been able to shake that body image issue. I had a friend of my parents corner me in a bathroom when I was 12 and sexually molest me. My body became a source of anxiety and shame at an early age. Then I met a MIL that confirmed my worst fears!!! I grew up feeling shame about my body, then I meet this woman that confirms all my worst nightmares! I think if you grow up in a healthy environment with supportive parents that nourish a healthy self esteem in a daughter- you won't carry these kinds of body image issues into your adult years. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 D'lish, Sorry about the incidence you spoke of, I'm sure its a matter that was not easily dealt with back then and took time to come to terms with...(if that is possible in the long run) I agree that name calling and the likes is not necessary. When addressing the weight issue place it in perspective though....without name calling the person, which sounds to me what the OP is struggling with...family members calling her names instead of addressing the difference in physique or gaining of a few pounds... Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Boosh - I feel you! It's really tough though. Whenever one of them pulls that **** (always backed up VERY enthusiastically by my mom... When I came back from being out with friends the first thing out of her mouth when I came home was 'What did they say about your weight??') I feel down for a few hours after, but usually manage to pull myself back up by reminding myself that I am in the healthy range, those people's opinions are colored by the media and the throngs of Asian women who starve themselves and pop pills to maintain that image. But then mom (or the relatives) do it AGAIN, and I find myself at rock bottom again. Oh jeez. I can relate. When I was a teenager, my mother would constantly criticize my appearance and especially my weight, even though at my heaviest I was maybe 10 pounds overweight, maximum. I'd come home from 3 hours' worth of dance classes and reheat some leftovers from the family dinner I had missed, and my mom would immediately get on my case and say I shouldn't be eating because I'm getting fat and need to lose weight. It was just non-stop. I couldn't eat a meal in peace without her commenting on one thing or another. And the worst part was that my dad chimed in one time when I was 13 or so to say that being a fatty gives you cellulite, which is extremely unattractive. Thanks, dad. And of course, it was never anything positive, constructive, or helpful. There was never any advice (because my mother has no idea how to control weight outside of restrictive dieting) - just criticism. She even offered to pay for liposuction. I distinctly remember this one time I just completely lost my patience and temper. I said, "Well, would you rather I be anorexic?" And she said, "Yeah, because at least you'd be skinny." It didn't stop until I left home and suffered from a spell of depression that robbed me of my appetite and resulted in me dropping ~10-20 lbs. in an unhealthy manner. I gained some of it back once I got healthy, and now she doesn't seem to flap her gums about weight all that much anymore. While I was subject to all the hypercriticism about my body, there was nothing I could do or say to stop it. If I talked back, she'd keep going. If I tried to reason with her, she'd keep going. If I got angry, she'd keep going. If I got upset and showed I was hurt, she'd keep going. If I stayed quiet, she'd keep going. If I completely ignored her, she'd keep going. You really shouldn't have to sit there and listen to that kind of garbage. I'm terribly sorry you're stuck in this situation. There's really not much you can do except tell her off for your own peace of mind. I hope they can start leaving you alone. It's hard enough to deal with any weight issues - even minor ones, like losing 5 pounds - without all the added BS from family members who think that insulting you is going to motivate you to be perfect. It's sick. *hugs*, Elswyth. I hope you can find some peace and resolution. Please don't let it get you down. Keep reminding yourself that their expectations are ridiculous and that they're being horribly unfair and mean. It'll help keep your feet on the ground until you can finally leave. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 D'lish, Sorry about the incidence you spoke of, I'm sure its a matter that was not easily dealt with back then and took time to come to terms with...(if that is possible in the long run) I agree that name calling and the likes is not necessary. When addressing the weight issue place it in perspective though....without name calling the person, which sounds to me what the OP is struggling with...family members calling her names instead of addressing the difference in physique or gaining of a few pounds... I agree, and thanks:) I think the OP has grown up being told every day she has to stay skinny. My parents were never like that- they were supportive. It must be hard to be told all he time that you're fat when you're not. I can look in the mirror, standing in front of it in my bra and underpants- and even though I am 116 lbs and 5'7"- I think about what my MIL used to tell me. It IS effed up- no doubt. I don't think that body image issue will ever leave me. The thing is, I work with, and meet women of different sizes, shapes, heights, etc, on a daily basis- and judge them as beautiful all the time. I don't have a standard for them that matches my own because I am not capable of seeing myself as anyone other than that 9 year old girl- or even that girl at 30 that my MIL judged me as fat. It must be hard for OP- because she's most likely UNDERWEIGHT, in comparison to most of us Caucasions.... But she's being called overweight by her family. Your family holds value when it comes to judgement- can't be easy to be hammered by that constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) Thanks for all the support, guys. I'm back in college already, and no one here complains about my weight, not even bf, so I'm feeling much better now. The dieting is going slowly but healthily. D-Lish: My BMI is a little on the upper side of the normal range, but yeah, I think my family, or perhaps Asians in general, just overreact to that. It is really sad that truly underweight girls are lauded while girls who are in the normal range, albeit with a few pounds to lose, are hammered on. I know plenty of girls who developed eating disorders when they weren't even fat to begin with. Edited July 16, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Thanks for all the support, guys. I'm back in college already, and no one here complains about my weight, not even bf, so I'm feeling much better now. The dieting is going slowly but healthily. Glad you're back in NZ where you're a skinny girl and nobody could be convinced any differently. Truly sounds horrible. I have a few friends that are Filipino and Chinese and I know their mothers are the exact same way, gorgeous girls of course. When you're around that, try to convince yourself that they're in the wrong and you're healthy and working at being what you want to be. Easier said than done of course. Starving yourself is terrible on your body, you're doing it the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
ilikesunita Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I don't know why so many things I post on end up being about weight... No indication from title, anyway here goes... OP is there any way you can turn it into a positive? Like: nice to have a family who caresnice to have a familymaybe they don't want to see you balloon like so many others If you're not that big, don't worry about it...Smile and play along, don't take it to heart.... whatever... some people don't have families at all, some of those families couldn't care less whether their girls got big or small... they just don't care... Ok guys and girls get treated differently... Never gonna change, never... Don't get upset by it, we are different.... So families have a right to be disrespectful? Link to post Share on other sites
ilikesunita Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 OP, accept your culture as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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