Am I unreasonable to want to be put first?

[undecided100661]

My SO recently got a promotion, I have insecurity issues which meant that I found this quite worrying but we talked it through and I was coming to terms with what it involved. Then he said he MIGHT have to go away on a conference - actually he had already agreed to go. When I found out I was really worried and upset but again we talked and agreed that he would call me when he got back to his hotel room each night.. which he did - I was missing him like crazy and got upset on the phone but we were ok and I asked him to call again this morning. He text me saying he was having breakfast and then would call me. Over an hour later he still hadn't called and I had to go to work. Eventually he did call and again I was upset with him - I think he could have made an effort to call before I went to work but he thinks chatting to his collegues is more important and that I am completely unreasonable. Now he is ignoring me and isn't back until tomorrow, I'm going quietly mad worrying what he might do while he is angry with me and alone in a hotel room Am I wrong to want him to think of me first? I know I over react but I think if he showed more that he cares then maybe I'd feel more secure! What does anyone else think? I can't share this with anyone else please help.

[PegNosePete]

Are you trying to smother him? Jeez... a call when he gets there, and every night and morning?

 

Do you have reason to distrust him so much? Has he cheated in the past or does he have a bad record for that kind of thing? If not then just lay off of him! You're going to drive him further and further away by demanding so much time and attention. What he's doing alone in his hotel room, is probably just laying there enjoying some peace and quiet!!!

[undecided100661]

Are you trying to smother him? Jeez... a call when he gets there, and every night and morning?

 

Do you have reason to distrust him so much? Has he cheated in the past or does he have a bad record for that kind of thing? If not then just lay off of him! You're going to drive him further and further away by demanding so much time and attention. What he's doing alone in his hotel room, is probably just laying there enjoying some peace and quiet!!!

I don't want to smother him. I find it really difficult because although I don't think he has cheated little things show up that make me wonder and I know he lies about things, like when he agreed to go on this trip and pretended he hadn't. I guess I should just leave him alone.

[Andy_K]

He pretended he hadn't not because he's untrustworthy, but because he was (rightfully) afraid of how you would react. It's more that he can't trust you to handle things well.

 

Focus on positives, like how glad you will be to see him when he gets back, not negatives like whether you haven't heard from him for two hours or seen him for a day.

[stace79]

I have insecurity and anxiety in relationships but even this is a bit much for me. Yes, you should be the first priority in general terms, but he has to do his job and earn a living.

 

If you don't trust him not to cheat on you when he leaves town, then you really shouldn't be with him at all. And also, if he did what he said he was going to by calling you each night in the hotel, you had no reason to continue getting upset.

 

Lastly, if every single time he calls you, you are getting angry or crying or whatever, he's not going to want to call you anymore, and you will drive him away.

 

You can't control him. Just because you make him call you all the time doesn't mean he's not still going to cheat if he decides to do it.

[vsmini]

I know I over react but I think if he showed more that he cares then maybe I'd feel more secure!

 

You are insecure. Nobody else should have to suffer and be responsible for curing YOUR insecurity. Grow up and learn that. If you're over the age of 25 and haven't learned that.....well.....good luck with all your future relationships. Read what I bolded over and over again until you understand.

 

HE IS WORKING. He just got a promotion which means he has to work his tail off even more. So what if he doesn't call you all the time.

 

You should be a priority in his life but just because he doesn't call you doesn't mean you are not. And he's allowed to chat with his co-workers. You are being unreasonable and it sounds like he's sick of your BS. So figure yourself out. This is so unfair to him. I would never put my boyfriend in this kind of position.

[PegNosePete]

I was in his position once, my gf was clingy and insisted on me calling her all the time.

 

Yes I said EX - hint!

[undecided100661]

I appreciate I have only given some of the history here but just wanted to say thanks so much for your positive response. I already know that I over react to things, I wish I didn't - it doesn't make me happy either. Other than this I can assure you that I make him very happy, I do support him and help him out. He could only go on the course because I agreed to take on his commitments while he is away. I welcome any positive comments that help me move forward but I don't think this is where you are coming from. I'm sorry if I've misjudged your response.

[undecided100661]

The above reply was in response to vsmini

[vsmini]

I appreciate I have only given some of the history here but just wanted to say thanks so much for your positive response. I already know that I over react to things, I wish I didn't - it doesn't make me happy either. Other than this I can assure you that I make him very happy, I do support him and help him out. He could only go on the course because I agreed to take on his commitments while he is away. I welcome any positive comments that help me move forward but I don't think this is where you are coming from. I'm sorry if I've misjudged your response.

 

I understand that I didn't have the nicest response on this thread but I know what I'm talking about. I wish someone would have given me a dose of reality when I was being the unreasonable girl and making my ex-boyfriend's life miserable. I was young and immature and it took him dumping me to make me realize what I was doing.

Not to be snarky but from what you've told me about this, you sound worse than I was.

 

Do you understand that he is not responsible for turning you into a secure woman? Because that's very important and the first step into getting over your insecurity. I still stand by everything I said. He is working, has a promotion - he needs to do his job while he is there and you need to back off. plain and simple.

[oldguy]

The guy is calling at night & in the morning & trying to do a job. Stop stalking him, , JK. Is there a reason you don't trust him?

[undecided100661]

I understand that I didn't have the nicest response on this thread but I know what I'm talking about. I wish someone would have given me a dose of reality when I was being the unreasonable girl and making my ex-boyfriend's life miserable. I was young and immature and it took him dumping me to make me realize what I was doing.

Not to be snarky but from what you've told me about this, you sound worse than I was.

 

Do you understand that he is not responsible for turning you into a secure woman? Because that's very important and the first step into getting over your insecurity. I still stand by everything I said. He is working, has a promotion - he needs to do his job while he is there and you need to back off. plain and simple.

I do understand that he is not responsible for making me happy, secure, or any other thing really. I am over 25, generally level headed and reasonable. I have a responsible job and take care of people because I love it. I'm not a daft sixteen yr old but I do feel like one and wish very much that I didn't. I have been getting help but I guess it hasn't helped enough! I just wonder where we go next? I'm starting to feel that it might be best if we weren't together, I have been jealous before but never like this and I don't really know why I feel like this now

[vsmini]

I do understand that he is not responsible for making me happy, secure, or any other thing really. I am over 25, generally level headed and reasonable. I have a responsible job and take care of people because I love it. I'm not a daft sixteen yr old but I do feel like one and wish very much that I didn't. I have been getting help but I guess it hasn't helped enough! I just wonder where we go next? I'm starting to feel that it might be best if we weren't together, I have been jealous before but never like this and I don't really know why I feel like this now

 

I think you're coming from an honest place and I think that's admirable. Perhaps the best thing you can do is either let him call you when he's available next or shoot him an email explaining how you are aware that your insecurity is starting to corrode this relationship.

 

Maybe the best thing is for you is to take a break - reevaluate yourself and what you could really be missing out on if he seems like a good guy. self-sabotaging a relationship is a very hard regret to live down.

 

I'm sure he would appreciate it if you came face to face with him, recognized it's a problem and did your best to fix it.

[reservoirdog1]

My SO recently got a promotion, I have insecurity issues which meant that I found this quite worrying but we talked it through and I was coming to terms with what it involved. Then he said he MIGHT have to go away on a conference - actually he had already agreed to go. When I found out I was really worried and upset but again we talked and agreed that he would call me when he got back to his hotel room each night.. which he did - I was missing him like crazy and got upset on the phone but we were ok and I asked him to call again this morning. He text me saying he was having breakfast and then would call me. Over an hour later he still hadn't called and I had to go to work. Eventually he did call and again I was upset with him - I think he could have made an effort to call before I went to work but he thinks chatting to his collegues is more important and that I am completely unreasonable. Now he is ignoring me and isn't back until tomorrow, I'm going quietly mad worrying what he might do while he is angry with me and alone in a hotel room Am I wrong to want him to think of me first? I know I over react but I think if he showed more that he cares then maybe I'd feel more secure! What does anyone else think? I can't share this with anyone else please help.

You say you want him to put you first. It sounds like he already does that, and what you want is for him to put you "only". Calling you every night while on a business trip is pretty good. He does text you when he's not talking to you. And the breakfast thing? For god's sake, he's on a BUSINESS TRIP. That entails interacting with colleagues. He probably doesn't have a lot of down time on this trip, other than evenings. Give him a break. When he gets home, tell him you're sorry you flipped out on him in the last call, and let it go.

 

You DO need to share this with somebody. A counsellor. Because if you don't get your insecurity issues under control, you're going to lose him. Word to the wise.

[undecided100661]

Thanks for all your responses, even the harsh ones. I have taken a lot from this and am trying hard to be positive. So far so good. He called but had terrible signal so is calling later. I'm happy with that.

[stace79]

You should check out the book Attached. http://www.attachedthebook.com/

 

I purchased it off Amazon for myself. it's been amazingly helpful in understanding my own feelings and behavior related to fear of abandonment and general insecurity. It helps you understand your needs better and tries to teach you how to communicate your needs better to your partner.

 

It's really hard. I understand - I'm extremely insecure, too, but ONLY in a relationship. Minus a relationship, I'm very confident, self-assured and great under pressure at work. It's only in romantic relationships that I suffer from such anxiety.

 

Good luck.

[Woman In Blue]

A couple of people have asked you for more history with respect to the reason WHY you have such insecurity where he's concerned. You've somewhat alluded to the fact that he may have a past of lying or acting inappropriately, but you haven't furnished any information to anyone whose asked.

 

Since you're only giving sketchy details and not filling in the rest of the puzzle, I'm going to have to assume that you're insecure for whatever reasons are your own. To that end, my biggest piece of advice is to NEVER screw with a man's livelihood and that's exactly what you're doing. No one should have to be afraid to admit that part of their new job is to attend a conference in a far away location. He shouldn't have to be afraid to TELL you that, nor should he have to feel like he's doing something wrong.

 

As someone else mentioned, don't make it his responsibility to try to cure your emotional issues. Take them to a therapist.

[undecided100661]

A couple of people have asked you for more history with respect to the reason WHY you have such insecurity where he's concerned. You've somewhat alluded to the fact that he may have a past of lying or acting inappropriately, but you haven't furnished any information to anyone whose asked.

 

Since you're only giving sketchy details and not filling in the rest of the puzzle, I'm going to have to assume that you're insecure for whatever reasons are your own. To that end, my biggest piece of advice is to NEVER screw with a man's livelihood and that's exactly what you're doing. No one should have to be afraid to admit that part of their new job is to attend a conference in a far away location. He shouldn't have to be afraid to TELL you that, nor should he have to feel like he's doing something wrong.

 

As someone else mentioned, don't make it his responsibility to try to cure your emotional issues. Take them to a therapist.

I haven't mentioned the details as there are lots of little things. He has said he is going to the allotment but when I've called him he doesn't answer or his car isn't there when I have driven past (because I happen to be going past not cos I'm checking up btw) Twice on his email (which he was showing me at the time!) it has come up with chat requests from names like perfect pussy and teasy flirt etc. He denies any knowledge of this, probably just spam & maybe thats true. He was also getting emails, jokes n stuff, from some woman. Again he mentioned it but failed to mention the part where she had said "I'm glad you enjoyed them, as long as you like them I'll keep sending them XX' He denies knowing her. When I emailed her, suddenly he showed me an email from her saying 'oh sorry, i must have got you muddled with my friend of the same name who also lives in the same town' He has an unusual surname.. He has said he won't be drinking and will be home not to late & then come in at 5am completely smashed and he was aggressive. He wasn't cheating then, I know where he was, but he went out planning to drink & failed to mention meeting his friend first. I know you say thats because he is scared to tell me cos I'll over react but to be fair to me, I haven't always been so bad. Maybe a bit miffed to start with, but each time he is evasive or lies it makes me more paranoid. He admits to these faults and says he doesn't know why he does it. If I am upset with him about anything at all, somehow he'll always make it my fault. I am trying so hard to change but shouldn't he want to help me just a little? He claims to love me, I believe he does. He has done lots of things that make me thing he really does want to be with me so why can't he just tell the truth? Oh and the work thing? I said promotion but it isn't actually a job as such. He is a local councillor and he got made group leader, he didn't have to go, he wanted to go. He always does what he wants, whether it bothers me or not. I try to consider him before I make decisions - he makes decisions and then tells me only when he can't avoid it. This upsets me. I've been wondering if I am completely mad and some of your replies make me feel like I might be, but actually, there are two people involved here, with faults on both sides and you know what? He isn't perfect. As for therapy, I've had counselling, CBT & hypnotherapy. You wanna tell what else I can try? I think you should trust your gut feelings and something in my gut tells me this is wrong. I could just up and leave I guess but I also have two children to consider, he isn't their father but I brought him into their lives and they love him so I have to try and work things out for all of us.

[stace79]

Really, REALLY read the book on attachment. You are anxious and he is avoidant. Seriously - what you just wrote was like reading one of the relationships stories out of the book itself.

[undecided100661]

Really, REALLY read the book on attachment. You are anxious and he is avoidant. Seriously - what you just wrote was like reading one of the relationships stories out of the book itself.

Thanks. I will get it tomorrow. I don't know if we can save this but I hope we can. I really do love him more than I thought it was possible to love someone, maybe thats half the problem in itself. At least if I get the book and things don't work out i have a chance with someone else in the future

[vsmini]

I haven't mentioned the details as there are lots of little things. He has said he is going to the allotment but when I've called him he doesn't answer or his car isn't there when I have driven past (because I happen to be going past not cos I'm checking up btw) Twice on his email (which he was showing me at the time!) it has come up with chat requests from names like perfect pussy and teasy flirt etc. He denies any knowledge of this, probably just spam & maybe thats true. He was also getting emails, jokes n stuff, from some woman. Again he mentioned it but failed to mention the part where she had said "I'm glad you enjoyed them, as long as you like them I'll keep sending them XX' He denies knowing her. When I emailed her, suddenly he showed me an email from her saying 'oh sorry, i must have got you muddled with my friend of the same name who also lives in the same town' He has an unusual surname.. He has said he won't be drinking and will be home not to late & then come in at 5am completely smashed and he was aggressive. He wasn't cheating then, I know where he was, but he went out planning to drink & failed to mention meeting his friend first. I know you say thats because he is scared to tell me cos I'll over react but to be fair to me, I haven't always been so bad. Maybe a bit miffed to start with, but each time he is evasive or lies it makes me more paranoid. He admits to these faults and says he doesn't know why he does it. If I am upset with him about anything at all, somehow he'll always make it my fault. I am trying so hard to change but shouldn't he want to help me just a little? He claims to love me, I believe he does. He has done lots of things that make me thing he really does want to be with me so why can't he just tell the truth? Oh and the work thing? I said promotion but it isn't actually a job as such. He is a local councillor and he got made group leader, he didn't have to go, he wanted to go. He always does what he wants, whether it bothers me or not. I try to consider him before I make decisions - he makes decisions and then tells me only when he can't avoid it. This upsets me. I've been wondering if I am completely mad and some of your replies make me feel like I might be, but actually, there are two people involved here, with faults on both sides and you know what? He isn't perfect. As for therapy, I've had counselling, CBT & hypnotherapy. You wanna tell what else I can try? I think you should trust your gut feelings and something in my gut tells me this is wrong. I could just up and leave I guess but I also have two children to consider, he isn't their father but I brought him into their lives and they love him so I have to try and work things out for all of us.

 

 

About the gut feeling comment. When someone is very paranoid or feels very insecure - the trust your gut theory doesn't really work. Because your head doesn't really know how to listen to your gut at that point.

 

There were times where I thought I was having a gut reaction - I was so sure I was right because my gut told me....and I was COMPLETELY WRONG. I figured myself out and now feel a little more confident about trusting my gut. Before I couldn't.

[undecided100661]

Just looked it up and did the quiz. Guess what? I'm anxious & he is avoidant = recipe for trouble Off to buy it now, worth a try. Thanks Stace79.