It never works out as planned... letters I can't send

[OhMittens]

Dear Snugglebug,

 

So here I sit again in my sadness, holding back tears at work. We tried for many years but we just couldn't make it work. Logically I knew it and it's why I ended things, but my heart still doesn't want to quit. We were just too incompatible and never found a way to be happy at the same time. I try to be strong in front of you, heck you probably have no idea I'm even bothered. I guess you're doing ok, it's been less than two weeks but you obviously went on a date last night. As I sleep on the couch missing being with you in our bed, you're gone 6 hours to who knows where only to come home after midnight. I guess it's none of my business, but I can't help but worry about you and worry that you could be putting yourself into dangerous or situations that go against your character.

 

So my therapist tells me I've been depressed for a long time. Maybe that has something to do with my lack of interest in actually doing things? I'd hate to find out that all of this incompatability for years is based on nothing but depression. I'd hate to think I made a mistake by ending things as well. It seems like you're doing fine though, maybe you were further removed than I was because early on it seemed like you wanted to keep trying.

 

I guess we all cope our own way. I have no one to talk to outside of my therapist but it seems like you're doing all right anyways. I plan on picking up those antidepressants soon because the only way I've been wanting to cope is with a bullet, but I know that would hurt too many people to go and do.

 

Anyways I do hope you find happiness in life and if you are dating I hope you make smart decisions. Hardly a thought goes by without you in it. I so wish I knew how to make things work and that I had all the answers. I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and make all of our dreams come true. If I could promise things could work I would be on my knees at your feet begging for another chance. But I can't promise anything right now. You were the only person in life I could ever count on, the only one I was able to share myself with. But even with all of that I never felt good enough for you. I always felt you wanted more from me than I could possibly give, but I always tried my hardest.

 

Maybe it wont be so hard to give, and to live, once I start taking antidepressents. Maybe you'll be too far removed to care, I dunno. I can't help but feel that I'm going to look back at this forever knowing that I made a huge mistake and regretting everything. Constantly living in my head thinking about what I should have and could have done differently. Maybe had I been diagnosed earlier things could have been different. Maybe it's just the freshness of the wound, but suddenly all the hurdles and mountains don't look quite as high. I can't picture a future without you in it. Your smile lit up my world, we had such an intimate connection. We shared a good sense of humor and a lot of dreams together. Have I wasted it all? I guess I'll find out eventually. I'll try to keep being strong but I'm not sure how good I'm going to be for awhile. I miss you my love.

 

Love always,

Your Honey Bunny

Edited June 29, 2011 by OhMittens

[OhMittens]

Remember back to the day we met, we were both so shy. You still have the most beautiful smile in the world, but everytime you do it now it kills me. It also kills me when you look the faintest bit sad so I guess I don't win anywhere. I have to completely pull myself out of all of my thoughts to find any happiness, and that happens few and far between. You are my first and only love, and I really wanted it to stay that way. I wanted to grow old and tell our kids that we've only been with the person we love. I wanted to have children together, I still do. I want to get married and watch our babies grow up.

 

If the antidepressants do work is it going to be too late? Should I even try? You seem perfectly fine now and if you are the last thing I would want to put you through is anymore pain or remind you of what we had. Do you even want that anymore? Or have you pulled so far away that it doesn't matter? I didn't mean to be depressed. I didn't mean to have the life I had and had the reactions to it that I did. I really did want to give you the world and I tried my best. I might not have always tried in the best ways, but I did try my best. I didn't know that I was depressed. You were right when you said we used to be compatible, did the depression cause all of this? If so will the antidepressants help level me out to be more of who I used to be? If it happens will I even be worth the effort?

 

I'll try not to cry later when I see you. I'll try to give you space, but I want nothing more than to hold you and cry in your arms. I just feel like a terrible person and a terrible waste of time.

[OhMittens]

So it's not even 5am but I'm already sitting at work. I guess I should be thankful that I'm somewhere that I can just go into work whenever I wake up and leave 8 hours after that. At least this time it's not because I went to bed at 8pm, I actually went to bed pretty late and just had a hard time sleeping. Not that it matters.

 

So last night I tried talking to you. I really wanted to make things work out and work on us again, but I was denied. I don't know why I went into that first conversation with the belief that everything was going to work out, sorry I had to walk away and pick myself up after that. You seemed perfectly fine while I was whining like a baby about everything. I can't believe I expected anything I said to matter but I can't help but to follow my heart. It normally knows what is best and I guess I just trusted in it a bit too much. Maybe I wanted a little too much to have you to rely on. How can I rely on the person my heart is yearning for and make any sort of progress with myself? I have no one in life I can talk to about this sort of thing. Everyone leans on me and I need someone to help me balance myself out. I wanted that to be you...

[OhMittens]

I miss you. I miss our jokes and the fun we had together. I miss our dreams for the future and having the desire to make all of that come true. I miss wrapping you in my arms at night and never wanting to let go. I miss everything about you. I guess I just don't deserve you because I've had issues with depression and it made me act irrationally. I didn't mean to be depressed, I didn't mean to have had the childhood and life I grew up with. I'm sorry for being so screwed up and for screwing up your life so much. I will take medication and continue my therapy to try and get better. But I don't know how to live my life without you.

 

I never intended to be so irrational for so long. When I'd get depressed I'd have no motivation to do things and it made me give up on us. Instead of looking at all that we had I looked at what I thought I was missing. But those things that I was missing never really mattered unless I was feeling down. Sure I never really dated when I was younger, but the truth is the only person I really wanted to date was you. I want to make up for all that time I spent depressed. I didn't treat you right and I'm very sorry for everything. I can remember the times when I wasn't depressed, they were amazing. I was the most romantic person in the world and I stopped at nothing to make you happy. I really did try to be a good partner but when I was depressed I never felt good enough for you. It caused me to act out and pull away because I was scared you wouldn't want me. And when I was depressed I found myself falling into the same lifestyle I had when I was depressed before we met.

 

It's hard enough to do this without anything else going on. I already feel miserable for losing so much time with you, and knowing you wont take me back leaves me with so much more time to be lost. But now that you're dating makes me incredibly jealous and knowing that someone else is having all of that time I want to have with you. I can never get that back and just thinking of you looking at someone else the same way you used to look at me just kills me inside. Why can't we start over with no expectations and just try to date again? I know things will be different and we could get back the kind of love and happiness that we used to have.

 

You told me to go out and date and I said screw it last night and signed up on that plenty of fish site. It didn't surprise me to see you as my top match, honestly it was expected. We have so much in common and when I wasn't depressed we had a fairytale relationship. We had such a huge spark and things were just magical and I believe they can be again. I guess I'll try dating but everyone that I saw just failed in comparison to you. So many party girls out there, none with their head on straight like you had. You kept popping up everywhere and because of that I can't help but wonder how many guys out there are messaging you and trying to win you over. They probably seem a lot more appealing than I do, but no one will ever love you the way I do.

[brokendreamz]

Ohmittens...

 

I could've written all that. It brings a tear to my eye knowing that there's someone else going through this.

 

I too was depressed, suffered for many years before she left and I sought help. Took me ages to pluck up the courage to start on the anti depressants - I too was considering a bullet, but I know it would have caused too many people too much hurt.

 

My advice - take the pills and don't look back. They took a good 3 months before I actually realised I'm becoming myself.

 

Mindfullness meditation has helped me live in the real world rather than in my head and excersize has helped a great deal as has the therapy.

 

PM me if you feel like having a chat.

 

It does get better mate - just soo sad that we lost our loved ones due to this awful disease that is so missunderstood.

[OhMittens]

I too misunderstood it. Even as I was suffering and miserable from it I always thought it was nothing but mind over matter. Looking back though boy was I wrong. 10+ years of living this way and I was only able to break the cycle for any amount of time once.

 

I'm just not at a point where I'm ready to give up.

[brokendreamz]

It's tragic - no one should have to find out the way we did.

 

It's an amazing feeling realising I can live life 'normally' after all this time, but I am still so sad that I lost 'The One'.

 

She's with someone else now - a guy she's worked with for a few years! Leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions but for my own sanity I have to let it go.

 

Feels like winning the lotto and then having to give it all back.

[OhMittens]

Yea but it's not that easy. We own a home together and neither of us can afford to move.

[brokendreamz]

We had a house together. We sold at a loss. It's taken 6 months of hell but the sale completes tomorrow and I can finally move forward with no ties or reason to be in contact with ther.

 

My heart is broken, my head is on the mend and I will take a popsitive from this experience that I will NEVER make the same mistakes again.

 

Keep on keeping on - it's the only way. Imagine you are at the bottom of a huge mountain, every day is another step towards the top and although you can't see it yet - know that the view from the top will be worth the climb.

[OhMittens]

Selling it now would be impossible. Neither of us can afford to take the loss and because the home was purchased in 2009 the $8000 tax rebate would need to be paid back ontop of the loss that was taken. There is also an issue with having pets that can not exist in an apartment environment. Even if I wanted to leave I would be stuck.

[OhMittens]

I never let you know how important it was to have someone in my life to talk to for once. Even though I didn't always let my issues out due to my upbringing and an internal fear that I would seem too crazy it always made me happy and gave me a lot of relief to have someone I could actually talk with. You know more about me than anyone else in the world. You never judged me for my past and you were always there for me when I was ready to speak. I'm sorry that I never could be consistant with communication but when I was able to things were really good. It wasn't that I didn't want to communicate, it's actually one of the biggest things I wanted in a partner. To have someone I could communicate with and someone who would listen to me in a non judgemental way. I just got depressed and found myself lacking the words and the desire to do anything. If I could only have until the end of the year to give us a fresh start. Just date for awhile and let everything come back. I will continue with therapy and take the medication without worrying about feeling crazy for doing so. Lets just give it time and not let another summer go to waste. I wont be afraid anymore, I wont live in my head or in the future, I will live for the moment and making sure we are as happy as we can be.

 

Your words they make just a whisper

Your face is so unclear

I try to pay attention

And the words just disappear

Cuz it's always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said

 

So i speak to you in riddles

Cuz my words get in my way

I smoke the whole thing to my head

And feel it wash away

 

Cuz i can't take anymore of this

I wanna come apart

And did myself a little hole

Inside your precious heart

Cuz it's always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said

 

I am nothing more than

A little boy inside

That cries out for intention

Yet I always try to hide

 

Cuz i talk to you like children

Though i don't know how I feel

But I know I'll do the right thing

If the right thing is revealed

Cuz its always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said

[OhMittens]

I'm sorry for hurting you for so long because of my issues. But you dealt with them and me better than anyone else could have ever done. You put up with more than anyone would have been willing to. And had I not pushed you away you would still be here, you wouldn't have given up on me the same way that I did. If only there was a way to show you that I was all in this time without losing you forever first. You're going to have to point the boundaries out to me because right now I'm in no way ready to let go.

 

 

 

Wrap me in a bolt of lightning

Send me on my way still smiling

Maybe that's the way I should go,

Straight into the mouth of the unknown

I left the spare key on the table

Never really thought I'd be able to say

I merely visit on the weekends

I lost my whole life and a dear friend

 

I've said it so many times

I would change my ways

No, nevermind

God knows I've tried

 

Call me a sinner, call me a saint

Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same

Call me your favorite, call me the worst

Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt

It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

 

I finally put it all together,

But nothing really lasts forever

I had to make a choice that was not mine,

I had to say goodbye for the last time

I kept my whole life in suitcase,

Never really stayed in one place

Maybe that's the way it should be,

You know I live my life like a gypsy

 

I've said it so many times

I would change my ways

No, nevermind

God knows I've tried

 

Call me a sinner, call me a saint

Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same

Call me your favorite, call me the worst

Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt

It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

 

I'll always keep you inside, you healed my

Heart and my life... And you know I try.

 

Call me a sinner, call me a saint

Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same

Call me your favorite, call me the worst

Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt

It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

So, I'll be on my way

So, I'll be on my way

[OhMittens]

So I emailed you asking for boundaries because I obviously will not make them myself. But if you respond I surely will stay behind them no matter how much it hurts.

 

I can't help but think about the times when I wasn't depressed. Do you remember our first Valentine's day? It was 2007 and we had that terrible blizzard. There was inches of snow on the highway and still I made my way to your college. All the sliding on the road and getting my car stuck didn't matter. I was so creative back then. On the way to your school I found a way to use the snow to our advantage and stopped by the store for a red drink. I then started digging in the snow and made an "I <3 U". I then covered your dorm with sticky notes of all the reasons I love you. Sure I didn't have a lot of money, but I had love and happiness. Those feelings have felt miles away. I remember just walking with you and picking flowers and making boquets for you. Remember that day at the traffic light that I just hopped out of the car to grab you one of the pretty flowers at the traffic light? The depression took all of that away. When we fixed things before I had everything planned out but the depression came back. Did you know that this summer at the beach I was going to re-propose to you? I was going to do it at night under the moonlight. The diamonds sparkle could never compare to the sparkle in your eyes when you smile. Just thinking that I'll never be able to do that just kills me. I can be all of that again, but I don't want to be it for anyone else. I want to continue forever, together.

 

 

If you only knew

I'm hanging by a thread

The web I spin for you

If you only knew

I'd sacrifice my beating

Heart before I'd lose you

I still hold onto the letters

You returned

I swear I've lived and learned

 

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I

Toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me

Back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe

In is you, if you only knew

 

If you only knew

How many times I counted

All the words that went wrong

If you only knew

How I refuse to let you go,

Even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I

Spent, nights we shared,

Or letters that I sent

 

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I

Toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me

Back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe

In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew

 

If you only knew

I still hold onto the letters

You returned

You help me live and learn

 

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I

Toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me

Back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe

In is you, believe in is you

I still believe in you

Oh, if you only knew

[jacksonBrown]

i can relate to this i treated my ex very badly at times and she put up with me threw thick and thin i have suffered depression for a long time 10+ years also her breaking up with me was the last straw i had to seek help i've now been on anti depressants for the first time for about 5 weeks now i dont feel much different but i do feel alittle better about the break up and i feel like slowly i'm gettin my life together, stay strong

[OhMittens]

i can relate to this i treated my ex very badly at times and she put up with me threw thick and thin i have suffered depression for a long time 10+ years also her breaking up with me was the last straw i had to seek help i've now been on anti depressants for the first time for about 5 weeks now i dont feel much different but i do feel alittle better about the break up and i feel like slowly i'm gettin my life together, stay strong

It's very sad that something that we have no control of can ruin our lives. I guess I did have some control, I knew I wasn't right but always felt like it was just something I could deal with. I blamed myself constantly and just felt like I deserved to be in pain and didn't deserve to have anything good in my life. Calling it misery would be going easy on the feelings.

 

Sometimes I wonder if people like me aren't just meant to live their lives alone in sadness. Should I just give up and let her move on? Should I continue to fight because I know there is still hope? I know what I want to do but I don't know what's right to do. Life is just too difficult sometimes.

[OhMittens]

I've been working on switching jobs because I know this one doesn't make me happy. I took the job so we could move on with our lives and purchase a home together. You always told me to look for a new position and I've finally started doing so. It looks promising and will probably bring in one heck of a raise. I know how tight the budget was before and how much this could have helped all along. With the money I'm expecting there would be no reason we couldn't just fly away to the islands whenever we felt like it. We could have had the life we wanted. You being able to stay home with the kids and still be able to do the fun things we wanted to do.

 

It would have made life a lot easier and given us the chance to go onto new experiences and create new memories. I can just see you a few years in the future, holding a beautiful baby. It's not going to be my baby is it? I've missed my chance with you havent I?

 

This is my future... isnt it:

 

 

Today he told he that he loved her

Put a ring around her finger

And promised her forever, together

 

Today, she smiled for all the pictures

And he was right there with her

Making all the memories without me

 

And it hurts to say this out loud

Looks like she's really gone now

 

Today is the happiest day of her life

I should be happy for her today

So tell me why are these tears in my eyes?

I know I should be happy for her

 

But I've lost everything

I've lost everything I've ever wanted today

 

Today I thought about the moment

I could have said I loved her

And promised her forever, together

 

Today, today it really hit me

That she don't really miss me

She's found a new beginning

 

And I'm wishing

I had one more chance

God knows it's too late for that

 

Today is the happiest day of her life

I should be happy for her today

So tell me why are these tears in my eyes?

I know I should be happy for her

 

But I've lost everything

I've lost everything I've ever wanted today

 

Today is the happiest day of her life

I should be happy for her

But I've lost everything

I've lost everything I've ever wanted

 

Today he told he that he loved her

Put a ring around her finger

[OhMittens]

So I tried to talk to you again and got the response I was expecting. I guess in the end I should just give up and try to move on. I did see the doctor and get medication for myself so we will see how that works out.

 

I still am sorry for getting depressed and ruining our relationship. If I could go back and change things I would, but I'm not able to. I guess I will just leave you alone even though it hurts and I need you so badly.

 

It's time to give up I guess and just admit that things are done. I'm going to be miserable but I guess I just need to go ahead and own it. So here it goes, my first step into the unknown. It's scary but I have to do it alone. I guess having that first love last forever was just a fairytale that I was chasing. I miss you my love and I'll try to not bother you anymore.

 

 

 

And it's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

And it's been awhile

Since I first saw you

 

And it's been awhile

Since I could stand on my own two feet again

And it's been awhile

Since I could call you

 

And everything I can't remember

As f*cked up as it all may seem

The consequences that I've rendered

I've stretched myself beyond my means

 

And it's been awhile

Since I can say that I wasn't addicted

And it's been awhile

Since I can say I love myself as well

 

And it's been awhile

Since I've gone and f*cked things up just like I always do

And it's been awhile

But all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you

 

And everything I can't remember

As f*cked up as it all may seem

The consequences that I've rendered

I've gone and f*cked things up again

 

Why must I feel this way?

Just make this go away

Just one more peaceful day

 

And it's been awhile

Since I could look at myself straight

And it's been awhile

Since I said I'm sorry

 

And it's been awhile

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face

And it's been awhile

But I can still remember just the way you taste

 

And everything I can't remember

As f*cked up as it all may seem to be, I know it's me

I cannot blame this on my father

He did the best he could for me

 

And it's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

And it's been awhile

Since I said I'm sorry

[OhMittens]

I can make things better, things can be so very different. I caused you to change in so many ways because I was so insecure that I made you insecure. I'm not ashamed to have been down on my knees begging, I plan on getting better. I just need you so much. I need to make our dreams come true, no one else can give you what I can give you. I'm taking these pills, I'm fighting my depression, and I want to live again. No more living on the couch, no more unhappiness. I have missed so much time with you, so many good times. I can be happy now, I can find happiness. I just want you to be part of it. I never needed anyone or anything else, I needed you. I never felt like I was good enough for you and never felt like someone like you could ever want me. I know you love me, just give me one more chance and I'll make it up to you for every day of the rest of my life. You remember how we can be, I'm sorry I lost it because of the depression. I have all of these romantic plans and so much motivation to make every second count. Just please give me one more chance, it will be the last you ever have to give. The last risk you ever have to take with your heart. It will be protected from now until the end of time.

 

 

I never had no one

I could count on

I've been let down so many times

I was tired of hurtin'

So tired of searchin'

'Til you walked into my life

It was a feelin'

I'd never known

And for the first time

I didn't feel alone

 

You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend, oh yeah

 

You stand by me

And you believe in me

Like nobody ever has

When my world goes crazy

You're right there to save me

You make me see how much I have

And I still tremble

When we touch

And oh the look in your eyes

When we make love

 

You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

And I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend

 

You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

And I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend (my best friend)

You're my best friend (my best friend)