Be careful what you wish for

[sara101]

Not sure where to begin. Was in an affair for 4 years and just like many of you wished my AP would get divorced. Went through several Ddays. His divorce and mine were final last year. We have been together since. Both have adult children. My two are 21. He was very wealthy while married but now just comfortable and both have good jobs but things are tighter than we are both used to. Theres been jealousy because we both still talk to our former spouses even though they were both betrayed. His ex is still try to get him back and starts rumors and lies about me seeing someone else but I'm never anywhere but work and with him so he doesn’t believe her. I love him with all my heart but I miss my my daughters and family. It was so much more stress free. I miss my daughters, they wont have anything to do him, wont come to my house because it was "their" house. I left him last week to think about things and I miss him so much. I know I could never go back with my husband but I saw him for the first time in 6 months and cant stop thinking about him. I feel guilty if I leave my new relationship because he gave up his family and alot for me. But I'm just not happy. I have people telling my not to put him before my girls if they wont even come to my house. They are both finishing up thier college degrees and will be done in Dec and will be moving back to our town and will need a place to stay while looking for a house, job etc, but wont hardly speak to me and certainly wont live with me. Anyways sorry to ramble but anyone have any advice. Is it normal to miss your old life after so long? I remember the last few years I wanted nothing but to be with my AP. Now that I have him and he even asked me to marry him, not sure where I want to be.

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

Edited June 29, 2011 by sara101

[oldguy]

Not sure where to begin. Was in an affair for 4 years and just like many of you wished my AP would get divorced. Went through several Ddays. His divorce and mine were final last year. We have been together since. Both have adult children. My two are 21. He was very wealthy while married but now just comfortable and both have good jobs but things are tighter than we are both used to. Theres been jealousy because we both still talk to our former spouses even though they were both betrayed. His ex is still try to get him back and starts rumors and lies about me seeing someone else but I'm never anywhere but work and with him so he doesn’t believe her. I love him with all my heart but I miss my my daughters and family. It was so much more stress free. I miss my daughters, they wont have anything to do him, wont come to my house because it was "their" house. I left him last week to think about things and I miss him so much. I know I could never go back with my husband but I saw him for the first time in 6 months and cant stop thinking about him. I feel guilty if I leave my new relationship because he gave up his family and alot for me. But I'm just not happy. I have people telling my not to put him before my girls if they wont even come to my house. They are both finishing up thier college degrees and will be done in Dec and will be moving back to our town and will need a place to stay while looking for a house, job etc, but wont hardly speak to me and certainly wont live with me. Anyways sorry to ramble but anyone have any advice. Is it normal to miss your old life after so long? I remember the last few years I wanted nothing but to be with my AP. Now that I have him and he even asked me to marry him, not sure where I want to be.

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

Your options regarding where you want to be may be more limited than you think. My long standing belief has always been; if your having trouble in your marriage end it before you start another relationship, neither you or your current SO did that & are great examples of why you should. Are your daughters more upset with you for breaking up the family, hurting their father, being "the OW" or because they think your SO is a jerk? Getting your ex back may not be an option but getting your kids back should be a priority. The reality is; things will never be the same again, you can only try to make them better than they are now. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you should be on your own and heal. You never really had that alone time before ending your marriage and jumping into a new life with your MM, now boyfriend. You may not have truly grieved the loss of the marriage and life you once had with your husband and family unit.

 

As for your daughters, don't push them. They have every right not to want to be in their house with a new man there. Hopefully you all can work through this and see them on your own without your boyfriend present. Was there any family counseling to help with all the changes?

 

Don't try to get back with your exH, he's moved on and isn't fair to all of a sudden want him and that life back..Sadly for you, that ship has sailed since you chose your MM over him and the kids.

[bentnotbroken]

Your daughters are hurting, let them heal. It sometimes is like a cold bucket of water, but as WWIU said, be alone and figure things out.

[woinlove]

Sorry to hear of the rifts in your family. From the few cases I know and the stories I have heard, infidelity seems especially difficult for teens to 20 or so. I'm not an expert so don't know why, but perhaps connected to the age where they are formulating their own ideas about romantic attachments, families, etc. I think counselling is essential for this age group when one parent leaves for another partner. Did they have counselling?

 

Only you know if you are with the partner you want, but I would hope he gives you his fullest support in repairing your R with your daughters. In any case, my advice would be to give this the highest priority. A life with a poor relationship with one's children is a sad life. Also, I would think in terms of years, rather than months. The trust has to be reestablished.

 

As to how much you wanted to be with your AP before - it is so much easier to want something one doesn't have and to take for granted or undervalue what we already have and have had for a while.

[oldguy]

Oh pa-leese! she's been cheating for five years the only change she is getting use to is everything unraveled & she doesn't have the best of both worlds anymore. When she is 80 yo her daughters will still be her daughters so that relationship takes priority over the one with her current SO

 

And what about his kids, how old are they & what is his relationship with them & theirs with you?

[alexandria35]

You can't go back and undo what's been done. I think the best thing for you would be to get into some individual counselling so that you can heal and grow from this point. Does the MM live with you? I can't tell from your OP if he moved in with you or just spends a lot of time at your place.

 

If you want to repair the relationship with your daughters then you shouldn't be forcing the OM on them. You both should have your own place where you can see your kids without them feeling like you are flaunting your affair in their face. Even if there was no affair beginning to this relationship, everone knows that when a marriage ends it usually a bad idea to jump right into the next relationship, without taking time to process your last relationship and heal from that. This is probably even more true when kids are involved. Of course your daughters are disgusted at seeing another man in there home, where their father used to be. What did you think your daughters were going to do when this happened? Did you have some sort of fantasy where you pictured you, your OM and your kids all sitting around the table laughing and having a good time? It always surprises me when people in affairs are almost caught off guard by their kids and families negative reactions to their behavior. Like they truly believed everyone would just be so happy for them.

[fooled once]

Maybe you should be on your own and heal. You never really had that alone time before ending your marriage and jumping into a new life with your MM, now boyfriend. You may not have truly grieved the loss of the marriage and life you once had with your husband and family unit.

 

As for your daughters, don't push them. They have every right not to want to be in their house with a new man there. Hopefully you all can work through this and see them on your own without your boyfriend present. Was there any family counseling to help with all the changes?

 

Don't try to get back with your exH, he's moved on and isn't fair to all of a sudden want him and that life back..Sadly for you, that ship has sailed since you chose your MM over him and the kids.

 

You can't go back and undo what's been done. I think the best thing for you would be to get into some individual counselling so that you can heal and grow from this point. Does the MM live with you? I can't tell from your OP if he moved in with you or just spends a lot of time at your place.

 

If you want to repair the relationship with your daughters then you shouldn't be forcing the OM on them. You both should have your own place where you can see your kids without them feeling like you are flaunting your affair in their face. Even if there was no affair beginning to this relationship, everone knows that when a marriage ends it usually a bad idea to jump right into the next relationship, without taking time to process your last relationship and heal from that. This is probably even more true when kids are involved. Of course your daughters are disgusted at seeing another man in there home, where their father used to be. What did you think your daughters were going to do when this happened? Did you have some sort of fantasy where you pictured you, your OM and your kids all sitting around the table laughing and having a good time? It always surprises me when people in affairs are almost caught off guard by their kids and families negative reactions to their behavior. Like they truly believed everyone would just be so happy for them.

 

I agree with both of the above posts.

 

Your daughters should mean more to you than some guy you had an affair with.

 

I am guessing the kids know of the affair. They probably will never accept him or like him, and that is understandable.

 

You are cutting them out of your life. Please rethink living with this man. He will probably be out of your life in a few years, but your kids will always be your kids. I just cannot grasp the fact that you have chosen this man over your kids. I am sure if he was not someone you have been having an affair with, they would still be upset, but not like they are now. It seems to them that you have just replaced their dad with this guy. Our kids don't make the rules for us adults, but you seem to not even care how your kids are feeling . How sad for your kids.

 

No man will ever come before my relationship with my son. I would feel the same way as your girls do if my mom did what you are doing. Younare telling them with your actions that he means more to you than they do.

[MissBee]

 

I feel for you Sara.

 

I have never been married, had an affair then divorced and married the AP, so I cannot speak to that personally. But I would imagine that sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side and sometimes people have affairs instead of working on their marriages first, which no doubt makes everything worst, they leave and then the new life with the AP is not all that it's cracked up to be and they may realize their old life wasn't so bad, just needed some nurturing.

 

I can imagine that realization being a painful thing. I can't even imagine.

 

Your family, your girls are more important than any man... men come and go, as we see, but your daughters are yours forever, so I would reach out to them and try to come up with a plan for seeing them and being in their lives.

 

I don't know where you stand with your current man, but you say you've been thinking about your exH...I don't know what that means for you. Do you feel like you made a mistake or is it just nostalgia or what? Are you happier with your fMM now minus the fallout with your children?

 

Maybe some family counseling is in order to help heal things...

 

However, I think what is done is done, so things will probably never "go back to normal" post affair, but they can be better than they are now.

 

In any case you have a lot you need to sort through and should probably find a counselor whom you can get feedback on who can help you to work through what's going on with you right now in terms of: how to mend your family, figuring out whether or not you do love your new partner and want to be with him or have you just been in a fog that has dissipated and you now realize you still love your ex, maybe you guys can reconcile, maybe you can't, and how would you go forward whichever the case is. Many questions you need to ask yourself and think about. Whatever happens...it won't be easy, but with a plan it will be manageable. Goodluck to you!

Edited June 30, 2011 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Maybe you should be on your own and heal. You never really had that alone time before ending your marriage and jumping into a new life with your MM, now boyfriend. You may not have truly grieved the loss of the marriage and life you once had with your husband and family unit.

 

As for your daughters, don't push them. They have every right not to want to be in their house with a new man there. Hopefully you all can work through this and see them on your own without your boyfriend present. Was there any family counseling to help with all the changes?

 

Don't try to get back with your exH, he's moved on and isn't fair to all of a sudden want him and that life back. .Sadly for you, that ship has sailed since you chose your MM over him and the kids.

 

Agree 100%

[Got it]

Sara, I am sorry for the pain you are in. Have you been in IC? What about family counseling? Or couples counseling?

 

It is hard to try and mend things afterwards but it does take communication and time. It may mean being on your own for awhile But you need to communicate to your new partner how you feel and what you are thinking. You need to work through your coping mechanisms and see if you are repeating similar patterns.

 

Your girls should be important to you. So should your happiness. It is finding out what that means how it can happen. The more dialogue you can have with your daugthers the better. My parents divorced in my 20s and while it wasn't great news I knew that it is was the best decision for them. I also found out about an affair my mom had had. It just made me angry at her for not leaving sooner.

 

But I learned in college that while my parents are my parents that are really just another two adults who really aren't that much wiser or more capable than I am. They do the best they can, they make mistakes, but they try. That is the lesson I walked away from and any teenage anger I had washed away. I still don't agree with a lot of their decisions in their personal lives but it no longer impacts me. I love them, support them, but I don't have to agree.

 

It takes time and just reach out. I have the closest relationship wth my dad now bacause at that time period he was the one reaching out to me the most and supporting me the most. That has always meant a lot to me. For me, the affair didn't mean much. Nor does any of their dating antics now.

[growingpains]

Not sure where to begin. Was in an affair for 4 years and just like many of you wished my AP would get divorced. Went through several Ddays. His divorce and mine were final last year. We have been together since. Both have adult children. My two are 21. He was very wealthy while married but now just comfortable and both have good jobs but things are tighter than we are both used to. Theres been jealousy because we both still talk to our former spouses even though they were both betrayed. His ex is still try to get him back and starts rumors and lies about me seeing someone else but I'm never anywhere but work and with him so he doesn’t believe her. I love him with all my heart but I miss my my daughters and family. It was so much more stress free. I miss my daughters, they wont have anything to do him, wont come to my house because it was "their" house. I left him last week to think about things and I miss him so much. I know I could never go back with my husband but I saw him for the first time in 6 months and cant stop thinking about him. I feel guilty if I leave my new relationship because he gave up his family and alot for me. But I'm just not happy. I have people telling my not to put him before my girls if they wont even come to my house. They are both finishing up thier college degrees and will be done in Dec and will be moving back to our town and will need a place to stay while looking for a house, job etc, but wont hardly speak to me and certainly wont live with me. Anyways sorry to ramble but anyone have any advice. Is it normal to miss your old life after so long? I remember the last few years I wanted nothing but to be with my AP. Now that I have him and he even asked me to marry him, not sure where I want to be.

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

 

Sara, it has obviously taken a lot to come to this realisation and share it on here. I'm sure a lot of people will really appreciate you sharing what you are going through and I am sorry that you are feeling like this now.

 

I was particularly struck by your statement that I've highlighted in bold as often, ironically, this is what drives some people to seek affairs. They crave excitement and escape from the familiar and comfortable. However, all relationships change over time and if you do really want to make it work with FMM then I echo the other posters that suggest getting some therapy or counselling.

 

Any transition in life is going to be stressful and difficult but it could be that underlying emotions need to be dealt with before you can settle into the relationship as a relationship, rather than an affair, if that is what you really want.

 

As for your daughters, it must be difficult for them to accept a man they they may see as in part responsible for the break-up of their family but they are at the age where they are just learning about relationships themselves so may over time come to learn that things are not as black and white as they should be. It seems from your post that it is him they have the problem with, not you?

 

If you wanted to be with your AP so much that you split from your husband then those feelings should still be there once the pain, confusion and grief for your marriage and family has been worked through.

 

GP

[sara101]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have never chosen my boyfriend over my daughters. I do acknowledge I wasn’t emotionally all there during the last year of my marriage. The same month I moved out and filed for divorce they both went to college 2 hours away. Anytime they needed me I was there at the drop of the hat no matter who I was with or what I was doing. I wasn’t fully cheating for 5 years. It was an emotional affair until I moved out of our home. Although it doesn’t matter, believe it or not, we never sleep together fully until I moved out of the house, I know EA are affairs too but I just wouldn’t let myself do it and still sleep with my husband. I agree my daughters and I need to go to counseling. They have already said they would go before school starts. I also never thought the grass was greener. Just thought I loved him and couldn’t live without him. Now I wonder if it was just the excitement from just going out to dinner or whatever without getting caught. Its funny cause now I long for that boring marriage where I worked, went home and maybe hung out with friends once and a while. Now i lost most of those friends and I wish I had it back. Just tired of dealing with the boyfriends ex and all the drama with his kids not excepting me and his ex trying to start crap. And I know I cant go back to my husband. He doesnt have a girlfriend but I'm sure has moved on even though he tells the girls he still misses me. Still don’t really know what my question here was only wanted to share.

[Got it]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have never chosen my boyfriend over my daughters. I do acknowledge I wasn’t emotionally all there during the last year of my marriage. The same month I moved out and filed for divorce they both went to college 2 hours away. Anytime they needed me I was there at the drop of the hat no matter who I was with or what I was doing. I wasn’t fully cheating for 5 years. It was an emotional affair until I moved out of our home. Although it doesn’t matter, believe it or not, we never sleep together fully until I moved out of the house, I know EA are affairs too but I just wouldn’t let myself do it and still sleep with my husband. I agree my daughters and I need to go to counseling. They have already said they would go before school starts. I also never thought the grass was greener. Just thought I loved him and couldn’t live without him. Now I wonder if it was just the excitement from just going out to dinner or whatever without getting caught. Its funny cause now I long for that boring marriage where I worked, went home and maybe hung out with friends once and a while. Now i lost most of those friends and I wish I had it back. Just tired of dealing with the boyfriends ex and all the drama with his kids not excepting me and his ex trying to start crap. And I know I cant go back to my husband. He doesnt have a girlfriend but I'm sure has moved on even though he tells the girls he still misses me. Still don’t really know what my question here was only wanted to share.

 

sara, that is why, even in an affair you have to know if you are divorcing for you or for the other person. You do not leave for the other person, that puts too much on them, the relationship and your expectations.

 

I understand, I was still married when my EMR started but I knew where my marriage stood, we/I already tried everything that I could and had already decided that I was going to be leaving. My marriage ended based on its own merits, not for the other person.

 

It seems like you may have left for him, not for you, and now you are feeling like you are holding the short end of the stick. I guess it is a opportunity to learn for you, more about yourself, what you needs and wants are and what you think is best for you. It seems like you are still floundering about trying to find your own path. I highly recommend IC for you, give you an impartial ear to try and figure things out.

[growingpains]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have never chosen my boyfriend over my daughters. I do acknowledge I wasn’t emotionally all there during the last year of my marriage. The same month I moved out and filed for divorce they both went to college 2 hours away. Anytime they needed me I was there at the drop of the hat no matter who I was with or what I was doing. I wasn’t fully cheating for 5 years. It was an emotional affair until I moved out of our home. Although it doesn’t matter, believe it or not, we never sleep together fully until I moved out of the house, I know EA are affairs too but I just wouldn’t let myself do it and still sleep with my husband. I agree my daughters and I need to go to counseling. They have already said they would go before school starts. I also never thought the grass was greener. Just thought I loved him and couldn’t live without him. Now I wonder if it was just the excitement from just going out to dinner or whatever without getting caught. Its funny cause now I long for that boring marriage where I worked, went home and maybe hung out with friends once and a while. Now i lost most of those friends and I wish I had it back. Just tired of dealing with the boyfriends ex and all the drama with his kids not excepting me and his ex trying to start crap. And I know I cant go back to my husband. He doesnt have a girlfriend but I'm sure has moved on even though he tells the girls he still misses me. Still don’t really know what my question here was only wanted to share.

 

I think sometimes it just helps to share and putting it down in writing can help get your thoughts out and get some kind of perspective. I think also you sharing will really be invaluable for helping people see the reality of the situation and maybe make people think twice about things if they are in the same situation. I know those messages particularly help me see the other side too.

 

It's very poignant and honest that you say now you long for that boring marriage and you're tired of all the drama. I do hope that eventually things settle enough for you to see past all the upset and drama and get to the situation where you find out what you truly want, and talking to someone will help that, I'm sure of that.

 

GP

[White Flower]

sara, that is why, even in an affair you have to know if you are divorcing for you or for the other person. You do not leave for the other person, that puts too much on them, the relationship and your expectations.

 

I understand, I was still married when my EMR started but I knew where my marriage stood, we/I already tried everything that I could and had already decided that I was going to be leaving. My marriage ended based on its own merits, not for the other person.

 

It seems like you may have left for him, not for you, and now you are feeling like you are holding the short end of the stick. I guess it is a opportunity to learn for you, more about yourself, what you needs and wants are and what you think is best for you. It seems like you are still floundering about trying to find your own path. I highly recommend IC for you, give you an impartial ear to try and figure things out.

 

 

 

I couldn't have said this, or related better to it myself. I decided to D based on the condition of my M alone, and not because I already met MM. I wouldn't have wanted any regrets about D, and I wouldn't want to confuse a future R with MM based on my D. They had to be two separate things.

[Emme]

Sara, I can only speak on your daughters. Right now it must be hard for them but in time they will come around. I know for me I had a lot of hate for my father when he had a love child. It was painful and still is to this day. The one thing that did save me from being angry inside is my mother. She always told me no matter what my father has done it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. Sometimes words like that are what people have to hear and she was right. She was in pain but she never poisoned my mind against him. I thank her for that to this day. You say your children are grown, sit them down woman to woman and explain to them that no matter what you will always love them. If they choose to not make you a part of their life and miss out it would not only be hurtful to you but also to them. All I can tell you is people spend more time hating than loving. God forbid you were to die they are wasting precious moments they could be sharing with you. Make sure you tell them that... no one is promised tomorrow.

[fooled once]

Sara, I can only speak on your daughters. Right now it must be hard for them but in time they will come around. I know for me I had a lot of hate for my father when he had a love child. It was painful and still is to this day. The one thing that did save me from being angry inside is my mother. She always told me no matter what my father has done it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. Sometimes words like that are what people have to hear and she was right. She was in pain but she never poisoned my mind against him. I thank her for that to this day. You say your children are grown, sit them down woman to woman and explain to them that no matter what you will always love them. If they choose to not make you a part of their life and miss out it would not only be hurtful to you but also to them. All I can tell you is people spend more time hating than loving. God forbid you were to die they are wasting precious moments they could be sharing with you. Make sure you tell them that... no one is promised tomorrow.

 

Emme, unfortunately, sometimes the kids never come around. Sometimes they will never forgive the parent who cheated. They may always blame the OM for their mom leaving the marriage. Heck, they may have had an issue with the marriage, but with the cheating.

 

These girls do not ever have to accept him. The only person they need to have a relationship with is their mom. They may see him in a clearer light than the mom does They may choose to never accept him and mom has to be okay with that and not try to force it. It happens and it can forever alter a parent/child relationship. Unfortunately, the mom not only has lost a bond with her daughters, but has no friends to lean on .... so does that mean everyone else is wrong or that possibly that sara was wrong? You can't force anyone to accept or love anyone. Her girls have their own feelings and thoughts and sara needs to allow them to make their own decisions regarding the OM.

[Emme]

No one will ever make me stay away from my parents. Lets all be adults. I don't like you, but I can tolerate you. I'm actually talking about their bond with there mother. Seems they want nothing to do with her either. They need a good talking to. Cheater or no cheater... I gave you life. Get with the program.

[bentnotbroken]

No one will ever make me stay away from my parents. Let's all be adults. I don't like you, but I can tolerate you. I'm actually talking about their bond with there mother. Seems they want nothing to do with her either. They need a good talking to. Cheater or no cheater... I gave you life. Get with the program.

 

 

Giving life does not entitle one to a relationship. It may for some involve behaving with respect(which for some is staying away from a parent in order to remain respectful and give them what one thinks they deserve). This would apply to a parent who is on the wrong side of the law, a gambler, drug user, mental illness, cheating...whatever is the breaking point for someone to walk away.

 

The program is whatever the "adult" child deems appropriate and necessary for them to live their lives as healthy as they see fit. The adult thing to do would be for the the offending parent to deal with it until their child heals in the way that is best for them.

 

What one person deems a bond, another may see nothing but their entry into the world. There is no law saying one has to tolerate a person because they share blood. Let's pray that nothing every happens that would necessitate your need to stay away from your parents, but some of us haven't been that blessed.