Realism

[Crazy chick1]

Having just read BB07's post re how she allowed herself to be treated by her MM & the shame she feels looking back, I feel so down. This is exactly how I am allowing myself to be treated & I don't even blame my MM because I am responsible for my own actions & I allow myself to be treated like a piece of dirt. It doesn't even help re his plans to get a bedside for himself because I know it will just allow him to be an even bigger cake eater than he is already & I will end up hurting even more.

 

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

I feel sick to the stomach just considering it, it totally flies in the face of the love I feel for him & I probably won't do it, but I don't know how else I will ever break the addiction because he is certainly not going to make it easy for me. I just feel that it may come to this because the lows I feel knowing he goes back to her after being with me are so crippling that I will have to do something eventually. Any thoughts?

Edited June 29, 2011 by Crazy chick1

[OWoman]

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

Crazy, you sound unhappy. If the R is no good for you, leave it.

 

The "only way out" does not have to involve busting him to the BW. You can simply leave, and leave him (and her) to their own devices. Your fate is not bound up with his, or theirs. Your fate is your own to decide.

[MissBee]

Having just read BB07's post re how she allowed herself to be treated by her MM & the shame she feels looking back, I feel so down. This is exactly how I am allowing myself to be treated & I don't even blame my MM because I am responsible for my own actions & I allow myself to be treated like a piece of dirt. It doesn't even help re his plans to get a bedside for himself because I know it will just allow him to be an even bigger cake eater than he is already & I will end up hurting even more.

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

I feel sick to the stomach just considering it, it totally flies in the face of the love I feel for him & I probably won't do it, but I don't know how else I will ever break the addiction because he is certainly not going to make it easy for me. I just feel that it may come to this because the lows I feel knowing he goes back to her after being with me are so crippling that I will have to do something eventually. Any thoughts?

 

 

CC...are u hearing yourself?

 

How is telling his wife so HE has no options a solution? As in every thread, you make it seem like it is all in HIS hands and you're some prisoner and the only way for it to end is if he ends it or you throw him under the bus to wifey and he has no options....

 

Say what now?

 

You are very much an agent in this whole charade...so the energy and time spent to throw him under the bus and causing even further distress would be better off spent simply deciding to be done...instill NC....delete his number and the lot and run away from the whole thing with your finders in your ear screaming, if that's what it takes to be done.

 

But all this other stuff looks like a person laying on their back in 2 teaspoons of water behaving as if they're drowning and waiting for a Life Guard to rescue them when if they would stop flailing about, they'd see they can just get the heck up and carry on with things.

[Gentlegirl]

Tthere is no point in involvin ghis wofe.

 

YOu need to have the courage to just go NC and walk away.

 

He doesn't deserve and explanation . His wife doesn't deserve to be put in the middle of things and hut\rt.

 

Believe me telling her won't stop him.

 

YOU are the only one who can.

 

Good Luck,

 

Gentlegirl

[Crazy chick1]

In which ways do you feel he is treating you like dirt? Have you always felt like that or is it after Dday? Do you doubt that he loves you? Does he not treat you well? Is it that he is not ready to get a divorce?

 

Since D day everything has seemed so much harder to live with because whereas we could plead ignorance before in terms of how much we would hurt others, this time we are fully aware of how our actions impact on others & yet we carry on regardless. I feel disgusted & I believe he does too, which is why the crumbs he is able to throw me are even less than before & I feel more alone than ever. Whilst he is with her at home, I am alone & more often than not in tears. He used to take regular walks at night, which allowed us to talk in the evenings but obviously that's a big no-no now. Every day I resolve to ask him searching questions & every day I shy away for fear of driving him away. That is so desperate & pathetic it's not even funny.

 

So he doesn't treat me like dirt deliberately, it's obviously the situation, which is why I can't blame him. His selfishness is obviously damaging me because he doesn't want to lose me but other than that he treats me with love & respect (as far as is possible within an A).

 

He knows that I want a R not an A because he's said it himself. Divorce has not really been discussed & because they've been together for so damned long I'd feel a fool for asking him to make a decision (pathetic again I know). He told me just today that the thought of breaking up & sorting everything out is 'scary'. And I do understand & regularly assure him that I understand. I need to know how he sees this panning out. He has told me several times that he has to let his W decide whether or not she wishes to try again, but I just keep thinking that she most likely wouldn't if she realised the truth, which is that within a few short months he was back in an A with her sworn enemy. I don't get how he can be so scared of losing his M yet play with fire at a time when her senses must be on overdrive keeping tabs on him. Just seems such a dangerously crazy game to play.

[Tenacity]

He has told me several times that he has to let his W decide whether or not she wishes to try again

 

Right there is his decision, CC.

 

I do know how hard it is to walk away, trust me I do. But he isn't going to be with you... unless W refuses him. Do you want him then?

[Tenacity]

It is quite common for MM to feel it is their duty to work on the marriage, generally to no avail since they are still in love with the OW. But they need to find that out themselves.

 

I agree that they feel guilty and dutiful, but I find it interesting that in all your posts your assumption is that the MM loves the OW and not the wife. That is simply not the case, most of the time. That is affair fog.

 

In any event it doesn't really matter, because most of the time, for whatever reason, they don't leave the M. The end result is the point here.

[whichwayisup]

Having just read BB07's post re how she allowed herself to be treated by her MM & the shame she feels looking back, I feel so down. This is exactly how I am allowing myself to be treated & I don't even blame my MM because I am responsible for my own actions & I allow myself to be treated like a piece of dirt. It doesn't even help re his plans to get a bedside for himself because I know it will just allow him to be an even bigger cake eater than he is already & I will end up hurting even more.

 

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

I feel sick to the stomach just considering it, it totally flies in the face of the love I feel for him & I probably won't do it, but I don't know how else I will ever break the addiction because he is certainly not going to make it easy for me. I just feel that it may come to this because the lows I feel knowing he goes back to her after being with me are so crippling that I will have to do something eventually. Any thoughts?

 

Honestly, I think you should just tell him goodbye and mean it, then do everything you can to do no contact. Talking to his wife will only add more drama and keep you wondering wtf is going on. Instead of him choosing, YOU CHOOSE.

 

Deep down you KNOW this man is NOT leaving his wife and family for you. The sooner you accept this and let go, rid of any hope, the better off you will be.

[whichwayisup]

I don't get how he can be so scared of losing his M yet play with fire at a time when her senses must be on overdrive keeping tabs on him. Just seems such a dangerously crazy game to play.

 

This is a huge problem of yours. AGAIN, focussing on the why's and how's of his choices and his marriage. It really doesn't matter. What matters is how YOU handle this and figure out a way to get the hell out of the affair completely and get into NC mode with him. It's your only safe way out.

[jj33]

In which ways do you feel he is treating you like dirt? Have you always felt like that or is it after Dday? Do you doubt that he loves you? Does he not treat you well? Is it that he is not ready to get a divorce?

 

Elsa, did you not see he was physically aggressive towards her? Did you not read her posts? Stop pushing your own agenda when its not in the best interests of the poster.

 

CC - as others have said you do need to get out, he isnt treating you well. But you do NOT have to tell his wife. They are doing whatever they are doing in their marriage, taking a break going to MC, whatever. Its not your marriage its theirs. When you thought you wanted him you didnt feel the need to tell her did you? Its not your place to tell her now. Your motives would not be "clean".

[26pointblue]

Hi Crazy, here are my thoughts & I hope they help you. I've been where you are & BB07 also helped me tremendously so I'm hoping I can pass what I learned from her (& others here) onto you. :-)

 

Having just read BB07's post re how she allowed herself to be treated by her MM & the shame she feels looking back, I feel so down. This is exactly how I am allowing myself to be treated & I don't even blame my MM because I am responsible for my own actions & I allow myself to be treated like a piece of dirt. It doesn't even help re his plans to get a bedside for himself because I know it will just allow him to be an even bigger cake eater than he is already & I will end up hurting even more.

 

This is great that you're realizing this. Realizing/admitting it is the first step & now you have to act on it. You are right that you are giving him all the power & the ability to hurt you & that your decision to stay in this is yours & not his. It's time to take back your power & re-gain a sense of control. Take action in your own life & this is your way out!!!!

 

 

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

I think you are wrong that he will be left with no options. He may still have his wife. If she is willing to forgive him & work through this with him then she probably won't leave him just because his OW comes to her & tattletells on her husband.

 

My xMM's wife found out about so many times. Each time both he & I thought she would get rid of him. She even did kick him out several times; they were separated seveal times, but each time he went crawling back & she took him. There is nothing I could have told her to make her get rid of him. This was her decision, just as staying in the affair was mine. And honestly I think that talking to her would just give her more reason to fight for what was hers. After that long of a history together, kids, a shared lifestyle, etc., she has so many reasons to stay with him & she would not take well to a new woman coming in & claiming him. So honestly your strategy might backfire & make her fight even harder for him. So don't do it because you want him to have no options-- it most likely won't work that way.

 

In my case I did talk to xMM's wife several times; the last time she called me seeking answers & not being able to trust him, & I told her a lot of things she hadn't known. A lot of things he had been lying about, the affair continuing & somewhat to its extent [i didn't tell her everything- I was done w/ him but still felt a protective urge & didn't want to throw him under the bus . . . even though he had thrown me under the bus plenty by that time]. Anyway even after sharing that information with her, do you think she left him? No. In fact she found reasons to blame me & said her husband is sick & I am the reason he is cheating & if I just left him alone he would be a great husband etc. Believe me if they want to stay married to him they will find any excuse [just as we find our own excuses/rationalizations to stay in an affair with them . . . & honestly I understand the wife's reasoning better than my own, because she had a lot to lose- her family as she knew it, the kids having their dad live with them full-time, the entwined families, etc . . . & I was staying with him for what? Heartache & drama & the web of future fairy tales he liked to weave & the occasional highs & good sex? It was ridiculous really & I see now how her justifications were more necessary than mine . . . I was just hurting myself like you are hurting yourself now.]

 

I feel sick to the stomach just considering it, it totally flies in the face of the love I feel for him & I probably won't do it, but I don't know how else I will ever break the addiction because he is certainly not going to make it easy for me. I just feel that it may come to this because the lows I feel knowing he goes back to her after being with me are so crippling that I will have to do something eventually. Any thoughts?

 

If you really do love him then don't purposefully hurt him. She knows of the affair & it's his job to come to terms with it & give her the details & tell her how long it continued etc. That is all on him. If you care for him then get out of the way so he can keep his promises to someone at least. And even more importantly if you care for yourself then don't bring more drama on yourself & do things that go against what you believe you should do. Just walk away. You would still be making this about him when it needs to be about you. As you acknowledged above, you are giving him too much power, & as I told you above, you need to take it back. Make your life be about you, not him. And certainly not about her. I'm sure his wife has been through enough & she doesn't need to hear hurtful things from you. If they are really going to make it then she will hear it from him. At least that is what I believe to be true- that real love can't exist without full honesty & openness. So he is either going to live in hell with his secrets or he is going to tell her, or she will find out some other way . . . either way, it's between him & her, not you. Your job is to focus on yourself & live a good life for yourself.

 

Walk away with dignity. BB07 helped me do this. Send him a text that says, 'I wish you the best in life, but I can no longer be apart of it. Goodbye.' Then change your number, block or delete all ways for him to contact you. If you have to follow up with a threat to tell the wife then do that if absolutely necessary, but, hopefully he will leave you alone. Hopefully he will find peace but really who cares about him . . . the point is for you to find peace. Do whatever it takes but don't involve the wife if you really don't have to. I feel it's not fair to her after everything else, & it will only leave you feeling more guilty & tormented at the end of the day. Start now by doing only the right things, for yourself & no one else. That's the only way out.

 

And for the record for me it took a bit of time for BB07's advice to sink in & for other people's advice like Owl to sink in about blocking all ways for him to contact me. I know it's not an easy or overnight process. I think you have come very far & you will continue to go further & that's your way to healing. Good luck. Feel free to talk to me any time you want about this - I know where you're at & I think you are on your way to coming through to the other side! :-) Best wishes & hugs.

[fooled once]

Having just read BB07's post re how she allowed herself to be treated by her MM & the shame she feels looking back, I feel so down. This is exactly how I am allowing myself to be treated & I don't even blame my MM because I am responsible for my own actions & I allow myself to be treated like a piece of dirt. It doesn't even help re his plans to get a bedside for himself because I know it will just allow him to be an even bigger cake eater than he is already & I will end up hurting even more.

 

I really am starting to wonder if the only way out is to bite the bullet & throw him under the bus & come clean to his W. The evidence I have is totally damning & I sorta figure that if he can't decide which one of us he wants, why not leave him with no options.

 

I feel sick to the stomach just considering it, it totally flies in the face of the love I feel for him & I probably won't do it, but I don't know how else I will ever break the addiction because he is certainly not going to make it easy for me. I just feel that it may come to this because the lows I feel knowing he goes back to her after being with me are so crippling that I will have to do something eventually. Any thoughts?

 

how hard is it to say "do not contact me again or I will call your wife and provide her with proof of our affair"?

 

WHY can't you value yourself more? WHY do you need help to tell him to get lost? Are you this indecisive and easily controlled in other parts of your life?

[Loni]

You can tell his wife. Ain't nothing more guaranteed to make her dig her heels in. Even if she is sickened by him you can bet she isn't going to pack him a hot lunch and send him over to you.

[whichwayisup]

You can tell his wife. Ain't nothing more guaranteed to make her dig her heels in. Even if she is sickened by him you can bet she isn't going to pack him a hot lunch and send him over to you.

 

I agree. Not only that, but let's say you DO tell her and he talks his way (again) into begging and staying, minimizing etc., and then a month goes by and he calls you, wants to see you again, as .. a .. friend.. You'll be exactly in the same spot as before! Torn as to what to do!

 

The only way OUT is for you to tell him goodbye and BE STRONG, stay away from him, and do NC.

[Tenacity]

Hi Crazy, here are my thoughts & I hope they help you. I've been where you are & BB07 also helped me tremendously so I'm hoping I can pass what I learned from her (& others here) onto you. :-)

 

 

 

This is great that you're realizing this. Realizing/admitting it is the first step & now you have to act on it. You are right that you are giving him all the power & the ability to hurt you & that your decision to stay in this is yours & not his. It's time to take back your power & re-gain a sense of control. Take action in your own life & this is your way out!!!!

 

 

 

I think you are wrong that he will be left with no options. He may still have his wife. If she is willing to forgive him & work through this with him then she probably won't leave him just because his OW comes to her & tattletells on her husband.

 

My xMM's wife found out about so many times. Each time both he & I thought she would get rid of him. She even did kick him out several times; they were separated seveal times, but each time he went crawling back & she took him. There is nothing I could have told her to make her get rid of him. This was her decision, just as staying in the affair was mine. And honestly I think that talking to her would just give her more reason to fight for what was hers. After that long of a history together, kids, a shared lifestyle, etc., she has so many reasons to stay with him & she would not take well to a new woman coming in & claiming him. So honestly your strategy might backfire & make her fight even harder for him. So don't do it because you want him to have no options-- it most likely won't work that way.

 

In my case I did talk to xMM's wife several times; the last time she called me seeking answers & not being able to trust him, & I told her a lot of things she hadn't known. A lot of things he had been lying about, the affair continuing & somewhat to its extent [i didn't tell her everything- I was done w/ him but still felt a protective urge & didn't want to throw him under the bus . . . even though he had thrown me under the bus plenty by that time]. Anyway even after sharing that information with her, do you think she left him? No. In fact she found reasons to blame me & said her husband is sick & I am the reason he is cheating & if I just left him alone he would be a great husband etc. Believe me if they want to stay married to him they will find any excuse [just as we find our own excuses/rationalizations to stay in an affair with them . . . & honestly I understand the wife's reasoning better than my own, because she had a lot to lose- her family as she knew it, the kids having their dad live with them full-time, the entwined families, etc . . . & I was staying with him for what? Heartache & drama & the web of future fairy tales he liked to weave & the occasional highs & good sex? It was ridiculous really & I see now how her justifications were more necessary than mine . . . I was just hurting myself like you are hurting yourself now.

 

If you really do love him then don't purposefully hurt him. She knows of the affair & it's his job to come to terms with it & give her the details & tell her how long it continued etc. That is all on him. If you care for him then get out of the way so he can keep his promises to someone at least. And even more importantly if you care for yourself then don't bring more drama on yourself & do things that go against what you believe you should do. Just walk away. You would still be making this about him when it needs to be about you. As you acknowledged above, you are giving him too much power, & as I told you above, you need to take it back. Make your life be about you, not him. And certainly not about her. I'm sure his wife has been through enough & she doesn't need to hear hurtful things from you. If they are really going to make it then she will hear it from him. At least that is what I believe to be true- that real love can't exist without full honesty & openness. So he is either going to live in hell with his secrets or he is going to tell her, or she will find out some other way . . . either way, it's between him & her, not you. Your job is to focus on yourself & live a good life for yourself.

 

Walk away with dignity. BB07 helped me do this. Send him a text that says, 'I wish you the best in life, but I can no longer be apart of it. Goodbye.' Then change your number, block or delete all ways for him to contact you. If you have to follow up with a threat to tell the wife then do that if absolutely necessary, but, hopefully he will leave you alone. Hopefully he will find peace but really who cares about him . . . the point is for you to find peace. Do whatever it takes but don't involve the wife if you really don't have to. I feel it's not fair to her after everything else, & it will only leave you feeling more guilty & tormented at the end of the day. Start now by doing only the right things, for yourself & no one else. That's the only way out.

 

And for the record for me it took a bit of time for BB07's advice to sink in & for other people's advice like Owl to sink in about blocking all ways for him to contact me. I know it's not an easy or overnight process. I think you have come very far & you will continue to go further & that's your way to healing. Good luck. Feel free to talk to me any time you want about this - I know where you're at & I think you are on your way to coming through to the other side! :-) Best wishes & hugs.

 

What an absolutely fantastic post.

[MissBee]

It is quite common for MM to feel it is their duty to work on the marriage, generally to no avail since they are still in love with the OW. But they need to find that out themselves.

 

Are you saying that most MM having affairs, do not work on their marriage because they are inlove with the OW, but they try, the marriage fails and then they go back to the OW for good?

[MissBee]

Elsa, did you not see he was physically aggressive towards her? Did you not read her posts? Stop pushing your own agenda when its not in the best interests of the poster.

 

CC - as others have said you do need to get out, he isnt treating you well. But you do NOT have to tell his wife. They are doing whatever they are doing in their marriage, taking a break going to MC, whatever. Its not your marriage its theirs. When you thought you wanted him you didnt feel the need to tell her did you? Its not your place to tell her now. Your motives would not be "clean".

 

Agreed.

 

I find it quite bizarre that in light of everything and CC's apparent unhappiness with this man and situation that elsa is insistent that the MM somehow loves her and CC should continue this situation....elsa are you secretly CC's MM????

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by elsa

It is quite common for MM to feel it is their duty to work on the marriage, generally to no avail since they are still in love with the OW. But they need to find that out themselves.

 

I think many MM get caught up in the crush/lust (easily taken as in love) and in an affair dynamic the feelings are more intense since the A is taboo and is based on sneaking around, lying and stolen moments.. Sure it could feel like 'in love' fluttery feelings, but what is it based on?? Happy fun filled moments, an escape from reality. Sex and lust. They "think" they are IN LOVE, but when a D-day happens they compare the feelings felt with the OW to the long lasting love and care with their wives. Sure, right off the bat the feelings with the OW may be felt more intensely and he's detached from his wife, more attached to the OW, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife. Far from it. Many MM go back home because it's a package deal, not just IN LOVE/ LUST, it's family, a life built and more. He's stupid enough to put himself in a position where he may have to chose, 9/10 he's going to pick what he knows and what he's comfortable with.. That isn't SETTLING, though I'm sure you and others will disgree with me.

 

A marriage isn't just about fun and sex, it's everything else good, bad and the ugly. Cleaning up shi.t, and holding your spouses head over the can while the puke. They see eachother at their worst and still the love is there. Maybe not heart pounding, I want to f.cuk you NOW but it IS love and obviously that intensity was there at the beginning but like in every relationshp things even out and have ebbs and flows.

 

Encouraging her to stay and the OW, chase after this MM is just, well, stupid. *I"m not calling you stupid, just the suggestion that this MM loves her more than his wife.* IF That was the case, he'd be divorcing NOW. He isn't.

[chalkfarm]

CC1-

 

I've been following your saga and progress but haven't replied to you since the beginning. I think (from this new thread) you are starting to "get it" and are arriving at a place where you put more value on yourself than your mm. I hope that is true.

 

I certainly don't think telling his wife is the answer and only makes you out to be hurtful and vengeful (because you didn't get your way) and I think it's doubtful you would get any result you would desire, and the W would be further destroyed.

 

I believe NC is the way for you to go. Do it, stick to it, take your power back. Let him deal with his marriage with zero involvement from you. Who knows, without you to run to (because it's easy and available) he might just decide his marriage is over. Or......He may actually, man up, do the work and make his m work. In the process of NC you might decide he's not for you and move on yourself, to someone who can give you all the time and love you want and deserve.

 

If you love him as you profess, let him go. Yes, you will hurt (I'm there now) but dear CC1, you will get better, wake up stronger every day, feel better about yourself because YOU made the decision to take your life back, on your terms.

 

I really wish you well.

 

I agree.

 

It takes a little longer for some to get up the courage.

 

Some day in the future, you will look back and feel pride in your decision to go NC.

 

Several years ago, I had a yucky BF and when I just couldn't take his fooling-around-and-coming-back and fooling-around-and-coming-back I told him "no more". I quietly shut the door on him (literally and figuratively!). I cried and cried and I got better.

 

I look back and think how proud I am of myself for simply saying "no". Admittedly, it took me time to gather the courage to bet on myself but it has paid off!

 

Gather your skirts about you and "screw your courage to the sticking place". You will survive and you will hold your head high!

[Silly_Girl]

Are you saying that most MM having affairs, do not work on their marriage because they are inlove with the OW, but they try, the marriage fails and then they go back to the OW for good?

 

Conscience tells them they OUGHT to be able to figure out a future with their wife. Their feelings tell a different story. In my view they need to be left to get on with the marriage to see the stark reality. The outcome could go either way.

[Silly_Girl]

You can tell his wife. Ain't nothing more guaranteed to make her dig her heels in. Even if she is sickened by him you can bet she isn't going to pack him a hot lunch and send him over to you.

 

So true!!! And it's possible she'll keep trying to get him back for a very long time. Some people don't want to be seen to 'lose', or want to be the one to make a decision, have the choice. This stuff is so emotive it brings out bizarre reactions.

[Silly_Girl]

Our experiences are certainly different. Better that CC knows all the possibilities.

[Silly_Girl]

So why tell her in a manner that precludes any other possibility?

 

I have no idea why you have become so antagonist and negative towards BS/FOW/ROW. Your MM did the right thing for and by you, and so many are so happy for you - BS/FOW/ROW included, but you seem more unable than ever before to hold a balanced view.

 

Do you honestly think your current attitude gives anyone a positive image of an OW? Do you really want to demonstrate that being an OW makes you this way? Not just to BS, but other OW too.

 

Oh no! I knew it was catching but I didn't think it would reach you, Turnstone.

 

You see, I absolutely was NOT precluding any other possibility. You are also reading my posts with the OW board mindset bias setting turned to High.

 

I used words like:

 

it's possible

not 'probable/definite'

 

and

 

Some people

not 'ALL people'

 

and

 

Our experiences are certainly different. Better that CC knows all the possibilities.

not 'you're lying, that's not what happens, I know what REALLY happens and it's the only outcome'.

 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I couldn't have been much further from 'precluding all other possibilities' if I'd tried. Which I wasn't.

Edited June 30, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[Silly_Girl]

You can tell his wife. Ain't nothing more guaranteed to make her dig her heels in. Even if she is sickened by him you can bet she isn't going to pack him a hot lunch and send him over to you.

 

So true!!!

 

.............................................

 

So Turnstone, by agreeing that she ISN'T going to pack him a hot lunch and send him over, I am the following:

 

1) Telling her...

in a manner that precludes any other possibility?

 

2)

antagonist and negative

 

3)

more unable than ever before to hold a balanced view

 

My personal opinion is that you saw more than was there. But hey! It happens. Bygones.

[NoIDidn't]

Conscience tells them they OUGHT to be able to figure out a future with their wife. Their feelings tell a different story. In my view they need to be left to get on with the marriage to see the stark reality. The outcome could go either way.

 

Tell me more about this "stark" reality the married man is supposed to see in his marriage without the OW.

 

What an interesting choice of words and with the clear leaning to the M being on the losing end.