Another emotional affair?

[Lovelybird]

IMO, tell your husband that you feel distant further from him whenever he pulls this kind of **** on you. AND, start to dress up and go out making friends. when your husband tells you about his female friends, and you tell him about your male friends, see how your husband feels about that!

 

If he knows that no matter what he does, you are there, how can he want to change his **** ways?

[scaredandalone1223]

Hi Jennifer

I have been following your thread but this is my first time posting.

I do believe men and women can be platonic friends but only when the friend is a friend to the couple.*

 

I do have one male, previous co-worker, friend who my husband is not friends with. When we worked together and had lunch there were a few things I always did.* A) I would call and let my husband know my friend wanted to go to lunch was that ok?* Now he never said no and I wasn't really looking for permission but it made my husband a part of it B) I always paid my own way. C) we never dined by ourselves on a regular basis.* I should mention my friend is gay...although I didn't know it at the beginning.

 

Men really do see relationships differently than women though.* During our separation last year my husband developed a friendship w/ a female I didn't know.* When he moved back in and we agreed to reconcile I let him know I didn't like this friendship.* We discussed all friends being mutual friends so we decided I would send her a fb request and get to know her.* As soon as I sent it she made it known to my husband it really upset her, she wouldn't do it, etc.* Her response wasn't what we expected so I starting digging around online.* What I found was her blog explaining her 'bleeding heart' over my husband. The thing is my husband had no idea of how she felt until I showed him the blog he was shocked.* I don't say that because he said he was shocked I say that because I watched his eyes as he read it.* He then cut off all contact with her.* He told her that we were reconciling and any friendship must be mutual. I later read the texts and emails and my husband was very clear on how he was just looking for a friend and there was no flirting on his part yet she clearly still took everything the wrong way.

 

Your husband needs to understand that part.* Even if he only thinks of her as a friend who happens to show him a little extra attention he has no way of knowing what she is thinking!* Does he have sisters or are there any other females in his life that you are both close to?* You may try explaining to him how the female psyche works about emotional bonds and have him ask them about it.* Also, ask him how he thinks relationships start?* Find some articles on starting a relationship, taking friendship to the next level, things like that and have him read them.* Not just things about emotional affairs but building relationships in general.* Maybe this will help him see that the behavior between he and his female friend is the same type of behavior people have when starting a new relationship.

 

Men like to think of themselves as not being emotionally driven beings. However, in most instances they are very much as emotionally venerable as women, many times actually more.* The problem is they don't always realize how deeply the are emotionally invested until they are in really, really deep! This is why I think they have a hard time acknowledging such things as emotional affairs exist and an even harder time admitting that they can have, or are actually having, one.

 

I know many people have said there is no need to meet her but I think you should.* I say have your husband invite her and her boyfriend on a double date.* You can say things at dinner to find out how much her boyfriend knows about the friendship and how O.K. he is with everything. Lay the groundwork ahead of time if she doesn't want to meet or she doesn't want her boyfriend there then her feelings and his feelings may not be on the same page.

 

 

Please excuse any* in my reply. I use my phone and ls has a serious typing lag so I type elsewhere and paste here. I haven't figured out what causes the marks to show up and when I go to edit here they don't show up.

[AnnDLui]

Based on personal experiences, I can probably guess that this guy will never have any real interest in having sex with this girl, but he definitely enjoys the attention. In fact the attention he's getting from her is probably driving his testosterone level, hence the renewed passion for you. And yes, his changing social behavior (ie. posting about parties on fb) is most likely a direct result of trying to impress her. So I guess this "relationship" has positive and negative implications for your marriage, but again based on personal experiences I would say his heart is there for you but his brain is focused on her.

you really say true thing. I experience is also same as you ..

Edited August 26, 2011 by AnnDLui

[Yingchun5207]

I apologized, and told him lately I have been analyzing things more closely. That his 'friendship' has made me feel insecure about myself, our marriage and that I can't help now but to notice things that feel off. He said I could help it, and that this was ALL due to my insecurity and that he has done nothing inappropriate and that instead of taking it out on him that I need to get ahold of my feelings and insecurity.

 

I shook my head no at him, and told him that while this is making me feel insecure and worried, this is NOT the main issue. This is a result of what is happening, not vice versa.

 

 

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[SummerLady]

About six years ago when my husband was a college student he had what I felt was an emotional affair with a classmate. It started out with them doing a paper together. At first I thought nothing of it but saw some of their conversations and they seemed a bit flirty. I put it out of my mind, until they went out for drinks a couple of times (to work on their paper), started having lunches, texting... red flags started going off for me that this was becoming too close for comfort. He talked about her all of the time as well, telling me how nice and funny she was.

 

It almost ended our marriage, because when I put the ultimatum to him that he either stopped contacting her outside of class or I would leave he flipped out.

 

We've had many conversations over the years about what happened and I thought he was clear on my position when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex. Apparently not.

 

He began working last February after years of being unemployed (to finish school.) Starting about a month ago he began telling me about this woman he works with. She's intelligent, funny and they get along. Great.. nothing about this worries me. Starting about a couple of weeks ago I noticed they were texting each other and going out to lunch almost on a daily basis. I confronted him about this and he said there is absolutely nothing to worry about, she has a boyfriend (though she's been divorced twice) and they just get along so well because she has a similar sense of humor and is an ally in the office.

 

Last week he bought me flowers (he's been buying them for me every week all of a sudden, not normal for him) and mentioned she was with him when he was buying them. They were walking around a farmers market and having lunch. Okay, he's buying flowers for me in front of her - clearly this is a good sign that he is happy with me and she knows it.

 

A week ago they became facebook friends. They've been posting on each others walls everyday. She posted a picture of him holding the flowers he purchased and joked he must be in the dog house (he was sticking out his lower lip in the pic as well.) Also, they've been doing office pranks on each other all week and posting about these.

 

She also told him how mad she was someone had tagged her in some facebook pics. I looked at these pics and she's bending over, and wearing a halter top that shows her midriff. They were sexy pics, and she's showing him these.

 

I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. I don't have it in me to fight this time. I also don't want to confront him too much because at this point he is telling me most of this stuff and I know the moment I do confront him that will stop. Texts will be erased, etc. And since they work together and interact there I will never know.

 

I'm so angry and bottling this up inside. What would you do in my shoes?

 

Wow, has your husband heard of a thing called boundaries? Seems like he doesnt get the whole married thing. This behavior is completely inappropriate. I don't like the fact that you don't trust him and he gives you a reason not too, so its not surprising. I am sorry you are going through this. I would sit down and have a hear to heart about this. If he does not see your point of view or does not curtail this behavior asap you will have a hard time. Sit down and talk and find out if this behavior is going to continue so you can make a educated decision on what you need to do. Good Luck.

[2sure]

His behavior and demeanor reflect that he is A-Ok with what he is doing regardless of your feelings about it. He sees clearly what he feels, but has no empathy for your feelings. He feels entitled to the attention and craves it. The woman he is currently involved with could be anyone.

[Jennifer26]

Another update -

 

Last week my H finally caved and admitted to his coworker why he wasn't going to lunches with her anymore. He told her it had become an issue in our marriage. Prior to last week he had just been avoiding her, but I guess she was pretty insistent he come to lunch with her and her girlfriend last week.

 

She then tried to give him relationship advice, and told him that he is not giving me enough affection. She also mentioned how she divorced her last husband because she likes being "independent" and can't live having someone telling her what to do.

 

I don't think my husband gave me all of the details, I think he also watered down what he did share with me. My husband said he became irritated with her because she wouldn't just accept he couldn't go and she was being pushy, he also said he didn't care to hear relationship advice from a twice divorced 29-year-old who believes she's an expert because she once took a relationship course at college. He said that we've managed to make our marriage work for almost a decade now, and he considers himself happy and in love with me and that he doesn't need advice from her.

 

I told him I was surprised to hear he'd be upset by her response (basically that I am insecure and dominating) and rather would think he'd feel validated since he thinks the same thing. He said that is not the case, that he just didn't like feeling like he was the bad guy - but that he gets now that this is something I believe in and is a separate issue. He also thinks that maybe she was after more than friendship based on how she responded.

 

Part of me wondered if he was blowing smoke up my you know what. Placating me. But my husband is not a dumb man, and he knows by him telling me she said I was insecure and controlling cuts off any chance we go and hang out together. He also wouldn't have said I may have been right about her motives, because he knows now he cannot be her friend under any circumstances now.

 

So I believe his response was real and I feel relieved that he told her what was up, didn't buy into her bashing of me, and in the end agrees with me that things may have not been as innocent as he thought.

[keepsmilin74]

I don't think my husband gave me all of the details, I think he also watered down what he did share with me.

 

Yes, that would be my first reaction. This is too good to be true and for him to turn around so quickly when he's been in denial so long.

 

So I believe his response was real and I feel relieved that he told her what was up, didn't buy into her bashing of me, and in the end agrees with me that things may have not been as innocent as he thought.

 

Good to hear, keep up the positive reinforcement!