attention from global rock star months before my wedding!!

[golightly]

Help!!

 

I'm engaged to be married. My fiance is quiet and shy and I'm very confident and outgoing. I've always ensured that I'm not over bearing, always putting him first and making sure his needs are met, as he is so non-vocal I feel he could easily get overlooked. He can be quite insecure, I'm much more experienced than he is and often get chatted up etc.. because of this I am always very careful, that he doesnt get upset.

 

I think the absolute world of him and would never do a thing to hurt him.

 

I recently started work backstage at concerts. Since I've been in this relationship I have hardly done a thing on my own, so it was nice to be independent again. I met a world class musician and we hit it off instantly. Although I wasn't attracted to him we spent a lot of time together and agreed to keep in contact after the show. There was a definite chemistry there. I told my partner about it, and he seemed cool.. but I'm not sure if he is jealous. This other guy has been texting me every day since, my fiance has been encouraging me to reply saying it might be a good opportunity. I'm a musician myself and with this guys contacts it could be a really good chance for me to make it.

 

Although nothing dodgey has happened, this guy is texting me several times a day despite being on a global tour. He's texted me minutes after leaving the stage and on his private plane. I'm starting to feel a bit worried.. I am really flattered by his attention and he makes me feel really special. Why the hell is a guy like that interested in a girl like me? He's asked me to send him some of my music.. which I have just done.. he hasn't insinuated anything dodgey.. he sometimes says 'hey gorgeous' in texts or calls me sweetheart.. but so do many of my mates...

 

The thing is.. I've cheated a lot in the past and I barely trust myself. I've found myself waiting for these texts and getting flutters of excitement each time the phone goes off. I've been googling him and watching hsi videos etc. According to wiki he has a long-term girlfriend but he hasn't mentioned her. I know in my heart that I am just flattered because he is so well-known. If he was just an ordinary guy I would probably freak out about how much he texts me.

 

I haven;t told him that I'm in a relationship, let alone engaged. I'm scared he'll lose interest and then won't help me push my music. I would never do anything sexual with someone just to get a head musically, but I really can see this guy could be a good contact.

 

I'm just so confused!!! I'm feeling really guilty. My life seems so trivial now.. I've been desperate to go to Paris for months and months but we can't afford it.. this guy went the other night on a private plane with some of the worlds top musicians.. drinking champagne!!

 

I feel bad, because I know full well that money and lifestyle arent everything..but my own life just seems to tedious and dull...

 

This guy is a lot older than me.

 

Should I just cut all ties with the other guy. So far I havent done anything wrong and I've told my fiance that we are texting each other .. so why do I feel so so guilty???

 

Help!!

 

xxx

[Woggle]

Break up with your fiance because it is only a matter of time.

[golightly]

Do you really think so??

 

I dont know if im just dazzled by the high life.. I'm sure in time this other guy would seem trivial too.

 

I've been really ill the last few years and my fiance has really looked after me. I cant juts up and leave when I'm well again.

 

I dont want to leave him.

 

I really do love him.

 

Thanks for your response

[denise_xo]

Break up with your fiance because it is only a matter of time.

 

I agree with Woggle.

[golightly]

But no relationship can be exciting all the time... I think I'm just flattered cus this guy is so famous and he's interested in me... I wish I was bigger than that though.. I guess Im only human

[Woggle]

Either stop flirting with this other guy or break up with him. If it is a tough decision for you then it is only fair to break up with your fiance.

[quankanne]

it's only natural that your head is turned when you get attention from someone you like/admire/think highly of, but honestly? I don't think you register on this dude's radar except as some chick he knows and nothing more. And if he's got a long-time girlfriend that he doesn't talk about? His intentions aren't pure, IMO, and the nature of his work probably gives him a chance to dally whenever he feels like it, enticing you with words he knows you'd like to hear (i.e., interest in your music). Not maligning him – or belittling you – just throwing out possibilities why someone would take an interest in their crew member when they've already got someone waiting at home.

 

take his attention with a huge grain of salt – you've got a pot of gold waiting at home that's a sure thing even IF he seems staid or boring in comparison. This rock star doesn't know you, hasn't been in the trenches with you, isn't loyal to you ... your fiancé is.

 

just my two pesos

[sunshinegirl]

The thing is.. I've cheated a lot in the past and I barely trust myself.

 

This is the most troubling part of your post. I can imagine the most solidly loyal of people being a bit flattered by this kind of attention, and perhaps momentarily daydreaming about what it would be like to fly around in a private jet. But they would come back to earth quickly, draw clear boundaries to protect their relationship, and curtail the contact as necessary.

 

The difference between them and you? You have a track record of straying. Which means your judgment is "off" at some level... which means you probably don't see this for the dangerous game that it is... which means that in the name of "furthering your music career" you will continue the contact and let this guy think you're available/interested and perhaps even willing-to-fool-around-with-him. I mean, if that's what it takes to get ahead, right?

 

This is a dangerous situation for you to continue. Please don't think that telling your fiance about the contact will inoculate you against cheating. If you do not enforce clear boundaries, what might end up happening is that you cheat right under your fiance's nose. Think how horrible that would be for him.

 

Please use your feelings of guilt to recognize that this is not the way to advance your career, nor will it do anything to strengthen your relationship with your fiance.

Edited June 30, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[golightly]

Thanks everyone.. your responses are really helpful...

 

In response to Woggle.. that's the thing.. I haven't been flirting.. purely responding to his questions and comments in a very platonic way. Because we havent actually crossed any boundaries there is nothing to break off... it's just the amount of contact he has with me that concerns me. He's texted me several times a day since we met. Always texting me goodnight.. texting me within minutes of leaving the stage and telling me how he wishes I was in Paris with him.

 

Sunshine girl - You are completely right. It's my track record that worries me.. this is how infedelity starts often. At least I am seeing the potential danger signs before anything has happened, so I can nip it in the bud. But if he is being purely innocent then why break off contact?? Maybe I should mention I have a fiance and a child, if he does a runner then in proves he doesnt see me as a person but as a conquest.

I would never fool around with this guy to further my music career though, if I haven't got what it takes with talent alone then it's not worth it. I just think he might be a good contact. My other half is a musician too, so this guy could actually help us both out. It's not what you know but who you know right?? I really respect him as a musician and would really value his opinion on my music.

 

Quankanne - What you said really resonated.. especially about what the two of us have been through together. The thing is.. I'm as baffled as you as to why this guy would be interested in me.. I'm just an ordinary girl. I am twenty years younger than he is, and his current girlfriend is similar to his own age. The thing is.. if he was after sex then surely he would have made a move that night. I'm a masseuse. We were alone in a room together for an hour and he was only in his underwear.. if he wanted to take things further then surely that would have been his moment. There wasn;t even a hint of sexual interest. He kept hugging me, but that felt very platonic. I'm just perplexed as to why is he texting me quite so much. Maybe he's lonely.. everyone else back stage was treating him like some inaccessable god.. but I saw him as a person.. he kept saying how he felt like he'd known me for years and what a connection we had. Which I would agree with.. maybe he is just a genuinely nice person.

 

 

I was at a band mate's house today and I told her about meeting him. I didnt say I felt guilty but I said he was texting a lot, she said that this concerned her but she thinks its because he's lonely.. she agreed with me that he would have made a move that night.. he must be used to getting his own way with women right??

She said she hated the idea of being that famous, we are doing some major festivals this year but at least we have homes and families that love us and roots. For him, he is constantly on the go and hasn't got a chance to settle down..

 

I think that I'm most concerned because I have cheated before and I know this is how things start.. and other people can make your relationship or current partner look unsatisfactory. But I don;t even know this guy. My other half has a gig in London this weekend and he asked me to go, but it also one of my best mate's girlfriend's birthday so I was going to go out with them instead and spend the weekend apart. Because of all this I feel its important to be with my other half..

 

I asked my fiance if he thought I should be concerned about the amount this guy has been texting me and he said only if says things that upset or offend me. I said he didnt and he suggested that he is a genuinely nice guy. I asked him if he was upset or threatened by the texts and he said no.

 

I guess as long as I keep things platonic and clean, there is no reason for me to keep in touch with this guy. It just worries me how freuently he texts.. if my best mates had gone to Paris for a few days they wouldn't text me several times a day... it's just a bit odd..

 

Thanks for all your help

 

x

[tigressA]

If you know that this is how infidelity starts, then why are you still bothering to keep in contact?? Why would you keep defending his actions as platonic when you must know or at least suspect they're not, as you've said you know this is how infidelity starts?? Why would you knowingly put yourself in a tempting situation when you have a history of cheating, and you are engaged to be married?? You should have cut off contact with him from the very beginning, and if you don't now then you definitely should not be getting married to anyone.

[quankanne]

I asked my fiance if he thought I should be concerned about the amount this guy has been texting me and he said only if says things that upset or offend me. I said he didnt and he suggested that he is a genuinely nice guy. I asked him if he was upset or threatened by the texts and he said no. I'm very proud of you for bringing it up with your honey – that shows to me that you respect and love and trust him more deeply than you realize yourself, and that deep down, you know you're not going to do anything to destroy your relationship with him!

 

something your girlfriend said ("at least we have homes and families that love us and roots ... but ... he is constantly on the go and hasn't got a chance to settle down") makes a certain sense. Maybe this guy sees you as a symbol of a life he hasn't had up to this point, and that somehow he becomes "connected" to that through his texts to you? I can see how it would appeal so someone who lives a different kind of lifestyle ... think back to when you were in school and you had a friends who'd always go to one person's house because their parents made it such a welcoming place. Maybe your personality is a "welcoming place" for people who need it most, so they gravitate toward you?

Edited June 30, 2011 by quankanne

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[golightly]

Tigress - Although I know this is how infidelity starts..I also know that I have done nothing wrong and my intentions are completely honourable. I like the guy, really respect him as a musician and hope he can help me with my music career. I'm more concerned that his constant texting me is a sign of something more. When he asked for my number and said to keep in touch and that he wanted to hear my material, I thought he was just being polite and didn't expect to hear from him again. I was surprised that he texted so freuently. I didn't give him mu number becuase I wanted anything romantic to happen, i gave it him because I wanted him to hear my music and it seemed more of a professional proposal. Initially he asked if I had a business card. he loved my massage treatment and initially i thought he wanted my card so he could get in touch if he wanted more treatemnt next time he was in the area. I'm not out to cheat. I am aware though that I have often found it hard to keep boundaries with friends in the past and have slept with people because I admired them or liked them not because I was necessarily sexually attracted to them. This is something I'm conquering and I have managed to maintain many new friendships over the last few years without any hint of sexuality being involved. I think if anything I'm more concerned that his intentions arent too honourable. I'd love it that he was just a lovely guy who had an interest in my music and who I hit it off with. We'll have to see I guess...

 

 

Quankanne - Thank you so much, you are very lovely! I'm concerned that even though my fiance said he wasn't jealous or threatened that he might be. he has very low self-esteem and doesnt think he's worthy of me (in his words!). He didnt have much luck at all with women before me and because of this he thinks he's unattractive. He isnt at all, he just doesnt see what he is. I know he's scared of losing me and I also know he was worried about me going to work at this gig as it was around high profile people. I doubt he'd admit to feeling jealous as he would think that was an unattractive quality and he'd not want me to see it.

What you said about my personality being a welcoming place made alot of sense. I do find it easy to get on with people and people often feel really close to me really quickly, unfortunately a lot of people have misread this chemistry as something sexual rather than a platonic connection. In the past I've been quite offended when people I wanted to be mates with have seen something more there. It's like I'm only worthy as a sexual being and not as a person.

 

I was talking to other mates tonight and they said that he saying 'I wish you were here in Paris with me' was dodgey as it's the city of love... but I did tell him that I had been itching to go to Paris recently after reading a novel set out there.

 

I'm definately going to make some real effort to get some quality time with my fiance. It's quite tough because I rarely rarely go out without him, so to go out and meet someone who he has never met feels a bit odd, but it is perfectly healthy and natural. Maybe all this is a sign that I need some more independence.

 

I almost want my fiance to be bothered by it.. I feel like saying.. this world class rock star has been texting your fiance are you not a little teeny bit jealous?? But then I feel awful, because wanted your other half to feel jealous is horrible!! I've been in really possessive relationships before and it isnt nice.

 

If I'm completely honest I think a part of me also wants the rock guy to be interested romantically, because that would make me feel desiarble. I know thats awful, but Im being honest and I think most humans would feel the same. I almost want him to admit to having feelings for me, even though I will turn him down becuase of my fiance. Though another part of me loves the idea that we can just be mates.

 

Yaaarggg!!! I'm rambling...

 

I think a part of it is, taht when you are in a relationship for some time you dont get the attention from other people. As I said before I rarely rarely go out without my fiance so everyone always sees me as a couple. I used to get a lot of attention from men and it made me feel really attractive. I guess i dont feel as attractive as I once was.. but only becuase I'm in a steady relationship. Again, Im aware how stupid that sounds and how stupid Im being...but I am being honest... Everyone likes to be desired. My fiance often tells me how gorgeous I am but we dont seem to sleep together as much as we did, or as much as I'm used to. He is often tired and he very rarely makes the first move. Mostly through shyness I believe. He is way less sexual than my previosu partners but its not something I can speak to him about, as it would make him feel inadequate. But I do think he has quite a low sex drive for a guy.. We've been together 2 and a half years and been living together for a year and a bit.. I've never been in a relationship where this side of things faded before..

 

But then I dont know if Im over thinking things.. I feel like something isnt right for me to even be considering if the rock guy is interested in me or not. So maybe I am delving too hard for answeres...

 

x

[quankanne]

WHOA, KIDDO!!! I get the feeling that you're battling conflicting feelings about your honey, and then this situation unfolds with someone people admire and who you admire, too ... and you're maybe coming up with an equation that seems to make sense to you when it's very possible that it's unrelated.

 

married old lady here, so I know what you're talking about when your partner isn't providing affection/attention the way you'd hope, so then it becomes easy to read a lot more into an unconnected relationship in a deeper way. Take a deep breath and just enjoy the casual friendship this other guy seems to sense with you, and tell yourself it's *only* that, never anything more. Otherwise, you end up transferring affections to someone who you really don't want, but is a handy object for your affection because your S.O. is being a chowder head. Got the t-shirt and everything on that topic, LOL

 

meanwhile, focus on what you have with him, and ask yourself what attracted you to him in the first place. Grab a copy of the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to figure out how you "speak" your love to each other, and how you can make it a compatible part of your relationship with your honey. They're prone to disappoint us, but only because they won't live up to those often-silly expectations we have of them (yes, even after 19 years of wedded bliss, it still happens ...)

[quankanne]

Yaaarggg!!! :confused::laugh::laugh:

[heartshaped]

I think you aren't totally content in your relationship with your fiance.

 

I've been that woman that wanted attention and affection and had trouble establishing boundaries with male friends. I thought it was some issue I had, but I realized afterwards that I just wasn't happy in that relationship. I loved him, but something was missing for me and as long as it was missing I wanted to find that missing piece. I've been with my current boyfriend for two years now and haven't once felt like that at all.

 

Are you sure you might not be settling? Are you sure you are mature enough for this type of commitment?

[Afishwithabike]

Am I the only one wondering who this global rock star is?

[fiatflux]

Am I the only one wondering who this global rock star is?

 

No. I've already speculated Bryan Adams but he doesn't seem to quite fit.

[D-Lish]

Am I the only one wondering who this global rock star is?

 

A figment of the imagination.

[fiatflux]

A figment of the imagination.

 

aw, c'mon...don't spoil our fun!

[golightly]

Quankanne - You speak so so much sense! Thank you. I personally think my expectations are too high.. I was thinking about this.. and about me saying how we dont sleep together as much as I'd like.. this weewk we've slept together three times, which isnt a whole lot..but then some people dont even have that. And when we do nsleep together its always intersting and passionate and earth moving.. I used to be with a guy who made love 5 times a day!! So three times a week seems like nothing... and to be fair, on most weeks it's more. Having thought about it, the reason we dont make love on certain nights is purely because he is late home after a gig or rehearsal and we are both completely knackered..

 

Heartshaped - You may be right about being mature enough. Im 28, but that means nothing! Its a huge deal. The thing is I've been in relationships that didnt feel right before and have jumped straight into bed with other people. I havent cheated or been tempted to.. so I feel it really is different. Its just tough having a taste of that kind of lifestyle when things arent so exciting back home...

 

Everyone else - I cant tell you! We already know he has a girlfriend, I dont want to bruise his reputation with what is purely speculation at the minute. Still dont know what his intentions are.

 

Ps - it's not Bryan Adams!! ;-) It's a British artist..

 

Update - I had a great chat with my fiance last night and he admitted that yes he has been feeling really threateneed by the texts etc.. especially as this guy is doing his absolute dream job. He feels bad that he cant just take me to Paris or do spontaneuos things with me due to lack of funds. The other guy texted last night saying he would love to come and see me as soon as he is back off tour. Which made me feel uneasy... it doesnt seem merely friendly to me.. I decided to lay the cards down this morning and texted back that it would be great to see him and that my fiance wants to meet him too. Ironically I can't find my phone since so dont know if he has responded or not! It has literally disapeared, I've searched everywhere. Starting to wonder if my fiance has taken it!!! He's gone off to London.

I realised that if this guy's intentions are purely sexual then I cant value his opinion on my music. He'll end up just saying the nicest things to please me.. So it seemed wisest to admit to being in a relationship. As horrible as it sounds part of me didnt want to do that, because I thought I'd lose the chance of him helping me musically. But I cant lead him on just because I want to abuse his power!!

 

if anything this is making me realise how much I want to make it musically. It is also making me relaise that me and my fiance need more time together, fun times. Last night we had a wrestling match!! It was so funny.. we dresseed up in sexy costumes (mostly loincloths) and wrestled on the bed.. I won every time!! (Dont get me wrong.. I'm not a brute.. I'm a size 8-10 and weight much less than he does.. I'm just vicious!!;-) ) More times like this are needed I think... I wanted to go to London with him but I've got this major gig coming up at the weekend and I have to work for that..

 

Thank you all so much for listening x

[quankanne]

I decided to lay the cards down this morning and texted back that it would be great to see him and that my fiance wants to meet him too. smart move, kiddo – it lets him know that while you're happy to visit with him, you have a life ... and there are boundaries. Hopefully, he's a decent guy and will respect that.

 

BTW, if this happens to be Sting, I'm gonna have to hunt you down and snatch you bald. He's MINE!!!!! :p:p:p:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Afishwithabike]

 

Ps - it's not Bryan Adams!! ;-) It's a British artist..

 

 

Please tell me it's not Bono!

[denise_xo]

Please tell me it's not Bono!

 

Oy, he's Irish!

[Ross MwcFan]

I know what you mean OP, I get attention from global rockstars all the time.

 

Sigh, it's very hard being me.