Do most men really feel this way about marriage & commtiment?

[stace79]

I am trying to work things out with my ex. We have been seeing each other, not exclusively, since April 1.

 

He told me today that he is leaning toward a commitment again, but that he feels like he could be happy dating two or three women the rest of his life; however he loves me, and so his feeling of loving me makes it "worthwhile" to forego dating around. If marriage and commitment are what I need, he would do that for me because he loves me more than he "likes" anyone else, and he would make those "sacrifices" so that he could be with me. He also said he thinks many men feel the same way about marriage and commitment.

 

1. How do you feel about this statement? Please tell me if you're a male or female for context.

2. Do most men really feel this way?

[Woggle]

No most men do feel that way. I admit men might be more reluctant to actually commit but once we make that step we tend to hold true to it.

[stace79]

So you don't think this is a bad sign? I guess maybe I am living in a fairy tale after all ( I thought I was pretty realistic about love compared to most women) but I thought the man I'd marry would actually WANT to marry me and be excited about it. Maybe not the wedding itself but the spending his life with me part.

[vsmini]

IIf marriage and commitment are what I need, he would do that for me because he loves me more than he "likes" anyone else, and he would make those "sacrifices" so that he could be with me. He also said he thinks many men feel the same way about marriage and commitment.

 

I'm 28 - female and though my 29 year old boyfriend isn't around to speak for himself I feel confident that he would be laughing at the jackass words your ex has sputtered out.

 

A. How old are you guys? I think many boys in their twenties that are ridden with existential angst feel this way about commitment but other than that...NO

 

B. I love how he tries to make himself look like some stoic God by saying that he would make that sacrifice and be with you if it's what you wanted. WTF does that mean? That's not how a relationship works. If the two of you got married he'd probably just hang that over your head for the rest of your life, acting like some Dbag who did you some huge favor of marrying you.

 

This guy sounds like an immature jackass. As of now you're just his fallback girl until he can find another or someone he thinks is "better" If this wasn't the case then he would be sure to take up a committed relationship with you. He's just making excuses. Get out and find someone who WANTS to really be with you.....and doesn't treat you like this.

[reboot]

So let him be happy dating 2 or 3 women for the rest of his life. If he's only willing to commit because that's what YOU want, it's going to come back and bite you down the road. If a man wants to commit he will, you won't have to make him.

[stace79]

He is 34 and I'm 32. I've often felt he was a bit immature for his age.

[Woggle]

There is nothing immature about feeling that way but he shouldn't promise marriage. If a man wants to be like George Clooney there is nothing wrong with that but just be honest about it.

[make me believe]

Sure, they feel that way when they don't actually want to commit but they want to say something to get the girl off their back...

 

Seriously, if he wanted to commit to you he would do it. He just would. You CAN find a guy that loves you and wants to spend his life with you and is excited to do so. Believe me, it's an amazing feeling. You should absolutely not settle for less!

[xxoo]

I am trying to work things out with my ex. We have been seeing each other, not exclusively, since April 1.

 

He told me today that he is leaning toward a commitment again, but that he feels like he could be happy dating two or three women the rest of his life; however he loves me, and so his feeling of loving me makes it "worthwhile" to forego dating around. If marriage and commitment are what I need, he would do that for me because he loves me more than he "likes" anyone else, and he would make those "sacrifices" so that he could be with me. He also said he thinks many men feel the same way about marriage and commitment.

 

1. How do you feel about this statement? Please tell me if you're a male or female for context.

2. Do most men really feel this way?

 

I'm female....

 

1. My H always says, "Why would I want another woman?" And what he means by that is that it is challenging enough to meet my needs (sexually, emotionally, and otherwise), and therefore a second woman with needs to meet is NOT appealing!

 

2. I'm sure many men feel as he does. But many others want a committed relationship--or at least want a woman all to himself enough to give all of himself to her. If I were in your shoes, I would look for one of them

[Eve]

I'm female....

 

1. My H always says, "Why would I want another woman?" And what he means by that is that it is challenging enough to meet my needs (sexually, emotionally, and otherwise), and therefore a second woman with needs to meet is NOT appealing!

 

2. I'm sure many men feel as he does. But many others want a committed relationship--or at least want a woman all to himself enough to give all of himself to her. If I were in your shoes, I would look for one of them

 

I can relate to this..

 

Unless people are somewhat kinky, wanting to be married is a state whereby one naturally chooses to ignore the potential to have multiples of others in order to commit to one. It's either there or it isn't.

 

Or he could be being honest and really doesn't know what he wants. Bottom line - I would want him to be clear on where he stands before investing time in him.

 

I would not hound him about it, especially as you are both not 'exclusive'.

 

LOL, the concept of being with someone but still not being with them is just too funny!

 

Really, by now it will be clear what is what, if you really listen OP. Really listen to what he says. If he wants you to convince him about marriage, I say you are in trouble.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[stace79]

Sure, they feel that way when they don't actually want to commit but they want to say something to get the girl off their back...

 

Seriously, if he wanted to commit to you he would do it. He just would. You CAN find a guy that loves you and wants to spend his life with you and is excited to do so. Believe me, it's an amazing feeling. You should absolutely not settle for less!

 

I appreciate this. However, I notice that mostly women are saying that men do not truly believe this. Maybe your guy doesn't actually SAY this to you. My ex has been known to be a bit of an over-sharer when it comes to thoughts and emotions. He says everything he's thinking, when really some thoughts should just be kept internal.

 

How do you know that your bf or whoever doesn't think the same as mine, but he just never verbalizes it to you? Maybe he's thinking the same thing - "Man, this girl is great, and even though I don't really care about getting married, if I want to keep her, I've got to do it."

 

And so instead of telling you that he just proposes and goes along with the show.

[stace79]

I'm female....

 

1. My H always says, "Why would I want another woman?" And what he means by that is that it is challenging enough to meet my needs (sexually, emotionally, and otherwise), and therefore a second woman with needs to meet is NOT appealing!

 

2. I'm sure many men feel as he does. But many others want a committed relationship--or at least want a woman all to himself enough to give all of himself to her. If I were in your shoes, I would look for one of them

 

I probably did not provide enough context. He tells me all the time about the positive things he loves about me and that he cannot envision his life without me in it. He does also joke that one girlfriend is more than enough to keep him busy.

 

He has said many times in the past that he wants a committed partner in life. But, he is my ex and there were numerous reasons that we broke up over the years. We are both trying to determine once and for all if we can love each other completely, flaws and all.

[stace79]

I can relate to this..

 

Unless people are somewhat kinky, wanting to be married is a state whereby one naturally chooses to ignore the potential to have multiples of others in order to commit to one. It's either there or it isn't.

 

Or he could be being honest and really doesn't know what he wants. Bottom line - I would want him to be clear on where he stands before investing time in him.

 

I would not hound him about it, especially as you are both not 'exclusive'.

 

LOL, the concept of being with someone but still not being with them is just too funny!

 

Really, by now it will be clear what is what, if you really listen OP. Really listen to what he says. If he wants you to convince him about marriage, I say you are in trouble.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

 

We have actually been engaged before, so I know he is not averse to marriage. I think he may be gun shy given our issues over the years. It's really too much to go into much depth here, but I think we both are going to have to agree and let go of the past, or just cut the cord and move on.

[musemaj11]

Your boyfriend is a smart man.

 

Unlike most men, he realizes that marriage is a self-inflicted limitation.

[OldOnTheInside]

Yes. Every. Single. One.

 

But seriously, we're all quite different. Some men don't want to commit for whatever reason. Some are very willing for whatever reason.

 

Me personally? I agree with the "one is all I need" idea.

 

On the plus side, your bf is at least being somewhat open with what he is feeling.

[sunshinegirl]

I appreciate this. However, I notice that mostly women are saying that men do not truly believe this. Maybe your guy doesn't actually SAY this to you. My ex has been known to be a bit of an over-sharer when it comes to thoughts and emotions. He says everything he's thinking, when really some thoughts should just be kept internal.

 

How do you know that your bf or whoever doesn't think the same as mine, but he just never verbalizes it to you? Maybe he's thinking the same thing - "Man, this girl is great, and even though I don't really care about getting married, if I want to keep her, I've got to do it."

 

And so instead of telling you that he just proposes and goes along with the show.

 

Hi there. I have two thoughts on your situation and comments above:

 

(1) It sounds like you may be rationalizing your BF's (boneheaded, IMO) comments. In other words: if you can convince yourself that ALL guys think this, even if they don't verbalize it like your over-sharing boyfriend does, then maybe it's okay.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but my husband is a major over-sharer himself, and he has *never* said anything close to what your bf is saying. My H was excited to propose to and marry me and we both affirmatively stepped into this commitment to each other. I can't imagine marrying someone whose only reason for marrying me was to appease me. Which brings me to:

 

(2) This may be splitting hairs, but your bolded comment above does not seem to be what your boyfriend is saying at all. From the way you described it, your BF affirmatively wants to multi-date for the rest of his life, and only for you would he be willing to commit. That is different from "not really caring" about getting married; your BF has an active aversion to being married and to the lifelong commitment to one person that it entails. Add that to what is apparently a rocky history of on-again-off-again dating, and I would say you have a recipe for marital disaster in front of you.

 

I'd strongly suggest you go find someone who is excited about the idea of marrying you, not try to make it work with someone who is, at best, dragging his feet at the idea and at worst, willing to use his great "sacrifice" against you down the road. Who wants that???

[jonathank22]

if he wanted to commit to you he would do it. He just would. You CAN find a guy that loves you and wants to spend his life with you and is excited to do so.

[stace79]

Maybe I did not summarize well, but that really is what he was saying. That he could be just fine unmarried and dating around for his life. But that he loves me, and he knows that I would never be okay with that - that I want to get married and have commitment. And so because he loves me, he would do that as opposed to have a life without me in it.

 

Again though, I guess I am really looking for male perspective here, because regardless of what your boyfriend or husband may tell you, I just don't think women ever TRULY know what is going on inside guys' heads.

[make me believe]

How do you know that your bf or whoever doesn't think the same as mine, but he just never verbalizes it to you? Maybe he's thinking the same thing - "Man, this girl is great, and even though I don't really care about getting married, if I want to keep her, I've got to do it."

 

And so instead of telling you that he just proposes and goes along with the show.

 

I know this because he was the one who brought up getting engaged & married first. He was ALWAYS clear that he wanted to get married someday, and after a few months he became clear that he wanted to get married to ME someday. Honestly, I have never had any doubts about his feelings for me or for getting married to me. We were engaged after a year of dating -- I didn't push him into it, or nag him, or bring it up unless he did. He talked about it frequently and eventually asked me if I wanted to pick out my ring or have him do it. We went and looked at rings, and a few weeks later he proposed. There was no drama, no wondering, just pure mutual excitement about our future together! It was wonderful.

 

And now that we're married, he tells me quite often how happy he is & how he feels like it's enriched his life. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there who do not feel the way your boyfriend does. And I have to agree with sunshinegirl, it seems like you're trying to convince yourself that all guys secretly feel the way your bf does because it makes you feel better about your situation. It's just not true, though.

[stace79]

I know this because he was the one who brought up getting engaged & married first. He was ALWAYS clear that he wanted to get married someday, and after a few months he became clear that he wanted to get married to ME someday. Honestly, I have never had any doubts about his feelings for me or for getting married to me. We were engaged after a year of dating -- I didn't push him into it, or nag him, or bring it up unless he did. He talked about it frequently and eventually asked me if I wanted to pick out my ring or have him do it. We went and looked at rings, and a few weeks later he proposed. There was no drama, no wondering, just pure mutual excitement about our future together! It was wonderful.

 

And now that we're married, he tells me quite often how happy he is & how he feels like it's enriched his life. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there who do not feel the way your boyfriend does. And I have to agree with sunshinegirl, it seems like you're trying to convince yourself that all guys secretly feel the way your bf does because it makes you feel better about your situation. It's just not true, though.

 

Mine did as well. We were engaged for about seven months in 2008, and it was his idea. He'd always asked me what type of rings I liked. He surprised me with the engagement. And I actually ended it. So I think he's justified in wanting to be very certain about things before he ever proposes again.

 

This is not really about ME. This is about his feelings on dating & marriage in general. He is telling me that as an individual, marriage is not a huge deal to him. If the woman he loves didn't care about marriage - only cared that he was committed to her - then he doesn't "need" to get married either.

 

I honestly want to know how other men feel. I don't want to live in a bubble of feminine thinking, because honestly men and women just see many things differently. It'd be stupid and naive to assume that men view things the same way that I do or you do. Maybe SOME do, but not as a rule.

[stace79]

Thanks for that little detail.

 

Of course he's wishy washy.

 

You burned him once already.

 

Badly.

 

He's not about to let you do it twice.

 

It's been off/on by BOTH of our volitions. It just happens that when we were engaged, I was the one to break it off that time. He's broken up with me twice since then, and the last time we got together, I was all set thinking we'd get married.

 

I won't sugarcoat it. Many people could call this a toxic situation in past years. The one reason I'm willing to try once more is because I believe we both had a lot of maturing to do in our own lives and in how we manage conflicts and reach compromises. I think we are both at a place now that we can do that successfully, if we are willing. Neither of us is perfect. But I do see improvements here and there, on both sides.

[stace79]

I think you need to re-read my previous response.

 

Re-read. Still feel the same.

[stace79]

Ha. You are clearly projecting your own issues onto my situation. I made the decision to call of the engagement, but it wasn't purely one-sided. He was unhappy and so was I, due to some severe life stress we both went through.

 

Even when he has broken up with me, he is wishy-washy about it. Tries to date other people but never seriously. Always wants to stay in touch with me. It is hard for me, too. There's no doubt we both love the other. But as we all know, just loving each other isn't enough.

 

We, until this point, have not had the ability to resolve our conflicts successfully. I will admit that we both have had some growing up to do in terms of selfishness and conflict resolution. We have very strong personalities, and so sometimes it has felt as if we both want to "win" instead of doing what is best for our relationship.

 

Both my individual counselor and a couples counselor we have seen says that in order for us to be successful, we have to get on the same team and learn how not to treat each other as adversaries when we face conflict.

 

Anyway the point of this thread was not to analyze my own specific relationship. My whatever-he-is implied that he believes many men aren't just jumping over themselves to get married, but rather they do it to avoid losing the girl they love the most. Just trying to gauge if that's accurate.

 

Addition: I have never cheated in my life, and I believe he has not either. We both share a strong belief that you don't cheat - break up first if you must.

Edited July 1, 2011 by stace79
Addition

[Stung]

I can't speak for all men or even for my husband, of course.

 

I can say that my husband had lived with women before, even had a child with one who then wanted to marry him. He told her that he would always be their child's father (and he is a very involved and wonderful father) but that he didn't think marriage was right for them. She broke up with him for it, and he was sad but moved on. The girlfriend he had before me, also broke up with him: because she asked him to live with her, and he said no, because it didn't feel right.

 

He asked me to live with him, and then he asked me to marry him. He brought it up first, both times. I feel confident that he chose me pretty specifically and he has always said that I'm the perfect woman for him and that he waited for me a long time. We've spoken about the nature of marriage and monogamy many times, both philosophically and romantically, and he's always said he wants a lifelong commitment with me alone, and doesn't want to cheapen it with side dishes. There's no particular percentage for him in lying, by the way, as I am actually more open to the idea of a swinging relationship than he is and have had open relationships in the past. We decided together to keep our relationship exclusive, it wasn't forced on him.

 

I don't delude myself that he's never attracted to anybody else, but that's a different level, I think.

[Woggle]

I don't think that most men want more than one woman but many men are starting to see marriage as playing russian roulette with their lives and they have somewhat of a point. If a man sees any sign before marriage that she is not a good partner many will do whatever they can to not commit.