Do most men really feel this way about marriage & commtiment?

[shadowofman]

This is exactly how I felt at one point. I was willing to forego all other women because I loved one. Unfortunately she wanted me to forego a whole lot of other things as well, while she felt free to do as she pleased.

 

But anyway, I am a man, and I think this is the mentality of many, many, many men.

 

Some men have no problem with this at all, because the marriageable woman may have been the only one that has ever shown interest in him. It's a no brainer in such a case.

[xxoo]

My whatever-he-is implied that he believes many men aren't just jumping over themselves to get married, but rather they do it to avoid losing the girl they love the most. Just trying to gauge if that's accurate.

 

I'd say that's accurate. Most men aren't dreaming of a ring and a wedding, but marry because they want to keep the girl.

 

But in your op you said he'd be happy to date more than one person forever, and considers it a sacrifice to be with only one woman. That isn't the same as preferring not to get married. These are two different issues. A couple can be unmarried but monogamous. A couple can also be married and openly non-monogamous.

 

How does he feel about you dating other men?

[tigressA]

I'd say that's accurate. Most men aren't dreaming of a ring and a wedding, but marry because they want to keep the girl.

 

But in your op you said he'd be happy to date more than one person forever, and considers it a sacrifice to be with only one woman. That isn't the same as preferring not to get married. These are two different issues. A couple can be unmarried but monogamous. A couple can also be married and openly non-monogamous.

 

How does he feel about you dating other men?

 

Agreed. Those are not even close to being the same thing.

 

My BF and I are ambivalent about marriage but he has made perfectly clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me whether or not we get married. He doesn't want anyone else and neither do I. He does not see being committed to me as a sacrifice. He has never said anything about how he could be content to date multiple women for the rest of his life, or that he loves me more than he likes anyone else, or that he cares enough about me to sacrifice being with anyone else. If a guy said those things to me I would run away fast, because it would indicate that I'm merely his current favorite instead of his desired one and only.

[make me believe]

I can't speak for all men or even for my husband, of course.

 

I can say that my husband had lived with women before, even had a child with one who then wanted to marry him. He told her that he would always be their child's father (and he is a very involved and wonderful father) but that he didn't think marriage was right for them. She broke up with him for it, and he was sad but moved on. The girlfriend he had before me, also broke up with him: because she asked him to live with her, and he said no, because it didn't feel right.

 

He asked me to live with him, and then he asked me to marry him. He brought it up first, both times. I feel confident that he chose me pretty specifically and he has always said that I'm the perfect woman for him and that he waited for me a long time. We've spoken about the nature of marriage and monogamy many times, both philosophically and romantically, and he's always said he wants a lifelong commitment with me alone, and doesn't want to cheapen it with side dishes. There's no particular percentage for him in lying, by the way, as I am actually more open to the idea of a swinging relationship than he is and have had open relationships in the past. We decided together to keep our relationship exclusive, it wasn't forced on him.

 

I don't delude myself that he's never attracted to anybody else, but that's a different level, I think.

 

Stung, your husband and mine sound kind of similar. Mine also lived with other partners before me, for 2-3 years at a time, and never wanted to marry them. He was content living together and keeping it at that. He knew he wanted to get married someday, but none of these women were the right ones for him. He refused to settle if it didn't feel 100% right. I think THAT is how most men feel about marriage. When it's right, they know and they are ready & excited to take the next step.

Edited July 2, 2011 by make me believe

[Woggle]

Stung, your husband and mine sound kind of similar. Mine also lived with other partners before me, for 2-3 years at a time, and never wanted to marry them. He was content living together and keeping it at that. He knew he wanted to get married someday, but none of these women were the right ones for him. He refused to settle if it didn't feel 100% right. I think THAT is how most men feel about marriage. When it's right, they know and they are ready & excited to take the next step.

 

This is a good way to approach marriage because when you do finally tie the knot you are a much better spouse.

[Richard Friedman]

Marriage is an incentive for both the man and women to take the foot off the pedal. Obligation is an intimacy killer. Why would he be chomping at the bit to marry you when right now you have a reason to show him your best(and the other way around).

[stace79]

I'd say that's accurate. Most men aren't dreaming of a ring and a wedding, but marry because they want to keep the girl.

 

But in your op you said he'd be happy to date more than one person forever, and considers it a sacrifice to be with only one woman. That isn't the same as preferring not to get married. These are two different issues. A couple can be unmarried but monogamous. A couple can also be married and openly non-monogamous.

 

How does he feel about you dating other men?

 

He does not like it, but given our current status he knows it is within my rights. He is not dating anyone, but he is trying to meet new friends. He has assured me that as long as I am in the picture, he is not actively pursuing any other women.

 

Marriage is an incentive for both the man and women to take the foot off the pedal. Obligation is an intimacy killer. Why would he be chomping at the bit to marry you when right now you have a reason to show him your best(and the other way around).

 

This is a good point. We have had problems in the past, and I think he is (rightfully) afraid that a jump back to couple status would mean returning to the same old problems. He has told me many times he wants more assurances that "this can work" or that we can be happier together with fewer extremes. We had a lot of high/low in our previous years together.

 

We just spent a great weekend together. I think we are both feeling more positive about a potential resolution to this. He shared some information with me over the weekend that was very helpful. It sounds like he is just as frustrated as I am - he loves me very much and wants to be together, but is afraid of past issues. So, as Richard Friedman says, he may be waiting to see if I'm serious about us finding better solutions to our problems. (He has shown some effort in this area, too.)