rafallus Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 More baiting through an attempt to shame someone away from helping ES. Do you have any more parlour tricks up your sleeve? Can you play a flute using one nostril too? How does that help ES? You were hell bent on "only post here, if you want to help ES", and now you stray from your own paradigm, flaming others instead. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How does that help ES? You were hell bent on "only post here, if you want to help ES", and now you stray from your own paradigm, flaming others instead.True and if members hold true to themselves, my post will be flagged for infraction, even though other members have flamed ES far, far worse. It is the nature of the psyche games that replay themselves on LS, where more often than not, harassment and group bullying is validated. And with that, good luck ES. Hope you do decide to take those two weeks off and they help you re-energize. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I'd like to have the last word. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about, instead of all the bickering about who's right and who's wrong, we try to find some common ground. Most people agree that ES's current relationship is unhealthy Most people agree that ES would benefit from therapy Most people agree that LS is feeding ES's insecurities and she would be better to stay away from here for a significant length of time (if not forever!) ES has herself admitted that she is addicted to LS So what's the solution? Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure we're all very concerned about ES and we all have our own way of helping her to address her issues - some use the softly, softly approach, others go in for the kill. The way I see it, every single person who is posting on this thread (including myself) is enabling ES in her current behaviour. While she has this medium to play out her life dramas (I'm sure nobody would deny her life is somewhat dramatic), she will continue to post. Perhaps the best way we can all help her would be to stop responding to her threads? Just an idea. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Bang goes that idea Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Bang goes that idea We could play this all night! Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) ES is a lot like the poster "one goal" but without a penis. They both keep making the same mistakes over and over and keep asking the same questions over and over despite the answers they keep getting over and over. I agree with vsmini, in that I don't think the "nice" posters are helping her. In my case, I find the way she acts to be exasperating. So I've come down really hard on her, and then (believe it or not) I actually feel a little bad about it afterwards. It's really none of my business how ES carries her life of course. I've said my viewpoint. Maybe the thing to do is to just ignore her threads from now on. Edited June 30, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 And whether she's messed up or whether the guy's messed up or whether she can really keep a man or not, I'm seeing that it is besides the point. I keep telling ES to break up because man, she just seems so miserably unhappy. It's really too bad. As long as she is in any relationship, can she stop her cycle of obsessing and not being able to stop? Maybe it's actually biochemical, something beyond her control? Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about, instead of all the bickering about who's right and who's wrong, we try to find some common ground. Most people agree that ES's current relationship is unhealthy Most people agree that ES would benefit from therapy Most people agree that LS is feeding ES's insecurities and she would be better to stay away from here for a significant length of time (if not forever!) ES has herself admitted that she is addicted to LS So what's the solution? Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure we're all very concerned about ES and we all have our own way of helping her to address her issues - some use the softly, softly approach, others go in for the kill. The way I see it, every single person who is posting on this thread (including myself) is enabling ES in her current behaviour. While she has this medium to play out her life dramas (I'm sure nobody would deny her life is somewhat dramatic), she will continue to post. Perhaps the best way we can all help her would be to stop responding to her threads? Just an idea. Eh, assuming you mean her dating life, I disagree. Her life is not dramatic. It's her interpretation of her life that's dramatic. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Eh, assuming you mean her dating life, I disagree. Her life is not dramatic. It's her interpretation of her life that's dramatic. What I meant is, she makes her own life into a drama - therefore her life is dramatic - but that wasn't really the point of my post. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 oaks - You are a sweetheart Aww thanks. I usually hear that from people who don't want to see me again. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Was there a major traumatic incident in your teens, I wonder? That often leads to an arrested development, rather like I sense in you and experienced myself. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) I've taken note of the people who show up on these threads with the intent to bully and throw insults at ES. I find that to be disgusting behavior. With one exception i can think of, they arent respected, long-term members. Art and TBF are right to challenge people on their behavior here, and I'll definitely support their side of the debate. Why some people are compelled to take the low road and make themselves look like morons, I'll never understand. Except that there are so many doing it all the time, it's no surprise. Edited July 1, 2011 by johan Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 I'd like to emphasize a couple of things. The two of you were in an exclusive relationship within 3 weeks of dating. He continued contact with the other girls who he admitted to being interested in, for 2 months UNTIL he was forced to make a choice by you breaking up with him. Had you not broken up with him, he might still be juggling women. Major red flag! Before I go on my 2 week break just want to address this: Yes, this one bothers me the most. I am not sure the extent of contact he had with them. I know that he never took them out as I found this out through a text message his friend has shown me. I am also ashamed to say that when I looked through his e-mail, his e-mail to a friend of his said the same thing: that he often wondered "what if" about those two other girls but is not going to see them as that would be considered cheating. He has them on his Facebook (I know who they are) and they can plainly see his relationship status and tons of pictures of us. (Yes I checked his Facebook too when he forgot to log off from using it on my computer and he has no limitations on who can see his rel status and pictures). If I found out that he took either of them on so much as one date after we became exclusive, I would dump him right away. As it stands, it is a bit iffy now. The other red flag was that he was jealous of you having a girl's night out right after you became exclusive and yet, he had many, many boy's nights out post exclusivity. He then devolved to lying to you while in a boy's night out. This is a MAJOR projection red flag! I dunno, ES. He's definitively concerning. This concerns me less because he had boy's nights when I had work commitments. He always gave preference to seeing me or even taking me on boy's nights. I ended up having a girl's night recently and he didn't cause drama. He sent a few texts but that was it. Yes, he is concerning but I think that I need more solid evidence to dump him. Otherwise, I am worried that I will live with regret for quite a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 I also want to address Kamille's post. Yes, I choose to stay now but my mindset and my level of commitment have changed. Prior, I was 100% in, thinking LTR and possible future husband. Now, I am not 100% in and am thinking STR with an expiry date. It's like I went from trying to address my paranoia and major trust issues to feeling that most of them were justified I texted him just now that I got a google+ invite and he responded "I love you with or without google+ :)" Prior, those words would make my heart skip a beat, now I feel like they are hollow and empty. So, yeah I am going forward but my feelings and expectations have changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) ES, this is a (hypothetical) question for you: Suppose you won the lottery. Something like $3 Million, small enough so that you could easily blow through it and mess it up if you weren't careful, but big enough so that it probably could set you for life if you are smart with it. How would you feel? And you have to take the money in one lump sum, and then decide what to do with it. How would you feel over the coming months? Really. Would you feel content, or would you start devolving into an anxiety spiral because there's no 100% certainty that something bad won't happen to it, and you could end up going without after all: "What do I do with it? What if I put it in the bank and the bank goes under?? What if I put it in stocks and the market crashes?? What if I put it under my mattress and I get robbed? What if I put it in an annuity and the company turns out to be another AIG?? What if the USA defaults on its loans and the dollar loses its value??" And if you did decide to buy investments, would you freak out if the stock you bought ends the day 1% lower than it began? Edited July 1, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) I also want to address Kamille's post. Yes, I choose to stay now but my mindset and my level of commitment have changed. Prior, I was 100% in, thinking LTR and possible future husband. Now, I am not 100% in and am thinking STR with an expiry date. It's like I went from trying to address my paranoia and major trust issues to feeling that most of them were justified I texted him just now that I got a google+ invite and he responded "I love you with or without google+ :)" Prior, those words would make my heart skip a beat, now I feel like they are hollow and empty. So, yeah I am going forward but my feelings and expectations have changed. I disagree ES. Your level of commitment to this relationship has never been 100%. We both know all I have to do is peruse your past threads to demonstrate this. You've approached this relationship with nothing but skepticism, neatly stacking two piles of proofs: "he said this, he's crazy about me"; "he did this, he's manipulating me and doesn't care about me". You use fear and mistrust to try and protect yourself against pain. You create emotional distance in your relationship. It also, nicely, lets you off the hook, and leaves him with the burden of making the relationship a healthy, good, relationship. It leaves him with a burden of proof. All this mistrust is your way of not taking any responsibility for the relationship. So my advice still stands. It's okay to have your eyes open and to not be thinking marriage right now. It's okay to want to take it slow and see where it goes. But you are choosing to stay in the relationship. You are making a decision. You are taking on a responsibility. That responsibility is doing all you can, on your side, to make the relationship healthy. To try and make the relationship the kind of relationship that makes you happy. It's the only way a relationship can bloom. If it all blows up in your face, at least, you will have given it your best shot. You won't have to wonder if it was you, or him, that was the problem, because you will know you did your best. That's dignity. Edited July 1, 2011 by Kamille Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I disagree ES. Your level of commitment to this relationship has never been 100%. We both know all I have to do is peruse your past threads to demonstrate this. You've approached this relationship with nothing but skepticism, neatly stacking two piles of proofs: "he said this, he's crazy about me"; "he did this, he's manipulating me and doesn't care about me". You use fear and mistrust to try and protect yourself against pain. You create emotional distance in your relationship. It also, nicely, lets you off the hook, and leaves him with the burden of making the relationship a healthy, good, relationship. It leaves him with a burden of proof. All this mistrust is your way of not taking any responsibility for the relationship. So my advice still stands. It's okay to have your eyes open and to not be thinking marriage right now. It's okay to want to take it slow and see where it goes. But you are choosing to stay in the relationship. You are making a decision. You are taking on a responsibility. That responsibility is doing all you can, on your side, to make the relationship healthy. To try and make the relationship the kind of relationship that makes you happy. Do you honestly think that she is doing ALL SHE CAN to make this relationship healthy?!? You have GOT to be mistaken there... Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 ES, Some people are "mean" on here because they can. They don't know you personally. You don't know them. It seems that many people let their "nasty side" show when they are anonymous. Please don't let it get to you. I read your post where you feel sad/anxious at the posts that take jabs at you. Please don't let them hurt you. Remember, they don't know you. I think it is a good idea to not ask for advice on this forum publicly. The reasons are because most of the people on here have not studied in how to help people with their relationships. It would be better to privately message certain people that you feel you can trust, to ask them to give you advice, instead of just posting publicly about the issues you are experiencing. I wish you well. Many people here wish you well. We want you to be happy, to have a healthy relationship based on love and trust, and to enjoy life. Whether you break up with your boyfriend or not, please enjoy the precious moments you have in life. Life goes by so quick. Instead of spending it in anxiety and fear and pain, learn to enjoy the good moments and care for others, and accept others' care for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I agree that a lot of this shows red flags but I understand why you would not yet dump him. I suppose the only thing that you can do is stay in but keep your eyes open. I'm not totally convinced that these red flags are deal breakers but definitely a reason to proceed with caution. I too have noted the nastiness on your threads. I was thinking that while reading this new thread and then saw the discussion by TBF and others. I really wish that those who have nothing to offer in the way of advice would just not read your threads instead of repeatedly letting you know their thoughts about you personally. (Okay, people?) Link to post Share on other sites
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