My Coping Log

[Cantcope]

Day 1

Don't even know where to start. I'm heartbroken. It's been a very long, very hard 6 weeks without you. Did you know that the mixed signals are killing me? The second I feel any sliver of happiness, you pop up and make me feel the hurt and pain all over again. Constant torment. And I have to see you every day! How will I ever heal?

 

6 weeks apart and we still fight every damn day. So, today is my "Day 1". Who knows if our time apart will be forever, I really can't say. But I'm putting myself through this 10 day challenge. I need to get through a minimum of the next 10 days without responding to you, acknowledging you or letting you provoke any emotions.

 

I can do this, and I'll post here every 45 seconds if I have to. You don't want me and I'm tired of throwing myself at you.

[Maoky]

Keep it up and keep challenging yourself! =)

[Cantcope]

Thanks!!

 

So...you see me crying and text me "Are you ok"? You approach me and ask "why are you crying"?

 

REALLY? Are you kidding me? And like the good girl that I am, I ignoreboth attempts for you to get into my head. What's wrong? Need an ego stroke today?

 

I wish that I didn't have to see you at work. You don't deserve to see my tears.

 

I've tried crying and begging, blaming and taking on the entire burden, being the nice friend and the bitch. Nothing has worked to either get you back or help me move on. The only thing I haven't tried is walking away. Maybe I'll get you back, or maybe I'll just find my happiness without you!

[Mnesic]

Thanks!!

 

So...you see me crying and text me "Are you ok"? You approach me and ask "why are you crying"?

 

REALLY? Are you kidding me? And like the good girl that I am, I ignoreboth attempts for you to get into my head. What's wrong? Need an ego stroke today?

 

I wish that I didn't have to see you at work. You don't deserve to see my tears.

 

I've tried crying and begging, blaming and taking on the entire burden, being the nice friend and the bitch. Nothing has worked to either get you back or help me move on. The only thing I haven't tried is walking away. Maybe I'll get you back, or maybe I'll just find my happiness without you!

 

Cantcope your ex is feeding on the drama and the hurt he is causing you! Just NC HIM and he will wonder, "Why doesn't this girl reply to me I want her to be mopping around for me and in fetal position like I left her." That would hurt his ego and he would miss you but continue to ignore him. Him texting you if your "OK", is just to have you in check while he is out having fun or what ever he is doing. If you need anyone to talk to with similar situations as yours just come to this chat and say Hi. http://tinychat.com/myrelationship

 

Good luck

[Cantcope]

Thank you so much.

 

I was really doing well for a few days and Monday, he pops up with sending me this:

 

"Another day in misery, another day in pain, another day pretending to be happy in vain,

another day, another night, waking up from nightmares in fright,

what the **** happened to us, My heart was hit by a ****ing bus,

will this feeling ever end? Will you ever be my friend?

Will we ever work it out, in my car when I can shout, is when I can release my strife, for a second, now back to faux life."

 

I finally asked him if this means he wants to reconcile. He told me that I would first have to go into counseling, be truthful with my counselor that everythng was my fault, get help for my anger and rage problems (when we fight, I yell and curse) and I need to work hard to be his friend. After all of that, we can THINK about seeing if we could have a relationship.

 

All it did was set me right back to hurting, moping and crying.

 

I want him in my life, as my partner, but all I can do now is walk away and let him fix himself while I work on me.

[Mnesic]

Thank you so much.

 

I was really doing well for a few days and Monday, he pops up with sending me this:

 

"Another day in misery, another day in pain, another day pretending to be happy in vain,

another day, another night, waking up from nightmares in fright,

what the **** happened to us, My heart was hit by a ****ing bus,

will this feeling ever end? Will you ever be my friend?

Will we ever work it out, in my car when I can shout, is when I can release my strife, for a second, now back to faux life."

 

I finally asked him if this means he wants to reconcile. He told me that I would first have to go into counseling, be truthful with my counselor that everythng was my fault, get help for my anger and rage problems (when we fight, I yell and curse) and I need to work hard to be his friend. After all of that, we can THINK about seeing if we could have a relationship.

 

All it did was set me right back to hurting, moping and crying.

 

I want him in my life, as my partner, but all I can do now is walk away and let him fix himself while I work on me.

 

Your ex seems to kinda be playing games with you, nothing NC can't fix. I think your ex would come around if you just ignore him for a while I can see he has feelings for you but not sure if they are stable yet.. While you ignore him its going to be tough but don't give in to his games he was the one that dumped you. You said you were doing well until he sent that MSG to you, its just him checking if your still interested so he has something to fall back on. Its going to be hard but keep FULL NO CONTACT and you will see results. We all know how you feel your among friends here

[Cantcope]

"Ex would come around"....please expand on that one. Come around as in make changes needed to improve on the relationship, or as in finally leave me alone to heal?

[Mnesic]

"Ex would come around"....please expand on that one. Come around as in make changes needed to improve on the relationship, or as in finally leave me alone to heal?

 

I can't promise you anything but If you stick to NC he might realize things and ask for you back usually its a rare case, but In your situation he seems to be playing games and it kinda show that hes interested.. since you said you've broke up 6 weeks ago but still in contact with each other. But mainly use it as a healing purpose by the time you are fully healed if he comes around you wouldn't need him

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[Cantcope]

Day 2

 

I'm still high on pride, so day 2 seems like nothing. I remember from last year, it was 4 or 5 days in that I was feeling pretty bad.

 

I'm walking around the office with my head high and a smile on my face. Fake it til I break it I suppose. Guess I'm glad it's the weekend so I'll have a few days without you in my face. I miss you so much on the weekends, and I always wonder what you're doing, but it's easier when I don't have to see you.

 

All I have to do is make it through a few more hours. I know that you're going to the party tonight, and I won't be there. I know that I'll look out the window all night, only to see that your car isn't in your driveway. I hope that I can stay busy and surrounded these next few difficult days.

 

I remember last 4th. We just got back together and we watched the fireworks together and went home and cuddled. I'll miss you this weekend baby. Please be safe.

[Cantcope]

I miss you! I miss you so much! There will never be the feeling of arms around me, like your arms around me. There will never be lips that touch mine like yours.

 

Why are we like this? We love each other!!!! Why are you there, and I'm here. Why can't we just be???

 

I miss you so f*cking much R! I feel incomplete, like my life is a puzzle, and I can't find that one last piece. It's you!

[Cantcope]

Day 6.

 

I'm pretty strong, although thoughts of you are still in the VERY front of my mind. It was a long weekend without you. You reached out to me twice. Nope, I didn't fall for it. I can't.

 

I went on a date last night. He was absolutely INCREDIBLE. I actually said to a friend "If I were single, I'd be all over that guy". WOW! Reality check. I AM single! I just don't feel like my heart is ready to let you go and move on.

 

Everyone is telling me now that since you will see that I've moved on and met someone else, that I will have you beating down my door professing your love. I don't know that I want that anymore either. What would I do? I know what I would do. I would believe all of your BS and I would throw away something potentially amazing....just to be with you. But why? We still don't see eye to eye, still don't want the same things out of life. Well, we probably do, but I'm ready for those things now...not in 5 years when you grow up.

 

Can't stop thinking about you....wondering if you're thinking about me. I hope that this all gets easier with time, not harder, because that...I couldn't take.

 

I miss you baby, and I love you so very much.

Edited July 5, 2011 by Cantcope

[ameriveaux]

Its very healthy what you are doing, i believe the longer that you continue this log, the more benefits it will offer in the long road. As time passes and you can look back on your feelings, you will have an objective means to measure your progress. I do not think it will remove the feelings and pain faster, but i do think it will help mitigate the impact that pain can have on you, especially in time you formally spent with your ex. The hardest times are the nights/weekends and holidays where we usually spent with our former lovers. Now we have to fill that void with other activities that we enjoy. ( even if they do not match the pleasure that being with someone does )

 

I was unable to remain dedicated enough to keep a log such as this; but i did let out my emotions and feelings with short stories and poetry. When i read your log, even a year and a half later, i can still connect with what you write; especially the parts of love. I still love that girl, even after this time. However, i have been able to develop and maintain an equilibrium of functionality despite the harrowing feelings of loss.

 

Perhaps your effort hear can motivate me to rekindle my writings. Dont give up! One day at a time!

[Cantcope]

Day Zero....Back to the beginning.

 

You threw out a line, I bit. I WILL get back on the horse though and I will not contact you!!! I don't even feel like I broke NC, but NIC wasn't my goal, so I suppose I did.

 

You text me at 2:30 am "Get the f*ck out of my dreams". Instead of ignoring it, I fed into it, which did what? Lead to ANOTHER string of texts and arguing. What was your goal? Then you throw in my face that I'm dating. SO EFFING WHAT??? I'm not even dating because I want to move on!! I'm forcing myself!! You didn't want me anymore remember? Now I should pity you and feel bad that you have nightmares?

 

"I'm not the one out there dating and meeting other people! I have a heart and I'm not over you". So....what are you insinuating? That I have no heart? How quickly you forget all of the phone calls, me begging and crying, writing you poems, buying you cards. Really?

 

I can't let you do this to me. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING less than "Look, I contributed to our downfall too and I want to be a better person for you and with you" means NOTHING, and at this point, I wouldn't even believe that.

 

Back to the drawing board. I will do this as many times as I have to so that I get it right!