People need to consider mental illness when dating

[singlelife]

I recently dated a girl who had depression, anxiety, and other issues. I am not making fun at her at all. But I just wanted to through out there that these are factors when dealing with another person. Sometimes moods swing and they do weird **** that prevents them from opening up to you or from you wanting to get to know them. Just saying. Hope I don't offend anyone but I KNOW people have had to deal with this before and it should be discussed.

[mo mo]

I recently dated a girl who had depression, anxiety, and other issues. I am not making fun at her at all. But I just wanted to through out there that these are factors when dealing with another person. Sometimes moods swing and they do weird **** that prevents them from opening up to you or from you wanting to get to know them. Just saying. Hope I don't offend anyone but I KNOW people have had to deal with this before and it should be discussed.

 

Agree 100%.

 

This isn't exactly something the person you are interested in is going to disclose either. You will practically have to diagnose it yourself. They may seem really awesome at times, and then a mood swing comes and you say.. oh.. maybe it's just a glitch/bad day. But when said person keeps having these mood swings something has to give.

 

More often than not, these people are so absorbed by their own problems that they forget they have responsibilities in the relationship too. They think it's ok to disappear for a while when they are having an episode and expect everything to be rosy when they come back, just because they are feeling better.

 

You can only be understanding for so long.

[SmileFace]

nevermind.....

Edited June 30, 2011 by SmileFace

[neowulf]

As someone who's currently being treated for Dysthymia, I often wonder whether or not to mention it to people.

 

On the one hand, it's a deeply personal struggle and not something I feel overly confident about sharing with friends, let alone strangers.

 

On the other, I can understand that it might prove a factor for the person in deciding whether or not to continue having a relationship with me.

 

I suppose I feel sometimes like people aren't willing to accept *any* flaws or weaknesses in the people they date.

 

I get that people don't want to have to deal with endless mood swings or violent outbursts (I've dated girls like that).. but still.. a little compassion for someone with an illness wouldn't go astray either.

 

I'm more than my illness.

[EasyHeart]

Agree 100%.

 

This isn't exactly something the person you are interested in is going to disclose either. You will practically have to diagnose it yourself. They may seem really awesome at times, and then a mood swing comes and you say.. oh.. maybe it's just a glitch/bad day. But when said person keeps having these mood swings something has to give.

 

More often than not, these people are so absorbed by their own problems that they forget they have responsibilities in the relationship too. They think it's ok to disappear for a while when they are having an episode and expect everything to be rosy when they come back, just because they are feeling better.

 

You can only be understanding for so long.

Been there, done that.

 

NOT fun. Not fun at all.

[mo mo]

Been there, done that.

 

NOT fun. Not fun at all.

 

Yea.. this is it in a nutshell

 

You have to be understanding and try to not do or say anything that could affect that person's feelings in a negative manner. Yet, when they're off acting all weird and inconsiderate you have to just let it slide. They essentially have permission to not take your feelings into consideration. And if you want to address how his or her actions could have been handled differently, you're just being nitpicky/bitchy.

 

Am I right?????

[singlelife]

From my view fortunately I wasn't involved deeply with the person. But I can totally see how she has gone through a lot of dudes. Noone can put up with that stuff long term then she has to move on to the next one. Next thing you know she's gotten around. Sad pattern really. I wonder if some of the people with illness know they have it until it's been yrs of bad dating or if they are just hoping a special someone will be there no matter what. Not saying you should just spill your guts but you should realize noone has to give you a second or third chance either.

[stepka]

I have ADD and I"m not offended at all. Since it's a disorder that can often affect relationships, I feel that I should be pretty open about it from the beginning so I don't get my heart too broken later when he realizes that he can't deal with it. Actually though, it's pretty evident from the beginning and I've never had anyone break up with me over it and I managed to stay married for a very long time.

 

One thing at my age though that's getting to be a concern is that I look for signs of memory loss and I assume they're doing the same. My mother is getting pretty advanced in alzheimer's and it could happen to anyone but I'd hate to get with someone who has early alzheimer's. It's a scary world out there but at least there are meds for many conditions. Not for Alzheimer's though.

[singlelife]

I was thinking more about depression, bipolar, etc. Along those lines.

[Cee]

I love this topic. About 1/5 of the US population has a mental disorder of some sort. It is so common. I have a rarer affliction, bipolar, which affects about 5% of the population.

 

I think back to my (ex) BF who checked me into a hospital when I had my first manic episode. He must have been out of his mind with grief and worry. I was so zonked on medication, I couldn't console him.

 

He distanced himself from me and became my "friend" while I was first hospitalized. I was devastated by that, but as I recovered, I became more myself and we became a couple again. I remember the staff of the hospital really liked and trusted him. Often friends and family are barred access because they are toxic b/c they have addictions and their own issues. Anyway, he visited me on July 4th (many years ago) and after a walk in the hospital, he brought me back to the unit. It was past visiting hours, but the staff let him stay and we watched the fireworks through the hospital window. That is the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me.

 

Our relationship ended for regular reasons and he is now married with a child. I, on the other hand, walked a different path. I struggled with more manic episodes and had pronounced myself damaged goods and forever ill. But the story doesn't end there. I kept trying to get emotionally healthy and made life choices that would keep me well. Like never having children or holding an overly ambitious job. I am now fairly normal, but I am disabled. However, I can't ever talk about my disability else I could lose my job that I so badly need to pay the bills.

 

It's not easy being mentally ill, but thankfully I live in times where there are medications instead of sanitariums and prison cells. And I have an awesome doctor, who has made it possible for me to lead a normal seeming life. And my current boyfriend knows I am bipolar and takes medication, but I hope he never has to go through the hell of a manic episode. And if I stick to my program, I can remain in remission for many years to come.

[Knittress]

Doesn't something like one in three women have issues with depression? I'm not sure you can necessarily call that an illness so much as a personality type... Ok, I'm not saying that mental illness doesn't exist, but to a certain degree when looking at myself I've got to wonder if my own depressive tendencies aren't more related to difficulties in straightening out my poor self-esteem and negative thought patterns than anything irreparably rooted in biology.

 

I'm certainly not stamping a sign on my forehead. There's something wrong with everyone and dwelling in negativity doesn't do anyone any good.

[singlelife]

Depression is a mental illness.

[Knittress]

Depression is a mental illness.

 

Why doesn't anyone consider black-and-white thinking a mental illness?

[mo mo]

I love this topic. About 1/5 of the US population has a mental disorder of some sort. It is so common. I have a rarer affliction, bipolar, which affects about 5% of the population.

 

I think back to my (ex) BF who checked me into a hospital when I had my first manic episode. He must have been out of his mind with grief and worry. I was so zonked on medication, I couldn't console him.

 

He distanced himself from me and became my "friend" while I was first hospitalized. I was devastated by that, but as I recovered, I became more myself and we became a couple again. I remember the staff of the hospital really liked and trusted him. Often friends and family are barred access because they are toxic b/c they have addictions and their own issues. Anyway, he visited me on July 4th (many years ago) and after a walk in the hospital, he brought me back to the unit. It was past visiting hours, but the staff let him stay and we watched the fireworks through the hospital window. That is the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me.

 

Our relationship ended for regular reasons and he is now married with a child. I, on the other hand, walked a different path. I struggled with more manic episodes and had pronounced myself damaged goods and forever ill. But the story doesn't end there. I kept trying to get emotionally healthy and made life choices that would keep me well. Like never having children or holding an overly ambitious job. I am now fairly normal, but I am disabled. However, I can't ever talk about my disability else I could lose my job that I so badly need to pay the bills.

 

It's not easy being mentally ill, but thankfully I live in times where there are medications instead of sanitariums and prison cells. And I have an awesome doctor, who has made it possible for me to lead a normal seeming life. And my current boyfriend knows I am bipolar and takes medication, but I hope he never has to go through the hell of a manic episode. And if I stick to my program, I can remain in remission for many years to come.

 

Hmm that's interesting. Thanks for sharing.

 

One of my best friends, a guy I have known for over 10 years, is bipolar. He has his doctor and medication, but I had suspected for the longest time that either he wasn't taking his medication properly or his doctor wasn't treating him properly.

 

Turned out it was both. He got a new doctor and a new, easier medication program. He seemed to be doing OK for a little while, but recently it seems like he is back to his old ways.

 

I think he is actually scared of living a "normal" life. He finds it boring. He'd much rather stay home and play video games and watch movies up until the wee hours of the morning(i know, right?)

 

I have tried my best over the years to give him feedback, but I think ultimately his parents aren't doing him any favors.I won't say they don't care about him or anything, but I don't understand how they let him get away with the things he does either. It's negligent in my opinion. They have him in this kind of comfort zone and any time people ask him why he won't try to stand on his own 2 feet he gets all defensive.

 

In your case Cee, I admire you for doing what you had to do to make life pleasant for yourself and others. I wish my friend was like that.

[Cee]

Yes, mo mo, what you relate about your friend is true in my experience.

 

There are some secrets about mental illness that I don't share because they'll alarm people. One of them is people with mental illness are often terrible with medication compliance. And that's because they (we) get some sort of payoff by having symptoms or fear being normal. And yes, I have stopped my meds numerous times. But the consequences of hospitalization is terrible. So I am finally happily compliant.

 

In defense of people with MI and treatment. Some of the side effects are horrible. I have experienced side effects including: severe weight gain, lost libido, blurred vision, memory loss, significant hair loss, involuntary tremors, heavy sedation, etc. The meds are better now, but a lot of times they don't work well.

 

I'm glad I can divulge this stuff here. Mental illness is so prevalent, but it's treated like a dirty little secret.

[somedude81]

I've had Dysthymia for the vast majority of my life.

 

There is no way in hell I'll tell somebody about it before the relationship is secure. Hopefully it will never even need to be brought up.

 

Seeing as how the best "treatment" I've found is to be around people I like, it seems to be a non-issue.

 

Granted I'll probably take getting dumped very horribly, but at this point I don't care.

 

I have to find somebody willing to date me in the first place.

[mo mo]

Yes, mo mo, what you relate about your friend is true in my experience.

 

There are some secrets about mental illness that I don't share because they'll alarm people. One of them is people with mental illness are often terrible with medication compliance. And that's because they (we) get some sort of payoff by having symptoms or fear being normal. And yes, I have stopped my meds numerous times. But the consequences of hospitalization is terrible. So I am finally happily compliant.

 

In defense of people with MI and treatment. Some of the side effects are horrible. I have experienced side effects including: severe weight gain, lost libido, blurred vision, memory loss, significant hair loss, involuntary tremors, heavy sedation, etc. The meds are better now, but a lot of times they don't work well.

 

I'm glad I can divulge this stuff here. Mental illness is so prevalent, but it's treated like a dirty little secret.

 

Yea, I really don't think people should mess with these medications unless it's like a last resort type of thing. I mean, some of these medications give people suicidal thoughts. Others are supposed to keep anxiety down, but if they are not worrying about anything, things like cars flying down a street they are crossing, then there's a problem.

 

Back to my friend:I have tried to work with him for a very long time, but like I said before, I really don't think his parents are doing him any favors. Let's put it this way. I met him freshman year of college in 1998. He has been pursuing that Bachelor's degree ever since. I mean that literally. He has switched and flunked out of school so many times, he literally has been trying for a solid 9-10 years to get a 4 year degree. (I'm not bad at math, I am taking into account he took some breaks during this 12+ year period). You'd think his parents would be disappointed, frustrated, and wanting to put pressure on him, but no. They fixed up a studio apartment for him in their house so he can live for free. They bought him a car, computer, big screen TV, and numerous other things. It's like he is getting rewarded for his behavior.

 

I took a break from college myself, but that was different because I was able to pick right up where I left off and I was able to get my Bachelor's within 4 years. But it was my own decision to go back and I really didn't have any help from anyone.

 

Anyways, I am seriously considering removing this guy from my life for two reasons: 1) he brings my mood down when he is acting all weird and 2) he needs to realize there are consequences for acting the way he does.

 

I used to think that he really had no control over his mood swings and all that but I realized a while back, after he wasted a year of college for the 3rd or 4th time, that the situation was actually under his control and he was choosing to skip doses, act strange, and let his parents take care of him.

[stepka]

Back to my friend:I have tried to work with him for a very long time, but like I said before, I really don't think his parents are doing him any favors. Let's put it this way. I met him freshman year of college in 1998. He has been pursuing that Bachelor's degree ever since. I mean that literally. He has switched and flunked out of school so many times, he literally has been trying for a solid 9-10 years to get a 4 year degree. (I'm not bad at math, I am taking into account he took some breaks during this 12+ year period). You'd think his parents would be disappointed, frustrated, and wanting to put pressure on him, but no. They fixed up a studio apartment for him in their house so he can live for free. They bought him a car, computer, big screen TV, and numerous other things. It's like he is getting rewarded for his behavior.

 

Yeah, it took me 12 years to finish due to ADD related behaviors, which I didn't know I had at the time. But, the big diff between me and your friend is that after I flunked out once, I decided it wouldn't be fair to ask my parents for more money and I went to community college to get my grades up and paid the rest of my own way and got my degree from an ivy league university. Just because your folks offer to spoil you doesn't mean you have to take them up on it, mentally ill or not, so I think you'd be justified to walk away--it doesn't sound like he's trying to help himself at all.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Why doesn't anyone consider black-and-white thinking a mental illness?

 

For those people who are literally unable to consider more than a few options... I would say that is a mental illness, but it probably is caused by something else.

 

You need to recognize that for the rest of us we see the grey just fine, but when expressing our opinions it's much more succinct to frame them as black and white.

[mo mo]

For those people who are literally unable to consider more than a few options... I would say that is a mental illness, but it probably is caused by something else.

 

You need to recognize that for the rest of us we see the grey just fine, but when expressing our opinions it's much more succinct to frame them as black and white.

 

Yea.. I think people who think in terms of black and white just have a low IQ

[Engadget]

It does need to be considered, absolutely. I've had awful experiences with two people with bi-polar disorder.

 

One was a close friend in high school. He routinely flipped out or attacked me when he was manic, and then would try to commit suicide when depressed and I walked in on him cutting his wrists once. It shook me so badly to have to call his mother (she was a psychologist too, poor woman) and stop him.

 

The next was a girl I connected with, who one day snapped at me and made all these totally insane accusations that I was stalking her, was in love with her, blah blah blah. It was all untrue but she believed it then we never talked again.

 

Not to sound prejudiced, but I can't deal with that crap in a relationship. My current girlfriend is the only one in her family that's sane now, which is worrying sometimes. She has brothers with drug addiction issues, social phobias, bi-polar issues, a mother that's bi-polar, etc.

[singlelife]

It does need to be considered, absolutely. I've had awful experiences with two people with bi-polar disorder.

 

One was a close friend in high school. He routinely flipped out or attacked me when he was manic, and then would try to commit suicide when depressed and I walked in on him cutting his wrists once. It shook me so badly to have to call his mother (she was a psychologist too, poor woman) and stop him.

 

The next was a girl I connected with, who one day snapped at me and made all these totally insane accusations that I was stalking her, was in love with her, blah blah blah. It was all untrue but she believed it then we never talked again.

 

Not to sound prejudiced, but I can't deal with that crap in a relationship. My current girlfriend is the only one in her family that's sane now, which is worrying sometimes. She has brothers with drug addiction issues, social phobias, bi-polar issues, a mother that's bi-polar, etc.

 

 

The part about them believing it is the hardest part because you cannot even reason with them. In my case her gf who didn't know the details just believed everything she said and was no help. All that actually aided us breaking up. If there is no support system and the persons circle of friends is no help there is no way you can help you just need to go. I think this is some of the reasons some guys ( not all the men ladies ) go to the fwb. They like a girl but there is just something there that keeps them from getting deeper.

[delilah123]

My ex and I broke up over mental illness. He has depression and I was willing to stay with him no questions, but unfortuently he couldn't handle my anxiety and depression as well as his own.

 

we sound like a messed up couple, but we weren't we laughed and loved and still love eachother. But it was too hard, when he wasn't feeling good he wouldn't give me any attention and because I might not be feeling good, I might feel EXTRA sad that he wouldn't give it to me... see the pattern?

 

It just meant that we both had bad reactions to eachother.

 

I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, and we are hoping I can just some medication whihc will calm me down.. we want to get back together in the future if we feel that we are both well enough.. it's like we feel like we are meant to be together, but it shouldn't be so hard.

 

We were together 3 1/2 years and friends for around 5-6 years. He is defiently my soul mate, understands me like no other, but sometimes when your own emotion aren't working, you can't give your parnter the emotional support they need. he's asked me to see a doctor because he hates seeing me as stresed as the anxiety makes me.

 

He always just says that for some people the road to happiness is uphill and for others its smooth sailing on a nice flat road.

 

and for the record, hell no would i tell anyone. if they work it out then so be it, but i am v private, my ex only knows because i trusted him to love me and stay with me anyway, and he didn't proving my point that it's best kept under wraps. (as the anxiety and depression i can't control, but keeeping quiet about it i can).

[D-Lish]

I have anxiety and depression- the depression flares up once every few years, but the anxiety is something that has always been with me.

 

I actually suffer in silence- my ex wouldn't have known I had anxiety. I don't know what you mean by "doing weird stuff". It's the same with work- I have a high pressure job, and the people I work closely with on a daily basis would never know I have anxiety issues.

[Feelin Frisky]

As someone who's currently being treated for Dysthymia, I often wonder whether or not to mention it to people.

 

On the one hand, it's a deeply personal struggle and not something I feel overly confident about sharing with friends, let alone strangers.

 

On the other, I can understand that it might prove a factor for the person in deciding whether or not to continue having a relationship with me.

 

I suppose I feel sometimes like people aren't willing to accept *any* flaws or weaknesses in the people they date.

 

I get that people don't want to have to deal with endless mood swings or violent outbursts (I've dated girls like that).. but still.. a little compassion for someone with an illness wouldn't go astray either.

 

I'm more than my illness.

 

Tens of millions of Americans have undiagnosed dysthymia. It's not so severe a thing as to demand disclosure. I look at the condition like this: say that most people operate at between 85 and 95% of capacity to be happy and "with it". A dysthymic then operates between 80 and 90%. There's no way to say how many in each classification are over-lapping. For instance a million people average 87% who have been diagnosed as dysthymic while another million who don't have it but also hover at 87% what's the difference? None. Dysthymia according to one doctor is not dysthymia to another. The diagnosis itself is a measure of the popularity of SSRI anti-depressants which have come out in the past 25 years. Since there are meds that help with depression, more doctors diagnose dysthymia and more drug companies try to push that diagnosis to sell more product.