joeshooter Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) So my wife and I have been married for only about a month and a half. I just found out last night and today, that about a year ago when we were going through a rough patch, due to myself working so many hours to pay the bills that she had had sex with an ex boyfriend. She said it only happened twice, and that she was so disgusted with herself that she threw up. So why did it happen twice, I asked and she can't explain. I'm still very much in love with her, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this. My first instinct is to tell the guy's what had happened. I feel like she hid it from me to trick me into marriage, so that I wouldn't leave. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you Edited June 30, 2011 by joeshooter Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The first thing I'd point out is she didn't have to confess this. Why did she? Because you're married now and she didn't want a secret like this between you? Because she was afraid it would be worse if you found out on your own later? What did she say about this? While it WAS a betrayal, it WAS before you were married. That makes a difference in my mind, but maybe that's a flaw in my character. Do you love her? Can you get past it? There is no right or wrong answer here (despite what some will tell you). What you don't want to do is rush your decision. On the one hand, someone you love enough to marry doesn't come along every day, and on the other hand, someone else WILL come along eventually, and if this knowledge just makes you absolutely miserable, maybe you need to start looking for that other someone. Take some time and see how you feel in a few weeks, or a few months. Immediately after finding out about something like this is not the best time to make a decision, your emotions will be very raw for a while. You just got married after all. It would seem sad to throw it away without at least taking some time to make sure that's what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 She admitted herself? If so, do you think that she withheld it intentionally to say it after you're married, so you wouldn't have it as easy to leave her ass? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 JoeShooter - You bring up a great points. She said she was so disgusted with herself for having sex with her ex that she vomited. Yet, she did it twice. If it was so bad then why do it twice? The answer is that she is lying to you about not liking it. If something makes you vomit then who in their right mind would engage in such behavior a second time? It makes no sense. The both of you need now to get checked for STD's. If she cheated on you when you were dating the chances are pretty good that it will happen again when their is a rough patch in the marriage down the line. By the way, I doubt she told you the whole story. Cheaters never tell the whole story at the beginning and they go into damage control and trickle truth you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been? I would think about getting an annulment. She tricked you into the marriage. If you knew this beforehand, would you have married her anyway? See a lawyer. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joeshooter Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) The thing is though, she only confessed whenever I told her I was gonna find out one way or another. It was her best friend that told me to begin with. She makes it sound like he forced himself on her, but the distinct mental image I'm getting is she stuck it out there for him to do his thing. We've been together for over five years now. I'm gonna try to get through this, but I still really want to to tell the guys wife. Should I? Edited June 30, 2011 by joeshooter Link to post Share on other sites
DepressedinDenver Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The thing is though, she only confessed whenever I told her I was gonna find out one way or another. It was her best friend that told me to begin with. She makes it sound like he forced himself on her, but the distinct mental image I'm getting is she stuck it out there for him to do his thing. We've been together for over five years now. I'm gonna try to get through this, but I still really want to to tell the guys wife. Should I? Having gone through this just a few months ago you should be very weary about working things out just for the fact that you have hardly been married long. And YES you should tell the guys wife. If the girlfriend of the guy my wife was having an affair with would not have told me I would have never known. The wife deserves to know this especially if they were married when her husband and your wife were screwing their brains out. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Agreed, tell his wife. She has the right to know what's going on so she can make her own decisions. Your second post is clearer that your wife probably would have never confessed if her friend hadn't filled you in. She would have just kept you in the dark. It's a tough time to think clearly, but have you figured out what you want to do about the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You've only been married shortly so you can still get out fairly clean. Get an annulment if you can. She's a liar and she'll keep lying to cover her ass. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 You've only been married shortly so you can still get out fairly clean. Get an annulment if you can. She's a liar and she'll keep lying to cover her ass. and as most married men find out... your tireless effort to provide for your wife/family will go very unappreciated. Your working your ass off while she is riding c*ck. this is a story that countless men are telling to the bottom of a bottle right now. no good deed goes unpunished. If I were you I would see all I need to see to know that life with her is going to be hell... you think she takes you and your hard work for granted now... wait until 7 years in when shes really bored and wants out and takes you to the cleaners after sucking off half the neighborhood run dude! shes telling you who she is... dont stay because you love who you want her to be or who you falsely think she is. and telling you deosnt mean sh*t... it doesnt erase it. Link to post Share on other sites
Taeyang Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 This is a hard one.. it really depends on the woman, you can't put them all in the same category, as wrong as it is to cheat. In my opinion she didn't want to tell you because she didn't want to hurt you, not because she wanted to trick you into marriage, and then when it came to marriage, she probably chose not to tell you because she didn't want to lose you. If that makes it any better :\ It's still wrong that she cheated, whatever her excuse may be. And I'm sure she knows it, and it's been in the back of her mind for a while. It's not something easy to forget, that you hurt the one you love. And it is strange that she did it twice, but maybe due to anger/resentment/whatever her reason is, she did it the first time and the second was more reluctant as she realized more how wrong it was, and then regret it but couldn't tell you. I'm just filling in the blanks, but this is something you should talk in detail with her, whether you want to try and get through it or get an annulment. Because either way, you need to know all the details. If not to understand, to have closure, and be able to make a more informed decision. It's harder because you're married, but I'm sure you'll know what to do after you talk about it more. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 The thing is though, she only confessed whenever I told her I was gonna find out one way or another. It was her best friend that told me to begin with. She makes it sound like he forced himself on her, but the distinct mental image I'm getting is she stuck it out there for him to do his thing. We've been together for over five years now. I'm gonna try to get through this, but I still really want to to tell the guys wife. Should I? Forced himself on her - twice? She was so disgusted she threw up - twice? Please don't be so naive. You say you are going to try to work through this and, for the life of me, I cannot see why you would put yourself through the hell that awaits you. Trying to recover and reconcile a marriage after infidelity is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. If she cheated while you were making final arrangements for your wedding then I can't imagine what she will do when real marital issues arise during the course of a typical marriage. If you don't have children then you are a fool to stay in this relationship. Sorry for the bluntness, but most men who have been in your shoes will tell you the same thing. For both of your sakes, start divorce proceedings now. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 So my wife and I have been married for only about a month and a half. only? there are no "only"s with cheating. I just found out last night and today, that about a year ago when we were going through a rough patch, due to myself working so many hours to pay the bills that she had had sex with an ex boyfriend. a year ago? so you have only been married a year? then get out now!!! an annulment is still possible. She said it only happened twice, and that she was so disgusted with herself that she threw up. ya, thats why she did it twice:rolleyes: I'm still very much in love with her, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this. My first instinct is to tell the guy's what had happened. yes, tell your buds. hopefully they will take you out for a night on the town, have a few drinks and talk some sense into you. If I had a friend whose wife of not even a year, or even if it was longer, cheated on him, I'd be taking him out and showing him how much better life can be without having a cheater for a wife. I feel like she hid it from me to trick me into marriage, so that I wouldn't leave. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you like I said, you can get out easily if you don't have any kids with her that is. you can still leave with an annulment. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Cheating during courting before marriage is a 1000 times worse than cheating after being married for 10-20 years. If she cheated at a time when there is romance she will likely cheat when the boredom of a long term marriage sets in. exactly, and cheating because your boyfriend at the time had a job and had to work means it won't take much for her to justify cheating in the future when a REAL bump in the road comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 but I still really want to to tell the guys wife. Should I? absolutely. she deserves to know what kind of pr!ck she is married to. that and the fact he will do this to her again. and your girlfriend will cheat on you again. think about it. in these early stages when the relationship, marriage is very fresh and should still be fairly exciting, time is not a big friend of passion (not saying a married couple can't have passion after many years) get rid of her Link to post Share on other sites
sabinea Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 this is an advice from a woman who had the same experience exept that i was the one who cheated , i've never done it before and i didn't know i can ever do it but your woman stayed with you she didn't walk out i think that this is your big answer you have just one question to ask her why has she done it for what reason ? once you find it never forget that maybe she really loves you she didn't left just focus on the feeling not on mistakes some of people are weak anf trust me cheating is not a good feeling you can have pity on her not the opposite be wise and give her a second chance , don't you ever make mistakes on your own ...wich you the best Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) I would just get rid of her, doing it twice means she felt no remorse the first time. Edited July 1, 2011 by gaius Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 His wife was gonna take this dirty dark little secret to the grave She didn't leave cuz, she probably knows the pickings are pretty slim in the way of decent guys, there is a lot of guys with baggage, and she knows that her life would probably be pretty miserable, also she would have to go out and get one maybe two jobs, just to keep herself going as a single woman. You need to get all the answers as to why, and how much she actually did with her lover----make her take a poly Do tell her lovers wife What is her situation with her lover now---does she have any contact with him, and remember when you do ask her---she is a known liar---she lied to your face for over a year, and right thru a mge., ceremony She has the tendency to cheat, and lie---so if you decide to stay, treat this very seriously---do not be mr. nice-guy---she has to be accountable Does she have boundaries now---how is she showing remorse, and what is she doing to get back into the mge If you absolutely can't/don't wanna stay with her, due to this---you need to act quickly, as an anulment would still be available to you now, it won't be later on You gotta decide how you wanna spend the rest of your life---for your wife will trigger you, and you could be miserable a very long time Your wife only came clean, cuz she was forced to----how many other guys has she been with, when you guys had problems---be careful!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hey at least now you can get some strange with a clean conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Normal Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Get an HIV and STD test, and contact a divorce lawyer. Dump her asap and try to get an anulment, or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Women in love don't cheat. She cheated, so she was not in love. Never marry someone who is not in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
cheating-husband Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 That was a year ago but what made you ask her friend and confronted her about it? Give yourself a time. At this moment, you are very emotional so it is not a good time to decide. Ask her of the reason why she cheated and keeping it from you. Cheating is still cheating no matter what the reason is but give her a benefit of the doubt. There's no harm in salvaging a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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