Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Let me give you some background. My hubby and I are in love-like best friends, head over heals, cuddling all the time, do everything together. 8 years married now. We've had maybe 5 fights in that time-we truly do just get along and love being together. We have 5 kids between us (no little ones) and live your average upper middle class life. A few months ago I finally met his best friend (long story, but we live hours away from his work and most of his friends, which is why we've never met before.) I immediately liked him, and I'd say we hit it off well. But there is definitely a sexual attraction on my side building for him. Hubby is actually pretty OK with this-we enjoy kink and other taboo things, and he knows I'd like to sleep with his friend and he is OK with me doing it. It must be his Aquarius nature, but he's just very open sexually and not overly possessive of me, and extrmemly trusting and confident of our love. I feel the same for him. He even volunteered to help orchestrate it-again, not everyone's cup of tea, but our love just isn't definited by sex, so I think he just isn't really threatened-which is good because no one holds a candle to him. I'm glad he knows this. I'm not usually like this...I've never really had a crush outside of my marriage, and certainly nothing I'd act on. But physically I want this so bad. I don't get it, I just know this is something I am practically quivering over. I guess sometimes there really is a chemistry thing? This is the first time aside from my hubby that I've ever had this animalistic "I want you NOW" feeling. I don't know if most guys would even go for this. I think he thinks I'm at least moderatly attractive-we certainly appreciate one another's humor and enjoy one another's company, and I hubby once showed him some proffessional erotic pics I'd had taken of myself and he...well he was very praising of them, let's say. But again...I don't know if he'll even go for this. He's available, and I'm basically offering friendly sex, no strings. Anyways, I don't know why I'm even posting. I want to air it out...maybe get some advice (either on the situation or how to make it come to fruition) I'm hoping this is one of those non-judgemental places on the web where people can remove their feelings from situations and take things at face value. So..any advice? Input? Or just anyone else out there who gets me? Edited June 30, 2011 by Kuulani clarification Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) You know, in my past I would have said you're definitely playing with fire, and you may well be. But I think the fact that you're open and talking about it, right from the start, is a good thing. When people agree to these kinds of arrangements out of fear of saying no to the other person, then I think they get themselves into trouble, in other words, agreeing to something they wouldn't really want to, under pressure. On the other hand, if you're both really and truly being honest, and the openness isn't out of fear of saying no, and you both understand the possible implications, well, you'll just have to judge all of that. I just read an interesting article on this subject. It's on the NYTimes site, so I'm not sure I can post a direct link to it according to LS rules, but Google the following: "Dan Savage" "Virtues of infidelity" site:nytimes.com An interesting discussion on this topic. (Incidentally, this place isn't uniformly "non-judgmental", and I even fall in that category from time to time; there almost certainly will be some rough-and-tumble sniping and sarcasm, but if you pick through it, there can be some thoughtful stuff that's worth the effort...) Edited June 30, 2011 by Trimmer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Trimmer I agree, and I do know that my hubby just isn't the "give in to pressure" type, nor am I the "heap on the pressure type". If I felt I were pressuring him, I would never feel OK with it, and if I felt is "go for it" were not sincere (and he is nothing if not sincere) I could never go for it. So I can say I'm not really worried about US not understanding this or anything...still not sure how to approach it with his friend (who as I said, may or may not be interested, it's hard for me to say) so it might never happen anyways. If it does it will be because hubby set it up though Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I don't think it would be a wise decision. You are TOO attracted to him and I think once you get a taste of him..you will be going to him without your husband's knowledge. The very fact that you are so so into him could very well spell the ending of you and your husbands close relationship. If you have not done this before, how do you know your relationship can survive? They thought so greatly of the titanic..but it was brought down just by an iceberg. This could be the iceberg to bring your marriage down. Your Husband is very open minded...it may not be as I have stated. But what if it is? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Worst idea in the world. Once you have sex with him, I don't care how confident you are, things between you and your husband WILL change. I think that you will experience shame of what you have done and you're husband will start asking questions and he will or he won't believe you if you are truely being honest with him when he asks the questions, "Did you like it? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Did you have an orgasm?" I think that he might feel a little jealous and put out. Then, his male ego might take a nose dive. He'll be wondering why you feel that he wasn't man enough for you that you felt you needed to go outside the marriage. Then, you might have some feelings develop for his friend (remember, sex changes everything). Then, you might think that your husband really doesn't care too much about you to share you with someone else. THEN, you may wonder if by doing this to your husband, does this give him a free pass to sleep with whoever HE wants to? I mean, what's good for the goose...and you really don't have too much to say in the matter. My point is, a fantasy should remain just that; a fantasy. Because, once a fantasy becomes a reality, you may not like the end result. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I won't judge what honest and consenting adults do but this is playing with fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Soul Storm, I don't think this is going to be the end of anything between the hubby and I. This pal of his is nothing like the man I am in love with (well, they are friends and so have similar characteristics, but you all know what I mean when I say "He's nice...but he's no hubby!"). Between the hubby and I there is magic and around hubby and I there is a fortress which we have dilligently built up. We know where we are with each other. I'm sure other's have said that, but I cannot emphasize enough that for me there are lines and that attraction and sex just are NOT the same as love and can easily exist on the other side of the "love line". I think a lot of women tend to see these things as a Ven Diagram with "Love & Sex" being in the middle. For ME, Love is in the middle and things like sex and attraction are in their own bubbles, along with trust, friendship, goals, outlooks, security, etc. I only have 2 of those with his friend (attraction, and desire for sex)...but I have what it takes to equal love with hubby. The hubby knows, If anything I'd say he thinks it's...almost cute? I know this man and it just hasn't phased him at all. I've always said I can be like a man a bit in that I really do believe there is such a thing as "just sex"...meaning no love, just a chemistry...just sex. My friends think I'm a loser when I say I could easily forgive an affair provided it didn't beome emtional (which feels like the only real betrayal to me) I've always said I had never experienced it, but that I could easily see how it could be possible, and now it seems I'm seeing exactly what that feels like. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) I won't judge what honest and consenting adults do but this is playing with fire. I agree, even in spite of honesty and openness it can backfire horribly once you try it (you may find you like it a little more than you thought and explore wayyyyyyyy further than originally planned). Up to you. Edited June 30, 2011 by rafallus Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Remember-HE is the one who showed his friend my nude shots. I mean, if you want to get to how this started, that was probably it. He really just doesn't have a lot...honestly if ANY..sexual hangups like that. Hurting him is almost a non-issue here, but we are communicating a lot about it just so we can stay certain and all Edited June 30, 2011 by Kuulani Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 If you are soooo in love with your husband. And he is your world and no one can even compare to him, then why do you feel the need to go outside your marriage? Your husband should be able to complete you in everyway possible. Right? If you do this, then you MAY (I'm not saying you will) but you MAY lose this wonderful person for "just sex". Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Is your H going to participate in this as MFM or is this you and his friend alone? Would you be OK if he brought another woman in? If this works out, perhaps you and he could try swinging or couple's swapping. Lots of potentials. See how it goes and report back Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Is this some weird cuckolding/swinging fantasy you and your husband are talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Remember-HE is the one who showed his friend my nude shots. I mean, if you want to get to how this started, that was probably it. He really just doesn't have a lot...honestly if ANY..sexual hangups like that. Hurting him is almost a non-issue here, but we are communicating a lot about it just so we can stay certain and all Hate to destroy your idealism, but you can't stay certain - actually, you can't be certain at all in the first place. Why? You're reaching for an unexplored territory, and it's unknown how either of you reacts - it's easy to make predictions how you will react in given situation, it's another thing if you actually react like you thought you will - that goes double given that it's such a new thing. Not to change your decision, but you're best served taking it into account while making one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Hate to destroy your idealism, but you can't stay certain - actually, you can't be certain at all in the first place. Why? You're reaching for an unexplored territory, and it's unknown how either of you reacts - it's easy to make predictions how you will react in given situation, it's another thing if you actually react like you thought you will - that goes double given that it's such a new thing. Not to change your decision, but you're best served taking it into account while making one. Point taken. You are right, we haven't done this exact thing before, so you're right, no one really knows what we would do...though after a decade of knowing the man and being best friends, it's safe to say I can make an educated guess based on past situations, past actions, and what I know about him as a person. But you're right-we can all even surprise ourselves and I'll take some time to think about that for a while. I think he and I should just continue talking. He brought up the only concern he seems to have a few days after I told him (pregnancy) and we came up with a solution to that together, so I'm glad to know he actually is thinking about his feelings and concerns. To the other poster: No this is not some "weird" swinger thing (not that swingers are weird either-they just enjoy sex in a different way than you do)...hubby told me he did not want to participate, and I would have guessed as much just knowing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Okay, so you talked about pregnancy, great! But what if this guy has herpes, or HIV, or gential warts....protection is never 100%. It may seem like people are jumping in you, but I think we all feel that you shouldn't screw up a good thing (meaning your marriage) What if he wants to sleep with someone else? Would you be okay with that? and I don't wanna hear "as long as there's no emotions involved" stuff. I mean have you considered your husband laying naked on another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 We've discussed the other risks (which were my immediate concern) DH and he have been friends for 8 years, and DH is his confidante...DH would know if he had anything, but regardless we already decided on protection and testing. Have I considered my husband laying with another woman? Yes. For me the "lack of love" isn't just BS and drivel...it's a real factor. You might not agree but that really is a factor for me. DH would tell me if he wanted to. But regardless, that isn't the bridge we are crossing. It's not like I'm "doing this" to my husband so I have to make it right or something. We don't look at it that way. So that "tit for tat" part isn't really a part of the decision making process, though again, yes, in the interest of fairness, I have considered my feelings regarding him having sex with another woman, even though they have nthing to do with his feelings on ME having sex with another man. I don't want to mess up this amazing thing I have either (though I do understand and appreciate the concern..and 10 years ago many of these responses would have been my feelings had someone aired a situation like this to me, so I understand where everyone is coming from even if I no longer prescribe to that sort of outlook)...which is why I wouldn't do it if I felt it would. If anything I'm more worried about his friend being nervous around him after the fact than I am with hubby being upset. That really seems to be a bigger factor here. I just know the man I'm married to, I know past situations and while I'm not saying hurting him with this is IMPOSSIBLE...I am saying it's just not likely Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) okay, so since he's okay with you being with a another man, then everything is cool. But, him being with another woman isn't cool. That's how I'm reading it. Look, all I'm saying is that you got it in your head that everything is okay. Well, nothings happened yet. There are no guarantee's that everything WILL be okay when it does happen. That's an awefully big gamble you're willing to take. Even though so say you know your husband extremely well. You are not a mind reader. I think you're in for a world of hurt if you go through with this. And what happens when you find someone else attractive? One of his co-workers. Someone at the gym. Someone at the dog park. When does it stop? Edited June 30, 2011 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The idea of being in an open relationship sounds really exciting. I just don’t really see how it would work in the world we live in today. I don’t think you should do it unless you are ok with your husband having sex with other people in your life. People are irrational even though your husband is ok with this now it may snap something in his head afterward. It’s all very kinky. Will he watch? Is he then going to ask you about how you liked it? Is he going to ask his friend how he enjoyed you? I mean I see the fun in it especially if he gets to go out and have sex with other people. Really though it also seems so likely to bring the kind of drama that could tear a relationship apart. Maybe you guys could start slow if this is the first time you ever did something like this. Like maybe you could make out with him and touch each other for like 20 minutes. Then it might be out of your system and if things go wrong your husband could say to himself it was only kissing and I talked her into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 No Chi, you read it wrong. I said yes I'd thought about it. And that as long as it was a "she's hot" only thing I'd be fine because the emotional part is important. I was just saying what the hell does that have to do with how HE feels about it for me? Even if I wasn't OK with it, it wouldn't change that he was OK with it. That's all Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Dust-that is actually excellent advice. Dip toes in the water. Then we can both actually see how we would feel after having had a taste of it, since we are new and can only make our best guesses at how we would feel. We (especially HE) would be in a much better possition to asses his feelings after that I would think. Thanks for thinking about that one. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 But regardless, that isn't the bridge we are crossing. Uh yes it is. If you're going to sleep with another man, more specifically your husband's "friend," you're going into a deep wide forest of the unexpected, and he has that right to stick his own wood in another woman of his choosing if he so pleases. You're just trying to knock the possibility of it because all you see right now is having sex with another man. The marriage should end either way if all you're going to is sleep with others, because once you open this door, there's no closing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I respect your opinion John Michael Kane...I just disagree. But thanks anyways. Sex with another man is something he agreed to for me. I can agree to sex with another woman. NEITHER of us will ever agree to a sex free for all though, and neither of us thinks sex is what makes us married or in love. So you and I just disagee on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I respect your opinion John Michael Kane...I just disagree. But thanks anyways. Sex with another man is something he agreed to for me. I can agree to sex with another woman. NEITHER of us will ever agree to a sex free for all though, and neither of us thinks sex is what makes us married or in love. So you and I just disagee on this one. Okay disagree, doesn't matter. What matters is the vows of marriage are being destroyed, and only you care about getting a "taste" of his "friend." In every situation (including yours) one person in the marriage who slept around openly with their spouse knowing doesn't just stop with one sexual partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuulani Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Alrighty! Thanks again for your time and helping me think through the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 OP.... Are you willing to let your hubby bang any girl of his choosing if the tables reverse? .... because it may verywell come to that one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts