Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Don't want to retell my entire tale here, but suffice it to say my A with a MM is over. I am M too but getting divorced. My AP and I never got caught. I have a friend in a similar situation. Her MM just got caught by his W and now he is trying to get her to stay in the affair with him, while he goes to MC with his W. Back to my situation for a sec, offered him an amazing life with me and he won't leave. I went NC with him a month ago and recently he called me to see if I am ok. Yeah. No thank you. We are not friends. If you want to talk to me leave your W, otherwise get lost. Anyway, went back to NC and told him don't come back around unless you are getting a divorce. After thinking about my situation and my friend's situation, I came to the conclusion that both of these men and 99.9% of the men and women I read about here, who claim to be in love with their AP, but go back to their marriages, are total COWARDS! Ok, I am not condoning my choice to get involved in an affair. It was stupid. Fine. Call it what you will. But, I am leaving my marriage even though my A is over. I know what I want from a man, keyword here being a MAN! I don't want some ball-less wonder who is too afraid of his W to leave and follow his heart. Seriously, it is so NOT SEXY! So what I would say to all of you OW/OM here is, people you deserve better! Go out and find yourself someone worthy of you!! Leave these wimps to their spouses and let them sit around indefinitely in their lousy marriages while you go out and live an amazing life! To me that is the absolute best revenge of all. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Don't want to retell my entire tale here, but suffice it to say my A with a MM is over. I am M too but getting divorced. My AP and I never got caught. I have a friend in a similar situation. Her MM just got caught by his W and now he is trying to get her to stay in the affair with him, while he goes to MC with his W. Back to my situation for a sec, offered him an amazing life with me and he won't leave. I went NC with him a month ago and recently he called me to see if I am ok. Yeah. No thank you. We are not friends. If you want to talk to me leave your W, otherwise get lost. Anyway, went back to NC and told him don't come back around unless you are getting a divorce. After thinking about my situation and my friend's situation, I came to the conclusion that both of these men and 99.9% of the men and women I read about here, who claim to be in love with their AP, but go back to their marriages, are total COWARDS! Ok, I am not condoning my choice to get involved in an affair. It was stupid. Fine. Call it what you will. But, I am leaving my marriage even though my A is over. I know what I want from a man, keyword here being a MAN! I don't want some ball-less wonder who is too afraid of his W to leave and follow his heart. Seriously, it is so NOT SEXY! So what I would say to all of you OW/OM here is, people you deserve better! Go out and find yourself someone worthy of you!! Leave these wimps to their spouses and let them sit around indefinitely in their lousy marriages while you go out and live an amazing life! To me that is the absolute best revenge of all. So they are only cowards if they don't leave? Interesting. I guess you can look at it that way. I see cowards for having the affair in the first place. That was the first cowardly decision, not leaving is just the rest of the donkey that is attached to the tail. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Like your style!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I was one of the few men who was married that had an affair with MW. I did leave and I got my divorce. She however stayed and yes I consider her a coward cause her words never matched her actions. I have to say...that 5 year A taught me a lot about myself and about people who are in these situations. Oh btw don't be so sure they are not living their lives and having fun. I'm sure my xMW loves her life and there will be another one to fill my shoes. It happened before me and it will happen after me. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about MM/MW who keep their AP dangling for, say, 5 or 6 years because there has never been a D Day? Are they cowards too, or just cake eaters? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Don't want to retell my entire tale here, but suffice it to say my A with a MM is over. I am M too but getting divorced. My AP and I never got caught. I have a friend in a similar situation. Her MM just got caught by his W and now he is trying to get her to stay in the affair with him, while he goes to MC with his W. Back to my situation for a sec, offered him an amazing life with me and he won't leave. I went NC with him a month ago and recently he called me to see if I am ok. Yeah. No thank you. We are not friends. If you want to talk to me leave your W, otherwise get lost. Anyway, went back to NC and told him don't come back around unless you are getting a divorce. After thinking about my situation and my friend's situation, I came to the conclusion that both of these men and 99.9% of the men and women I read about here, who claim to be in love with their AP, but go back to their marriages, are total COWARDS! Ok, I am not condoning my choice to get involved in an affair. It was stupid. Fine. Call it what you will. But, I am leaving my marriage even though my A is over. I know what I want from a man, keyword here being a MAN! I don't want some ball-less wonder who is too afraid of his W to leave and follow his heart. Seriously, it is so NOT SEXY! So what I would say to all of you OW/OM here is, people you deserve better! Go out and find yourself someone worthy of you!! Leave these wimps to their spouses and let them sit around indefinitely in their lousy marriages while you go out and live an amazing life! To me that is the absolute best revenge of all. I concur. Good for you! No one said leaving a marriage is a cake walk but we all know people who have, it was hard, but they manned the eff up and did what they needed to do. Heck 50% of marriages are endng in divorce in the U.S. sooo clearly a lot of people can and do leave marriages albeit difficult. So someone who "can't leave" but is "unhappy" and continues to promise and put it off indefinitely, is either a liar or coward or a lying coward. The end. As my lovely granny always says when I would lament that "I can't do xyz"..."I can't is a dwarf too timid to try". And sure enough, I ended up being able to the very thing I said I couldn't. My lovely granny also taught me "Speak the truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will, he who hides the wrong he does, does the wrong thing still" . I think that is where the cowardice comes in...being scared of the "cause it what it will" aspect. But I'm with you, if a man isn't willing to do the right thing and make every effort to be true to himself by realizing what he wants/doesn't want, be truthful to his wife about it and is kids, and make the proper provision to tie up his loose ends and do right by his family and then ultimately me because ....then what have we to talk about? Not a thing. I empathize that it is scary but a man of merit is one who faces his fear, it's not about him having no fear. As you said, I know what I want from a man, and that right there is it...anything else is a no thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I was one of the few men who was married that had an affair with MW. I did leave and I got my divorce. She however stayed and yes I consider her a coward cause her words never matched her actions. I have to say...that 5 year A taught me a lot about myself and about people who are in these situations. Oh btw don't be so sure they are not living their lives and having fun. I'm sure my xMW loves her life and there will be another one to fill my shoes. It happened before me and it will happen after me. I can't see how anyone could be truly happy living their lives in one affair after another. They may kid themselves into believing they are happy. But, really how satisfying is it to live a double life all the time? I guess everyone has different definitions of happiness. To me achieving true intimacy with one person and being with that person in an honest relationship is a lot more satisfying than living a lie and constantly deceiving your spouse and your AP. Some people may get off on lying all the time, but really I don't think people who truly feel good about who they are, would choose that life for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I betcha they love their cake. But as the OP points out, if given the choice between a full meal or just dessert, they choose the meal. I guess they must love the meal more. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about MM/MW who keep their AP dangling for, say, 5 or 6 years because there has never been a D Day? Are they cowards too, or just cake eaters? Do you think they should dump the OW? Consider themselves free of the crazy stalkers? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Glad that you are doing the right thing for yourself by divorcing, reguardless of what your (ex)MM does or doesn't do. I know what I want from a man, keyword here being a MAN! I don't want some ball-less wonder who is too afraid of his W to leave and follow his heart. Some would say a real man wouldn't put himself in a situation where he'd be tempted and cheat, let alone have an affair.. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 OP, good for you for refusing to accept second place! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 . But, really how satisfying is it to live a double life all the time? It happens all the time. One who does that, lives a double is a very skilled liar, as well as very selfish, only thinks of him/herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Dear G: Well said!!! And SO VERY TRUE!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 i concur. Good for you! No one said leaving a marriage is a cake walk but we all know people who have, it was hard, but they manned the eff up and did what they needed to do. Heck 50% of marriages are endng in divorce in the u.s. Sooo clearly a lot of people can and do leave marriages albeit difficult. So someone who "can't leave" but is "unhappy" and continues to promise and put it off indefinitely, is either a liar or coward or a lying coward. The end. As my lovely granny always says when i would lament that "i can't do xyz"..."i can't is a dwarf too timid to try". And sure enough, i ended up being able to the very thing i said i couldn't. My lovely granny also taught me "speak the truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will, he who hides the wrong he does, does the wrong thing still" . I think that is where the cowardice comes in...being scared of the "cause it what it will" aspect. but i'm with you, if a man isn't willing to do the right thing and make every effort to be true to himself by realizing what he wants/doesn't want, be truthful to his wife about it and is kids, and make the proper provision to tie up his loose ends and do right by his family and then ultimately me because ....then what have we to talk about? Not a thing. I empathize that it is scary but a man of merit is one who faces his fear, it's not about him having no fear. As you said, i know what i want from a man, and that right there is it...anything else is a no thanks. amen!! Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 [/b] I can't see how anyone could be truly happy living their lives in one affair after another. They may kid themselves into believing they are happy. But, really how satisfying is it to live a double life all the time? I've learned that some people only know how to live a double life. My xMM is one of them. I was like that to some extent . . . okay with being involved in an affair & not having all of him or even being able to give all of myself to him because of the circumstances [maybe that's what appealed to me about it] . . . not living an authentic life where I could present all of myself [including relationship with xMM] to all the world. At one point I told my therapist about this & she said that everyone has different sides to themselves but most people as they mature can reconcile them & be one authentic true person although you still want to listen to different voices inside yourself & give weight/credence to all of them before going with the one you know to be the real you & who you want to be etc. For a long time I had the 'public' me & the 'private' me & I think I was attracted to xMM because he was very much the same only moreso, & a lot older . . . and she said that I am finally reconciling my two different selves but he never has & may never be able to. It made me feel good to know I was out of that relationship & working on myself, because if someone is really capable of living with that level of deceit all the time & with a double life/ double or multiple selves [& some people truly are . . . no they're not truly happy but that's all they know], they will never be able to love anyone, including themselves, or be honest with anyone, including themselves. I realized I deserved better - a whole relationship with a person who presented the real 'him' to me & to the world, & those sides of him all lined up to be the person I knew him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Glad that you are doing the right thing for yourself by divorcing, reguardless of what your (ex)MM does or doesn't do. Some would say a real man wouldn't put himself in a situation where he'd be tempted and cheat, let alone have an affair.. Not arguing with you whichway, but I am guilty of the same thing. I cheated too. We all make bad choices sometimes. I am not saying it's ok, not condoning it, not looking for forgiveness either. I did what I did and it wasn't the right thing to do for a million reasons. However, in my opinion it is even worse to go have an affair and go BACK to your marriage, when you are in love with someone else, and continue to live the lie indefinitely because you are too scared to own up to what you want. It's also completely pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I don't want some ball-less wonder. Ah.... this just makes me smile. To all those gals out there in that unimaginable pain - you too will find levity! Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 [/b] Not arguing with you whichway, but I am guilty of the same thing. I cheated too. We all make bad choices sometimes. I am not saying it's ok, not condoning it, not looking for forgiveness either. I did what I did and it wasn't the right thing to do for a million reasons. However, in my opinion it is even worse to go have an affair and go BACK to your marriage, when you are in love with someone else, and continue to live the lie indefinitely because you are too scared to own up to what you want. It's also completely pathetic. I think my xMM was a coward but I also think he wanted the life he had with his wife or he wouldn't have gone back/stayed. Many cowards are cake-eaters & vice-versa . . . they want both relationship but when the house of cards crumbled, they save the relationship they truly want [or they are left with no choice because the wife gets rid of them or the OW leaves or both.] So I'm not saying he's not a coward but that doesn't mean he's where he doesn't want to be. Something makes him stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think my xMM was a coward but I also think he wanted the life he had with his wife or he wouldn't have gone back/stayed. Many cowards are cake-eaters & vice-versa . . . they want both relationship but when the house of cards crumbled, they save the relationship they truly want [or they are left with no choice because the wife gets rid of them or the OW leaves or both.] So I'm not saying he's not a coward but that doesn't mean he's where he doesn't want to be. Something makes him stay. I think they stay because it's comfortable, familiar and safe. The definition of courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it. Grow a pair MM/MW! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 [/b] I think they stay because it's comfortable, familiar and safe. The definition of courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it. Grow a pair MM/MW! I have a feeling that a M after D Day is anything but "comfortable." Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 [/b] I think they stay because it's comfortable, familiar and safe. The definition of courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it. Grow a pair MM/MW! Yeah but those are all good reasons to stay married right? I know what you're trying to say & I think it's easier for some people [for some reason, I think it's usually more women] to take risks than others, but part of the reason people get married are for comfort, familiarity & safety. So I just meant, they stay married for the same reason they got married . . . doesn't mean they are excruciatingly happy, or excruciatingly miserable . . . doesn't mean they don't want some side adventure & still cheat, but, they like what the marriage offers them & they probably have feelings for the spouse & so they stay. So I think it's cowardly to cheat, but not cowardly to leave, & not cowardly to stay. It's the cheating that is cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I have a feeling that a M after D Day is anything but "comfortable." Well my MM never had a D day, so he went back to his life as it was. As for my friend whose MM did get caught, his exact words to her were "I just have to go through this MC to get my W off my back, then I can start seeing you again." Doesn't sound like he was all that uncomfortable to me. I know there are a bunch of BS here and I know you think your husbands come back and stay with you because they love you and all that. Well, I hope that works out for you. I would NEVER take back a man who was unfaithful to me, because once you have tasted the apple you never really go back. Just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I have a feeling that a M after D Day is anything but "comfortable." Yeah my xMM said things were horrible after D-Day . . . he was always walking on eggshells & never could predict his wife's moods & was always in the doghouse or being watched or accused & he would make statements like 'I don't think things are going to go back to what they used to be' [ya think, Sherlock?! ha ha]. But still, he stayed. He did everything to show his wife he wanted to stay. It took me a long time to realize he was right where he wanted to be. Yeah he'd have me on the side for as long as I & his wife would let him but when push came to shove he chose to stay even though it was so 'horrible' by his own descriptions of it. I used to take it to mean things wouldn't last & he would leave or she would get tired of it & make him leave. But no, it just meant he was doing everything he could to stay, & complaining that it was horrible. To me it's not cowardly that he stayed but it's cowardly that he stayed while staying in the affair. I finally got disgusted with it but it took a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geminigrl Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Yeah but those are all good reasons to stay married right? I know what you're trying to say & I think it's easier for some people [for some reason, I think it's usually more women] to take risks than others, but part of the reason people get married are for comfort, familiarity & safety. So I just meant, they stay married for the same reason they got married . . . doesn't mean they are excruciatingly happy, or excruciatingly miserable . . . doesn't mean they don't want some side adventure & still cheat, but, they like what the marriage offers them & they probably have feelings for the spouse & so they stay. So I think it's cowardly to cheat, but not cowardly to leave, & not cowardly to stay. It's the cheating that is cowardly. I guess for some people those are good enough reasons. Not for me. I want love, passion and intimacy too. If I wanted to be comfortable, familiar and safe I would move in with my mother...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Well my MM never had a D day, so he went back to his life as it was. As for my friend whose MM did get caught, his exact words to her were "I just have to go through this MC to get my W off my back, then I can start seeing you again." Doesn't sound like he was all that uncomfortable to me. I know there are a bunch of BS here and I know you think your husbands come back and stay with you because they love you and all that. Well, I hope that works out for you. I would NEVER take back a man who was unfaithful to me, because once you have tasted the apple you never really go back. Just saying. Right, your friend's MM was a cake-eater & so was your MM when he was cheating & so were you when you were cheating. For the record I'm not a BS. I do think that most MMs love their wives. Or that there's something good enough in the marriage for them to stay married to their wives. I'm glad that you got out of your marriage because it wasn't right for you. It doesn't mean that people who stay married are cowardly per se. I think it depends on what they chose to do about their marriage. I agree that staying married & cheating is cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
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