I feel so insecure

[honeybeez]

I'm really struggling cos my partner of 2 yrs has to go and visit an ex girlfriend (Barbara) from his dim and distant past (he's 64, I'm 54). Complicated story but in a nutshell it's this....

 

Barbara (who was already an ex of his) bought his house from him when he and another girlfriend (Jacky) split up and he left quite a bit of furniture there as Barbara and her husband had hardly anything at the time, and he didn't have a house to go to immediately. 20 years have gone by and he found out that Barbara and her husband have recently split up, the house is being sold so he's going to pick up his stuff in the next week or so. It’s quite a long journey and there’s no room in the car for me with all his stuff so no way I could go with him, even if I wanted to

 

 

What's eating me up is......

 

After being able to last up to an hour during sex, sometimes longer, my partner has suffered from impotence for about 4 yrs. This means that our sex life consists of lots of work from me before he gets an erection then intercourse that only lasts about a minute, so we have to rely on other methods to satisfy each other, and he acts as though that's enough, but it's really just a compromise for me. He managed great sex with me for the first three weeks then he got viagra which he rationed out (which became a nightmare) when we were in the honeymoon period. It ran out a year ago but he says he can't afford more and won't take up my offer to pay. He accepts it as part of getting older but I feel short changed. He says he wants sex all the time but he's just getting old and can't do it. I agonise over it being something to do with me, or something I do wrong, though he reassured me that it's not me, that it's his problem which started in his 50's, long before he knew me. (No medical reason by the way - he's had the tests). But I can't quite get over the idea that if I were prettier, more curvy, shorter (he's shorter than me), more accomplished etc etc etc then he'd be able to make love to me properly

 

He went out with Barbara about 30 years ago (he's had many, many girlfriends, I know I’m just the most recent in a long line) and during a conversation that I initiated a couple of months ago to try and get him to understand how I feel, I asked him if he used to have sex in different places (at the start we did it on the sofa too but now only in bed, if I try it anywhere else he turns me down. He hardly moves off his back or side). He said yes of course, in fact when he was with Barbara they did it in every room in her house, even the attic - and she especially liked it on the kitchen table! I said I'd thought that's how it would be for me if I was with anyone again but he sadly said he can't do that any more and I need someone younger if that's what I want

 

I thought OMG I was actually in her kitchen once - I must have stood next to the actual table he made love to her on. And I thought what did she have that I don't have?

 

And now he has to go to her house to pick up his stuff. They've stayed friends (as he has with most of his ex's) but I'm tortured by the idea that when he sees her he'll remember how sex was with her and realise that she's really the type of woman who turns him on - she's short with big boobs and has a very accomplished career, kind of exactly opposite to me. And that he'll decide to finish with me. I wish I didn’t feel like this, it’s awful. They say you get more confident as you get older but it doesn’t seem to be happening for me. How do I get through this?