Wth?

[Galatea]

Hello all!

 

I am a long-time lurker who is coming out of the shadows to shine a light on a part of my past that I'm not proud if, yet continues to cause my pain to this day.

 

Three years ago I seemingly had it all: a great job, wonderful friends and family, and most importantly, a husband who adored me. Selfishly, I betrayed the man who loved me and stood by me for 10 years for a torrid affair with a co-worker who dumped me after 4 months. Instead of staying and working on my M like my exH wanted, I decided to separate from him and rebuild my life on my own (I am in my mid-thirties, no children). My exH and I are still friends and speak often, fortunately we've been able to salvage a friendship out of the ashes of our M. I have since found a wonderful man and we've been in a committed R for 2 years now and the subject of M has been discussed. What is my problem, you may be asking yourself. You've rebuilt your life after a painful, life-changing event and come out on the other side happy. Well, let me tell you the source of my angst: exAP.

 

After he ended our A (which started as an EA on both our parts and progressed to a PA), he married his fiancee and they now have a young child. Naturally, I was devastated when I learned these events, the fact that we are co-workers means that I am subjected to updates on his life whether I want them or not! I tried going NC and was successful for about 6 months, as we worked opposite shifts so our paths never crossed. I saw hiim in March in a class we both attended for work and I texted him afterwards to say hi. (I know, insert sound of palm smacking forehead here). We ended up texting for a few minutes and then he asked if I was free to talk. I was, so he called me and we ended up talking for 2 hours, not flirting, just catching up on each other's lives and what we'd been doing in the time we'd been NC. The following week the same thing happened, a 2 hour phone conversation at midnight. After that, we exchanged a few texts here and there, but nothing serious until a few nights ago.

 

My BF lives 4 hours away from me, so I drive over to see him on my days off. On the way home this time I texted exAP to see what he was up to. We ended up texting for 4 1/2 hours that night! Well, I should say, we started out texting, but ended up sexting, at his suggestion I send him a topless pic (I refrained....I'm dumb but I'm not totally out of my mind!). Next month we are working together a couple of times, so he made sexual innuendos about us getting physical on the first day we work together. WTH!!! Of course, my mind goes crazy with glee, as I've missed him greatly over the past 2 1/2 years.

 

Last night I hoped for a repeat performance of our sextcapades, so I texted him while he was on his way home from work. He replied to a movie quote I sent, then went silent. I texted back to ask if he was busy and he replied that he was driving, and now he was "going sleepy." Naturally I was disappointed, as we'd spent 4 1/2 hours happily texting away until 3:15 AM a few days before. I texted back "No fun, such a tease." He replied "Good night." Me "ouch." Him "No, just going to bed." Me "Should I call in sick on the day we work together?" Him "Why, because I'm going to bed?" Me "Just confused that's all. Were you just toying with me the other night?"

 

Then, my wonderful BlackBerry decided to freeze so I had to remove the battery and reboot it. I didn't receive a reply, so I sent him a brief email saying I hoped I didn't bug him, that I thought he might like some company on his drive home, but that the marathon text session from the other night must have worn him out. I jokingly asked if he still wanted to see me at work like we'd discussed. He never replied (not that I expected him to) so now I'm going to leave him alone for the next few days until we have to work together. I just hope it's not awkward. He's the type of guy who lets himself get carried away in the moment, then thinks about what he's done afterward and gets a guilty conscience. I'm wondering if that's what happened here, or if we was truly tired after working 5 late shifts in a row. I knew I should have basked in the afterglow of our sext session, but I had to be greedy and push for more and now I'm doubting his feelings again. The other night was completely out of the blue, we've never been sexual with each other since the A ended and all of a sudden it's hot and steamy again at his urging!! Way to mess with my head!

 

So that's my story, in a nutshell. Any feedback, advice and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[Tenacity]

Hello all!

 

I am a long-time lurker who is coming out of the shadows to shine a light on a part of my past that I'm not proud if, yet continues to cause my pain to this day.

 

Three years ago I seemingly had it all: a great job, wonderful friends and family, and most importantly, a husband who adored me. Selfishly, I betrayed the man who loved me and stood by me for 10 years for a torrid affair with a co-worker who dumped me after 4 months. Instead of staying and working on my M like my exH wanted, I decided to separate from him and rebuild my life on my own (I am in my mid-thirties, no children). My exH and I are still friends and speak often, fortunately we've been able to salvage a friendship out of the ashes of our M. I have since found a wonderful man and we've been in a committed R for 2 years now and the subject of M has been discussed. What is my problem, you may be asking yourself. You've rebuilt your life after a painful, life-changing event and come out on the other side happy. Well, let me tell you the source of my angst: exAP.

 

After he ended our A (which started as an EA on both our parts and progressed to a PA), he married his fiancee and they now have a young child. Naturally, I was devastated when I learned these events, the fact that we are co-workers means that I am subjected to updates on his life whether I want them or not! I tried going NC and was successful for about 6 months, as we worked opposite shifts so our paths never crossed. I saw hiim in March in a class we both attended for work and I texted him afterwards to say hi. (I know, insert sound of palm smacking forehead here). We ended up texting for a few minutes and then he asked if I was free to talk. I was, so he called me and we ended up talking for 2 hours, not flirting, just catching up on each other's lives and what we'd been doing in the time we'd been NC. The following week the same thing happened, a 2 hour phone conversation at midnight. After that, we exchanged a few texts here and there, but nothing serious until a few nights ago.

 

My BF lives 4 hours away from me, so I drive over to see him on my days off. On the way home this time I texted exAP to see what he was up to. We ended up texting for 4 1/2 hours that night! Well, I should say, we started out texting, but ended up sexting, at his suggestion I send him a topless pic (I refrained....I'm dumb but I'm not totally out of my mind!). Next month we are working together a couple of times, so he made sexual innuendos about us getting physical on the first day we work together. WTH!!! Of course, my mind goes crazy with glee, as I've missed him greatly over the past 2 1/2 years.

 

Last night I hoped for a repeat performance of our sextcapades, so I texted him while he was on his way home from work. He replied to a movie quote I sent, then went silent. I texted back to ask if he was busy and he replied that he was driving, and now he was "going sleepy." Naturally I was disappointed, as we'd spent 4 1/2 hours happily texting away until 3:15 AM a few days before. I texted back "No fun, such a tease." He replied "Good night." Me "ouch." Him "No, just going to bed." Me "Should I call in sick on the day we work together?" Him "Why, because I'm going to bed?" Me "Just confused that's all. Were you just toying with me the other night?"

 

Then, my wonderful BlackBerry decided to freeze so I had to remove the battery and reboot it. I didn't receive a reply, so I sent him a brief email saying I hoped I didn't bug him, that I thought he might like some company on his drive home, but that the marathon text session from the other night must have worn him out. I jokingly asked if he still wanted to see me at work like we'd discussed. He never replied (not that I expected him to) so now I'm going to leave him alone for the next few days until we have to work together. I just hope it's not awkward. He's the type of guy who lets himself get carried away in the moment, then thinks about what he's done afterward and gets a guilty conscience. I'm wondering if that's what happened here, or if we was truly tired after working 5 late shifts in a row. I knew I should have basked in the afterglow of our sext session, but I had to be greedy and push for more and now I'm doubting his feelings again. The other night was completely out of the blue, we've never been sexual with each other since the A ended and all of a sudden it's hot and steamy again at his urging!! Way to mess with my head!

 

So that's my story, in a nutshell. Any feedback, advice and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

Sounds like this guy was mainly checking to see if you were available to him and pining for him. And he received assurance that you were, so he lost interest again.

 

I think that men like this get ego boosts from knowing that women other than their significant others desire them sexually. The thrill of the chase. I think that is all that this is. As soon as you make it clear to him that you want more from him, he backs off.

 

I would ignore this man when you see him in the work situation, and anytime that he contacts you afterward. Your first mistake was sending the 'hi' text.

 

This man is NOT your future in any way, shape, or form. Run!!! You will continue to lose your important long-term relationships over this if you keep contacting him and prioritizing him over your real relationships.

 

Trust me, I do know how hard it is to forget, and stop contact.

[Galatea]

Hi Tenacity,

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, everything you said rings so true. The thing is, I know in my logical, rational, intellectual mind that he's no good for me, unfortunately, my base instincts take over and all common sense goes out the window when it comes to exAP. I stopped talking to him when we had to work together last year, to the point where he noticed and sent me a text jokingly commenting on the situation. Sadly for me, NC didn't ease the pain I felt whenever I thought of him, which was often. I would lay awake at night next to me BF thinking of him.

 

I guess I just want to know when the desire to contact him and constant thinking of him will end. It's been 2 1/2 years and this shows no signs of abating. I tried NC and that didn't seem to work, I thought these feelings were supposed to fade in time but in my case that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel like telling him I know he's manipulating me and using me when we work together next month, just to call him out on his mind games and let him think I won't let him control my emotions.

 

Ugh, why is this so hard? When will this constant ache subside? I don't want to lose another R over him, I know we have no future together but I guess I'm just as addicted to the thrill of the chase as he is, unfortunately for me, I can't turn it on and off at will like he seems to be able to do.

 

Thank you again for your support, I need reassurance that I can be strong and put him out of my life.

[chalkfarm]

Sounds like this guy was mainly checking to see if you were available to him and pining for him. And he received assurance that you were, so he lost interest again.

 

I think that men like this get ego boosts from knowing that women other than their significant others desire them sexually. The thrill of the chase. I think that is all that this is. As soon as you make it clear to him that you want more from him, he backs off.

 

I would ignore this man when you see him in the work situation, and anytime that he contacts you afterward. Your first mistake was sending the 'hi' text.

 

This man is NOT your future in any way, shape, or form. Run!!! You will continue to lose your important long-term relationships over this if you keep contacting him and prioritizing him over your real relationships.

 

Trust me, I do know how hard it is to forget, and stop contact.

Wow! Ms Tenacity! Way to give positive reinforcement!

 

My dear Galatea, I trust that you will go NC again (as much as your job allows) and that it will be easier this time around.

 

I can see how easy it would be to get back into "things" with the XAP. There are often so many unanswered questions, feelings left hanging, the sense that "it meant nothing" to him. I totally understand! But perhaps rekindling is not the best choice for you..... perhaps you should walk away now and simply relish the validation he gave you. Revel in your sexy power! The strength you will feel by letting this business with XAP float away is so much better than that melting useless feeling of being involved with an unavailable MM. SO MUCH BETTER!

 

Take care of yourself and take some time to think before you act.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. I'm quite envious of your "wonderful man" BF.

[Galatea]

Hi chalkfarm!

 

Wow, your post brought tears to my eyes! You are soooooo right on the money when you say that rekindling the A is not the right choice for me and I must keep reminding myself of this fact, maybe then it will eventually get through my thick skull.

 

I love the idea of reveling in my sexy power and enjoying that fact that yes, I've still got it (my looks, if not my mind, lol!). We have to work together 3 times next month, I was going to see if he wanted to go to lunch together like we used to and sit and talk for 3 hours after work. Judging from what I've read so far, that would not be a wise move on my part. I do love telling him all about my wonderful new life and my new love, knowing that while I'm out on the boat soaking up the sun with my BF he's at home changing dirty diapers with a rambuctious toddler. During our texts, I told him about my sex life with BF and he was quite jealous. I do get a kick out of letting him know what's he's missing!

 

Yes, my new man is quite wonderful, if I may say so! The unfortunate thing about our R is the fact that we live 4 hours apart, so we only see each other 2-3 times a month, which gives me lots of time at night after work to pine over exAP. He wants me to move in with him, but my job that I love is in my city and there aren't any openings in his town in my company. I've been waiting for a year and so far no joy. I am seriously thinking of looking for a job in another field (even though my current job is my dream job) just to get away from exAP and finally close that chapter in my life for good and start a new life with my BF. The events of the past few days have made me reconsider this option more strongly.

 

I'm so glad I found this board. It's nice to find a place among people who can understand what I'm going through and where I'm not being condemned as a home-wrecking hussy for going after another woman's H. Thanks again for all your kind words, I am taking them to heart and letting them help me to heal.

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought about doing some counselling? you cheated on your husband and now you're coming real close to doing the same thing to your boyfriend. Another great guy. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but something inside of you is broken. You're about to hurt and betray your bf. Infact, you already have by opening that door again with your exMM.

 

Just because you two shared something and the timing was all wrong, and just because you love him doesn't mean he should be in your life .. As a friend, or as an AP.

 

You need to back away, possibly quit your job or ask for a transfer so you won't be tempted with him..

 

Maybe it's time for you to be alone for a while.. Fix you and then find love.

[OldOnTheInside]

you cheated on your husband and now you're coming real close to doing the same thing to your boyfriend. Another great guy.

 

Agreed.

 

If you are as logical, rational, and intellectual as you claim to be, you should realise that your near-repeat behaviour is quite telling of something.

 

Time for some deep introspection I think.

[Galatea]

Well, today I got a response to my email from a couple of days ago. He apologized stating that my message got sent to his junk folder and that there was no need to do what he'd asked me to do in our sexts, that he'd seen all that sort of stuff before. That was the turning point for me, I had well and truly had enough of his mind games. Here's the reply I sent him, verbatim:

 

"The irony of this going to your junk folder is quite telling, seeing as that's all I am to you. Something to stroke your ego then be tossed aside once you've had your fun. Well, finally the game is over. I'm out."

 

I deleted him from my phone, deleted all my saved emails and texts from him (and emptied the Trash folder!) now all that's left is erasing him from my memory, which I think will be doable now that I'm not pining over him anymore. I'm trying to trade the 3 shifts I work with him this month to other co-workers so I won't have to see him. In fact, from now on it's strictly NC....if I ever see him again it will be too soon!!

 

It may have taken 3 years, but I think I finally understand what a manipulative jerk he really is at heart. He followed the same pattern during our A, he would get carried away in the fantasy world, go too far and then pull back due to his guilty conscience. I think I am finally off this rollercoaster for good.

 

I am upset now but I am not sad that it ended, I am just upset at the way I allowed exAP to manipulate my emotions and mess with my mind for so long. After I got his email I pondered the best course of action: to send all of our emails and texts to his W and expose him for the dirtbag he is deep down, to confront him in person and call him out on his behavior, or to go NC. In the end I decided on the latter, I hope I have chosen the right path. Do you agree?

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited July 3, 2011 by Galatea

[fooled once]

Sounds like this guy was mainly checking to see if you were available to him and pining for him. And he received assurance that you were, so he lost interest again.

 

I think that men like this get ego boosts from knowing that women other than their significant others desire them sexually. The thrill of the chase. I think that is all that this is. As soon as you make it clear to him that you want more from him, he backs off.

 

I would ignore this man when you see him in the work situation, and anytime that he contacts you afterward. Your first mistake was sending the 'hi' text.

 

This man is NOT your future in any way, shape, or form. Run!!! You will continue to lose your important long-term relationships over this if you keep contacting him and prioritizing him over your real relationships.

 

Trust me, I do know how hard it is to forget, and stop contact.

 

Have you thought about doing some counselling? you cheated on your husband and now you're coming real close to doing the same thing to your boyfriend. Another great guy. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but something inside of you is broken. You're about to hurt and betray your bf. Infact, you already have by opening that door again with your exMM.

 

Just because you two shared something and the timing was all wrong, and just because you love him doesn't mean he should be in your life .. As a friend, or as an AP.

 

You need to back away, possibly quit your job or ask for a transfer so you won't be tempted with him..

 

Maybe it's time for you to be alone for a while.. Fix you and then find love.

 

Excellent advice T.

 

OP, please break up with your boyfriend. You are not committed to him in any way shape or form. He is just someone you lean on when the pickings are slim with the xAP. The very fact that you were 'sexting' with him shows you have no feelings for the boyfriend. I hope you set him free so he can find someone who will appreciate him and return his feelings.

 

I think you still can't own what you have done and like another poster said, you are sabatoging yet another relationship because of your obsession with the xAP. I think you have some maturing to do and maybe counseling will help you. I think you should examine why you can't be committed to someone and why you keep repeating this behavior. I feel sad for you; because you keep wanting someone who is committed to someone else and maybe that is why you keep hanging onto him? Maybe because he chose someone else, you can't let go until he chooses you? I'm not sure, but life is not going to be fun for you if you continue on this path.

 

Good luck

[Lucky_One]

That was the turning point for me, I had well and truly had enough of his mind games. Here's the reply I sent him, verbatim:

 

"The irony of this going to your junk folder is quite telling, seeing as that's all I am to you. Something to stroke your ego then be tossed aside once you've had your fun. Well, finally the game is over. I'm out."

 

I deleted him from my phone, deleted all my saved emails and texts from him (and emptied the Trash folder!) now all that's left is erasing him from my memory, which I think will be doable now that I'm not pining over him anymore.

 

It may have taken 3 years, but I think I finally understand what a manipulative jerk he really is at heart.

 

I am upset now but I am not sad that it ended, I am just upset at the way I allowed exAP to manipulate my emotions and mess with my mind for so long. After I got his email I pondered the best course of action: to send all of our emails and texts to his W and expose him for the dirtbag he is deep down, to confront him in person and call him out on his behavior, or to go NC.

 

Give me a break.

 

HE is the manipulative one? HE is the one who needs the ego strokes? HE messed with your mind? HE is the dirtbag?

 

Woman, YOU were the one who started this whole thing up again. YOU were the one who went crazy with glee that he still wanted you, who wanted more sexting, you wanted to hook up in a closet at work with the door locked. YOU. YOU showed that you were more than willing to be a sexy little trick, and he took you up on what you were offering. Not many guys pass up a free piece of known a$$.

 

And now you want to bust HIM for being a manipulative cheating jerk? I think it would actually be fairly good justice if your AP were to send your BF YOUR sexts and emails, so he can see that you lay in bed beside him at night and think about some jerk at work.

 

Own your behavior. You were panting for this from the first "hi" text. You instigated. Own it.

[Woman In Blue]

LuckyOne hit it right on the head. While this little married weasel certainly isn't anything to write home about, you're the one who acted embarrassingly desperate for texting attention from him. Who finds any satisfaction in lame texting, anyway? That's pitiful. And then the guy kept trying to get rid of you by telling you he was going to bed and you kept texting and begging him for more. I'm actually embarrassed FOR you.

[spice4life]

Don't take your recent revelation as a sign that you are in the clear. You're not...not at all! Get your rearend into therapy pronto and figure out why you let this happen while you are commited to someone else. Until you figure that out, you are still vulnerable to destroying your current relationship.