The ego is a powerful thing

[robaday]

Hey,

 

Just got broken up with two months ago. Thing is I wanted to break up for months and pushed her away, sabotaged and acted like a total jerk. I was manipulative, cruel and didn't have the balls to finish it.

 

BUT part of me did love her. It was just that I was desperately unhappy, and the bad times outweighed the good by 10-1. Also she wasn't blameless and hacked into emails, read my phone behind my back and became controlling.

 

She broke it off. At first I was relieved and felt an inner calm. Now I'm totally heartbroken. Part of me really wants her back. I know it is probably just the rejection that is hurting. I am confused why I have reacted this badly considering I wanted out, and know that it is just my inflated ego that needed this kicking, needed this wake up call to treat people better in future. I don't deserve another chance with her, and this is probably just me reacting to the rejection, which I have nothing to feel bad about at all.

 

Whoever breaks it off, walks away in a much stronger position. I thought I would be happy but Im not. The ego is a powerful thing!

[TheHurtProcess]

Hey,

 

Just got broken up with two months ago. Thing is I wanted to break up for months and pushed her away, sabotaged and acted like a total jerk. I was manipulative, cruel and didn't have the balls to finish it.

 

BUT part of me did love her. It was just that I was desperately unhappy, and the bad times outweighed the good by 10-1. Also she wasn't blameless and hacked into emails, read my phone behind my back and became controlling.

 

She broke it off. At first I was relieved and felt an inner calm. Now I'm totally heartbroken. Part of me really wants her back. I know it is probably just the rejection that is hurting. I am confused why I have reacted this badly considering I wanted out, and know that it is just my inflated ego that needed this kicking, needed this wake up call to treat people better in future. I don't deserve another chance with her, and this is probably just me reacting to the rejection, which I have nothing to feel bad about at all.

 

Whoever breaks it off, walks away in a much stronger position. I thought I would be happy but Im not. The ego is a powerful thing!

 

You're right bud. I'm in the exact same position. I almost wanted her to go. I hated the relationship at some point. But when she finally left it was like there was this big gaping hole in my chest where she had once resided. Maybe you cared about her more than you believed or perhaps it is just the rejection. I guess you have to look inside yourself to figure it out.

[EgoJoe]

Watch the movie revolver.

[Mnesic]

It's human nature to not appreciate what you have until its gone.. Better luck next time, It happens to the best of us aha.

[Geya]

What kind of jerk manipulative things did you do to push her away? I think you should leave it like that, you were guna get heartbroken wether it was you or her who broke it off, even dumpers feel hurt after a breakup, doesn't mean you should go back, it's a loss you're used to her being there, now it's gone ofcourse you'd feel sad.

[robaday]

I withheld reassurances, but in my defense I wasnt sure I wanted to be with her. I blew up at her for her jealousy, even though in retrospect it was justified (I wasnt cheating) but I guess with hindsight on the outside it did look like i was a player.

 

I expressed doubts about our long term future - they were genuine doubts but I think to her it felt like i was holding a break up over her. I winged and whined and did power plays. I blew hot and cold etc etc.

 

I did deserve this dont get me wrong. I am full of remorse for my behavior, and know in future its not fair to put someone through the proverbial ringer, nor play with their emotions. I have some work to do on myself!

[Leftie88]

Maybe you just need to remember why you were pushing her away and see how you were unhappy, and if you could have done anything to make it better..? If not, then maybe it was for the best. I only say this cause i was in your ex's position except for the monitoring side of it aha

[robaday]

Thanks Leftie.

 

I know what I did wrong. I lose myself in relationships until its the only thing I can think of, the only thing I can dream of. Its a constant feeling of dread when Im in them, a need to escape, a need to protect myself. It's filled with anxiety, panic attacks and distancing.

 

It's basically even at nearly 30 I simply dont have a strong enough identity, which is dificult for me to admit, so I protect myself by not giving myself fully emotionally to them, not being present.

 

For the first six months Im normally fine, but then the commitment phobia kicks in and i want to escape. I cant commit to stay in nor commit to leave, so stay in a state of off on off on which hurts the other person, until eventually they leave.

 

This is the second time this has happened now, so I know this time I need to spend a long time single.

[thelovingkind]

Somewhat similar position here. Actually, we had quite a "nice" relationship but I managed to convince myself that it was mostly just an enjoyable way to pass time during a year in Australia. I was still idly considering plans to leave in several months, etc. and had no sense at all that I was developing a deep attachment to my ex. In the early days he was infatuated, and I was worried that I was playing him because I was more cautious and second guessing my feelings often. Sometimes I'd look at him and try and second guess my attraction to him, although I remained attracted throughout.

 

But man, when his feelings started to disappear, did I turn into a clingy, needy, obsessive, devastated wreck of a person. And after the break up, I cried more than about any single event in my life ever, even though I've been in much longer and more intense relationships.

 

I'm still confused as to whether my half-hearted feelings during the relationship involved my denial mechanism trying to ignore the extent to which I really was becoming attached, or whether I genuinely was only half-committed, but it was my ego that was crushed when he took it away (and I thought I was in control). I'd be keen to hear more people's experiences with this kind of thing too.

[Leftie88]

Hey robaday - i actually posted on here quite recently and someone recommended me the book He's scared She's scared - I've just started reading it and its an interesting read, talking about the idea of commitment phobia. Reading it and i've also realised that i was guilty of being a commitment phobe too and getting into "self destructive" relationships, however its not conclusive but sheds light on some of our relationship patterns. Like yourself, i just need time to be alone now.

[sleepykitten]

Hi, I was also in a relationship for 2 yrs where by b/f during the first yr was totally romantic and said the most wonderful things, made promises etc it was like something out of a movie, then as soon as it got to a yr together he changed, when i suggested moving in, after a yr and 8 mths, something i waited for in the first yr as was just out of a relationship and he desperatly wanted us to, he totally withdrew, he had already become complacent and distant but said he didnt know why. eventually he ended it as i was so unhappy as i didnt know why the man i had first met and fell in love with was now so different. i do think he has commitment issues, he says he wants to get married have kids-not with me i know, but he's 36 has been living at home for 3 yrs, his last relationship ended when his g/f asked where is this going he said "i dont love u anymore" and moved back home. He has never rented a place lived on his own or with just a g/f, he earns enough to be renting or even buying but chooses to stay at his parents where his mum does everything and i mean everything, all he has to do is go to work, and he goes out all the time, he doesnt even need to go into a supermarket! I dont think he realises at all that he may have some issues. Any comments or thoughts on this would be greatly appriciated as i have struggled to deal with the rejection.

[Exit]

Yeah I posted a thread about how the ego factors in a while back. I noticed that since the break up, and remaining in touch with my ex, if we would have a bad day and she'd tell me we're absolutely done for good, I would come home destroyed and crying. If we had a good day, where I could still tell that she was interested in me, saw some hope for the future or a second chance, I'd come home thinking "I could live without her".

 

And like OP said, I know I was unhappy in my relationship as well. There were a few months during the winter where I really felt attracted to one of my other friends and became a bit distant from my ex and thinking I might want the other person instead. And there were times earlier in the relationship where I remember telling family members that maybe my ex and I should just be friends, that she's a really cool person but she's kinda strange and I just didn't know how I felt for her. Yet now that she dumped me.... I feel she was the love of my life.

 

The ego truly is a whiny little child. It WOULD be so much easier on us if we had left these people instead of the other way around. Rejection and abandonment just makes it hard to deal with.

[TheHurtProcess]

I withheld reassurances, but in my defense I wasnt sure I wanted to be with her. I blew up at her for her jealousy, even though in retrospect it was justified (I wasnt cheating) but I guess with hindsight on the outside it did look like i was a player.

 

I expressed doubts about our long term future - they were genuine doubts but I think to her it felt like i was holding a break up over her. I winged and whined and did power plays. I blew hot and cold etc etc.

 

I did deserve this dont get me wrong. I am full of remorse for my behavior, and know in future its not fair to put someone through the proverbial ringer, nor play with their emotions. I have some work to do on myself!

 

Trust me bro. You may not realize it now, but I truthfully believe that you dodged a bullet there. I was the same way for a good portion of my relationship, at the beginning especially. I refused to open my heart because I feared getting hurt again. Besides, she's only 21 (19 when we met) and I'm 28 (26 then). I knew at some point, she was going to go through that "party it up" stage in life as I've done. Just about everyone goes through that stage around that age.

 

I was cold, distant and I had serious doubts pertaining to our future and whether I saw her as the mother of my future children (I have one child from a previous relationship) and so on. The moment I opened my heart, it's as if she realized that she had everything she wanted and started backing off, acting almost as how I did previously. It's like the tables had turned and the roles had totally switched. Fast forward to about a month ago and here we are breaking up.

 

Regardless of how you feel now, it's inevitable that you two would have broken up at some point in time. So, don't be so hard on yourself. Wouldn't you rather get over a mild case of the blues, rather than full-blown heartbreak and depression? Things may have very well ended on much worse terms a month from now had you changed and allowed her in. Think about it.

 

And females wonder why males tend to close their hearts off to the rest of the world. No offense to any females who are here right now, going through the same problems. I speak of a certain class of female that is only going to get worse in the coming generations.

[Geya]

I was on the other end of this, I was with a guy who blew hot and cold, didn't know what he wanted and after being so cold that I breakup wiht him, he comes back, this happened over 3 times. My advice to you would be never go back, you'll just hurt her more you'll give her hope and then you know you'll breakup again because unless you fixed your issues on your own you won't commit. I was really hating my ex before I read this cuz I thought he was jerk/liar but after reading this it made me abit confused, for some reason it was painful to read because it reminded me of what was

[samm84]

I wouldn't blame yourself too much, I'm sure there were reasons on her part why you were unhappy and pushing her away. Everyone looks back after a break up and feels nostalgic, you just have to remember that the relationship wasn't working.

[Mack05]

Good post Roba and I agree with a lot of it. I think for me if it doesn't feel right in future, leave. In the past I stayed, hoping things would work themselves out but they never do.. It saves a lot of hurt and heartbreak for both partners...You need more then love to make a relationship work. Trust, honesty, compassion, loyalty, sincercity, empathy and especially Compatabilty. If your views on life are different it is a massive obstacle to overcome..

 

My new motto going forward. "If in doubt, get out!". I'd rather be single then staying in a relationship where are standards and views on life are totally different. You need more then love and a special connection to survive longterm..

Edited July 1, 2011 by Mack05

[hearttopieces]

Hi robaday,

 

I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. It has given me a new perspective on how my ex BF could be feeling now, and why has he reached out to me twice in the past 5 weeks despite the NC break up.

And of course I agree with you, the ego is a powerful thing. Not only is it hard to deal with rejection (even if you were the dumper and they don't respond to you), but also because it might trick you into believeing you want them back... while it is only your ego speaking.

[robaday]

"I'm sure there were reasons on her part why you were unhappy and pushing her away"

 

Yeah, incredible insecurity on her part, to the extent I actually stopped mentioning a female aquantances name in front of her for fear of upsetting her. I became a person I didn't like, anxious and nervous a lot of the time. But hey, I aint an affectionate person and do have issues giving verbal reassurance, i find it hard to even say I miss you to someone, so i know that thats something that contributed to it.

 

Part of me wondered whether she was in fact cheating sometimes, the level of distrust I was faced with. But part of me did love the drama I have to admit, it was addictive, crazy sex, arguments, it was toxic but something kept me stuck:)

 

I was really hating my ex before I read this cuz I thought he was jerk/liar but after reading this it made me abit confused, for some reason it was painful to read because it reminded me of what was

 

There's always two sides to something. Someone coming back to you, isnt necessarily doing it because you are easy, or because their latest fling fell through, they could really want it to work, and they could hold you in very high regard if you were good to them. In my case I always wanted it to work, and yes there had been breaks before this final one. I did genuinely have a lot of love for her. And I wasnt the only one with issues at all. Yeah I did screw up, yeah I was a jerk, but I am not totally blameless either. I offered counselling, she refused to go, I quit hanging out with a group of friends because they made her insecure (partly for good reason), I offered to give her my email log in details as well as facebook - she declined.

 

My advice to you would be never go back, you'll just hurt her more you'll give her hope and then you know you'll breakup again because unless you fixed your issues on your own you won't commit.

 

Thanks for the advice. I have no intention of going back. It's going to be immensely dificult letting go because part of me will always want it to work, and due to the loss of people in tragedies early in life I sometimes really cannot comprehend someone gone for good. But for her, for the love we had i will let go and wish her the very best.

[fiat500]

For some reason, skimming through your posts out of order real quick, I almost had a heart attack because I thought you were my ex up until I read the part where you say your former girlfriend went into your emails and phone.

 

But thank you for presenting a different side to the story, robaday. Do you really think you would have felt as bad as you do now or have done some retrospection and introspection if you had initiated the separation? Just curious.

 

However, I give you a lot of credit for recognizing your issues with distancing in relationships. My ex would not have the BALLS to recognize these same issues let alone try to fix them since he probably doesn't want to shatter his delusion of being a good guy.

 

You're absolutely f##king right about the one who breaks it off having more power. Because in the end it was their final decision and they don't have to care.

 

I would kill for my ex to one day come back and talk with me. About everything. I cared for him. But of course he never will since he was the dumper.

[AlisaMarie]

For some reason, skimming through your posts out of order real quick, I almost had a heart attack because I thought you were my ex up until I read the part where you say your former girlfriend went into your emails and phone.

 

But thank you for presenting a different side to the story, robaday. Do you really think you would have felt as bad as you do now or have done some retrospection and introspection if you had initiated the separation? Just curious.

 

However, I give you a lot of credit for recognizing your issues with distancing in relationships. My ex would not have the BALLS to recognize these same issues let alone try to fix them since he probably doesn't want to shatter his delusion of being a good guy.

 

You're absolutely f##king right about the one who breaks it off having more power. Because in the end it was their final decision and they don't have to care.

 

I would kill for my ex to one day come back and talk with me. About everything. I cared for him. But of course he never will since he was the dumper.

I ALWAYS think my ex is on here ... some of the stories I read and think... could it be? lol!

[robaday]

Do you really think you would have felt as bad as you do now or have done some retrospection and introspection if you had initiated the separation?

 

It was basically this. I wanted out for sometime. But the last month or so I started coming round again, and was making an effort, but by this point I had driven her away - it was too late for apologies, too late to be present.

 

I accepted it but wasn't ready to separate if that makes any sense? I know you dont have many chances in life to find someone you are attracted to, get along with and have great times with, its rare. But I am honest enough to know that I always had doubts about her, which saddened me. Some days I really hated myself for not being crazy about her because she had so many amazing qualities. But I always had doubts and toward the end it became impossible for her to carry on. Im not sure Im making sense here - I loved her as a person, cared about her immensely, was incredibly attracted to her. But for whatever reason I was never crazy about her, and that's what makes this so sad in a way, I wanted to love her as much as she loved me.

[fiat500]

AlisaMarie - only in our wildest dreams right?

 

robaday - I get it. I do. It's a sucky one way street. One person genuinely loves the other person, but it is not quite the same way on the opposite side.

 

My ex wouldn't let me let go until he was ready to separate. Which confused and angered me by the time he made up his mind and never looked back. I kick myself for not being the one to severe the ties first, I was too much in love with him to be pessimistic. I was crazy about him. I guess I realized toward the end he didn't feel the same way about me but I wanted to give him a chance because I really wanted a chance. There were other factors too that made it easy for him to dump me coldly over a social network though. He was away at college. Girlfriends are pretty easy to acquire while you're there, so replacing me would be a snap of the fingers.

 

it's just funny how you can feel different things depending on who closes the book on a relationship first. I honestly think I would have been in a better position than I am now if I had gotten to it first. I still love him. But maybe the hurt wouldn't be as deep and as lingering..

[O_O]

And females wonder why males tend to close their hearts off to the rest of the world. No offense to any females who are here right now, going through the same problems. I speak of a certain class of female that is only going to get worse in the coming generations.

 

I'm a woman who just had an experience very similar to yours. I was wary, and he pushed at me to become more attached. When I did start to grow attached is when he started to become cold and distant. That happened twice, actually. The first time I was not so attached and was coming to terms with the possibility that the relationship was going to end when he showed up begging for my forgiveness for pushing me away. The second time I was more attached, and he went into full blown a**hole mode and treated me like ****. Personally I think there's a lot of ego that goes into that type of behavior as well. The person seeks validation desperately, and when they finally receive it they lose interest and withdraw affection. If validation is taken away, suddenly they crave it again. I agree with you that this type of behavior is probably going to increase in the future given that attention-seeking behavior is encouraged by our current society, although I think it's going to go up in both genders.

 

OP, it may help your ego to know that she didn't reject you, she rejected your behavior. Rightfully so, to be honest (and I'm glad you've resolved not to do that again). Still, you weren't open and sincere about your feelings, so it wasn't really you who was rejected, it was the guy you became when you stuffed your feelings down and behaved in this way.

 

Just a general thought about whether or not it's better to be the one who ends things - you feel what you feel, and you still have to deal with those feelings whether or not you're the one to end it.

[robaday]

Ive analyzed it a lot, as is my habit.

 

I have since apologized to her for my part in the break up, she's been lovely about it and we left on good terms. I felt I needed to say my bit, that it had been worthwhile, that I think very highly of her, and had some amazing times with her.

 

It was clear she still loved me, and if anything we were closer after the break up than before - as in we treated each other far better than we did during the relationship.

 

Whilst I am really missing her now she's gone, I'm just grateful for a relatively peaceful ending, an ending on good terms, because so many relationships end with both people hating each other, so many end with bitterness and loathing and with all feelings gone. Neither of us has said a bad word to the other, and we have walked away with mutual fondness.

 

Me, well this is a learning curve. One, that I could have done more to make her feel secure. two that I probably felt more for her than I dared to admit. three that its always good to part on good terms. four, that if i am ever desperately unhappy like that again, i need to get out to prevent the other person suffering so much.

[Mack05]

 

Me, well this is a learning curve. One, that I could have done more to make her feel secure. two that I probably felt more for her than I dared to admit. three that its always good to part on good terms. four, that if i am ever desperately unhappy like that again, i need to get out to prevent the other person suffering so much.

 

Roba for me thats the lesson there. I didn't leave the relationship when I should have and now my ex hates my guts. Live and learn as they say. It's great you parted on such good terms...