Verbal abuse

[huggs]

Hi there. My name is Raven and this is a little insight on me and the boyfriend. We were together for 2 years and this past weekend it all ended. It’s nice to find a place where I am not alone.

 

Things started off wonderful. But isn’t that how nightmares start. He knew everything about me and I felt safe telling him all my secrets even though he told me nothing about him. Things I did find out were by chance. But I was determined to be happy so I put the blinders on and saw not the real him but who I wanted him to be.

 

First it started with the petty fights. He wouldn’t notice the clean house but he did notice that one spoon in the sink. But the little fights turned into huge ones that I never saw coming. Things that we secret and painful that I trusted him with were now being thrown at me like I was on trial for murder. He knew they would hurt and when I would cry he would get mad and blame his s*** throwing on me. I made him do that to me. Like I asked to be knocked down. He never cared. Stupid man. Stupid blinders. I thought we all have our bad days but his turned into months. Everything that went wrong became my fault. Then the name-calling came into play. But once again I made him say those things. To him I was stupid, selfish, lazy and to think those were the nice things. And when I would have enough and finally brake and end up curled in a ball on the floor like a beaten child what would he do? Say I was weak minded and I need to be more like an adult.

 

Many times went by that I didn’t say a word to him. Not because I didn’t have anything to say but in fear what ever I did say he would throw at me when I was down. That made me selfish. A safety defense my mind made to protect me from his verbal abuse made me selfish.

 

 

What I don’t get is how nice he was to everyone. They could not believe the things I would tell them. The masks we wear. I don’t know how he did it all these years. But I knew the real him. Horrible and mean.

 

One day his words didn’t hurt anymore, oh they stung a little. I didn’t care about him anymore. The blinders came off and I spent one night thinking about all the horrible names he called me and finally believed I was not a single one. Do I regret us, no. Taught me what I will never tolerate again. Lesson learned.

[miz_barby]

It's very nice to know that you are now out of that relationship!!! Sounds like he was a real nightmare.......it doesn't suprise me that no one else saw the real him. Men like that tend to be so good at their deception that no matter what the women he abuses see, they won't be able to convinve anyone else who know that man. Was he extremely jealous to? Did he accuse you of cheating a lot (this tends to be a pattern among these jerks)?

 

I too was with an abusive man, an alcoholic who was both verbally and physically abusive! I was 16 when I met him, married him when I was 18 then finally got the courage to leave him when I was 20!!! Trust me I know all about the verbal abuse...

 

At first I think most of us tend to believe it's OUR fault but clearly it's NOT!!! The guys pick at every little flaw or (to them what seems like a flaw) and blow it up, harp on it. Make us feel that when we get upset we are dumb and childish! They tend to make us feel lower than low and isolate us from our friends and family! The more they hurt people it tends to be the weaker the other becomes....some people never make it out, they crumble under that person's thumb but thankfully the stronger ones (Like YOU and me) got out and got our pride back.

 

Sorry to have made this so long but I just have to say congradulations for getting out and just make sure the next man you get involve with isn't such a looser!!!

[AtomicOrphan]

Note the way he needs to shame you. He is compelled to constantly find fault with you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough.

 

I'll bet his family treated him the same way. It's cyclical. If he has children, he'll do to them what he does to you. His children will repeat this dysfunctional pattern with their own. I call it shame. Shaming can range from subtle guilt trips to verbal abuse, and all the way to felony battery.

 

I believe the most important thing to remember is that it's not YOUR problem. It's HIS. Heck, even if you DID do something inconsiderate or unkind, his manner of response is still wrong. It is still indicative of his personal pathology.

 

I can't tell you your business, but I'd say it's not your mission in life to put up with this guy. I know a lot of people get ensared in abusive relationships and have difficulty extricating themselves for a myriad of reasons. Fortunately, there are a lot more resources available--practical, psychological, and legal--for women who need to end an abusive relationship.

 

Best of luck.

 

A-O

[reasontosigh]

Hi, Raven!

 

I'm also relieved you're not with this a$$clown (to use Arabess' favorite word!) anymore.

 

As you can see, there's quite a few of us here who've been there done that too!

[spencer]

incredible story and you didn't waste to much time with him, like i did.

a good read is THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP .

i also have two friend i let borrow this book...their divorced now...go figure.

congratulations.

[longlegzs80]

You did a very very very good thing. I too just got out of a verbally abusive relationship where the guy would be nice to everyone else and sugar coat it, and then when he did not get his way with me, he would take it out on me by YELLING at me. It came to the point where I took him back, not once, not twice but I let him do this to me. And it came to the point where I needed the support on here to figure out what to do.

 

Now, this guy is begging me back, and I won't go back to him. I can't. He says what we had was little arguments but I did not consider them little. Anyways, you did the right thing. He was a major losser and you can do so so so so much better then him.

 

Not sure where all the good guys are, but hope they are around somewhere to date us hottie women.

[xminer50]

We all argue its part off life were we get to know one another.That way,

 

But theres two side to every story 2 years is nothing > wait until you have been in a relationship for twenty years with kids .

no matter what , you will find some one else and you will argue again.

 

It sound like you have not really tried .make it work verbal abuse.behind close doors happens between lots of people . you have too stand up too it.

 

If you don't none off your relationships will ever work.and as for your past its nobody business . nexts boy friend do not kiss an tell

 

Don't try and mold him into some think.let mold himself.

[xminer50]

Originally posted by xminer50

We all argue its part off life were we get to know one another.That way,

 

But theres two side to every story 2 years is nothing > wait until you have been in a relationship for twenty years with kids .

no matter what , you will find some one else and you will argue again.

 

It sound like you have not really tried .make it work verbal abuse.behind close doors happens between lots of people . you have too stand up too it.

 

If you don't none off your relationships will ever work.and as for your past its nobody business . nexts boy friend do not kiss an tell

 

Don't try and mold him into some think.let mold himself.

my mum used to say[ stick and stone will hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me]

[confused76]

Dear Raven,

 

I just got done reading your posted message. Sounds so much of what i am going through right now. I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is very verbal abusive. I feel like i have to walk on eggshells around him. Scared if i do or say something wrong. Everything is my fault. I am selfish,lasy, stupid. That i ask for it. He screams over everything. He yelled at me,because i used his favorite pen,or i didn't put the toliet paper on right. I just got a new job, and i will be working part-time. I really tried hard to get this job, since i just moved back from pa to ny, to be with him. When i called to tell him i got it, when he heard the word part-time,, he started yelling! saying i should go back int here and tell them no, that i can't take it, if they could not give me full-time. Not even a congrats or good job. I feel like nothing i do pleases him. Any advice??