Met on dating site, he's married, and I don't care...

[OWoman]

You know that is a good rule of thumb.......need support board.......nope OUT the door you go and don't let it hit you in the ass.

 

So your advice to everyone who has ever posted on the M&LP board is to get a D; likewise to everyone who has ever posted on Infidelity; and to everyone who has ever posted on the parenting board, they should put their kids up for adoption? That's pretty extreme. Would you apply the same view to anyone who seeks couples / R counselling (including those couples who go for counselling before getting M) or family counselling, or who chats to a friend about irritation about the way their SO drops his underwear next to the laundry basket instead of in it?

[Got it]

Ditto...

 

My stance is and will always be: if my relationship needs a support board, then it's a relationship I can't be bothered with.

 

Just my personal preference.

 

Then why are you here? If the idea is only people who need support are here?

[cheergirl]

Ditto...

 

My stance is and will always be: if my relationship needs a support board, then it's a relationship I can't be bothered with.

 

Just my personal preference.

 

I don't need a support board. I am exploring my feelings in an unfamiliar situation on an anonymous public forum about this topic.

I believe that is the purpose of this board.

If my child has special needs and I feel the need to discuss it on a public forum, "should I not be bothered with" him either?

These are issues in MY life and I shall discuss them how, when, and where I deem appropriate, I trust you will do the same...

[cheergirl]

So your advice to everyone who has ever posted on the M&LP board is to get a D; likewise to everyone who has ever posted on Infidelity; and to everyone who has ever posted on the parenting board, they should put their kids up for adoption? That's pretty extreme. Would you apply the same view to anyone who seeks couples / R counselling (including those couples who go for counselling before getting M) or family counselling, or who chats to a friend about irritation about the way their SO drops his underwear next to the laundry basket instead of in it?

 

Perfect response....

[Glinda]

I've always found SGs to be far more of a risk and potential liability than MMs

Risk of what? Potential liability of what? That a *gasp* SINGLE man might develop feelings for a single gal?

 

My, what a twisted world we live in.

[SoleMate]

Why not a single FWB? They're pretty darned easy to find and there's less headache in the end. Is there something specific about a MM that entices you?

I've asked this question many times of the "unapologetic OW" on this forum, and I never heard a reply that made any sense relative to the facts as I know them, which are that a woman seeking casual sex can have her pick of men, any number of them, and change them whenever she wants for the fun, variety, and control of it. Many of these single men would also be willing to shower a fun, sex-positive woman with all kinds of pampering. And of course she is free to move on whenever the freshness fades or she doesn't like the way things are going. And also has a 97% chance of being able to return for her choice of fun, on her schedule, when she wants. SO different from an affair with a MM!

 

I believe that many of these deliberate, "unapologetic" OW are:

 

1) deceiving themselves when they say they do not want love and commitment (they actually do, they are just afraid to admit it because they believe they have no real chance for it, often because of past hurts or low self-esteem), and/or

 

2) energized by the idea of competing with the wife and somehow "winning" the competition, to the extent they get her husband into bed and pull the wool over the wife's eyes (as to why someone would find this satisfying, see #1 above)

 

The simple fact that "unapologetic OW" feel the need to come on her and post about their setup, and solicit input, makes it clear that they themselves are questioning what they're doing. You won't ever see people like me posting, "I live with my boyfriend - anyone like me out there?" "I have two kids and a demanding job that doesn't provide enough intellectual challenge - anyone like me out there?" "I want to remodel my kitchen but am having trouble finding a contractor - anyone like me out there?" etc.

 

You know, it may be fine for a woman who truly knows what she is doing, and is in her Mrs. Robinson mindset, to have an A with a MM simply for sex. That is her personal decision which she has NO NEED to crow about or even discuss. However, when such an OW comes on a public forum and talks up affairs, saying how great and fulfilling and successful they are, trying to whip up any shreds of positive input, even from trolls, I feel that is VERY DANGEROUS misinformation that could mislead younger, less-experienced, more-hopeful women into accepting situations that lead to heartbreak, bitterness, humiliation, and waste of many precious years of her life. The toll taken by affairs on overly trusting OW (and yes, wives and others, but that is not my topic here) that I have learned about via Loveshack is simply staggering in numbers and heart-rending in degree.

 

So, "unapologetic OW", go ahead and keep doing exactly what you're doing IN PRIVATE. I'll never be the one to interfere with your fun. Just keep quiet about it. Stop spreading the lie that affairs are typically fun and fulfilling for OW. They're not. (Why even bother spreading the lie? Is the "unapologetic OW" getting a commission for each person she convinces? Why would she need to have others comment on and approve her choices?)

 

Or if you do feel the need to evangelize for affairs for OW, do it in person, face-to-face, so the person you're selling it to can judge your sincerity and authenticity.

[woinlove]

 

I believe that many of these deliberate, "unapologetic" OW are:

 

1) deceiving themselves when they say they do not want love and commitment (they actually do, they are just afraid to admit it because they believe they have no real chance for it, often because of past hurts or low self-esteem), and/or

 

2) energized by the idea of competing with the wife and somehow "winning" the competition, to the extent they get her husband into bed and pull the wool over the wife's eyes (as to why someone would find this satisfying, see #1 above)

 

The simple fact that "unapologetic OW" feel the need to come on her and post about their setup, and solicit input, makes it clear that they themselves are questioning what they're doing. You won't ever see people like me posting, "I live with my boyfriend - anyone like me out there?" "I have two kids and a demanding job that doesn't provide enough intellectual challenge - anyone like me out there?" "I want to remodel my kitchen but am having trouble finding a contractor - anyone like me out there?" etc.

 

You know, it may be fine for a woman who truly knows what she is doing, and is in her Mrs. Robinson mindset, to have an A with a MM simply for sex. That is her personal decision which she has NO NEED to crow about or even discuss. However, when such an OW comes on a public forum and talks up affairs, saying how great and fulfilling and successful they are, trying to whip up any shreds of positive input, even from trolls, I feel that is VERY DANGEROUS misinformation that could mislead younger, less-experienced, more-hopeful women into accepting situations that lead to heartbreak, bitterness, humiliation, and waste of many precious years of her life. The toll taken by affairs on overly trusting OW (and yes, wives and others, but that is not my topic here) that I have learned about via Loveshack is simply staggering in numbers and heart-rending in degree.

 

So, "unapologetic OW", go ahead and keep doing exactly what you're doing IN PRIVATE. I'll never be the one to interfere with your fun. Just keep quiet about it. Stop spreading the lie that affairs are typically fun and fulfilling for OW. They're not. (Why even bother spreading the lie? Is the "unapologetic OW" getting a commission for each person she convinces? Why would she need to have others comment on and approve her choices?)

 

Or if you do feel the need to evangelize for affairs for OW, do it in person, face-to-face, so the person you're selling it to can judge your sincerity and authenticity.

 

On wanting love/commitment, despite saying otherwise, some people who don't care are not capable of much love or commitment themselves. That was the case for me. Not sure about the winning aspect as I really did not want my MM to leave his W and dropped the MM if that was a real threat. However, I also would not have come on a public forum asking if there were others like me, as I really did not care. It's possible one does care at some level if one wants to know about others, but one could still be pretty far away from acknowledging that.

[cheergirl]

Just to say, everyone's life experience is different. I would not be arrogant enough to judge someone's behaviour/life without having the facts.

Even then, it's not my place to judge.

To all the BWs who came on and started bitching at me; I am not interested.

Really, I am not. Really...

I am primarily interested in speaking, communicating with calm, reasonable, non-judgemental women/men who may have some experience with my particular situation. good, bad or otherwise...That is all.

Not some rude, self-appointed arbiter of morality telling me I am "bad", "wrong"... My world view is not so black and white, not anymore...

I could come on and and start judging you all about why your husband/wife left your marital bed.

1. were you a good wife/husband?

2. or were you nagging and disrespectful?

3. did you take care of your physical appearance or "let yourself go"?

4. did you take care of his/her sexual needs or even bother to find out what they truly were?

5. did you take an active interest in his/her interests?

5. did you appreciate him?

 

There are 2 sides to every story and sorry, I don't buy the whole "every "betrayed" spouse is a perfect saint and every adulterous spouse is the scum of the earth" Life is more complicated than that... Just sayin'...

[Tenacity]

Just to say, everyone's life experience is different. I would not be arrogant enough to judge someone's behaviour/life without having the facts.

Even then, it's not my place to judge.

To all the BWs who came on and started bitching at me; I am not interested.

Really, I am not. Really...

I am primarily interested in speaking, communicating with calm, reasonable, non-judgemental women/men who may have some experience with my particular situation. good, bad or otherwise...That is all.

Not some rude, self-appointed arbiter of morality telling me I am "bad", "wrong"... My world view is not so black and white, not anymore...

I could come on and and start judging you all about why your husband/wife left your marital bed.

1. were you a good wife/husband?

2. or were you nagging and disrespectful?

3. did you take care of your physical appearance or "let yourself go"?

4. did you take care of his/her sexual needs or even bother to find out what they truly were?

5. did you take an active interest in his/her interests?

5. did you appreciate him?

 

There are 2 sides to every story and sorry, I don't buy the whole "every "betrayed" spouse is a perfect saint and every adulterous spouse is the scum of the earth" Life is more complicated than that... Just sayin'...

 

You should not make assumptions that every woman who posted on your thread is a BS. Many are not. I am an ex-OW.

[cheergirl]

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Evelyn Beatrice Hall

[cheergirl]

You should not make assumptions that every woman who posted on your thread is a BS. Many are not. I am an ex-OW.

Bully for you Miss Tenacity...

I didn't make assumptions that every woman who posted is a BS. Most people identify themselves and I can read.

That particular post was directed at the "BS"s to whom it was directed, so I guess that's not you...

[Tenacity]

Bully for you Miss Tenacity...

I didn't make assumptions that every woman who posted is a BS. Most people identify themselves and I can read.

That particular post was directed at the "BS"s to whom it was directed, so I guess that's not you...

 

Actually, a great many of the people who posted to your thread are fOW.

 

You certainly have the right to post and find others in your situation. The point that everyone made, and that you continue not to address, is that it's odd that, if you were content and happy and not in need of support, that you would feel the need to psychoanalyze WHY you don't care that he's married. You just wouldn't care, so by definition, why analyze it?

 

The reason you are getting so many posts in disagreement is that so many of us, on both sides, found out the hard way the kind of pain that A's cause innocent people. Not just the BS but the children as well. It destroys people's worlds!

 

Would this MM find it elsewhere if not with you? I'm sure he would. With someone else exactly like you, who doesn't care if they take part in destroying lives.

 

Have you ever thought what would happen if this MM's wife finds out (who knows, maybe he will even tell her; you don't know this guy's intentions) and flips out? Do you think that BS's have never enacted violence to those who they might feel have 'stolen' (I don't care how you define it) their H? My MM's W threatened me. I'm only lucky that she didn't choose to act on it. Who knows, she still may. If that happened, I'm sure your 'I don't care' attitude would suddenly change! How is it worth that risk, if you can just as easily choose someone single? Why not just do that?

[jwi71]

Just to say, everyone's life experience is different. I would not be arrogant enough to judge someone's behaviour/life without having the facts.

Even then, it's not my place to judge.

To all the BWs who came on and started bitching at me; I am not interested.

Really, I am not. Really...

I am primarily interested in speaking, communicating with calm, reasonable, non-judgemental women/men who may have some experience with my particular situation. good, bad or otherwise...That is all.

Not some rude, self-appointed arbiter of morality telling me I am "bad", "wrong"... My world view is not so black and white, not anymore...

I could come on and and start judging you all about why your husband/wife left your marital bed.

1. were you a good wife/husband?

2. or were you nagging and disrespectful?

3. did you take care of your physical appearance or "let yourself go"?

4. did you take care of his/her sexual needs or even bother to find out what they truly were?

5. did you take an active interest in his/her interests?

5. did you appreciate him?

 

There are 2 sides to every story and sorry, I don't buy the whole "every "betrayed" spouse is a perfect saint and every adulterous spouse is the scum of the earth" Life is more complicated than that... Just sayin'...

 

CG, presentation is everything.

 

And people react to it both here and IRL.

 

Witness the above. It is, in my view, very "challenging". What response do you expect to receive when posting like that? Some of the very replies you are railing against are in response to things such as this in an already emotionally charge topic.

 

Honestly, posts like that seem very angry to me. At least, there is some clear emotional investment to the subject at hand. Which is not what you have claimed. And that's the rub that many, BS and OW alike, have pointed out.

 

If you had no (or very little) emotional investment in your situation then why post?

Why the need to seek guidance for something that means so little?

 

That is how you are perceived here. That is what people want you to see for yourself: Its very possible to be in the deep end without realizing it - its called falling in love. And, in the confines of an A, is VERY different from Hallmark or Hollywood love. Its brutal. Just read here and elsewhere of OW needing support.

 

And you CAN get some wonderful and poignant advice from all sides of the triangle (which I feel is MOST beneficial). Of course, to get that advice you WILL receive emotional posts in return - some unwarranted. Try and ignore those. But you can do more - you can alter the presentation of HOW YOU POST to minimize the likelihood of getting such charged responses.

 

Because presentation is everything.

[Emme]

Cheergirl, I wish you well. Many here in a sense have been trying to keep you from walking the path we did and it's come across as being harsh. That was not my intention. Remember what I said about never say never. In life sometimes you have to live and learn. No one can stop you from what you have chosen to do. Live your life the way you want. Either way like I said LS will be here for you when or if you need it.

[Loni]

The title of her post alone was meant to be inflammatory which is why I did not take the Original poster seriously. I think it's nuts to go looking for MM to date. I understand meeting someone that you end up developing feelings for but to go LOOKING for it?

[John Michael Kane]

The title of her post alone was meant to be inflammatory which is why I did not take the Original poster seriously.

 

I agree fully.

[cheergirl]

The title of her post alone was meant to be inflammatory which is why I did not take the Original poster seriously.

 

Actually it wasn't... at all... it's just how i honestly feel...

 

I think it's nuts to go looking for MM to date. I understand meeting someone that you end up developing feelings for but to go LOOKING for it?

 

CORRECTION: I didn't go looking for a MM to date...

I was looking for someone who fit within extremely specific criteria to try to engage explore a physical relationship. He could have been single divorced or widowed. His marital status was absolutely immaterial... after hundreds of replies, his was the only one that fit all my criteria.

 

CG, presentation is everything.

 

And people react to it both here and IRL.

 

Witness the above. It is, in my view, very "challenging". What response do you expect to receive when posting like that? Some of the very replies you are railing against are in response to things such as this in an already emotionally charge topic.

 

Honestly, posts like that seem very angry to me. At least, there is some clear emotional investment to the subject at hand. Which is not what you have claimed. And that's the rub that many, BS and OW alike, have pointed out.

 

If you had no (or very little) emotional investment in your situation then why post?

Why the need to seek guidance for something that means so little?

 

That is how you are perceived here. That is what people want you to see for yourself: Its very possible to be in the deep end without realizing it - its called falling in love. And, in the confines of an A, is VERY different from Hallmark or Hollywood love. Its brutal. Just read here and elsewhere of OW needing support.

 

And you CAN get some wonderful and poignant advice from all sides of the triangle (which I feel is MOST beneficial). Of course, to get that advice you WILL receive emotional posts in return - some unwarranted. Try and ignore those. But you can do more - you can alter the presentation of HOW YOU POST to minimize the likelihood of getting such charged responses.

 

Because presentation is everything.

 

After thinking about this today, I concede that my title offended people and must have been like a red rag to a bull. Never was my intention to be contentious. I don't think like that at all. All the armchair analysis is tedious and incorrect.

My lack of tact and forthrightness has been a feature my whole life and I seem to lack (somewhat) the ability to think on the 2 levels required to communicate effectively.The purpose of my post hasn't changed at all.

[waytogo]

CORRECTION: I didn't go looking for a MM to date...

I was looking for someone who fit within extremely specific criteria to try to engage explore a physical relationship. He could have been single divorced or widowed. His marital status was absolutely immaterial... after hundreds of replies, his was the only one that fit all my criteria.

 

 

 

 

After thinking about this today, I concede that my title offended people and must have been like a red rag to a bull. Never was my intention to be contentious. I don't think like that at all. All the armchair analysis is tedious and incorrect.

My lack of tact and forthrightness has been a feature my whole life and I seem to lack (somewhat) the ability to think on the 2 levels required to communicate effectively.The purpose of my post hasn't changed at all.

 

 

Do you have any explanation as to why you came on my thread with this:

 

As you can see from my post, I am primarily interested in talking to people like me.....(That's assuming s/he exists...)

I'm not the judgemental type, everyone is different. I'm happy (sometimes) to debate things through, but don't misunderstand me, I am not here trying to justify myself. I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about my decisions in my life esp. as it has nothing to do with them.

It seems the point of your post is to:

1. question why I am here ( it's a public forum and i am on topic)
   
2. garner support from the forum of your disapproval of me (ain't bovvered)
   

I'll put the same question back to you: Why are you here? Is it your job to police and question the presence of others here? We all have issues, we all try to deal with them; this is one way... Clear now?

 

WTG: I wasn't coming at you in anyway. You chose my question for any who cared to participate as if the question was to you. Any chance you will explain why?

[cheergirl]

Hey cheergirl

I love him and he loves me and the sex is awesome.

 

Enjoy!

Glad to see I am not the only one who is interested in the sex part of the equation

 

Cheergirl - considering this is a forum for OW/OM, you should be able to ask this question without being jumped on about morals etc. But this is a public site and any yahoo can throw their two cents in, ya know?

A lot of the sad stories you see here stem from one AP wanting more and the other not being able to give it. Which gives a very skewed view that ALL affair-relationships are horrible. *shrug* I don't think it has to be.

thanks Lily!

 

 

Cheer - I was somewhat similar and was pretty analytical and pragmatic about things. Actually just took a lot of work business tactics into our relationship, recap emails, written agreements, etc.

 

Got it you sound like me...

I have always felt this way about the term stealing "You stole my man"... You simply can't steal a man. I have always hated this term and I would have to explain to my friends... No one stole your man.. he went willingly. I guess society has always spoken this way so it's considered the norm. A man will walk away because he wants to... not because someone took him, placed him in there pocket and walked out the door. It's that simple.

Agree 100%, it's preposterous...

She wants to hear from others in similar situations. She clearly states that in her original post.

 

Does that mean she wants the relationship validated? Possibly.

 

Does she want to be beaten up and called "mentally unstable"? I doubt it.

 

I also seriously doubt that there are conscious ulterior motives at play.

Hi Miss Chalk Farm, thanks for your reply...

I was one such.

Some did. Others didn't. I was one of the latter group.

Like pretty much any R, it's a crap shoot. Most of my As went exactly as I expected, and when things didn't suit me, I terminated the R. Whether you cede or retain control in an R is up to you.

Developing feelings is not a guarantor of misery or an unhappy outcome.

Thanks OWoman for your honesty

 

I guess we have all had somewhat similar circumstances or at least are able to calmly discuss things whether we agree or not. There are other things I'd like to discuss, but it's a bit difficult here/now... I think i'll start a new thread and put a disclaimer on top.

[cheergirl]

Do you have any explanation as to why you came on my thread with this:

 

As you can see from my post, I am primarily interested in talking to people like me.....(That's assuming s/he exists...)

I'm not the judgemental type, everyone is different. I'm happy (sometimes) to debate things through, but don't misunderstand me, I am not here trying to justify myself. I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about my decisions in my life esp. as it has nothing to do with them.

It seems the point of your post is to:

1. question why I am here ( it's a public forum and i am on topic)
   
2. garner support from the forum of your disapproval of me (ain't bovvered)
   

I'll put the same question back to you: Why are you here? Is it your job to police and question the presence of others here? We all have issues, we all try to deal with them; this is one way... Clear now?

 

WTG: I wasn't coming at you in anyway. You chose my question for any who cared to participate as if the question was to you. Any chance you will explain why?

 

Hi Way to go. forget it.. I've replied to so many posts which have nothing to do with why I am here. I'm just going to stick to that now, cheers!

[cheergirl]

Do you have any explanation as to why you came on my thread with this:

 

As you can see from my post, I am primarily interested in talking to people like me.....(That's assuming s/he exists...)

I'm not the judgemental type, everyone is different. I'm happy (sometimes) to debate things through, but don't misunderstand me, I am not here trying to justify myself. I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about my decisions in my life esp. as it has nothing to do with them.

It seems the point of your post is to:

1. question why I am here ( it's a public forum and i am on topic)
   
2. garner support from the forum of your disapproval of me (ain't bovvered)
   

I'll put the same question back to you: Why are you here? Is it your job to police and question the presence of others here? We all have issues, we all try to deal with them; this is one way... Clear now?

 

WTG: I wasn't coming at you in anyway. You chose my question for any who cared to participate as if the question was to you. Any chance you will explain why?

explanation is: i posted on your thread instead of mine. I was tired Sorry! Is it possible to delete it? again sorry!

[cheergirl]

Cheergirl, I wish you well. Many here in a sense have been trying to keep you from walking the path we did and it's come across as being harsh. That was not my intention. Remember what I said about never say never. In life sometimes you have to live and learn. No one can stop you from what you have chosen to do. Live your life the way you want. Either way like I said LS will be here for you when or if you need it.

 

Darling girl!

[fooled once]

Just to say, everyone's life experience is different. I would not be arrogant enough to judge someone's behaviour/life without having the facts.

Even then, it's not my place to judge.

To all the BWs who came on and started bitching at me; I am not interested.

Really, I am not. Really...

I am primarily interested in speaking, communicating with calm, reasonable, non-judgemental women/men who may have some experience with my particular situation. good, bad or otherwise...That is all.

Not some rude, self-appointed arbiter of morality telling me I am "bad", "wrong"... My world view is not so black and white, not anymore...

I could come on and and start judging you all about why your husband/wife left your marital bed.

1. were you a good wife/husband?

2. or were you nagging and disrespectful?

3. did you take care of your physical appearance or "let yourself go"?

4. did you take care of his/her sexual needs or even bother to find out what they truly were?

5. did you take an active interest in his/her interests?

5. did you appreciate him?

 

There are 2 sides to every story and sorry, I don't buy the whole "every "betrayed" spouse is a perfect saint and every adulterous spouse is the scum of the earth" Life is more complicated than that... Just sayin'...

 

You have been extremely judgmental in your replies - calling posters bitter, etc. So please refrain from saying you aren't judgemental when clearly you are. Everyone judges others, but you have been down right rude and snarky in several responses

[whichwayisup]

To all the BWs who came on and started bitching at me; I am not interested

 

All I can say to that is, the title of your thread put people off. Not all who responded are part of an affair triangle! Also, if you went into a room full of 200 people and said what you've said on here, you'd have the same reaction. Some would be disguisted, some would be offended, some would be supportive, some would agree, some wouldn't, some wouldn't care either way.. Take the good with the bad and go from there.

There are 2 sides to every story and sorry, I don't buy the whole "every "betrayed" spouse is a perfect saint

 

You're right. I'm sure there are some BS's who aren't perfect saints, but that isn't a justification for a WS to go and cheat, have an affair. Each person in the marriage is responsible for issues and problems in the marriage.. A BS doesn't hold a gun to the WS's head and say "cheat" he/she does that all on their own, by choice.

[Woggle]

I don't condone sleeping with a married man but at the end of the day the only reason you are able to do it is because he cheated. He is the one who has a family that he has to look in the eye after he is done with you so have your fun.