Met on dating site, he's married, and I don't care...

[cheergirl]

Cheer - I was somewhat similar and was pretty analytical and pragmatic about things. Actually just took a lot of work business tactics into our relationship, recap emails, written agreements, etc.

 

I think there can be postives and perks in EMR and I know that I was spoiled rotten in mine. I had a high bar set and knew that he better believe he was beyond lucky being able to eat cake.

 

I think for some it can work and can work long term. I did want mine to have a timeframe. He has now gotten divorced and things are still coasting along.

 

I wish you well, and actually can now say that seperation/divorcing was a much harder stage than the EMR. That was a piece of cake.

 

Thanks for your reply, it's the pragmatism and analytical behaviour that I am interested in.

[cheergirl]

Cheergirl,

 

GREAT concept. Others have thought of that before you, and I was one that thought hmmm...I'm married, he's married too, no harm no foul, no intention on being a home wrecker, etc. However, be prepared because you can get hurt. we can all get hurt; life hurts

Sounds like you have in your head to just use this guy.

"Where on earth did you get that from? Use him? What for?"

You can never predict what feelings will develop and grow, on either side, Cheergirl."I have to agree with you there"

 

What if he slips up and his wife finds out? "His issue"

Your "fun" could ruin is family and his kids. What if he slips up and his wife comes after you at home or at your place of employment and makes a huge fuss? How great would you feel then, or would you just shrug it off, like no big deal? "The second"

 

Do you like the idea that after having sex with you, your MM goes home and sleeps next to his wife? "It doesn't bother me at all, he lives there."

Do your friends know about this?Absolutely not

 

It it about having someone to have sex with and spend money on you? There are lots of single guys who would love to have the relationship you describe, see each other every few weeks. "There's more to it than that"

 

You are playing with fire.

"perhaps, or more correctly, HE is playing with fire..."

 

Thanks for your reply, although not entirely applicable in my case, I like the tone and content of your post, strongly worded w/out being rude and sanctimonious.

[Emme]

*SIGH* This again.

 

Why can't you people (general "you") understand something that is FREELY OFFERED CANNOT BE STOLEN?

 

The term "stealing" is usually attached to objects. The human equivalent would be "kidnapping". How many MM have been literally kidnapped by the OW? (of course, there might be some but those are the situations that make it into the news)

 

No, most MM are with their OW by their own volition. No gun to the head needed.

 

Isn't that what bothers a BS the most? That "their" H have decided to become "her" MM? It was the H's CHOICE (the act of selecting; the option to chose) to become involved with another woman.

 

I'd like to meet a BW whose H was in an A against his will. :lmao:

 

I have always felt this way about the term stealing "You stole my man"... You simply can't steal a man. I have always hated this term and I would have to explain to my friends... No one stole your man.. he went willingly. I guess society has always spoken this way so it's considered the norm. A man will walk away because he wants to... not because someone took him, placed him in there pocket and walked out the door. It's that simple.

[2sunny]

so what is it you expect from this MM...? is the agreement just sex and no emotions?

[D-Lish]

If you were on a dating site- you must have been looking for something a little more meaningful than this!

 

He's married and you just don't care? That sums you up as someone you should feel shame about. The fact that you don't care enough to be someone's number one betrays a lot about you.

[cheergirl]

Cheergirl - considering this is a forum for OW/OM, you should be able to ask this question without being jumped on about morals etc. But this is a public site and any yahoo can throw their two cents in, ya know?

 

Hey, if you can keep the R light with this guy - more power to you. It can work really really well if it's what you want.

 

Problems arise when you (or he) starts wanting more. This may be something you never have to deal with. Or it may be something you deal with when it comes up.

 

A lot of the sad stories you see here stem from one AP wanting more and the other not being able to give it. Which gives a very skewed view that ALL affair-relationships are horrible. *shrug* I don't think it has to be.

 

I kind of assumed there'd be a fair amount of this sort of thing, but thanks for replying. I think we both want the same things, just getting to know each other,see what happens...

[2sunny]

The fact that you don't care enough to be someone's number one betrays a lot about you.

 

bahahahaha - betrays or portrays? :lmao::lmao:

[cheergirl]

Oh and I wanted to add... (back on the subject)

 

Cheergirl, I don't want to put the bug in your ear but for the most part, people who join a 'dating site' have a what I call a "Bag of skittles" of connections. The same way that this dude is chatting away with you and charming you till your thong's fall off, the same way that he can be doing the same with like 10 other bytches.

 

I mean, you know, not that he's a player and all...

 

Have you met him in person already?

Gee it's difficult to say since you seem to know him better than I do...

At least you are being somewhat mature to a certain level. You are aware that you are not material for a F/T R. Wrong again, I am awesome LTR FTR material. I simply choose not to be now.

I hope that this dude doesn't get caught having an online A with you and shows up with his blackbags of issues...

 

This is in general and not really directed at you, Cheer. You seem to get your rocks off with this type of Rs,I seem to get my rocks off? then good for you. If it works for you then Amen to that sistah!

 

What really amazes me is how people (like the MM in this situation) are willing to risk something for nothing. Regardless of what anyone wants to say here and I know that I don't know him from Adam but one thing is obvious, if this man got kicked the fack out of his crib he'll be crying like a little b!tch. Those who want everything end with nothing.

 

That little thrill that running around wacking the monkey with a new boo creates better make up for the drama that could come from it... *SMH*

All for the sake of what???????

It's amazing the amount of misjudgement that springs from so few facts

[cheergirl]

Maybe she is trying to shock us........push buttons, get attention, maybe she is angry but clearly she isn't too happy about it or else I don't see the need to write on LS about it.

None of the above...

I'm not talking to you...

Last time I checked this was a public forum...

[D-Lish]

bahahahaha - betrays or portrays? :lmao::lmao:

 

Betray= shows, indicates.

I think you are attempting to make fun of me, but it's not working out for you- sorry.

[2sunny]

It's amazing the amount of misjudgement that springs from so few facts

 

if others haven't gotten the facts - go ahead - give them!

 

well i've asked a few simple questions - and you haven't answered - so, explain away.

[cheergirl]

If you were on a dating site- you must have been looking for something a little more meaningful than this!

 

He's married and you just don't care? That sums you up as someone you should feel shame about. The fact that you don't care enough to be someone's number one betrays a lot about you.

Wow you sure told me...

Babe I've been number 1 more than enough.

I've had great relationships you couldn't imagine and nightmares worse than you could. People like you sum me up all you want, I can't understand your grammar there sorry... No shame in that!

[chalkfarm]

I agree 100 percent. What is OP wanting? Maybe to swap stories....

She wants to hear from others in similar situations. She clearly states that in her original post.

 

Does that mean she wants the relationship validated? Possibly.

 

Does she want to be beaten up and called "mentally unstable"? I doubt it.

 

I also seriously doubt that there are conscious ulterior motives at play.

[Emme]

I honestly think Cheergirl is happy. As happy as fOW on this board once were. She has found what she's looking for. The excitement and happiness is something she wants to share. Possibly she needs to be reassured from other's that what she's doing isn't really a bad thing. Maybe that's why she's here. She has figured out the perfect formula for the relationship she feels will give her the freedom she still wants. That's all. If someone would like to warn her about walking down the dark ally, fine. LS will be here for her either way.

[cheergirl]

She wants to hear from others in similar situations. She clearly states that in her original post.

 

Does that mean she wants the relationship validated? Possibly.

 

Does she want to be beaten up and called "mentally unstable"? I doubt it.

 

I also seriously doubt that there are conscious ulterior motives at play.

 

Thank Christ, someone can read...

[cheergirl]

I honestly think Cheergirl is happy. As happy as fOW on this board once were. She has found what she's looking for. The excitement and happiness is something she wants to share. Possibly she needs to be reassured from other's that what she's doing isn't really a bad thing. Maybe that's why she's here. She has figured out the perfect formula for the relationship she feels will give her the freedom she still wants. That's all. If someone would like to warn her about walking down the dark ally, fine. LS will be here for her either way.

thanks for not crucifying me... I am happy, I was happy before I met this chap...

Generally a happy person. I thought I was clear but only one person touched on what I was wanting to speak to others about...the analytical pragmatic way I am going through this...It's a big step, never done it before, but maybe it will be fine maybe not I don't know.

[cheergirl]

Cheergirl,

 

We can read (well most of us) but don't get pissed if you don't get the response you want straight away. Perhaps, give a bit more info, if asked to clarify.

 

I personally have no dog in your fight. If you're happy, go for it. I mean that.

I'm not fighting, but i will stand up for myself...I got some replies that were interesting I will concentrate on them...

[jwi71]

thanks for not crucifying me... I am happy, I was happy before I met this chap...

Generally a happy person. I thought I was clear but only one person touched on what I was wanting to speak to others about...the analytical pragmatic way I am going through this...It's a big step, never done it before, but maybe it will be fine maybe not I don't know.

 

Remember that going forward.

 

A great many here began as you...only wanting NSA sex or someone "PT". And they regretted it horribly. Even though LS is not an authoritative sample I believe it is sufficient to say "Its not likely to go as you envision". Too many times feelings grow and develop and you, the soon to be OW, end up hurting. If its one thing virtually all OW have in common, regardless of outcome it seems, is they wouldn't do it again (yes, even those who marry the guy/gal).

 

I would seriously consider finding a single guy - there is far less chance of drama and heartbreak. To me, there is too much risk at causing pain to too many people - guilt can be a real b_tch.

[cheergirl]

You lot are mad...

I responded to a lot of your posts, but in the end you are bitter because of what happened in your lives and you're taking it out on me...

I hope you enjoy and get some comfort in supporting each other, but the aggression, nastiness and pseudo-psychobabble is just a load of bollocks..

Putting me down will not get your husbands back. Here's a tip: the bullying, shaming tactics you used on me only work if the the person you are trying to victimise gives a sh*t, I (clearly) don't. Waste of time and energy.

Kriss, thanks for the completely inaccurate (mis)diagnosis of my (non-existent) psychological condition.... And for all those who joined in with a chorus of approval, you are cowards, pure and simple...

I've been accused of hating my gender, untrue... What I hate is women like the bullying, bitchy, overbearingly arrogant, rude, vindictive Disney Princesses with Attitude who upon losing their princes who were tricked into marrying them in the first place, go on to blame everyone in the world but themselves.

Mickey's got a lot to answer for...

[cheergirl]

Wow.

 

Bitter much?

 

I think some of us were trying to be supportive. Perhaps not the way you wanted, but geez.

 

Good luck.....

 

That's sooo not to you last two... that response is the cumulative one to pages of personal attacks on this thread before you posted...

[cheergirl]

I think you should stand up for yourself.

 

When you say you "got some responses that were interesting" what does that mean to you? Outside of defending yourself, were there responses that helped you clarify your situation?

 

I'm truly not trying to be a beotch, just trying to understand..

 

#37, #77.. good examples disagreeing, dissuading w/out being nasty and rude...

[cheergirl]

cheers, I won't...

[cheergirl]

I went back and re-read their posts and don't see them as nasty or rude. You may disagree, but dear cheergirl, these women have lived it. You may think you're having dialogue with a BS, but it very well be you're talking to an xOW who has been hurt deeply and is on the other side of that, trying to offer their experience to you. Not in a hurtful way, just truthful in their experience.

 

I hope you find the answers you seek.

 

If you're happy in your situation, go for it. If it goes south, there are some of us who have lived it and have come out on the other side.

 

Misunderstanding alert! these posts are examples of people who have a differing opinion but are not challenging my mental health. I found them helpful....

[Silly_Girl]

You know that is a good rule of thumb.......need support board.......nope OUT the door you go and don't let it hit you in the ass.

 

 

People do show up here in a situation they're unfamiliar with and think they can speak with like-minded people, maybe share views or understand likely outcomes.

 

I belong to a hobby forum and have posted about things I don't need help with, just sharing is all, sometimes it's interesting to know that others are in the same boat with something, or not.

[OWoman]

A great many here began as you...only wanting NSA sex or someone "PT".

 

I was one such.

 

And they regretted it horribly.

 

Some did. Others didn't. I was one of the latter group.

 

Even though LS is not an authoritative sample I believe it is sufficient to say "Its not likely to go as you envision".

 

Like pretty much any R, it's a crap shoot. Most of my As went exactly as I expected, and when things didn't suit me, I terminated the R. Whether you cede or retain control in an R is up to you.

 

Too many times feelings grow and develop

 

IME it's more likely to be the MM who develops feelings if the OW sets out with the parameters the OW describes. The OW is then free to dump a MM who becomes clingy if she does not reciprocate the "feelings".

 

In all my As, only once did I develop "feelings" - and as a result we're now M. It's not what I'd planned at the outset, but people and their needs and wants change over time, and being M suits me now in a way that being S and in total charge of my life had suited me previously.

 

Developing feelings is not a guarantor of misery or an unhappy outcome.

 

and you, the soon to be OW, end up hurting. If its one thing virtually all OW have in common, regardless of outcome it seems, is they wouldn't do it again (yes, even those who marry the guy/gal).

 

While I don't go around advocating As to all and sundry, I do believe that for the right person approaching it in the right way, an A can be the R of choice. It worked that way for me for pretty much most of my adult life, and I'd be hypocritical to claim that As are always bad news.

 

I would not do it again NOW as I'm already happily involved with someone who meets all my needs, but if I was in the same headspace, in the same situation with the same person, for sure I'd do it again.

 

I would seriously consider finding a single guy - there is far less chance of drama and heartbreak. To me, there is too much risk at causing pain to too many people - guilt can be a real b_tch.

 

While I disagree with the first part - I've always found SGs to be far more of a risk and potential liability than MMs - I would urge anyone to consider the latter. If you have moral issues about As, or are at risk of guilt, I would advise not embarking on an A. But if, as the OP states, you have no such qualms, then that advisory would not apply.