rob911 Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 i have been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years...we are due to get married in october this year, for a while now the relationship has been strained to say the least and last month i found out she was seeing a guy who she works with behind my back...not only that they have been going to places to meet other couples and 'try new things' as she put it! she claims it was an escape because neither one of us was willing to admit our relationship was going bad (ill admit that part was as much my fault as hers) and since i found out we have both worked at it and it does feel like it used to when we first met....the only problem is i find it hard to trust people at the best of times and i have 0 trust in her now and i dont know if i ever will. i know she still sees him (they work together) and texts him although i have read the messages and they are nothing of that nature i am constantly paranoid... she rekons its hard because he was her shoulder to cry on and since no one else knows what happened he is the only one she can talk to about it who isnt me. also she said it was a chance to get stuff she wanted to try out of her system before we got married....now i am pretty open minded and will try most things once so i dont know why she wouldnt discuss this with me! but it has also left me wondering....since we have been together 10 years (we were 16 when we met) i have had hardly any single life either and although this has never bothered me before it is starting to play on my mind now...i really want to get past this and make it work, but she is steaming ahead like nothing happened, planning the wedding etc.. i dont know if i should marry someone i dont trust just because i think i will in the future.. i dont even know if i can be with someone i dont trust! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Dude. Call off the wedding. Right now. I'm not saying you have to split up but you really really do not want to get married (let alone have kids - don't even GO THERE) with someone until your relationship is sorted out. That can take years, so CANCEL (don't just postpone) the wedding until you're ready. So, first thing to sort out is, do you want to stay with her? She cannot undo what she has done, it will be there forever. You might take 50% of the blame for your relationship problems before, but she takes 100% blame for cheating on you. That is not what a mature, well-adjusted person does. She should have talked to you about the problems. Be honest, can you live with her for evermore with that hanging over your head? If not then it's MUCH easier to cut your losses now than to limp on in a slow painful breakup for months or years. You are not married and still young so you WILL be able to find someone who will respect you and be faithful. What would she have done if the situations were reversed? If you'd gone off and banged some other girl? Would she be as understanding as you are or would you be dumped so fast she'd have to FedEx your shadow to you? I suspect the latter. So, if you DO want to work it out - and it's a big IF - then you need to lay down the law: 1) She will commit 100% to you, she will be completely honest and answer any questions you ask honestly, without delay, deviation or omission. 2) She will not contact the other guy EVER AGAIN. She will call him up right now, with you listening, and tell him this. Then she will never email, text, speak to him ever again. If that means getting a new job, so be it. 3) She will become completely transparent. All communications including emails, texts, phone bills will be available for you to see. You will have all her passwords. 4) You will go to relationship counselling to discover why she chose to cheat rather than talk about her problems in the relationship. If she does not agree to all of these rules then END IT right there and then. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 The one thing that is disturbing is her lack of remorse. When some SO's admit to cheating, they are inconsolable, grief stricken and ashamed. And her excuse to "getting different things out of her system before she's married" is unexceptable and, quite frankly, stupid. She's still in contact with this guy and you're not with her 24/7. Things may be still going on. Call off the wedding..... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Please call off the wedding and move on now. You were scheduled to get married in a couple of months and she has been screwing around behind your back. She tells you she went to other places with this OM to try out new sexual things? She still texts him? 1. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been? 2. If she is lying to your face and cheating behind your back a few months before you are to be married, what do you think will happen after you are married and hit a rough spot? 3. She has shown you that she cannot be trusted. 4. You both now need to get tested for STD's. 5. She continues to disrespect you and humiliate you by continuing to text her lover. What is wrong with this picture? 6. Her actions indicate she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? 7. Her comment that she wanted to try out all of her sexual stuff with her lover before she got married is unbelievably insulting and humiliating to you and is trying to justify her behavior. 8. She has played you for a complete fool and if you stay with her then clearly she was correct. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Even if for some reason you want to stay with her (which I'm not to judge upon), backpedalling from wedding and thinking things over is sensible thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I would like to add that she continues to text the guy who she had all sorts of different sex with in front of you and you seem O.K. with this? Regardless whether it is sexual or not, you would have to be out of your mind to accept this. This is all happening while you are to be married in October? How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She continues contact him because clearly there are no consequences to her actions. Again you would have to be masochistic to stay with her and insane to marry you. Have you been tested for STD's since she probably had unprotected sex a few months before planning to marry you? What is wrong with this picture? Link to post Share on other sites
Coil Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 How did you find out about this guy she was seeing behind your back out of curiousity??? I personally would RUN FOR THE HILLS. Trust was broken, that is huge for me. It is also messed up if she is texting / talking to this guy any more than she has to with work. He shouldn't be crying on her shoulder or even looking at her shoulder at this point. Personally I would have already left this situation and been happy that I was not married before finding out. You should most definitely at the very least postpone this wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 also she said it was a chance to get stuff she wanted to try out of her system before we got married....now i am pretty open minded and will try most things once so i dont know why she wouldnt discuss this with me! but it has also left me wondering....since we have been together 10 years (we were 16 when we met) i have had hardly any single life either and although this has never bothered me before it is starting to play on my mind now...i really want to get past this and make it work, but she is steaming ahead like nothing happened, planning the wedding etc.. i dont know if i should marry someone i dont trust just because i think i will in the future.. i dont even know if i can be with someone i dont trust! You are a complete moron if you marry this woman. Why did you not demand "no contact" between them? Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 You are already like an old married couple The future of this relationship already has problems----let her go---she wants to sow her wild oats. She wants to do the things she missed, when exclusive with you Link to post Share on other sites
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