Linlin Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 My husband had an affair that ended about a month when I discovered emails and busted him. The physical part is over but I am convinced that the emotional part isn't. Her husband has taken her back unconditionally. She is going to counselling but has not made any clear decisions about what she is doing. Apparently she is only sticking around because he won't let her have the kids. They have all sorts of problems, one main one being that he apparently repulses her physically. She has fooled around with other guys during her marriage but says she has never gone this far before. My situation is different. We are selling the house and I am buying a new one for me and the kids. He is going to live in an apartment. He are living in the same house and are very civil. We have talked more than we have in years. We have both gone to see cousellors. Mine says that there isn't too much she can help me with because all of my feelings are normal. my husband and I are not fighting and I have a logical plan in place. I have told him since I found this out that the future may be that we end up friends but not married. The problem is there are days I feel very angry at her. She was a supposed friend who used me and my kids to get at my husband. I accept my responsibility for my failures in the marriage but he didn't need to go there. Anyway, when does the anger end? Also, how can I trust him again. He and I have talked to her on occassion (separately) about certain things. He said that last time he talked to her he told her he was moving on. I called her to tell her what I tought about certain things that she did to me to get them off my chest (civilly) and she told me that he never said that he closed the door on her. Who to believe? He on occasion has asked me hypothetically what would happen if he and I couldn't work it out after going to counselling and he hooked up with her. I told him that we would never be friends and I would never be civil and it would create problems. Why would he be thinking about this if he said it is over? Do you really think it is over? His counsellor told him also that if he wants to work it out with me, he has to close the door on her. One day he says he can do it and the next day he wavers. He asked me when we were going to start counselling and I told him that until he tells her that it is over, the door is closed, there is no possibility, he won't even talk to her if she says hi. Once he has done this then I will start to work on trying to repair. Honestly I think he has opened the door to end it and I don't think I want to go back there. He was ****ty to me while the affiar was going on and is a very immature and self-centred person and he has given me a legit reason not to tolerate it anymore. Just looking for opinions and ideas from people. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Love your children, allow them to love their father, love life, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by Linlin He on occasion has asked me hypothetically what would happen if he and I couldn't work it out after going to counselling and he hooked up with her. I told him that we would never be friends and I would never be civil and it would create problems. Why would he be thinking about this if he said it is over? Do you really think it is over? MY OPINION: He's playing both sides. If he can keep you and the whole security of that, great, if not he's going to go and try to rekindle the romance with this other woman. It's pretty typical behavior for guys that are caught in this kind of situation. He's looking out for his own good, and really not thinking about you. JUST MY OPINION. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Check out <removed> for some help on dealing with this. He definately has to break off contact permantly for the two of you to work on your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Linlin Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 I have looked at marriage builders and have gotten some ideas. Both the counsellors we have seen have said the contact has to end. But he comes up with all sorts of reason why he has to talk to her. The last time was because he said there were things that he had to get off his checst and tell her he was moving on. Mind you they have only talked, phone emailed each other about 6 times in the last month since they were found out. But the problem is until I hear I won't/don't ever want to talk to her again, right now I can't trust. ANd knowing that she hasn't decided for sure if she wants to work it out with her husband is a problem as well. How do I stop her from sniffing around? It's not like she will listen to me if I tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
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