The children are the ones who suffer

[scaredandalone1223]

I usually despise drama and do my very best to let others live their own lives, unless they ask my opinion but my BIL marital situation is driving me nuts.

 

He has been married for 12 years. The ENTIRE marriage has been awful. He was in service when he married and even though he was only stationed a few hours from home his new wife would not move herself and their son from her dad's home to move in with him.

 

They finally settled together 2 years later on another base nearby. He was medically discharged shortly thereafter from a tank accident he was in. They then moved back to her dad's. He received a huge payout due to the accident and returned to school on the GI Bill. By this time they had 2 kids and were still living with her dad because she refused to move. They blew through all the money which the rest of the family felt would have made a great down payment, in the area they live it would have actually bought a home that most people who appreciate!

 

After he & my husband's grandfather passed he used the inheritance to FINALLY purchase a mobile home. They had been married roughly 8 years then and now had 3 kids. Besides a small time on base this was the first time she had not lived with her father and then they only moved about 1/2 mile down the road.

 

I'm not saying my BIL is the easiest guy to live with. He is former military and works in a prison so he has a hard side for sure. But his wife is a white trash POS! She has had one job for two weeks during their marriage which she left claiming sexual harassment, which we were all suspect of.

 

They have NEVER been happy...EVER. Her lack of education shows horrible...she didn't know until I told her that a couple means only 2....she would constantly say a couple when she meant 2 or 3 or 6! This is one example of the way she is about numerous things.

 

At first she and I were friends. I grew up w/o a sister and longed for that sisterly closeness but I simply could not overlook the drama that constantly surrounded her...someone had pissed her off, someone had wronged her...drama, drama, drama.

 

Now to the part that absolutely drives me nuts. I could overlook everything else but her mothering skills which affect my niece and nephews is unacceptable. She has moved back with her dad....big surprise haha. She basically pawns her kids off on whoever will take them every chance she gets because she 'needs a break'. Keep in mind they are now all in school & she doesn't work yet they are too much for her. My BIL keeps them most of the time even though he works 12 hour night shifts for 7 days in a row. She won't even take care of all three of them in the evenings for a few hours.

 

My MIL has basically stepped up to be the mom. She recently finished Chemo and due to her illness is now living with her sister in a garage apt. It's a nice apt. but small. Her sister & husband are retired and do not get to see their own grandchildren often yet they end up taking on the responsibility of my Bil's children.

 

My BIL is far from blameless. He continues to let this happen. He seems to have no concept of imposing. He let's his wife get away with being a slacker parent. They constantly separate, she goes through the I'm changing spill, it lasts two weeks tops, all hell breaks loose, the entire family is drug back through the drama and the separate again. This cycle has been repeating their ENTIRE marriage!

 

We try to bring the kids up sometimes, but we live 100 miles away. They beg to come more often though. I believe they long for the structure and calmness our home provides. Their meals consist of fish sticks, macaroni, hamburger helper and McDonald's and that is pretty much the extent of it. The oldest one wants to come many times just to get a decent home cooked meal. The youngest ones tried to whine and cry and not eat because we actually have vegetables. They do not however get away with it. They are required to eat at least two spoon fulls of a veggie and a starch and are not allowed to get up until they do so. We are not cruel about it but firm. It took two times and now they know what is expected and also long for the meals. I believe they crave the discipline and accountability we have here.

 

The oldest is on ADHD meds but hasn't had them in months because he recently told us his mom is selling some and taking the rest. She also somehow receives food stamps and welfare for them even though they are rarely with her and never all three.

 

I am literally crying as I type this. Last week my oldest went to stay with my mom for a couple if weeks since it was summer. My parents are elderly and my oldest helps them tremendously. While there he wanted to spend a night with my MIL but kept getting pushed off because she had the other 3 children. He only finally got to go when my husband called and said at some point your other grandchildren deserve something. My oldest is no trouble, a very mature teen.

 

My husband and I had our own situation last yearn which did take a toll on our children while it was going on. We happily reconciled and are better than ever but the one thing we said when we agreed to reconcile is we would not be back to that spot in 6 months. We would not have our kids living in fear and turmoil because we couldn't get our **** together. We would not do to our kids what these kids are having to endure.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I guess I just needed to vent. I do not bring any of my friends into this god awful mess and speaking to my BIL or MIL has become pointless. It's really on my mind this time because when my son got home and told me some of the things the other kids told him my stomach was turning. My son said it was very hard to hear. He will not say anything when my oldest nephew talks to him. He tries to be supportive and will listen but we have taught him no matter how we feel about her or how bigger POS we think she is it is NOT our place to talk down about her to her children. We will not stoop to that level. We will by no means say positive things but will keep any opinions we have to ourselves. They are going through enough. They need us to be loving, supportive, structured and drama free and when they are around this is what we will be. My son, however, when he arrived home laid on the couch hugging me for 30 mins. because he was so thankful for what he has. Teen boys do not do this unless something hit them really hard. It made me very happy, because snuggle time w/ him ended long ago, but it made me so so sad because I knew why he was doing it.

 

My BIL is 'supposedly' seeing a lawyer next week, but if I had a dime for every time I had heard that I could pay for the lawyer in dimes. He's not a dumb guy nor is my MIL yet his wife somehow manipulates them into believing that moms always get custody. She doesn't even want the kids, just the child support! We've explained repeatedly to them that there is enough evidence and character witnesses and my BIL would get custody yet they still yet her manipulate them.

 

I know this post is a book so for those who make it through THANK YOU. I just needed a place to get it out. I wish we had the space and the money and we could raise them. Their childhood is so unfair and sadly this is what they see as normal so heaven only knows the long term effect it will have on their marriage and kids. I shutter to think...

[Mz. Pixie]

Wow, you are so right, it is the kids who ultimately pay the price. That is true not only in marital problems- but in any type of crappy parenting situation. People just do not seem to understand the minute you have children you cease to be able to live your life in the same way you did before. It can and should change things. Don't want to do that? Then don't have children.

 

It is just sad. I want you to consider though that you are a bright spot for the children here- as well as your MIL- as messed up as that may be. That is probably one reason why she continues to do that. She understands that she is a bright spot for them and is basically putting them above everyone else because someone has to. Don't understimate the power that the impact of one or two good people in the lives of a child can make- in an otherwise bad situation. I know, I have lived it. It made all of the difference in the world for me to have a Godly grandmother who loved me and sacrificed for me-and a wonderful best friend growing up. So- they can still turn out reasonably well considering the odds are against them.

 

My husband is a teacher and coach and we see situations like this and worse all the time. What we are doing as a world to children is just such a shame and a crime in a whole it's unbelievable.

[scaredandalone1223]

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!! Divorce proceedings are underway. My BIL has emergency custody and goes soon for temporary custody. His wife actually now says she has been advised to try to place the kids in foster care and that is what she wants to do....WHAT???? What mother would EVER think such a horrible thing???

 

I have a feeling things are going to get much messier before they get resolved but at least I see some progress and hopefully when this is all over the kids can start to rebuild with some sibilance or stability.