dude, you stink, you're lazy and worthless

[echocrush]

I'm really concerned about a family member... We were raised like brother and sister by our Moms with little or no male influence. He is such a sweet kid, but he's got no direction in life.

 

He's 23, he just left home, moved in with friends, no job, moved in with another friend, still no job, moved in with grandma still no job. He sleeps all day and stays up all night working on his "music" and doesn't do much of anything. He does smoke pot, but not sure about other drugs.

 

He's into the Emo thing and has dreamed of being in a band since he was 5 years old, I've tried to talk him into getting some college or whatever but he wants to be in a band and see the world, but not a successful sell out band, he has his pride. To me it sounds like he has a lot of excuses for not growing up, and his lifestyle supports this well. On top of that he has the worst BO I've ever smelled, doesn't brush his teeth etc.

 

The problem isn't him, it's his Mom... she buys him whatever he wants, pays his rent, etc. She raised him as a single mother and never really even dated. He was her life, I've tried to talk to her about it but she has more excuses than he does. Well he was born with a birth defect, his self-esteem is so low, he is so shy, etc. She knows about his drug use but he only does it because of... whatever. I think she is afraid to push him because she loves him, and she has always worried that he is suicidal and losing him would mean losing everything to her.

 

She encourages his behavior and even supports it, but I am getting really worried about him. I love them both very much, she is one of my best friends, and he has always been there for me. He lives here by me now and I want to help, but i've tried talking to both of them and it creates a lot of tension. No matter what I say she has an excuse, he has an excuse, and even gran has an excuse...

 

Usually i'm the one in the family that talks to everyone, I'm the only one who seems to be able to get through to him, but I can also tell him bad things but he knows how much I love him, so he sometimes listens to me... but he and I are the closest... but this time I don't know what to do here... this is so delicate. I'm afraid it's going to come out as dude, you stink, you're lazy and worthless... That's not what I want, I want to help... I love him so much, he has been there for me in the toughest times, loved me when no one else could...

 

Should I talk to him, or should I just let him live his life? I mean... everyone else is enabling it, and as long as they are, I'll just be the bad guy... Talk to his Mom talk to everyone? Just stay out of it and pray that his mother is still around to care for him when he is 40?? Ughhh

[HokeyReligions]

That is hard when you see someone you love destroying their life. If he doesn't want your help then there is nothing you can do. Be his friend but don't enable him. If his BO is so offensive that you can't stand to be around him, then you might just have to tell him that you love him and you are worried about his health and would appreciate it if he would clean up more often. Ask him if he needs some help to learn how to do his own laundry (don't offer to do anything for him! -- I'm sure you know that already) and if/when you buy him gifts, make him baskets with soaps and washcloths, toothbrush etc. MAYBE he will get the hint.

 

I had to tell an employee one time that her BO was bad. That is one of the toughest parts of being a supervisor -- telling someone something bad. I had some complaints about her and her BO was really terrible. She was also older then me and I was a new supervisor then. I started the conversation by asking her if she was having some problems at home, financial problems, or anthing that might be getting her down or that she thinks might be interferring with her work. Luckily (for me, not her) she WAS having a problem financially and was depressed about it. She was afraid that I was going to fire her, but instead I told her I wanted to help make sure she was successful at her job and from that I helped her outline things she needed to do outside of work - like making sure she showered and used deoderant ever day and wore clean clothes. I suggested maybe a nice fragrance would perk her up a bit. She was better after that thank goodness.

 

Telling a close friend is going to be more difficult, but if his BO is that offensive then say something. Maybe even allude to it in a conversation about finding a job and things a person needs to do to find a job and move forward in life.

[JessiNuemonic]

Not sure where you live, but could he clean up and maybe do an internship at a radio station, work in a music store, (instruments, not CDs and stuff ...) It would get him a discount, most likely, on equipment he needs for his band, get him out of the house and if he is depressed, maybe make him feel better.

 

I wish you luck ... it's difficult, (but necessary,) to sometimes be the bad guy.

[echocrush]

My Gran does his laundry, cooks, cleans etc for him... he doesn't HAVE to do anything, therein lies the problem. lol

 

He does shower everyday, so we can't figure out why he smells so bad, maybe not actually washing???

 

We live in a small small town, but I will suggest it to him and see if we can figure something out.

[AtomicOrphan]

I'm not here to either condemn or condone this young man's behavior. I identify with some of the chronic unemployment and lack of motivation. I've had trouble with this in the past. I've also had family who enabled me in dysnfunctional behavior. They supported me for years because of my little problem. I suffer from severe and chronic depression. Never liked Emo, or had a problem with BO, that's not me.

 

Families who have a member with a mental illness or a drug problem often feel over a barrel. If they deny support to the afflicted member, he or she might go hungry, homeless, or even commit suicide. Yet, they're at a loss for how to help their loved one become self-sufficient.

 

People judging from afar will often say tough love is the solution. Sink or swim is the only way. The attitudes from the American macho streak are tempting as simple solutions to complex problems. Unfortunatley, they fail more often thant they work.

 

Right-wingers go nuts when I say this, but it's a lot tougher to make a living in America than it was a generation or two back. If one doesn't have a college degree and a set of specific marketable skills, one can count on cleaning, clerking, and cashiering for dirt wages and no benefits.

 

Even people with whom I went to college ended up working sh*t service jobs before breaking into a living wage profession.

 

I don't know if this is an extant issue for the fellow in question, but the depressing job market might be sapping some of his motivation. If I was to give advice, and I'm not much for unsolicited advice, I would help the person find a marketable vocational skill he likes and invest in that. A liberal arts BA--the degree I've got--is nice, but often worth 25 grand less than the degree it's printed on!