lovesickmonkey Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I wake up and it begins. The recitation of a litany of reproaches I'd like to give her if I ever talk to her again. What the F%^$ did you say this for? ... Why would you do this and a few days later walk out the door? ...Why was there no discussion? ... No one has ever done anything as cruel as this to me! ... As far as I'm concerned you can step into traffic and get hit! ... etc. etc. And it goes on all day, reflexively. And all the anger stays right here with me (it's certainly not reaching her). I've never yelled at her in my life. I'd never even been angry with her until she left. I know that two months is just about enough of screaming at someone in your own mind but for whatever reason, I'm happier holding on to this anger. The book I'm reading says say the magic words three times: "It doesn't matter ... It doesn't matter ... it doesn't matter." Sometimes it works and I get an hour of relative calm. But I'm so angry still, and jealous, and self-blaming. And I feel like an unpunished injustice has been perpetrated. It doesn't help that I'm 43 and she is a beautiful 25 year old. I set myself up big time. Many people who saw us together (including my mom) thought, "She's going to break his heart." She did. So if anyone has any strategies for letting go of anger ... I'm all ears. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Anger is a secondary emotion. What, do you feel, is the primary one? What is driving this anger? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesickmonkey Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 I feel betrayed. I feel like a trusting fool. I feel sadness because of the loss of something I believed was real. I feel embarrassed and I feel devalued by 100%. I redefined myself to include another person who only "said" she loved me. I don't understand someone who would say she loved someone and not love them and who would agree to marry someone without being remotely certain. To me it all boils down to considering my feelings as having no value. It's my fault for not demanding more respect. For not demanding more for myself. This price is too high. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 When I get really angry, I do some gardening. Or running. Sometimes I shred papers. I do not know what else to say, I feel what you feel, and I try to read books about why I should have dump the ex long before anyways. That helps for a bit. Sometimes when we get hurt we just cannot think straight so all the sayings in the world cant help. Just know that she cannot do any of that to you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Anger is a secondary emotion. What, do you feel, is the primary one? What is driving this anger? Although I am not the OP, I can guess that the primary emotion is still love. "Feeling" the love right now would probably be crippling and lead to pointless pining. Pining would then lead to further self loathing. Vicious cycle. Likely, his anger is an outwardly focused emotion that allows him to continue to function in the real world. Lovesick - I know that your 2 months feels like a long time but it really isn't.... Give yourself a break regarding a self imposed time line. Feel the anger. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to visualize her demise. It is okay. You will heal when you heal. I guarantee that one morning you will wake up and she will not be your first thought. You will go to bed one night and she will not be your last thought. You will feel better! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Although I am not the OP, I can guess that the primary emotion is still love. "Feeling" the love right now would probably be crippling and lead to pointless pining. Pining would then lead to further self loathing. Vicious cycle. I sense a mixture of love, betrayal, confusion and hurt. It took me a few months to get through the feelings, and find myself sometimes not thinking about her, and now I hardly think about her, and if I do, it's not often with anger or sorrow, more curiosity as to where she fits into my life story. If you can, find a friend who'll listen to you, and just tell them how you feel. You don't need to say why, but I have found sharing my feelings helped a lot. I didn't need to go gnashing and wailing, tears flowing or bawling (if you do, that's fine also). Just sharing, having it acknowledged by someone that I felt those feelings, was a big help. *fistbump* Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I feel betrayed. I feel like a trusting fool. I feel sadness because of the loss of something I believed was real. I feel embarrassed and I feel devalued by 100%. I redefined myself to include another person who only "said" she loved me. I don't understand someone who would say she loved someone and not love them and who would agree to marry someone without being remotely certain. To me it all boils down to considering my feelings as having no value. It's my fault for not demanding more respect. For not demanding more for myself. This price is too high. You will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesickmonkey Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 Thanks everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Do you go to the gym? Punching something like a punchbag can be a good release. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesickmonkey Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 Damn, that's a good idea. I've been running like a maniac which has been a godsend. I'm nearly running 15K. I should look into where a good punching bag can be found. My ego is truly suffering. I never permitted myself to foresee this happening, though to outsiders, the eventuality seemed more imminent. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Become more flexible in mind as well as body. The past is history, the future a mystery and the present a gift (I love KungFu Panda!) Presently you are angry. Use that anger. Get a punchbag and knock seven shades out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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