I don't understand...

[emby]

I am really struggling to understand the break up. No, the relationship was not perfect but how many relationships ever are? We had our arguments but we never let the sun set on one and we always resolved things. We had such amazing times together and everyone commented on how good we looked together and how in-love we seemed! Saturday we have the most amazing night with friends. Sunday morning he leaves for work. Sunday night we have quite a big argument on the phone. Monday we barely talk. Monday night we have an awkward skype chat conversation and he says he wants to come over and 'talk things through' and 'hopefully we can work things out'.

"Are you coming over to dump me?" "No."

Tuesday evening he comes over, talks at me for about 10 minutes and dumps me. He drives me to the train station, gets on the train with me, holds my hand, carries my bags and spends 2 hours on trains to take me home and then go home himself. Tuesday night on the phone he says he feels like **** and he's going to bed. Wednesday he sounds awful on the phone. Thursday onwards, he's cheered up and says "I don't know what will happen in the future" and so many things like that, giving me HOPE. He grows more distant and asks me for space. I see him 1 week and 2 days after the break up and he shows no warmth or affection towards me and simply repeats things he's said on the phone. He STILL can't give me a straight answer about the future so I find it impossible to walk away forever. He says right now he sees me as a friend but "I would never rule anything out". If he only ever wants to be platonic why not just say that to me?

Tonight, I speak to him on the phone to ask him a simple question about something and he snaps at me saying it's 'none of my business' and generally tries to start an argument with me.

 

HOW is this the same man that just 2 weeks ago was so into me, so caring and attentive, so happy to spend time with me? How can he possibly not care? How can he have changed so much in so little time? Why is he treating me like this when I never did anything to deserve it? How can he be happier now than he was when we were together when I'm in agony?

I still don't even know why we broke up!! Such vague answers all the time but a promise that there is no one else and never was.

 

Every day I wake up with a million new questions to ask him and it's driving me insane!!

[D-Lish]

You're letting him have all the power. If he's treating you badly- it's time to say "no" to that treatment and withdraw from him.

 

There is nothing worse than hanging around "waiting" for someone to make a decision as to whether or not they want to be with you.

 

He broke up with you, and as hard as it is to walk away, it's what you need to do.

[emby]

You're letting him have all the power. If he's treating you badly- it's time to say "no" to that treatment and withdraw from him.

 

There is nothing worse than hanging around "waiting" for someone to make a decision as to whether or not they want to be with you.

 

He broke up with you, and as hard as it is to walk away, it's what you need to do.

 

I feel as though right now, I need to 'walk away' and live my life and work on myself. However, I know that this is a person I want in my life and I know that he wants me to be a part of his. Ideally for me obviously that would mean getting back together at some point. If not, if I was over him romantically I know we could be good friends. He says if we got close again then who knows what would happen in the future.

So I'm wrestling with walking away, getting over him completely and coming back and being strictly friends only or doing something else and keeping those feelings for if/when we became close romantically again.

Whatever happens, I'm going to try and carry on with my life the best I can and not simply waiting for him.

[D-Lish]

By hanging around, you don't give him a chance to miss you. If you truly want a second chance, no contact is the way to go.

[emby]

Anyone else?

[reimeivn]

My ex did the same thing. What he means is: He doesnt want to be with you.

 

Ask yourself, if you want to be with somebody, would you ever doubt it? Its just yes or no, you either want to be with somebody else, or you want to be with that person.

 

Guys are immature, and often do not know how to break up, especially when they know that they are wrong. Lots and lots of time, they do care about you still, but they are tired, and want to start afresh. They give up. So give him up girl.

 

Think all you can, but tell yourself that he left you.

[Kilty]

Sorry to hear how things went Emby.

 

Now is the time for you to get that self respect and not contact this guy again as things will only get worse and keep setting you back.

 

I dont think he can make himself any clearer

[emby]

Sorry to hear how things went Emby.

 

Now is the time for you to get that self respect and not contact this guy again as things will only get worse and keep setting you back.

 

I dont think he can make himself any clearer

 

He could make himself clearer by saying "I will never be with you again, please get out of my life, I don't want to see you". That would be pretty clear!

[Kilty]

He could make himself clearer by saying "I will never be with you again, please get out of my life, I don't want to see you". That would be pretty clear!

 

Unfortunately this very rarely happens at the end of a breakup where the reasons for the actual break up are simply down to one of the partners not feeling the same way anymore.

 

As proof you will see tons of posts on here where people are looking for closure and understanding.

 

It very rarely happens.

 

Some will say that the reason for this is cowardice on the dumpers part which is partly true.

However most human beings are not vindictive or evil and know what it is like when someone tells us that they are not in love with us anymore and feel that saying that to a partner would be cruel and hurtful - which of course it would be although true.

 

Unfortunately this leaves the dumpee in a state of limbo as in effect giving no explanations and not being honest is every bit as cruel as walking away saying nothing.

 

This is why you have to earn your own closure otherwise you will forever be hanging onto hope that a guy with committment issues and/or GIGS is going to change - which never does - well not with you anyway.

 

And if he does change then it will always be in the back of your mind that you were an option.

 

So the question is Emby - do you want to be an option for this guy ?

 

I dont doubt that he is a nice guy and has been good to you but that does not give him excuses to behave the way he has been lately.

 

If you want to let low self esteem keep yourself hanging on for him then by all means keep trying to get him back - but i think you know already what outcome that will have.

 

Be a better person and cut your losses NOW

 

The red flags are there for all to see so its time to move on.

 

This guy is in no doubt how you feel right ? So there is nothing more you can say or do.

 

Being needy, acting desperate, being in constant contact and trying to make him feel guilty by crying and pleading will NEVER work - i cant be anymore clearer about that.

 

You deserve better

[cjo1978]

i agree with kilty. i have been in the same position with my ex when she did exactly the same thing. they say things that give you hope and you examine every single text looking for hope when there is probably none.

 

You ex wont want to hurt you and thats why he gets frustrated with you when you tell him how you are feeling....very rarely will someone tell you to go away and thats it.

 

for your opwn sanity and self repsect you need to stop contacting him. If he comes back or not is his decision, you need to look after number one now....you!!

 

Yes its hard, i still feel sore about it, it does get slightly easier as each day passes and you will have good days and bad days. In reality you have told him how you feel so he is fully aware of how you feel yet he does nothing. It doesnt feel fair but you have to try and push your feeling away when you feel sad or angry or despair.

 

It isnt easy but you need to move on with things in your life. I have done this three times and on two occassions they came back looking to start over but i wasnt interested. But that will be HIS decision. He finished it so it will be him who should come back looking for a second chance.

 

If he doesnt, thistime next year you will look at his photo and think...."What was i thinking!!"

 

Good luck and i hope you are ok. Stay strong and ride out the bad times and rememebr we are here for when it gets a little too hard for you.....

[emby]

Thank you Kilty and cjo. I am done trying to drag answers out of him which he either doesn't have or isn't willing to give. I wish I knew what I'd done wrong or what I did to deserve this.

[Kilty]

Thank you Kilty and cjo. I am done trying to drag answers out of him which he either doesn't have or isn't willing to give. I wish I knew what I'd done wrong or what I did to deserve this.

 

You did nothing wrong silly.

 

Im afraid it just happens.

 

If there are hundreds of posters on here in the same situation as you then how many do you think there are worldwide ?

 

There will come a time when you dont feel the same way about someone as they do you.

 

Nothing has to actually happen to cause that - it's just chemistry and sparks im afraid.

 

Of course your ego has taken a pounding as has your pride - The same happens to every single one of us.

 

And you have done a brave thing by opening up to this guy.

 

Sometime soon you will meet someone where you dont need to do that - and everything will come together.

 

Whilst you are waiting for that to happen enjoy being single without any ties and look forward to the new adventures ahead.

 

Dont look back on something that upsets you so much x

[emby]

Spoke to the ex last night and he was probably more horrible than he's ever been. So cold and blunt. Says it's 'weird' that I want to talk to him so much. It's weird for me not talking to him every day! I don't know what he's become. So today I started No Contact.

I feel like I'm going mad because I've literally taken away the option of being able to text him when I feel desperate. Just knowing that I can't makes me want to a million times more! Everything I look at or think about, my twisted brain seems to link it back to him. Every piece of clothing I think "I wore this when I went ___ with him". I genuinely feel like I'm losing the plot. I have plans to go out with friends tomorrow but all I can think of is two things: that it's his only day off work so he would actually be avaliable to talk to me and that he broke up with me on a Tuesday, so I now hate Tuesdays.

I'm scaring myself. I've lost 6lb in just over a week because I still don't want to eat despite forcing myself as much as I can. I'm looking a bit skeletal. I'm becoming obsessive about checking my phone, this site and internet articles and listening to songs which don't help at all. I feel like I have no control over myself and I'm watching myself be destructive from a distance.

[buster2209]

Yeah, this forum has a ratio of about 95% dumpees and 5% dumpers. I am in that 5% though.

 

I recently just made the excruciatingly hard decision to end my marriage as I am not in my love with my wife anymore and being a man, I made sure I talked this through to her once I had all my feelings in my head sorted.

 

She has given me space and I have told her repeatedly that no amount of time will change my mind. She wants to know why I came to this decision and yes, I know why, but telling her the real honest reasons would crush her and I'm not into kicking someone in the nuts whilst they are down.

 

Honestly, I firmly believe that the reasons why he broke up with you will become apparent to you in the future once your emotions for him have dwindled away into indifference.

 

So many guys find it hard to man up and end things cleanly for a variety of reasons yet his behaviour suggests it's over and he is coping with the death of his relationship in his own way.

 

For me, and many other guys, when you become conflicted like this it's beacause you were in love with what you were and not what you are anymore. That, I believe is the cause of his wishy-washiness as he now has to deal with the reality of that himself. It's like learning that someone is dead 6 months after it happened.

 

 

And just to clarify, boys are immature and act like this. Men don't.....

 

Guys are immature, and often do not know how to break up, especially when they know that they are wrong

[emby]

Buster, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

But I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her the reasons why you ended it. It's not so much about kicking someone when they're down but it's about knowing that someone deserves the truth so that they can move on with their lives.

If my ex came to me and said "okay, I lied, the truth is that I left you for someone else/I was cheating on you and I left you for her", yes it would hurt me badly but personally it would make it easier for me to move on, because I'd have something to resent him for and ultimately I'd know I could do better.

[buster2209]

But I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her the reasons why you ended it. It's not so much about kicking someone when they're down but it's about knowing that someone deserves the truth so that they can move on with their lives.

 

Because, to be honest, she doesn't listen to what I am saying. At all. She doesn't want to hear what I want to say because she is in too much pain.

 

Maybe when she hurts less she'll actually hear until the words I'm saying but by that time, she probably wont care.

 

Ironic huh?

[emby]

Because, to be honest, she doesn't listen to what I am saying. At all. She doesn't want to hear what I want to say because she is in too much pain.

 

Maybe when she hurts less she'll actually hear until the words I'm saying but by that time, she probably wont care.

 

Ironic huh?

 

I completely get that. If you're trying to tell her and she steers you away from it then fair enough. To be honest I think I do that with my ex. Like if he starts to say something I don't want to hear about his reasoning or squashes my hope for us getting back together...I tend to change the subject or ask him a question which I know I'll like the answer to! A bad habit I suppose. Something to do with denial. So my ex isn't totally to blame for not explaining himself clearly to me. I keep clawing at him for answers and as soon as he comes close to slamming the door in my face I run away!

 

Well that was before, anyway. Today was Day 1 of no contact...

[Sugarkane]

Buster, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

But I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her the reasons why you ended it. It's not so much about kicking someone when they're down but it's about knowing that someone deserves the truth so that they can move on with their lives.

If my ex came to me and said "okay, I lied, the truth is that I left you for someone else/I was cheating on you and I left you for her", yes it would hurt me badly but personally it would make it easier for me to move on, because I'd have something to resent him for and ultimately I'd know I could do better.

I completely agree with you, if the dumper had any decency they should just tell you. Yet probably majority of people on here never got that. When I asked my ex for the truth he called me crazy. Typical. Dumpers usually avoid anything that will make them look like the bad guy.

[emby]

I completely agree with you, if the dumper had any decency they should just tell you. Yet probably majority of people on here never got that. When I asked my ex for the truth he called me crazy. Typical. Dumpers usually avoid anything that will make them look like the bad guy.

 

This, I think, is very true!! I said something to my ex on the phone last week and he said back "I was trying to take the sting out of it for you" as if breaking up with me could ever not sting like a bitch!! I don't want someone to tiptoe around their issues, I want them to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth so I know what I did wrong, what they did wrong and so I can MOVE ON. But my ex is the king of nice guys. He'd never say anything he thought might upset me unless it was completely unavoidable.

 

Day 2 of no contact- I spent the day out with old friends and had a really good time. However at some point I started to become very aware of cutesy couples around us and my friends started talking about guys and then of course my thoughts were right back to the ex!! I struggled with not using my phone for the whole day and almost texted him just to say "I just saw ___ in a shop and thought of you". Thankfully I didn't.

Then I came home and guess who was online when I logged onto my laptop? That was the hardest thing, when it would be so easy to just click on his name and say hi! He went offline after about a minute- I wonder if it's because he saw me? Interesting that he hasn't posted anything new on facebook including commenting on anyone else's stuff lately, whilst my wall is full of conversations between me and my friends and pictures from today. I just hope and pray that he'll soon start realising he lost something really good and initiate contact with me, because no contact is making me go crazy! I'm thinking of going to sleep soon (its not even 9pm here yet) just so I CAN'T speak to him

[sleepykitten]

Emby...reading your posts i had to check i wasnt reading something i had written-its identical, right down to the ex ending it on a tues, me also losing 6lbs in a week!! He also gave me no answers, apart from, it doesnt feel right, yet he was the one who in the past mths had changed, he said he didnt know why he still loved me, was in love with me, wanted to be with me....when we broke up, he still said he loved me, so gave me some crumbs, then when i rang him one eve upset at a reply to a text, he was so cold and distant and it was heart wrenching, went nc after that for a week-was painful, on the friday i slept for 15 hrs, i was shattered. broke nc, saw him but by then i could see all the issues he had, he had treated me like crap, he cant see anything wrong with him, its not my place to tell him or try and fix him i know he is not the right one for me, went nc after seeing him a week ago, well i didnt tell him but he hasnt contacted me, i dont expect him to. He left last week saying he loved me...i mean why do that why say that, just not burning his bridges, he says he's hurting, he misses me, he's out every night, has kissed another girl, is "very busy" etc, i just thought i dont need to hear all this. So today its been a week since any contact, i am not waiting for him to text, but it doesnt stop all the feelings of why, what happened etc, i did alot of reading on here and it helped me clarify in mind the reasons why...commitment issues mummys boy etc etc, i have my closure, and now am working on me.