You won't believe how I found out my ex has a new guy

[mtd4249]

You won't believe how I found out my ex is dating a new guy - even I can't believe the chance discovery - but to give some background first to those who read this who haven't seen my other LS posts.

 

I was with my ex for 16 years and about 6 months ago she surprised me one night and told me she needed "space" and was "unhappy". I had never cheated on her, abused her or gave her any other reason to leave me but she did - she walked out and returned to the city where her family is ( and where my family is, which becomes important to how I discovered she is dating a new guy). We had moved interstate 5 years ago so I could secure a good job to provide for our future. Anyway, she originally left under the pretence she was coming back after 3 months. But, from the moment she left she was very cold, ignored my calls and messages, was nightclubbing and drinking like she was half her age ( she is 36), and gave me all the classic lines like " I love you but not in love". After I discovered she was having a phone sex fling with some guy she met online during the first week after she left, things went downhill fast and she called off the relationship once and for all.

 

That final call off happened about 3 months ago ( although I knew but denied her words and actions before the call off were heading in that direction. We are now in the legal process of splitting assets. Since the call off, I have been NC with her, then about 2 weeks ago she contacts me on Facebook to ask how I am and how the dogs are (which she allegedly loved as her "babies"). Two days later she contacts me again to say deep down she will always care about me. Last week, she contacts me again asking how I am, asking for photos of the dogs, and giving me her new phone number. I ignored the message, so she emails me on Thursday and sends me a link to something of interest in my line of work and signs of with "take care xx"!

 

Track forward 2 days (today) ..... I have decided to travel to the city where my family live (and where my ex now lives), the first trip out of the town where I live since she abandoned me. I get to the airport and find out that all flights of the airline I was booked on had Ben cancelled. I had plans that night with family, but had to cancel because it seemed I was going to be stranded. But, I managed to get a standby seat with an airline on a later flight but it still meant the family plans were cancelled.

 

I was sitting in the hotel room and decided I would go to the casino for a bit ..... When I walked out of the hotel, I started walking the short route to the casino but changed my mind and took the long road. I then decided to call my mum before going inside the casino and let her know we'd rearrange the cancelled plans for the next night.

 

Anyway, as I was talking to my mum, I turned around and walking past (and looking at me) was a person that looked like my ex. Of course, my initial thought was "no way!" ...... Aver all what would be the chances in a city with 1.5 million people!

 

But then I said to my mum, "I think I saw my ex and she is with another guy" ...... My mum said follow them and find out, so I did ..... There was the holding hands as they walked along and hugging as they waited to cross the street ..... It was clear these two people were in the honeymoon period.

 

I followed them until they entered a cafe, where I managed to get a good look at the girl .... I was 90 percent sure that it was my ex but I decided to make sure ..... I walked up to the table where the girl was seated and (with my back deliberately turned to the guy) said her name to her and she responded "hello mike, how are you"!!!!! Had I not gone up to the table I would have alway/ wondered if it was really her ...... But, it turns out it was my ex!

 

It didn't take her long to get I into an affectionate relationship .... 16 years with me and just 6 months later she thinks she has moved on enough. I seriousy doubt she has dealt with the real issue that caused our relationship to collapse, namely her lack of communication skills.

 

I always thought that if I saw my ex with another guy in pics, let alone seeing them hugging and holding hands in person, would destroy me BUT it didn't. When I went up to the table, I found myself with an unintentional smirk on my face (probably because I know where her rebound relationship is l likely to end up). I didn't feel angry and it hasn't actually made me sad.

 

The feeling is hard to explain .... There is some sense of indifference, which I hope is a sign I am moving on in my mind. There's also a sense of closure ..... I knew the relationship was over deep in my head but seeing her with another guy confirms that .... It means I don't have to wonder anymore "are her messages to me an attempt by her to open communication because she wants to reconcile"! It also gives me the steely resolve to now go NC for a long, long, long time ....

 

As I type this, I chuckle at the odds of this happening ... If the flight wasn't cancelled, if I didn't get the standby flight, if I took the short route to the casino, and if I chose not to call my mum before going inside .... Then I wouldn't have been in that spot as she walked past. What are the odds? I probably had more chance of winning at the casino (which I didn't BTW lol).

[USMCHokie]

Sh*t always happens for the best, bro. This is a big step for you, and I think you're well on your way. Good luck.

[calndn]

Sounds like seeing her did you good really. I live in fear of bumping into my ex with somone else....I think I would break down. And its been 8 months now since we split. Well done for feeling good. I saw my ex a few weeks ago in a pub with his mates and I think I looked nice, think I looked good. He didnt so much and it made me feel good. However im back to believing he will be the best ive ever had....I hate it. He wasnt even good for me in the end he turned into an emotionally abusive person. A bully. But he was amazing at the beginning...think thats what i cling onto. Wish I could have the feeling you have!!

[andyg99]

 

I was with my ex for 16 years and about 6 months ago she surprised me one night and told me she needed "space" and was "unhappy".

 

 

that's a big sign that there was probably someone else, at least someone she had her sights on...

 

 

I had never cheated on her, abused her or gave her any other reason to leave me but she did -

 

that's what hurts the worse....

 

 

Since the call off, I have been NC with her, then about 2 weeks ago she contacts me on Facebook to ask how I am and how the dogs are (which she allegedly loved as her "babies"). Two days later she contacts me again to say deep down she will always care about me. Last week, she contacts me again asking how I am, asking for photos of the dogs, and giving me her new phone number. I ignored the message, so she emails me on Thursday and sends me a link to something of interest in my line of work and signs of with "take care xx"!

 

looks like she wants something on the back burner - we all deserve better than someone who wants to keep us on a short leash "just in case"

 

 

It didn't take her long to get I into an affectionate relationship .... 16 years with me and just 6 months later she thinks she has moved on enough. I seriousy doubt she has dealt with the real issue that caused our relationship to collapse, namely her lack of communication skills.

 

if someone is just coming out of a 16 year relationship there's probably little chance of making the next one work unless you have some serious time to reflect, grow and learn.... I don't think 6 months will do it! but that's her problem now not yours...

 

I always thought that if I saw my ex with another guy in pics, let alone seeing them hugging and holding hands in person, would destroy me BUT it didn't. When I went up to the table, I found myself with an unintentional smirk on my face (probably because I know where her rebound relationship is l likely to end up). I didn't feel angry and it hasn't actually made me sad.

 

The feeling is hard to explain .... There is some sense of indifference, which I hope is a sign I am moving on in my mind.

 

that is a sign you have moved on... good for you!

 

As I type this, I chuckle at the odds of this happening ... If the flight wasn't cancelled, if I didn't get the standby flight, if I took the short route to the casino, and if I chose not to call my mum before going inside .... Then I wouldn't have been in that spot as she walked past. What are the odds? I probably had more chance of winning at the casino (which I didn't BTW lol).

 

life is strange... about a month ago a female co-worker told me my ex was selfish and it sounds like she's staying with you until she meets the next "Mr. Right"... well this weekend she is now with "Mr. Right" and I found out about it 3 days before she was to fly out - I asked her to leave and she did... I kept my dignity and I'm glad I got rid of her before she got rid of me...

[Chi townD]

God, I would have paid money to see the look on her face? Did the color drain from her face when she saw ypu? Was she stumbling over her words? Did she try to contact you after the run in to try to explain that, that guy was "just a friend"?

[Forever Learning]

That is just TOO WILD! What an amazing story. The odds of you seeing her like that are pretty much..... astronomical.

 

And of all things, the exact moment you happen to see her, she is in 100% honeymoon phase with this dude. Amazing how that happened. Especially just as she has also recently begun contacting you again..... wow.

 

Stories like yours make me feel that God / the universe / our higher power / karma does work in mysterious ways..... and really does exist! It just seems very clear in your story.

 

Seeing her at that very moment helped you learn so much about yourself and your mind's current feeling about her.

 

What a real GIFT that was.

 

I am so glad you felt indifference about her, that is the opposite of love they say (rather than 'hate'). You are healing from this heartache very very well, and that is awesome. Soon enough you will meet someone too, but you will be in a very stable and healed position to have a relationship with that person. Good job.

[mtd4249]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

 

@USMCHokie, thanks for the good wishes. I hope whatever situation you're going through that it gets better for you soon.

 

@calndn, I always thought that if I saw my ex with someone else it would destroy me too. But, strangely enough, knowing she had found someone so soon is exactly what I want and exactly what she needs - I'm not perfect but there's a good chance she can do worse, and there's only one way she will learn what she lost. Obviously I don't know you but I do know you can get better than your ex - you deserve more than someone who abuses you and eventually you will be happier. You will find someone who not only makes you happy at the beginning but someone who appreciates and respects you forever. Keep in touch about your situation.

 

@andyg99, after I found out my ex had the phone fling in the first 1-2 weeks she was away, she told me last year she was flirting around on facebook with some ex-boyfriend from high school. This guy was engaged and his fiance was pregnant - doesn't say much about his morals and it certainly indicates my ex didn't have her mind in the right place.

 

It's true that it hurt alot because in my mind I was going to grow old with her and would never have hurt her in anyway - I always thought she had the same values as me, but in the end she turned into the same person she always claimed to despise.

 

Now I now the motive of the breadcrumbs contact she recently made, she will be on a lifetime ignore! There's no chance of her and me getting back together because I would never forget what she did and she is capable of doing again. And, to be honest, I no longer find her physically attractive - weird how that works, huh?

 

I agree that her rebound relationship is likely doomed to fail (or she has met the guy she will grow old with, but I'm not putting my money on it!). As you say, it's important to heal and reflect before entering another romantic relationship ..... But whether or not she's done that is her problem, as you say.

 

From your reply, I take it she had feathered her nest with Mr Right while she was still with you ..... The lies, the cheating and the lack of appreciation that she had for you means that you will find someone better - let's face it, it would be hard to do worse! You have a clear conscience and won't carry any guilt - her on the other hand will probably continue to do the wrong thing in future relationships. You're in the stronger position for the future.

 

@ChitownD, When I first approached the table she was sitting at, she saw me coming but stared at him and made no eye contact - she probably hoped I would continue to walk past. When I stopped at the table, I turned my back on him ( he is nothing to me) and all I wanted to confirm was that this person was my ex. As soon as she responded to me, I had all the information I needed and I simply walked off .... Not another word exchanged. She had an emotionless, almost bitchy look on her face but I think there was a mix of shock and fear (I once trained as a boxer, so she was probably unsure what I would do). In the end, all I did was ask one word ( her name) and I walked away with every bit of information I needed!

 

@Forever Learning, I'm not sure sure if there's a law of the universe that makes thing like this happen or what it is - but things happen for a reason and they sometimes happen in mysterious ways. I do believe what goes around, comes around - if that's the case she has some bad times ahead.

 

I do feel like this has been a positive in my healing process - despite what I actually expected if this moment occurred. And, just because she has found someone and I haven't doesn't make me feel like I have been left behind and need to catch up - this isn't a race to the start line, but a race to the finish line. I hope my next partner will be the one I grow old with and I know the only way to get to that finish line is to not make a false start.

 

When I fell asleep last night, my biggest fear was that I'd dream about her and him together - but I didn't and apart from when I retold the story to people, I didn't give it a second thought. This has been an ironically empowering experience in my healing process - I hope you all will feel empowered again. Please do keep in touch.

[IfiKnewThen]

As you say, it's important to heal and reflect before entering another romantic relationship ..... But whether or not she's done that is her problem, as you say.

 

 

 

wow. was a very powerful and emotional story to read of your encounter. i do think it was a blessing and almost a miracle. mtd4249 you sound like a good and sensitive person. and thank God for your logical side too. i quoted above because that statement above is all too true. i myself didnt get over or deal with unresolved romantic issues of the past and i can tell you 1st hand, it can and DOES interfere with new relationships.

 

i know you wonder how could she have went from 16 years to 6 months and holding hands; and in a new romantic relationship. i can also tell you this.....she had let go emotionally and mentally a long time ago. this didn't happen over night. i dont know, maybe for some, it happens over night and that is mind boggling frustrating. but mostly it kept inside and she ended this in her head long ago . if you didn't have any indication she was drifting and seriously unhappy in the relationship, then honestly that was her fault. she should have let you know, the severity of it all and not just seemly turn a switch off.so she didnt allow you to fix things or her fix it if she didnt truly convey how she was detaching. all that however, is now water under the broken bridge. but the point is its not your fault.

 

YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER. you sound like a nice person with a different goal from her. i am glad you don't feel anything but indifference now or acceptance. because you clearly deserve to go on and be happy and find a better fit. i am sorry to read this story but glad because you're glad. and it has helped you. maybe its expedited your healing and healing process.

 

see it as a blessing from God and use it to find and make a much better life for yourself.

 

i honestly dont know why she called. but like you said...its breadcrumbs...in the grand scheme of things. take that information too and just tell yourself, she was maybe remorseful and wanted to apologize to you. not that that matters. but turn that into something that allows you to heal too. even if you tell yourself she was just being a selfish idiot. whatever it takes.....use it for YOUR benefit for healing.

 

i wish you well. keep going. youre doing great. whatever you experience from here on out.....just remember this one thing. you deserve better. it is her loss. and there is hope out there...

Edited July 5, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen -- yesterday I returned to the city where I live and back to the house that her and I built a few years ago. As you probably know from my previous posts, I don't have much in this city apart from a good job lecturing in a university. My family, friends and everything that is familiar is in the city I visited over the weekend - alas, so too is my ex! I think the biggest challenge is to overcome the psychological residue of being 'abandoned' down here and not so much letting go of her. I think the indifference I felt when seeing her with another guy, might indicate that I've psychologically made big steps to accepting it's over and that's important for moving on.

 

The last couple of nights, I've had dreams (hmmmm ... nightmares?! lol) with her in them which I can't really remember what they were about, except knowing she was in them. I don't really feel threatened by these dreams and I haven't awoken feeling sad from the dreams. No doubt, however, these dreams have been inspired by seeing her with this other guy.

 

I think you're 100% right about her checking out of the relationship long before she told me. It may be 6 months for me since she walked out, but her mind probably starting walking out 12 months or more ago. That, in fact, is the really scary part - after 16 years, you think you know someone pretty well. I'd like to think I'm a fairly astute guy and the fact I didn't notice even the slightest sign is the scary part. She managed to act like things were normal the whole time .... 8 weeks before she left, we spent a week in America on vacation, together 24/7 and not once could I tell from her words or actions that she was unhappy and having other thoughts. She's a great actress ... and even better liar!

 

By the way, that breadcrumbs contact she had with me wasn't by phone but in messages on Facebook or email. She doesn't contact me and talk ..... she's like a mute, with no verbal communication skills. And, now I have the context of knowing she is with another guy, I'm convinced those breadcrumbs weren't an indication she was remorseful and wanted to apologize. She has skipped / forgotten that bit where you say sorry to someone for hurting them and hope to salvage some level of friendship. Instead, she has gone straight to the small talk stage, hoping to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Of course, right now she would be thinking that her life is perfect .... she's now living in the city where her friends and family are; she has a new job; a new guy; and soon a big bag of money from the property settlement. Common sense and time will tell that very few things are perfect forever!!

 

Hope you're well .. take care

[IfiKnewThen]

Of course, right now she would be thinking that her life is perfect .... she's now living in the city where her friends and family are; she has a new job; a new guy; and soon a big bag of money from the property settlement. Common sense and time will tell that very few things are perfect forever!!

 

Hope you're well .. take care

 

 

i can totally relate to this.. in several capacities.

 

time really has a way of bringing out the not so perfect, doesn't it?

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen -- time is definitely what's needed to find out what a person is really like. Maybe this guy she has found is her "forever after" .... but I'm not putting money on it! There will be imperfections that appear before too long .... he will notice them in her, and she will notice them in him.

This is exactly what she needs .... unlike me (I had a 7 year relationship before this one, which also ended when the girl did the wrong thing to me), my ex had no other substantive relationship before me. I suppose she got lucky, since I never did anything wrong to her ... it would have been better if she had some bad relationships before the one with me, at least then she would know a good relationship and a good guy when she had him. So, her new relationship is exactly what she needs ... she needs someone to compare me to. Maybe he will compare better, but then again maybe he won't. Either way, by the time she finds out, I won't really care .....

I hope you're well and take care.

[0hpenelope]

IfiKnewThen -- time is definitely what's needed to find out what a person is really like. Maybe this guy she has found is her "forever after" .... but I'm not putting money on it! There will be imperfections that appear before too long .... he will notice them in her, and she will notice them in him.

This is exactly what she needs .... unlike me (I had a 7 year relationship before this one, which also ended when the girl did the wrong thing to me), my ex had no other substantive relationship before me. I suppose she got lucky, since I never did anything wrong to her ... it would have been better if she had some bad relationships before the one with me, at least then she would know a good relationship and a good guy when she had him. So, her new relationship is exactly what she needs ... she needs someone to compare me to. Maybe he will compare better, but then again maybe he won't. Either way, by the time she finds out, I won't really care .....

I hope you're well and take care.

 

That's one of the reasons why I don't sweat it when my exes find someone new. With my most recent ex, I want him to date as many girls as possible. As many girls as possible.

 

It's the only way he'll know, really. His baggage will be his baggage no matter who he dates unless he desires to change.

[mtd4249]

Ohpenelope -- You're right about the baggage ... they can date as many people as they want or try running away from their issues (in my case, my ex ran all the way to another state) but those issues will eventually catch them and overtake them.

[Graceful]

Hola, mtd, and thank you for the note in your other thread.

 

This chapter is nothing short of putting a whole new spin on "it's a small world" and getting smaller all the time. What the universe provides when we least expect it, right?

 

I especially honed in on this:

 

As soon as she responded to me, I had all the information I needed and I simply walked off .... Not another word exchanged. She had an emotionless, almost bitchy look on her face but I think there was a mix of shock and fear (I once trained as a boxer, so she was probably unsure what I would do). In the end, all I did was ask one word ( her name) and I walked away with every bit of information I needed!

 

You could not have scripted this any better, seriously. What I see in her final facial expression to you was almost as though she had lost the upper hand, like you'd blown her cover, like she'd lost some of her privacy; it was almost as though you saw her stripped down to the bare essence of what she was after, what she was doing, and that it was just, well ... sort of ordinary. No big deal. Just some guy. You didn't act the least bit interested in him, and you certainly didn't try to talk to her or ask her how she was. She was, I am sure, in shock, no matter how hard she would have tried to hide it or deny it, how could she not have been?

 

As for you.

 

This is exactly what she needs .... unlike me (I had a 7 year relationship before this one, which also ended when the girl did the wrong thing to me), my ex had no other substantive relationship before me. I suppose she got lucky, since I never did anything wrong to her ... it would have been better if she had some bad relationships before the one with me, at least then she would know a good relationship and a good guy when she had him. So, her new relationship is exactly what she needs ...

I have to agree. This is something she needs to do, albeit, while throwing out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.

 

This might sound strange, but in your case, and in similar cases, what you have to see is that what she did has nothing to do with you, absolutely nothing. If she sees herself as better off, for what ever reason, that's not a slight to you, either. The reason is very clear: it's all about her right now, and even with a new guy, it's all about her.

 

So yes, her issues, her head set, her need to have other relationships, or whatever, will follow her around for the for seeable future. She waited an awfully long time to feel the need to sow her wild oats, and that's the part that was hidden from you. As a woman in her mid-thirties, she doesn't have much, if any, dating experience. But that's her issue, not yours.

 

You seem to be handling yourself very well, and while you're still going through the after shocks, you're on your way. Continue to try to make peace with the situation and with what you have accomplished. As for your living situation, that's not necessarily permanent, either. Sounds like you have stability, you're a lovely, caring, intelligent guy, and when you're ready to head out into the dating world, you're not going to have any problem attracting women, that's for sure. Stay the course.

[mtd4249]

Graceful -- thank you for responding and for the kind words.

 

I'm still amazed how that moment came about .... it is "Twilight Zone" like!! I'm not a believer in the laws of the universe or things like that, but this makes me think that things do happen for a reason. If there was a reason for me coming across her against all odds, it's to give me that closure ... to know what she is about and to know once and for all that she is trying to string me along with her arbitrary messages from time to time.

 

I think the other reason for it happening is to (as you say) strip her down to her bare essence. She would never expected or wanted me to know she was in a new relationship, let alone ever see her with the guy. Game over!

 

I can honestly say that since finding out she is with another guy, I haven't had a moment of sdaness or anger ... I'm really, really surprised. My dad was actually more angry about the whole thing than me! lol Someone posted here that indifference (not hate) is the opposite of love ... and that's where I'm at -- I never expected it under the circumstances. I admit I miss the companionship and the capacity to build future goals with someone at the moment, but I've realised that it's better to find out now what she is capable of and to move on to something (and hopefully someone) better. But, unlike her, when I enter that next relationship I won't be carrying the issues and baggage of the last relationship.

 

Anyway, I'm mindful of the fact that everyone on here is going through their own issues ..... how is your situtation? How are you doing? Please keep in touch. I receive (for free) some good advice emails from relationship counsellors that have really helped me develop a positive mindset .... you seem to be on top of things in that regard but if you were interested I'd be happy to share them with you.

 

Take care.