Will this ever end...

[calndn]

8 months now, however I still remain with the belief that its really 3 months since we stopped meeting up etc when he was a complete and utter bastard to me. He was once the loveliest man id ever met, couldnt do enough for me but then he totally changed, left me, after moving 200 miles for me. Ill never understand why but its ok, im feeling hugely better. Especially a few weeks ago when i bumped into him for the first time for a long time and felt good, he didnt look great so there was no 'omg hes so hot' feeling that ive had in the past.

 

 

One thing that drives me mad though is that I still have bad moments/days (on rare occasions) but today is one of them, as was Wednesday, I thought I was over bad days like this but it seems not. I found myself looking at photos of him and started thinking again that i didnt appreciate him enough when we first started dating etc

 

The real question here is that im asking in a long way is that...when we first dated i wasnt really THAT into him i liked him a lot sure...but I always thought it was never going to be forever, didnt think i fancied him enough, actually didnt think he was amazing looking (good looking yes but not amazing, just ok). I did love him in the end but as soon as i started properly falling in love with him that was when he started to pull away or become less attentive. Now that we arent together...I for some reason still think hes like the best looking guy, never going to meet somone better looking or better than him (before he turneed into a twat anyway).

 

How can I get those feelings back when I was with him of the feeling that I thought I always could do better looks wise....that yes I thought he was nice looking but not the way I think now. What gets me is that when I saw him a few weeks ago in the pub I DIDNT think he was amazing, nor when I drove past him a few days later....but now a few weeks later im back to the 'god hes amazing' im putting him on a pedestal (looks wise) and yes in a way in general too....there is no denying he was an absolute b****d in the end and im perfectly aware of that but he was lovely at the beginning and i just feel im never going to find that again.

 

Im having a bad day xxx

[betterdeal]

I think you need to avoid any contact whatsoever (and seeing him in the pub is contact) for at least 3 months. In that time you can tease out all those old feelings you have for him and become free of all this upset and hurt.

 

Stay out of the pub. Avoid places he goes. Become invisible.

[reimeivn]

Of course you loved him once before, and possibly still do. You will never ever feel like you ever appreciated him enough.

 

But you know, when somebody loves you, and deserves you, they know it when you are right next to them that you loves them enough. More than enough.

 

I felt that way when I was with my ex, long time ago, even though he forgot my birthday, even though he yelled at me that day, and didn't even give me a happy birthday word out of his mouth, I knew he loved me and didnt mean to.

 

So don't beat yourself up. You can't be head over heels all the times, and certainly not in the beginning, and should never show him that all the times. You did nothing wrong.

[calndn]

I think you need to avoid any contact whatsoever (and seeing him in the pub is contact) for at least 3 months. In that time you can tease out all those old feelings you have for him and become free of all this upset and hurt.

 

Stay out of the pub. Avoid places he goes. Become invisible.

 

Wish I could but we both live in a small town where everyone knows everyone (I've lived here all my life it was where I grew up he moved a year ago for me so it makes me feel angry that I can't go to places I want to in my own hometown understand what I'm saying?) it's rly hard to avoid him all the time I don't see him often at all but seeing him just every now and again is too much!!

 

Reimeivin....we did have that wonderful mutual love and adored eachother at one point and obv it can't be all roses and happy all the time. Thankyou for what you said it makes me realise that no I didn't do anything wrong. I guess just doing what anyone would have. I just hope I can forget or almost forget him, and find someone new, I wasn't ready before to meet someone new but i feel I'm ready now I just don't think it's going to happen! Xx

[mtd4249]

Calndn, if he treated you bad then you will do better - and by better I don't necessarily mean better looks but better values and respect. And, please don't look at photos of him .... Not until you fully healed. They will just reopen wounds .... There is someone else out there who hopefully will treat you good at the beginning and forever.

Thank you for the post on my thread "You won't believe how I found out my ex has a new guy" .... I replied to you there too. Take care

[calndn]

Calndn, if he treated you bad then you will do better - and by better I don't necessarily mean better looks but better values and respect. And, please don't look at photos of him .... Not until you fully healed. They will just reopen wounds .... There is someone else out there who hopefully will treat you good at the beginning and forever.

Thank you for the post on my thread "You won't believe how I found out my ex has a new guy" .... I replied to you there too. Take care

 

 

Thank you, I read your reply on your post too and you made me well up with tears. I truly want to believe ill meet someone better than my ex, who will respect me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. Just feels like I never will. I guess his emotional abuse has made me feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life. Im much better now but still a long way to go, 3 months ago however I was a miserable wreck, he was my first bf so i guess its always going to make it harder. I hope i find someone else! God thawt makes me sound sad!

[mtd4249]

calndn -- how are you doing today? I hope it's an "up" day for you and that you are doing okay.

Sorry my reply on my post made you well up with tears ....

Hoping you find someone else doesn't make you sound sad! But, try to refocus your thoughts about the future (and I know, its REALLY hard to do!) .... it's fine to hope you find someone else, but rather than thinking you won't find anyone better than your ex - think that you are going to find someone better. Make it a goal for your future.

I'm sorry to hear that his emotional abuse has had an affect on your self-esteem ..... a lot of people's self-esteem is based on the way they perceive they look and even though I have no idea what you look like (or even your age) I can assure you that your real beauty as a person is on the inside. You will find a guy who appreciates you for who you are, who doesn't abuse you, and who makes you happy.

He's out there, somewhere .... between now and when you meet him, don't be fearful of the future .... try to avoid thinking things like "I'm going to be alone forever" or "I will never find someone as good as my ex" .... both are false. You won't be alone forever and you will find someone who makes you wonder what you saw in your ex!!

I hope things keep improving for you and please keep in touch. I get some good emails (for free) from relationship counsellors that have good advice for people in our situations ... I'd be happy to forward them on to you, if you thought it would help.

Take care

[calndn]

Mtd4249.....

 

Thank You for your reply it's v encouraging to hear words like that at times when I do think that this vicious cycle of being ok then not ok will never end! I had a v good day yesterday actually because I was working late and kept v busy all day today is also ok so far. I'm 24 and I know I'm an attractive person, well I don't know really because my self esteem is at an all time low! But I know

I'm ok looking ha! But I do have that mindset of 'i'm never going to meet someone' etc and I Just want to meet or know I will meet my soulmate. I thought my ex was my soulmate obv not!

 

Would you be able to send me those emails? Can we private message on here or anything? How are you doing? I hope you're ok too x

[mtd4249]

calndn - I'm glad yesterday and today were good days for you ... there are lots more to come and you're going to be happier!

 

That mindset "I'm never going to meet someone" is completely normal -- I have the same thought sometimes ... it's part of the natural fear of the future that comes after being dumped and left alone. But, there's no rush to find someone ... some people think, "If my ex gets someone and I'm still alone, they're making progress and I'm not" -- but that's not necessarily true. Finding someone isn't a race to the start, it's a race to the finish .... it's not about finding someone for now, it's about finding someone forever

 

I'm not sure if it's possible to private message on here .... but I'm happy to forward the emails I get. I think they'd be helpful to you ... I know they've been useful to me, especially on bad days. If you want, you can email me on [email protected].

 

I'm doing okay,thanks. Seeing my ex with another guy hasn't affected me in the way I thought it would ... it's given me the resolve to say good riddance to her and to move on. I've realized that my recovery is now less about getting over losing her and more about adjusting to being abandoned in a city away from family and friends.

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Take care

Mike

[ameriveaux]

Your situation and feelings are not rare, i go through the same throes of good and bad days still; even after a year and a half after my breakup. i always start the "bad" days cycling through the endless thoughts of what i did wrong, what i could of done better, why didn't i tell her i adored her more,or why i didn't tell her how badly i wanted to be with her etc etc.

 

Unfortunately now at this point, none of that matters since it's over. However, if the person you were with truly loved you, then telling them extra things like that wouldn't really be needed, as it would of been implied. At the same time, if you telling them those things was the source of the relationship breaking; i feel that they would of voiced that they didn't feel appreciated enough while you were still together.

 

For your case, some say absence makes the heart feel fonder. the same can be said for looks. When you had the luxury of seeing them regularly and were content in the belief that the relationship was safe; their appearance wasnt as alluring as when they are now officially "off-limits". Its the same adage of wanting what you can't have. Even though that its over, because you still see him and parts of you deep down still want him; he appears better now because theres no way really to "get" to him. Its normal i believe, i still feel the same way about my ex. I always thought she was cute, but it wasnt until she dumped me that after re-viewing her pics (stupid me) that i realized she was the most beautiful creature on earth.

 

the sad part is even if i told her that now, it would mean nothing to her and probably just piss her off. It would be a bit different going from a girl to a guy, as i guy would probably feel a satisfaction that he is still attractive and might have a door for sex, but overall it will do you no good. The best part is to concentrate on yourself- and surround yourself with friends and family and change the times you -do- go out your favorite places.

 

The small town part is tough, but you can change your schedule to where you lower the chances of bumping into him.