New relationship, but still want my ex?

[NewMoon2203]

I've been in a new relationship for over a month now, but part of me wishes I could have my ex back!!?? help!! I dont want to be unfaithful to my new gf!

 

My new GF knows about my doubts, and she's assured me its perfectly normal to still want my ex (since we had been together for 2 and a half years.) She SAYS she's fine with it, and she knows that I love her... but...

 

I dont know what to think or do?

[Maggotface]

Why did you move on to a new relationship if you werent over your ex?

 

If you are worried about being faithful I dont think it's fair to your new girlfriend, especially since she's a rebound. You should take some time to yourself until you are over your previous relationship, then when you're ready you can have a healthy relationship with someone else and give them all the dedication they deserve.

[TaraMaiden]

There's no thin line between Love and Hate.

Love is love with a passion. hate is hate with a passion.

but they're not opposite sides of the same coin.

 

The opposite to Love, is Indifference.

The opposite to Hate is Peace.

 

Close your blog.

 

I bet you go back and read, and re-read, and re-read all the entries again and again and again, don't you?

 

Talk about ripping the stitches out constantly and making yourself bleed....

Close your blog and pay attention to now.

The Past is over.

forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.

so quit writing about it, because every word you write won't change the fundamental truth of what happened:

 

It ended.

but you're still alive.

so it didn't kill you.

You lived before this relationship took place.

Well guess what?

 

You survived the ending of it.

 

Either give your new girlfriend the attention she deserves (all of it) or give her up.

 

Why should she settle for half measures, simply because you can't put the past down?

[NewMoon2203]

my new gf is NOT a rebound, and im sick of people saying that. just because theres a part of me that still wishes i was with my ex does NOT make it a rebound. It doesnt change how i feel about my current gf. Look, I was with my ex for TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and i cant make those memories dissapear. To think that i could would be childish. I love my new gf dearly, she is very important to me, and she is sweet and kind and loving and understanding. She knows how i feel, like i said, but she understands. She was going through a breakup also when got together. so FINE if you wantto see it that she's a rebound, go ahead, then we're both rebounding toghether, good for us. But I know that I love her and none of you can tell me any differently.

 

@TaraMaiden: http://linebetweenloveandhate.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/to-the-people-at-loveshack-community-forums/

 

And if you must know, the "line between love and hate" title was inspired by a freaking vampire romance novel, and had nothing to do with the breakup.

[TaraMaiden]

my new gf is NOT a rebound, and im sick of people saying that. just because theres a part of me that still wishes i was with my ex does NOT make it a rebound. It doesnt change how i feel about my current gf. Look, I was with my ex for TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and i cant make those memories dissapear. To think that i could would be childish. I love my new gf dearly, she is very important to me, and she is sweet and kind and loving and understanding. She knows how i feel, like i said, but she understands. She was going through a breakup also when got together. so FINE if you wantto see it that she's a rebound, go ahead, then we're both rebounding toghether, good for us. But I know that I love her and none of you can tell me any differently.

I fortunately never mentioned the word 'rebound' in my post. But if part of your heart is still sheltering your ex, then there is deprivation of your affection, to some extent.

Telling your current GF about it, and making her aware of it, doesn't cure the problem, it merely brings it to light. But by telling her this, it's merely seeking permission and validation for your feelings....

Luckily for you, she is 'understanding'...but at one point she may - and it's a possibility - turn round and say - "Ok, enough's enough. It's either all of me, or none of either of us."

 

and she'll be justified in saying that.

so really, you have to stop leaning on the "I love you with all of my heart, well, ok, most of it, but I'm still holding a flame for my ex-, and it can't be helped" because it denies you the opportunity of moving on, and frankly, belittles what you now have. Which I'm sure is NOT your intention, but it does.

 

@TaraMaiden: http://linebetweenloveandhate.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/to-the-people-at-loveshack-community-forums/

 

And if you must know, the "line between love and hate" title was inspired by a freaking vampire romance novel, and had nothing to do with the breakup.

 

If it has nothing to do with the break-up, why then use the line as a blog title?

And not all of us read 'freaking vampire novels' - besides which, the line has been used before so it's hardly original....it's not unique to your given source.... Sorry if I offended you.

 

But could you answer the question?

do you in fact do as I theorised?

 

Do you go to your blog and read, and re-read it, time and time again?

 

Really, be honest now.....

[lolligo]

Hey there,..

 

As far as I can "see" (or let's say read) it.. you are not ready for a new relationship... Or let's say a committed relationship.

The thing is.. it actually IS normal that there are some marks/thoughts/memories left from a person you have shared any kind of relationship with.

It's probably the most normal thing of all. We are no islands, and every footstep leaves some kind of trace behind.

So it is more then clear, that your ex-girlfriend still appears in some thoughts or maybe even some habits or whatever.

The problem is when she occupies your thoughts/feelings, which she does, regarding your explanation of your feelings...:

part of me wishes I could have my ex back

My new GF knows about my doubts

 

If anything inside yourself.. it doesn't matter if it is the brain or heart,.. hasn't let go of her yet... you will not be able to lead a GOOD new COMMITTED relationship, because parts of you are still committed to your ex. Maybe the two of you haven't found some kind of closure yet? How did the relationship with your ex end? Is/Was there the possibility to get her back but you did not risk it.. or moreover today you regret that you haven't tried everything? (Or she didn't try everything..)

 

The next thing is the situation with your new girlfriend..

I have the feeling, that she is a person you trust, because otherwise you wouldn't be so open to her and tell her that you have doubts at all (above all so early on into the relationsship).

Please don't take it the wrong way.. But how long do you know her? How long is the time inbetween breaking up with your ex and getting together with your new gf. I am not saying she is a rebound.. but I have to tell you, that sometimes we love because we can trust, because we can be open about ourselves. But this doesn't mean we love the other person. It's more of beeing in love with a feeling (of acceptance and understanding) someone might give you - That's not a bad thing btw. It's just something different from loving someone else and beeing in a commited relationship imo.

And I can see that she likes you very much, because beeing this "understanding" is a rare thing.. So maybe also ask yourself how long you could bear such a insecure relationship? Or really look at her and see if it's more of a mask she is wearing, but inside she isn't that understanding... just really insecure and maybe also hurt.

[zengirl]

my new gf is NOT a rebound, and im sick of people saying that. just because theres a part of me that still wishes i was with my ex does NOT make it a rebound. It doesnt change how i feel about my current gf. Look, I was with my ex for TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and i cant make those memories dissapear. To think that i could would be childish. I love my new gf dearly, she is very important to me, and she is sweet and kind and loving and understanding. She knows how i feel, like i said, but she understands. She was going through a breakup also when got together. so FINE if you wantto see it that she's a rebound, go ahead, then we're both rebounding toghether, good for us. But I know that I love her and none of you can tell me any differently.

 

Well. . . it is a rebound. A rebound relationship doesn't mean there's no love; it just means that one or both partners just got out of another significant relationship that is still impacting the relationship. It has a bad connotation because. . . that's generally a bad thing.

 

Of course you cannot make memories disappear, but there's a difference between that and WISHING you were with your ex sometimes. I have a fondness and affection for many of my exes---they helped me become who I am, I have the memories, etc, but I wouldn't get back together with any of them, let alone cheat on my BF with them. So this IS a big deal. Don't kid yourself that it's normal to feel this way when in a new relationship.

 

That doesn't mean your new relationship won't work out if you love the new girl too; maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it does mean your new relationship has the 'rebound' strain on it, because you're bringing in energy from the past and it's impacting your relationship because YOU'RE NOT DONE with the past. You have to find a way to resolve your feelings about the ex. Ideally, people do this before finding a new relationship, but you're already in one. So it's going to be a bit of a bumpy ride. Telling yourself it's normal and okay to still want to be with your ex sometimes is hindering you, though; that's not normal once you're in a new relationship that's working. It's something you need to actively explore and figure out why you feel that way and how you can get to where you need to be.

[vsmini]

My new GF knows about my doubts, and she's assured me its perfectly normal to still want my ex (since we had been together for 2 and a half years.) She SAYS she's fine with it, and she knows that I love her...

 

I am sorry but I have never heard of any woman (or man, for that matter) that has healthy boundaries, a healthy outlook on relationships and a good amount of self-esteem that would EVER say they would be OK with their current bf/gf still wanting to be with their ex.

 

Basically the girl is either just telling you what you want to hear and pretending to be understanding so you eventually come around and want her completely or she's just confused as to what a healthy relationship should entail.

 

YES - it is perfectly normal to have lingering feelings for an ex but it is NOT normal or healthy to get involved in another relationship while those feelings are still going on.

 

I can be understanding, sweet and kind to a man that still has feelings for his ex - no doubt about that - but I'm not about to give myself to him in a relationship if he's still thinking and wanting to be with someone else.

What if that ex has a change of heart and wants you back? will you drop this new girl for her? I don't know any female in her right mind that would put up with that.

[mindfuq]

here’s my take on things. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and not worry about the state of your relationship with her.

So what can you do to help get over her? Just grow your own relationship with your new GF. Concentrate on being a good friend and partner to her. Definitely talking to her about this episode is a healthy thing to do but don't over do it. Tell her how all this made you feel. Definitely get her to talk about it. That’s going to make her feel closer to you. Of course this works best if she can manage to be as understanding and non-judgmental as possible.