anyone out there in a loveless marriage?

[AnotherOW]

and would you be upset if your husband was cheating on you?

i'm the other woman in this situation and i am really just curious if this is a regular occurance!

he says he only stays for the kids (of course thats what they all say).

 

give me some feedback!

[reservoirdog1]

Maybe you should just stop seeing him. Whether he's happy or not (and yes, it could very well be a line he's feeding you... cheaters are fundamentally dishonest, after all), he's still married and still living with his wife. He has an obligation to her to at least be honest with her. By continuing to sleep with him, you're complicit in his lies.

 

You're also contributing to breaking up a marriage. If you have a conscience, that should bother the hell out of you. Chances are his wife is totally ignorant of what he's doing. She may be in agreement that the marriage isn't the best but, if given half a chance, would rather work to fix it than have it end. You're getting in the way of that. So yes, of course she'll be upset that her husband is cheating on her.

 

I wonder sometimes what goes through the minds of people in your situation. I've wondered that about the OMs that my TBXW screwed behind my back. The presence of a wedding ring on a finger should be a pretty big indicator that he's taken, however available he makes himself. You don't have any vows with his wife, that's true. But you have an understanding with her as a fellow human being that you won't f*ck her over.

 

Think about that. You'll feel much better having done the right thing than you will by getting your rocks off with him a few times.

[AnotherOW]

i wish i could say i was "just getting my rocks off" and then it would end, but then if that were the case i would be somewhere else getting my rocks off with someone else. obviously i love him or i would have left long ago!

[Sweet-lips]

I too am in a loveless marriage.

 

I have been married for 9 years. He was 18 and I was 21. I became pregnant and that is what my family wanted, for him to marry me. He did and we had our baby and then two years later had another.

 

All I can say is what a mess I got myself into. The nine years we have been married have been emotionally draining. The fights are endless!

 

I stayed home with my kids for the first 7 years of our marriage and then started working again two years ago. First part-time and then full-time for about 8 months. About a month ago I became a stay-at-home mom again. However, before leaving that full time job, I started seeing another MM that I was working with.

 

He used to flirt with me endlessly and I was very attracted to him. He asked me out one day and told me to think about it, at the end of the day he called my office phone and asked me if I had thought about it. I told him I had thought about it all day, but that I would not be able to do such a thing. He asked me to call him if I changed my mind. That night I was visiting a friend and I did call him. I was calling to explain to him that while he was welcome to flirt with me all he wanted at the office, I could never date him outside of the office.

 

A couple of days after this, my husband and I decided that I needed to quit my job to stay home and help out with the kids. When I told my MM this he was disappointed and our flirting became more intense and more frequent and eventually we were sneaking hugs and kisses in when people would leave the room. On my last day of work I met him somewhere on my lunch and we made out like crazy. I had never been kissed like that (at least since before I was married) It was like something had been awaken inside of me. My husband hardly ever kisses me passionately anymore, unless he has had a few drinks. Sex between my husband and I, is once a month if that and usually a quickie. I had gotten to the point where I didn't even have an interest in sex anymore. I thought that I was having problems with my libido.

 

Since I have left my job, my MM and I talk on the phone whenever we can, which is usually only during the day while he is working. He is working, so our talks are short and brief. Occasionally he will call me if his wife has left the house but even those calls can be ended rather abruptly when she returns home.

 

This week we finally had sex, Monday and then again today, Friday. I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with my libido. I feel so alive again, and so sexy! This man takes notice of me, unlike my husband. I have actually dropped a dress size in the last month. I had gained a lot of weight over the past few years and as soon as I realized that someone really thought I looked good the way I was and made me feel attractive, it made me want to look even better. So I have really found some motivation to exercising and eating better and I feel great!

 

I don't expect that this relationship will last forever. In-fact I try to convince myself that this is a terrible idea and I need to stop it immediately. It is so hard though when he makes me feel so incredible when we are together.

 

I have no intentions of leaving my husband just yet, because of my kids and I know he really isn't planning on leaving his wife. I have admitted to him that this is becoming harder and harder on me because I cannot have sex without becoming emotionally involved.

 

Most of us OW know what we are getting ourselves into when we start these affairs, however, we are easily misguided by our hearts.

 

Good Luck to you!

[kimber]

Man leave him alone and when (if) he leaves then you can continue, you being there is adding to his problems in a relationship that he took vowes to.

I once was in a situation where my ex (14 years) was playing around, I will never speak to him again, he does not deserve to talk to someone like me, be honest with yourself instead of always hiding your tracks...

It's so sad that people can be like that, unccaring and selfish...

[befuddled11]

Why do married people who cheat, excuse their behavior?

 

You read it so many times, as you do here: "i'm staying in my marriage for the kids."

 

Isn't that really just a bunch of BS? If your marriage is so bad and unfulfilling, and there's so much "fighting" as you've indicated, then how could THAT kind of situation be any better for your children? How can it be better for your children to live in a home where they live daily, seeing their Mom and Dad not really being "in love," where Mom and Dad fight and maybe never sleep in the same bed? Where they never have role models (Mom and Dad) who show them about affection and communication?

 

Kids are so often underestimated, in their ability to "pick up on things." Unless your children are babies, which they're obviously not, there's no way in the world that they're not fully aware that you and their Dad aren't happy (if that's even true, that your marriage isn't a happy one). Kids have very acute perception. They generally don't need someone to "spell things out for them." Children learn about relationships by their role models. What they see now, between you and your husband, they'll think is "normal" They'll grow up and go on to mirror it.

 

For example: if you have a daughter, and she grows up seeing you and your husband never showing affection, never hugging, always arguing and bickering, she'll grow up to believe that it's "normal" to not be shown affection by men. This will put her more at risk for ending up with jerks as boyfriends, ones who are cold and unaffectionate, who don't treat her right. You want that for her?

 

If you have a son, he'll see all of what I've mentioned and he'll grow up to believe that it's "normal" not to show affection to women...that it's "normal" for there to be tension and fighting in a relationship. You want this for your son?

 

However, I think a lot of women who have affairs, who say they remain in their supposed loveless, unhappy marriages, don't do so as much because they can't stand the thought of breaking up the family unit. It's more about how they enjoy the security of the situation. They like the fact that they have a nice roof over their head, and no worries about paying the bills. HOWEVER, if they were HONEST women, and they really didn't believe it was right to cheat on and USE their husband, by remaining with him, all the while cheating...they'd end up leaving.

 

Then they would be faced with the prospect of having to get out there and get a job, leave their "cushy life by comparison," and solely support themselves. They might even have to get 2 jobs, and maybe go from living in a nice home, to a small apartment..and give up the luxuries.

 

So, in essence, many married women in your boat "stay" because they don't have a problem with USING their husband as a meal ticket and a provider.

 

Don't even KID yourself into thinking you're doing your children any favors by screwing around with a married man, yet remaining in your marriage.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by AnotherOW

and would you be upset if your husband was cheating on you?

i'm the other woman in this situation and i am really just curious if this is a regular occurance!

he says he only stays for the kids (of course thats what they all say).

 

give me some feedback!

 

Staying for the kids? Hey, is the same married guy I am with? Just kidding.

 

This one doesnt want to break up "the family", and he cant stand his wife-staying for the kids, too. I have suggested working on it, and he says he has no interest in working on it at all. He said he will never touch her again (and it's been 40 months). Yes, I believe it too. He thinks she met someone at work, and says he could care less, when I asked him if he cared that she might be having sex with another man. So I said why dont you tell her and then you can live there with your kids and we can have a "real Relationship" until the kids grow up. He told her last year we were kissing and really got along well. She said she could "get something going too". Okay, now it's a year later, and I have seen nothing change in my favor.

 

Now, I am saying if you want to live with someone who won't even touch you and you can't stand, then go ahead! I am too good for this s**t!

[AnotherOW]

justcallmesnug, its uncanny how alike are situations are! although, my MM doesn't think that his wife is sleeping with anyone else. But i told him that if she aint sleeping with you then she aint sleeping alone! he says he doesn't want to sleep with her and if she did have an affair he would be happy, b/c she needs some sexual expereinces!

he claims that they haven't had sex in over a year!

is that crazy or what? however i just cant seem to get away from him, i love him so much.

i need to find somone who will treat me that way he does but minus the wife!!!!!!

oh well, here goes to another day in hell

[justcallmesnug]

AnotherOW, I'd hate to see you stick with this. I have gotten so depressed over this that I have become quite emotionally ill. It's okay to love him in your heart, but at some point you will have to come to the realization that his life is all set already, and it was all set long before he met you.

 

I thought because he was soooo unhappy, and we got along soooo great that there was a chance of it working out; however, when I was alone at Christmas, New Years Eve and other days I felt very angry that the one he can barely stand is the one who gets to share all the good times. I get whatever left over time there is from his busy work schedule. I help out with the company and keep him company on the phone until all hours of the morning so he wont fall asleep and can get his work done.

 

She is home sleeping with the two beautiful children they made in the condo he is working his ass of to help pay for. I sleep alone in my small apartment and have no children. After some time, I had to realize it was driving me mad! Saturdays is the only night they are both home in the same house, as he goes around 9:00PM to say goodnight to his kids. Mostly she goes out, but last night she was there. So I sarcastically asked him today if he had a nice time hanging out with her, and he said the minute he came in she went into the other room and he fell asleep watching TV on the floor. Okay, so this is what he must like, so why am I working myself into a tizzy every time I know he is home with her?

 

I now believe he can not stand her and he loves me dearly. If there were no kids I know he would not be there. Why did he have another kid 4 years ago, then? Does it make sense to anyone. He said he was "talked into it" so his daughter would not grow up alone. Okay, I know this happens, but it seems absurd to me. So I had to get to a point where these are not my problems. I would never have gotten myself into the situation he is in, and I feel I am paying for it dearly. I have my own mistakes to contend with!

 

AnotherOW, before it goes on to long, please leave this guy. You are setting yourself up for a bad, bad time. Like me, in the end you will be so sorry you wasted your time on this, and you dont get the time back at the end.

 

Peace

[Rightlymia]

A guy I was seeing was seeing me while he was engaged and after he was married. Dumb?? Yes! My whole thinking was how could you possibly marry someone when you are seeing someone else. It was insane. I would be sitting there listening to him talking to her on the phone lying about where he was.Could anyone possibly be in love and do that to someone?

[mistie]

I am married and is cheating on my husband, i do not love him anymore he knows that to. Which i feel we have nothing in commen anymore he has his money i have mine he pays half the bills i pay mine. We have two children. Which my husband tells me that he loves me and wants his family togeather, he is a hard worker and tries to proved for us the best he can, I work out of the house to. But i need more we just or i guess i have just lost the feeling. I wish i loved him, but when we are together sexualy it just sex to me nothing more.

 

For this guy i am seeing yes he has a wife and children too. But we have so much fun together, have things in commen. Love each other but scared to make that step. I totaly admire those couples who are marriade for 15 plus years and more that are still in love with eachother and hold hand and kiss like they are still in love why can't that be true for all of us? Well i guess there are alot of different people who are still married and not in love or can't make that step life isn't perfect and the old saying goes grass is never greener on the other side, but then again how does one now if they haven't tried. Sorry that i was going on just like to see that there is people out there that knows what life is like on my shoes to not every one is perfect

 

So stay in the marrage for the children, if that is wrong why do so many people do it? I wish my husband would do something to make it easier for me to leave, call it a chicken way out. What other way is there?

[kimberlefowler]

as the wife of a husband who cheated on me I can tell you what my husband said.

we where in a loveless marrige but once he saw that I was ready to kick him out and he would lose not only the kids and me he now sees it was a mistake.

also do you have any idea what it does to those kids? my kids where in tears when daddy had to leave. and I am sure if my 12 year old could see this OW he would have said a few things I cant repeat here.

I think what you need to do is find a man that is not taken. or maybe it is the thrill you are seeking. I dont know. But I would hope you would step away cause if he will cheat on her he will do it to you, then you will see what real pain is all about.

[Lifes a mess]

mistie: You give OW a bad name!(if that is possible) I think you should take the time you spend talking, thinking and with your MM (and maybe more) and take an english class!!

 

[color=violet][/color]

[nikkilove]

A MM will tell you exactly what you want to hear........Put the shoe on the other foot: how would YOU feel if your husband did this to you?

 

Do yourself a favor and find a single guy.

[otherwomen]

I have a loveless marriage and that is why I was the OW to my best friend from HS. When my ex-best friend told OM wife it was all over. He told me that he couldn't leave because of the kids. Your right they all say that.

 

With me he didn't have to worry about bills, daycare, etc...Now he is still with her, and it makes me so angry because he said he was so IN LOVE with me, his princess and dream girl. Yeah ok. Told me he has loved me since HS, its been like 20 years now. So if I am all this why isn't he with me??

 

We have a child together who is 3. No one knows about it. I don't stay in contact with him that much anymore and haven't seen him at all, since last year. I do not want him in my child's life. He makes me feel guilty now because I won't let him have some kind of custody. I don't feel bad for him. My child is my husbands and that is how it will be. See we planned to have this child together, because I had lost a baby with my husband before that had birth defects. So I was afraid to have another one with him. And that is when OM stepped in. He promised that he would never step into the picture.

 

He was fine with everything when we (4 of us) hung out because he always saw the child. Now its different. Well that is too bad. My child is happy here with her brother and sister.

 

My child will be fine growing up, her daddy loves her very much, and he would be devasted if he knew and so would she. She would be all messed up if she had to go back and forth with daddy and bio. I hate the OM wife too. She would love to get her claws on my child.

 

No one would understand all of this until they were in this situation.

[otherwomen]

Yes I was in the same boat. Until his wife was told about us. It is harder because all four of us were good friends, went on vacations together and they came over every weekend, and we live like 2 miles from them. Which I hate.

 

It pisses me off that I gave that jerk 3+ years of my life. He told me he has never loved anyone more than me. Sure.....he was comfortable with his wife, didn't want to leave the kids, he was unsure of the future, blah blah.......maybe he was just embarassed to be with me?? Who knows. But someday he will see that his marriage will turn back into the same old boring life that it once was, and I will NOT be there.

 

Oh yeah, before he had a one night stand with a girl from his work place...so he will do it again.

 

Maybe his wife sucks in bed!! He told me she is not good. Won't do anything but the same old boring thing.

 

Anyways.....I miss him alot...but will never give him another chance, because it would just be sex and that is not what I want.

 

 

 

 

Originally posted by mistie

I am married and is cheating on my husband, i do not love him anymore he knows that to. Which i feel we have nothing in commen anymore he has his money i have mine he pays half the bills i pay mine. We have two children. Which my husband tells me that he loves me and wants his family togeather, he is a hard worker and tries to proved for us the best he can, I work out of the house to. But i need more we just or i guess i have just lost the feeling. I wish i loved him, but when we are together sexualy it just sex to me nothing more.

 

For this guy i am seeing yes he has a wife and children too. But we have so much fun together, have things in commen. Love each other but scared to make that step. I totaly admire those couples who are marriade for 15 plus years and more that are still in love with eachother and hold hand and kiss like they are still in love why can't that be true for all of us? Well i guess there are alot of different people who are still married and not in love or can't make that step life isn't perfect and the old saying goes grass is never greener on the other side, but then again how does one now if they haven't tried. Sorry that i was going on just like to see that there is people out there that knows what life is like on my shoes to not every one is perfect

 

So stay in the marrage for the children, if that is wrong why do so many people do it? I wish my husband would do something to make it easier for me to leave, call it a chicken way out. What other way is there?

[Linlin]

You OW make me laugh!!!

 

You complain about your own marriages and do nothing to rectify the situation.

 

Then you take up with MM thinking that you have found your "soul mates" and that your lives will change.

 

When you get caught, then you act all pissed off at the MM and their innocent wives. I say innocent wives since they were not given a choice about the affair.

 

You lie, sneak, cheat, etc.....and then act all surprised when it doesn't work out between the two of you. What did you expect was going to happen when you build a relationship on lies to start.

 

Alot of cheaters go back to their "horrible" partners when caught. If they are so horrible why do they go back.

 

My H was a cheater that got 10 weeks ago. The OW won't leave us alone. SHe doesn't believe it is over. I am separating form my H and told them they can have each other. The funny thing is he keeps telling her it is over and that I am in the driver's seat as to what happens next. He would love for me to take him back. Unfortunately he doesn't get that choice right now.

 

Some "soul mate" he found. LOL!!!!

[helpless here]

Linlin - you sound very hurt and resentful at this point and I am sorry to hear of your unfortunate incident! But to all of us OW we are not a laughing matter! If your husband was happy with you in his relationship then maybe he would not have strayed to the arms of another Woman. So, there had to be something wrong in your own relationship. I'm sorry to say! And the MM are just as responsible as the OW ! So, the OW have the right to be pissed off as you say because they are being let down as well!

 

And for Life is Mess - there really is no bad name for OW and for you to be as cruel as to tell someone what they need to do (as for English class) makes you sound rather immature.

 

OW don't plan on going after MM. It just happens sometimes - and no matter what you do it's still there. And yes I do believe in staying in a loveless relationship for the kids! They need both parents! And alot of times you feel more comfortable being in a loveless marriage - than trying to restart a new life with no certainites. It doesn't make you a bad person or make you a failure. Your just waiting for the right push to go into a new direction.

 

Do Not Judge those who have affairs to keep theirselves feeling alive inside with some one they can somewhat connect with - when their spouse are no longer available! Every one has problems and skelotons in their closets who are you people to pass judgement on those who do have affairs?

[Lifes a mess]

I don't think that was an immature statement. It is a fact-your words will bring more respect if they are spoken/written correctly. Truthfully-she sounds like trailor trash!

 

 

 

"Do Not Judge those who have affairs to keep theirselves feeling alive inside with some one they can somewhat connect with - when their spouse are no longer available!"

 

Are you kidding me? When it is not working out with your spouse-get a divorce and find a single man TRAMP!!!

 

And I wouldnt call the judging-after all-1 of the 10 commandments is "THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY!!!"

[helpless here]

If your going to repeat commandments - Maybe you should go through all TEN throughly and you will find that there is one that states about judging one another - and to love your neighbor as yourself !!!!! It sounds like you have serious issues yourself Lifes a Mess! And calling people names - well to be honest your the one who sounds like trash! What can you honestly accomplish by calling people names like Tramp and Trailer Trash? It didn't hurt nor harm me in anyways - I just feel sorry for you that you have to be that low to try to degrade one's feelings!

[Lifes a mess]

LOL

FYI:

 

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'

 

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

 

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'

 

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'

 

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'

 

SIX: 'You shall not murder.'

 

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

 

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'

 

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'

 

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour's.'

 

But nice try.

 

If calling you a tramp doent offend you then it must mean that you are proud of it! MORE POWER TO YA TRAMP!

[otherwomen]

Wife's do make the husbands stray because they are not giving their husband any affection and making them feel appreciated. Most MM stray because they are lonely and find someone that appreciates them for them. Falls in love with them deeply.

 

Of course they go back to the Wife when the affair is caught because of the things the Wife could do, take the kids, the house and all the money. They are just were they started from. ITs too bad because the OW is the one that makes the MM happy.

 

I hate these wifes that do that to MM.

Then cry like they are the victims.

As far as I'm concerned they got what they deserved, and when their husbands come back they are still not in love with them. They are afraid of what she will do.

 

It will happen again to the MM, their wive's will turn back to their oldselves. Why would a MM have and affair and a one night stand if he was totally happy and in love at home???

 

They are just stuck until the kids get older.

 

My opinion..

[kimberlefowler]

what give anyone the right to "take" someone elses man? so even if he IS in a bad relationship, why not be a "real" woman and find a man who isnt already involved. Eveyone relationship has troubles, and sometimes the wife isnt even aware that is husband is unhappy. I dont know many men that will sit down and tell thier wife how they truly feel , at least not until something like this forces them to wake up and she whats real and whats not.

Why any woman wants to lower herself to self with someone elses man is beyound me. He clearly is having troubles and I guess you think you can make it all better, when in fact all your doing is making is worse for them and yourself.

OW,find some respect and find someone who is not already taken.

[otherwomen]

This is not true at all.

The MM is the one that got in touch with me, he has liked me since HS.

I had no intentions to get involved until we started to have fun and talk and found out we had so much in common. I never even liked him way back.

 

I even had his baby, how do you like that?

And wife doesn't know and she will never know.

I never liked her from the beginning when i met her and we all hung out.

She was cold and heartless, even to her kids before anything went on. That is how she is.

 

He told his wife on many occasions how he felt.

 

I do not feel quilty one bit for getting involved.

 

I have a beautiful child from our love.

And that is the most precious gift he could ever give me.

 

OW have feelings too and could be the best people in the world, could be a cop, a teacher, a doctor, etc. All OW are not dirt bags or on welfare and only take what comes their way.

[kimberlefowler]

ever hear of "just say no?" doesn't matter that he touched you 1st you should have told him to leave her or find someone else. there is NO EXCUSE for adultery