anyone out there in a loveless marriage?

[Debster]

Otherwomen - blast me all you want for this - but your post was naieve, hateful and ignorant. That's MY opinion. Normaly I am quite fair to OW and try not to be judgemental, but your post made me so frigging mad I just couldn't let it go without a response.

 

Wife's do make the husbands stray because they are not giving their husband any affection and making them feel appreciated.

 

Excuse me - how do you know that?? Is that something he told you?

 

Of course they go back to the Wife when the affair is caught because of the things the Wife could do, take the kids, the house and all the money. They are just were they started from. ITs too bad because the OW is the one that makes the MM happy.

 

Really? And you know this because.....? Do you really believe this crap?

 

I hate these wifes that do that to MM.

Then cry like they are the victims.

As far as I'm concerned they got what they deserved, and when their husbands come back they are still not in love with them.

 

Once again - you heard this from.....?

And yes, they are the victims. You can fool yourself into believing that he loves you, that everything he tells you is the truth, that he's never loved anyone like you and that you really are soul mates but how twisted are you to believe that they are not victims? That they deserve to be cheated on?

 

Sounds to me like you've bought everything your MM told you, hook, line and sinker and have lost the capacity for rationale thought and the ability to care about anyone else but yourself (and of course your MM)!

 

If you are the OW, you already know that your MM is capable of lying and cheating. He has his wife fooled. What makes you think he's not feeding you the same pack of lies?

 

I hear a lot of OW complaining that some posters are judging them. However, I also see some judging going on by OW. You can't have it both ways.

[otherwomen]

Why do they stray and want the OW so bad?

 

Of course I didn't say no, I fell in love after a while, it wasn't just like that and jump in bed.

[Debster]

Why do they stray and want the OW so bad?

 

Take your pick:

 

- Because they are male scum who just want to get their rocks off.

- Because they are immature and got married before they were ready.

- Because you are ready, willing and available.

- Because they are going through a midlife crisis or marital issues

- Because they want to feel like someone is 'madly' in love with them

- Because they don't have to worry about this person nagging them to do stuff around the house

- Because the love the danger and thrill of the possibility of getting caught

 

Oh yes, and of course, the one most OW will believe

- Because they are so in love with the OW and believe they are soulmates.

[otherwomen]

Thank you...

 

You are right about that for me even if he did say he has had a crush on me since HS.

 

I am not with him anymore and as time goes on I really hate him for making me believe we had a future together.

 

I was fine with my life before, boring and stuff and a loveless marriage but I was so used to it. Sexless too. Then he came around and promised me the world, until my ex-best friend told his wife, then I was dumped on the corner. All my happiness was gone and that is hard, because I was used to it for over 3 years.

 

I really appreciate you telling me. I always needed someone to tell me. I just didn't want to believe anything.

 

I'm really sad.

[Debster]

I'm sorry you are sad and hurting. Yes, what he did to you was awful.

But think about it this way - he is out of your life - and not your problem anymore!

That opens you up to the possibility of finding someone who can give you all that you want, need and deserve. Either re-devoting yourself to your husband or leaving your marriage to find it with someone else. Try to see the positive in it and remember the lesson - if it wasn't yours to begin with, chances are it will never be yours.

[mendingmyheart04]

I agree with what most of the people have said about this. The thing is, getting divorced is one of the easiest things to do in our society...look at the high divorce rate in this country. If a man (or woman) wants to they will...they are lying when they say they're staying married for any other reason except they want to. They HAVE to tell their other woman their staying for the kids or whatever because that makes them look they're doing the "right thing" but even more so because what woman with a brain would become involved with a guy who flat out said "I'll never leave my wife"?

 

Nothing good comes from having a relationship with a married man. Even if he does leave his wife for you would you ever trust that he would remain faithful to you? It's a character issue. No matter what...for whatever reason this man is cheating on his wife - the mother of his children. Is this really the type of man you feel you deserve or would even want? Plenty of people get divorced without infidelity ever being a factor.

[otherwomen]

Hi Deb,

 

I just emailed him that.

And this is what he wrote.

He is so heartless and I can't believe I fell in love with him.

He told me I was his true love, his princess and dream girl.

I am so sad, I hate him so much, but cannot get seem to get him off my mind. I go to counseling but it hasn't sunk in yet. I wish it would, but he made me believe we were meant to be together forever because that is what he always told me. "Please don't leave me" "we will always be forever" He is a bastard. I hope he deserves nothing in life. For someone to do this twice is nothing more than a you know what

 

 

 

[color=red]You always make me laugh. You will go to your grave thinking that you did nothing wrong and that I was the one who caused everything to happen between us. I really don’t care, I know the truth, but it amazes me that you see yourself as the victim here. It really does. Who fills your head with that crap?[/color]

[Linlin]

Otherwomen,

 

I am sorry you got the wrong end but you can not comment on everyone's situation

 

QUOTE:

Most MM stray because they are lonely and find someone that appreciates them for them. Falls in love with them deeply.

 

Not true in my case. I am the main breadwinner, take care of the whole house, kids, etc. My H said the reason he strayed was that he felt that I was TOO capable and didn't need him anymore. Also, most of the guys he works with are or have had affairs, so his work friends find it acceptable. He is begging me for a chance at counselling when I am ready. He DOESN"T love her, never did. We actually now think we have a stalker on our hands.

 

 

QUOTE:

OW don't plan on going after MM. It just happens sometimes - and no matter what you do it's still there.

 

My OW targeted my H. SHe admitted it to him. Anything I told her as a friend, she used against me to get him. She has done this several times to her H before.

 

QUOTE:

So, the OW have the right to be pissed off as you say because they are being let down as well!

 

When you play with fire, you will get burned!!!

 

QUOTE:

 

It's too bad because the OW is the one that makes the MM happy.

 

I have told him to go with her. He doesn't want her. He now see her for the true person that she is; a manipulator, liar, deceiver, etc. Wants a second chance with me. Don't know if I want to give it. He realizes that too. She is now harassing us because she wants him and her H to. She won't leave us alone. May have to get a TRO.

 

QUOTE:Everyone relationship has troubles, and sometimes the wife isn't even aware that is husband is unhappy. I don't know many men that will sit down and tell thier wife how they truly feel , at least not until something like this forces them to wake up and she what's real and what's not.

 

You are right, we did have problems, but they are now greater now that he strayed. I have to figure out if it is in my capacity to forgive.

 

QUOTE:

I hate these wife's that do that to MM.

Then cry like they are the victims.

As far as I'm concerned they got what they deserved, and when their husbands come back they are still not in love with them.

 

Really!!! And you know everyone's situation personally???? Must be nice to be psychic!!! My H tells me that he loves me everyday now. I do not respond yet because I am not going to deceive him and pretend that I am going to take him back when I have not decided. Why is he being cruel then to OW and telling her to get lost. She won't. She is causing all sorts of problems. I am no victim. I am in control of my situation and my destiny now. I will fix my marriage if I believe it is the right thing to do, not because of just staying married for the kids or just to have a H.

 

 

As i have said before. My H and I got involved with a couple. She has done this to her H several times. She saw a weakness in my marriage. I do admit it was not perfect. Anything I told her as a girlfriend about my H (and yes, we women complain to each other about small, petty things our men do) she used and manipulated and twisted against men. She pursued him for several months behind my back. If she was over and I came home, pretended she was coming to see me. Not True!!! Anyway, he did stray, he is accountable for that too!!!

 

He is trying to make it up. She is mad about that. SHe doesn't want him coming back to me. She is causing trouble. Yet, funny enough, since she doesn't work, she won't leave her own H yet!! She has told him that she hasn't decided if she is staying with him. Yet, she wants my H to leave me and is trying to force him to.We may have to get a TRO against her.

 

I have told her and him to go with each other and leave me alone. He hasn't gone yet. He must really love the OW!! LOL!!!

[Debster]

Otherwomen,

 

While I know it must hurt I am glad to see that the blinders have come off.

 

Take this hurtful episode as a lesson and reminder. Do not believe everything a MM says or does. He at one time said the exact same things to his wife (and probably still is saying). If a man is capable of carrying on two lives (one with you and one with his wife) he is capable of anything and should not be trusted or believed. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

 

You definitely can and should do better.

 

Good luck.

[otherwomen]

Thank you Deb!

 

I was sitting here crying.

All I have done is cry, cry, cry.

I just want to get better.

Thank god I have my children.

They make me feel better and make me want to live, otherwise I wouldn't want to.

[Lifes a mess]

OtherWoman:

 

I am not trying to kick you while you are down but you said you have a baby by him and the wife doesnt know....is he ashamed? Is he going to hide it forever? Have you thought about what that will do to your childs self image? Where is Daddy on christmas?

[Rightlymia]

All the drama.. I just wanted to say that I know a lot of guys won't leave their wives because they don't want to lose everything (houses, cars, $$) I have a lot of male friends so I know this. I'm think everyone is a little to blame when affairs happen. There are so many wives who know deep down that something is going on but instead of doing something about it they let the men get away with it. That would be their problem. My friend cheated on her husband because he wasn't there for her emotionally. He wanted to sit around and watch tv everyday after work and ignore her. I can't blame her.

[otherwomen]

Originally posted by Lifes a mess

OtherWoman:

 

I am not trying to kick you while you are down but you said you have a baby by him and the wife doesnt know....is he ashamed? Is he going to hide it forever? Have you thought about what that will do to your childs self image? Where is Daddy on christmas?

 

 

She has a "dad" my husband. It's me who does not want him around. He is not ashamed of her one bit. But I don't want him in her life at all. He has his own family to attend to.

 

She is very much loved and taken care of in this family. She has a big brother and sister. Her "dad" loves her so much. It would destroy everyone's life. I could care less about mine. I just worry about everyone else, esp. her's. She is alot better not knowing him. He helped me have her because i was afraid to have another child with my husband as I had to terminate a child at 4 months from a birth defect. He helped me to have a healthy child and that was the agreement. He was going to be the godfather. Too late now, the baptism was after his wife found out.

 

I moved to another state for him to be able to see her grow up. I did everything I could do to have him in her life somehow.

 

But its over with, and I do not feel guilty.

 

She belongs only to this family.

[Lifes a mess]

that is different-I wasnt aware that you were married too. Does your H know the baby is not his?

[otherwomen]

Hi

 

my H doesn't know that she is not his.

I will never tell him.

He loves her so much.

And she loves him.

She is loved and taken care of by him, her brother and sister.

 

I am not in love with my husband.

Haven't been for a many years.

I stay because of the kids like alot of people do.

We don't fight or anything like that.

We like buddies.

 

I hate going through life though without having someone to love and them love me back, like the MM did. But I guess it was the wrong timing. If we were single it would be another story.

 

I take it day by day.

[Lifes a mess]

I can sympathize with you on not having someone to love/love you back. However, I have been 100% faithful-can't say the same for my H.

 

Does your daughter look totally different than your other kids and H? What will you do if one day she needs blood for an operation or something?

 

What if OM divorces and decides he wants to be "Daddy"?

[otherwomen]

Originally posted by Lifes a mess

I can sympathize with you on not having someone to love/love you back. However, I have been 100% faithful-can't say the same for my H.

 

Does your daughter look totally different than your other kids and H? What will you do if one day she needs blood for an operation or something?

 

What if OM divorces and decides he wants to be "Daddy"?

 

She doesn't look totally different than my other two. She looks alot like my son. I have thought about that a million times about emergency situations. My mom died last year at 59, from a major heart attack, just like that, fell on the floor in the bathroom. I never got to say good bye because she lives in NY and I live in NH. I pray to God that nothing ever happens to her, or something comes up. I thought about that from day one. Hopefully if something happens I will be a match or my other two kids will be.

 

The other MM will never get divorced.

I will never let him into her little life.

No matter what.

He wants me to tell the truth to my husband because he thinks that we will all be friends again. WHAT?? I don't want to use her just for us to be friends, and besides that will never happen in a million years. His wife will never like me and of course I understand why. It would be a total mess and I would have to Wife in my life forever.

 

The MM always puts me down.

He doesn't deserve anything from me.

I regret ever falling in love with him.

One day he misses me and tells me then the next day he said I was his mistress. And a mistress is someone for sex. It hurts to hear that. It makes me believe all his love he told me had for me was nothing. Sure I was his princess and dreamgirl.

 

I will NEVER in a million years do this again. I would rather be in a loveless, sexless marriage for my kids then to ever have to go through what I went through with him.

 

He needs to have someone burst his ego.

 

Thanks for listening.