Author Lexygirl Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Awakenedatlast, Wow thank you so much for your reply !! YES !! So much of what you said makes sense to me and is so similar to my marriage.... Especially the part about how (mostly because of childhood) he has a tough time showing emotion. I am very open and open-minded and yes VERY affectionate and feel that sex/intimacy is truly something that is needed in a relationship in order for it to be fulfilling. As far as the book 'Self Matters' ... it's funny you mention that because I just bought it at a book sale at a local library 2 weeks ago lol... I have skimmed through it so far but I will try to get into it more soon. You're right... he's not trying to withhold emotions and affection on purpose to hurt me (which I have also come to realize lately)... it's just that these things havn't been a priority and I've let it go on and on like that.... Until now... things ARE going to change on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 UPDATE... Yesterday we went to our family doctor.... I do believe it was a huge turning point ! He's been our doc for 23 years and he is a great physcial doctor BUT when it comes to matters of the heart, this man is better than any therapist/counselor out there !! He's absolutely amazing and gets right into helping.... HE knows us as well... BTW, my husband's physcial health is top notch which was great to hear. So we talked in depth about so many things that are going on with him and me and us as a couple. He made so many great points and even though I have immense insight... it was great to hear what he had to say. He suggested that my husband go to IC and that we go to MC as well. Anyway, after the doctor appointment, we went across the street and had some ice cream and slushies lol and well we were only there talking face to face for about 10 minutes but we covered SO much ground and I honestly believe he is finally starting to really 'hear me' and I am really 'hearing him' My love for him is building up more and more and my wall is starting to come down. We are going camping together this coming weekend alone. We are going to really reconnect and it is not THE answer... it's the beginning of our new lives.... Our doc even said "You two basically are starting over" So..... we shall see.... I have so much hope in my heart right now and I feel VERY happy Link to post Share on other sites
awakenedatlast Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 That's great news, lexygirl We're kind of in the same place: starting over, taking baby steps, and taking each day as it comes. Whatever the outcome for both of us (and I hope we both manage to build rock solid fulfilling marriages) I believe that things can only get better! Enjoy your weekend together Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 That's great news, lexygirl We're kind of in the same place: starting over, taking baby steps, and taking each day as it comes. Whatever the outcome for both of us (and I hope we both manage to build rock solid fulfilling marriages) I believe that things can only get better! Enjoy your weekend together Thank you so much ... I have to admit I am still cautiously optimistic... but that's to be expected. Good luck to you as well Link to post Share on other sites
manup Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Are you ever going to tell him about the other men? I find it weird he's fine with your affair. Or did the separation make it different. Good news btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 First of all.. I WAS separated when I was with other ppl... Second of all... I refuse to address this part of my life with anyone who is bitter about their own past and just wants to dwell on it just to get their jollies. I'm concentrating on the positives in my life now... So just to let you know, I will ignore anyone or anything that is toxic. Link to post Share on other sites
manup Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Not trying to be toxic, but don't you think you should tell him. Why base a relationship on lies? If you guys agreed that you could see other people during the separation then that's fin otherwise you should tell. You have this guy doing counseling and a bunch of other things, he deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
manup Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Well I just think they should be honest from here out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 So I have high hopes for this weekend away with him. We are going camping in a tent like we used to so many years ago... hopefully at a campground with a nice lake and lots of pretty scenery ... The doc suggested 'starting over' so I'm going into it with this mindset since what we have been doing hasn't been working BUT there are issues that we do need to discuss and hopefully can be incorporated into our 'new relationship' I am going to also write down some suggestions from the marriage builders website. Last but not least, I am going to see if our dynamic can be that of two healthy, mature adults who can look at each other as sexy and attractive as opposed to seeing each other as brother/sister or mommy/daddy figures which can totally put a damper on the sex life lol. To be honest, I'm pretty damn numb around him atm... I guess because it's a coping mechanism... ie. wall goes up... don't expect anything and don't get disappointed I hope this can change * sigh * Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Please.. does anyone have any suggestions for me going forward this weekend? We have decided to go somewhere and stay at a hotel... All he can talk about is activities there are in the different areas we are going to possibly stay in which is cool but for real... we just need to reconnect alone I think... Please I need support Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 First of all.. I WAS separated when I was with other ppl... Second of all... I refuse to address this part of my life with anyone who is bitter about their own past and just wants to dwell on it just to get their jollies. I'm concentrating on the positives in my life now... So just to let you know, I will ignore anyone or anything that is toxic. great strategy (your quote above). negativity serves no constructive purpose and has no useful place in anyones life. as we all know negativity is abundant in some people but that problem is theirs alone and does not need to be anyone elses burden or toxify the lives of others if they dont allow it to do so. as far as suggestions for you for this weekend, i dont have anything specific but try to go into this opportunity with an open mind and heart. he is willing to go as well, his effort is a good sign. how about just enjoying the weekend as it is in whatever ways it can be enjoyed, moment by moment, and not having this weekend represent anything for the future, just simply what it is - just this weekend. have a very nice time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Ty Forever Learning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) We went away two weekends ago and actually reconnected very well but once back into reality again things all came rushing back... I've had so much time to think and yes the harsh reality is we ARE two different ppl and the incompatibilities are just too huge now. This past weekend it became evern MORE apparent that we don't connect in day to day life much at all and 'trying' is just delaying the inevitable. There is being optimistic and then there is being foolish. I have no attraction for him anymore and he is just so into all his hobbies, etc. and he won't budge on moving homes because God forbid he has to give up his pond and barn and old cars, etc.... bleh... enough... I'm tired. There is just too much involved here to ever repair the damage and well like I say... the attraction is gone too so it's too late. I had a huge talk with him tonight and said that we have to stop kidding ourselves. He said that the weekend we went away was like going back in time and then we both agreed that we can't continue to live in the past... WE must live in the now. It's so painful... sooooo damn painful :'( I also hate to see him in pain We truly have been each other's good friends for so long... but friendship is what we have left and I truly would like to divorce with our friendship in tact before it gets ugly. I told him I will be here for him for support if he needs me. The worst thing is.. I have given up my cottage and had decided to move back to the house with him next week (27th of July) .... which means we will be on an in-house separation again until the financial stuff is sorted. We agreed that we will not be sleeping in the same bed...that's for sure but it's just going to hurt even more once I leave again for good this time. It's been tough explaining it all to the kids.... but we keep communication lines open with them and give them all the love and attention we possibly can. sigh Edited July 19, 2011 by Lexygirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Thanks for the support everyone Link to post Share on other sites
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