BrotherD Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Stripey Thanks for your post. I really got alot from it. I had a similar situation. Without going into my sad sack story, I wanted to share my experiences and viewpoint. Hope it helps... 1The Friends thing (with no sex) Um, doesn't work! It will drive you crazy. You claim "The connection was on all levels - intellectual, emotional, sexual..." Well once the SEX is in there it doesn't ever go back before you had sex...Pining and stewing is what this brings. The part about spending one more night together to talk and hold each other resonated with me as I spent umpteen nights doing the same thing, when we should have been telling each other through non verbal means (if you know what I mean...) We basically talked the romance out of it. I think that is a key issue here. People used to "court" on and other. Now we junp into the sack fairly soon, and then get to know each other. That's what's up with the "flawed" thing you spoke of. I think Im gonna get to know people first, then screw. That way I can suss out what their character/personality/ before we bond with our genitals... Yikes Link to post Share on other sites
darrysucks Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 I feel the same way as you, but it has been over a year now. I'm still heart broken. It's my fault for telling my friend about us then she ran to his wife and that's when we stopped. I believed that he would leave and we would be together forever like he always told me. Yeah ok. He still contacts me. Tells me he loves and misses me and all that crap. I think he only emails me because we have a daughter together that no one knows about, well that we made her together. Otherwise I don't think we would have any reason to stay linked together, and as far as I am concerned we still don't have any reason to be linked, because he is not "officially the father" my husband is. Its a difficult situation. It's hard and I still cannot get over alot of it. Originally posted by TZ To reachingskywards, Thank you for sharing that site. I just went to it and read the "I miss her" post by Wilfredo. Just reading his post made me break out and cry, because I feel exactly the same way. I can't stop thinking about my ex-bf/MM. He's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. And throughout the day he's on my mind. I may act normal on the surface and to everyone else I may look like "I'm holding up pretty well", but I'm shattered inside. It's been 3 weeks since we last spoke. I haven't contacted him at all. He meant a lot to me, even with all the issues he was going through, I felt a deep warmth in him that I never found with anyone else. I miss his voice, his touch, his smell... Link to post Share on other sites
smithy Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 leilab...I don't think u should contact him...because I have a feeling his silence means he's broken up with you...people break up in many many ways...& one is no contact...I fear that if you contact him he could get nasty with you...& that will hurt you even more...sometimes people figure that you're suppose to understand that silence means you know it's over...& when u don't get the message that other person could lash out @ you...try to walk away with the memories you have now... also try to put urself in his wife's shoes...u're married but your husband is seeing someone else...then he comes to his senses & decides to try to make things work...wouldn't u be so happy if your husband could do that?...just imagine how happy his wife will be because he has decided to do the same for her... on the other end of the scale (not meant to hurt you) but most married men never intend to leave their wives...& they use their wives & "working things out" as an escape route to end the outside relationship...I have a feeling he might be one of these men & will probably find someone else to date outside of the marriage once more...if you can understand that he may have manipulated you then that might help you go forward in your life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Smithy------ Backlash, what???? I may desperately want to call him, but his backlash hurting me even more? I don't think that could happen. Calling me 4 days before I had an abortion with his child to tell me that he "could not do this anymore" is probably the thing at the worst time that anyone could ever do to another human being. He is LUCKY I have controlled myself this well for the last 3 months and not contacted him or shared some of these details from him and his happy little get together with his wife. Why does he get to walk away from this without sustaining any damage? He has put me through hell, and forced me into a decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. And afterall, HE caming looking for me after 8 years because he still loved me. What's up with that? Why go asking for forgiveness and for me to take him back if his intent was to dump me? And did he ever call to find out if the abortion went alright?????? NO. So let him be happy, eh? I don't think he deserves even the garbage can food scraps. I don't know, I'll pray about the concept of revenge again. My constant forgiveness and love has definitely gotten into the way of the reality of what this creep did to me. Sorry for the rant - I am definitely P.O. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Leilab, The forgiveness for the things he's done is the part that you need to forget. Seriously! I've walked out on a relationship of 3 1/2 years because he's an alcoholic. Believe me, there was a lot of forgiveness going on there. Had quite enough of that! No more forgiving, as it's time to move on. It's OK to be angry about the time lost, of course. You've realized that you wasted your time. Sounds like you've moved on physically, but not totally mentally. How's the obsessing thing working out? Feeling any better? I'm sorry that you got an abortion. That must have been very painful emotionally for you. I'm sure that you know that any revenge would be completely not worth it. You're praying about it, so I suppose that's good! Oh, and what's the situation with your soon TBExH? Link to post Share on other sites
smithy Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 I'm sorry that I upset you Leilab...I'm a new member...& after I made my post I realized I missed about 2 pages of what happened...my post was based on the 1st page...I didn't realize their was a 2nd page & realized my mistake when it was too late (& I kinda had a feeling I would get this kinda response)...please don't rant against me...my heart was in the right place...I missed a page...I won't do that again... Link to post Share on other sites
smithy Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 sorry Leilab...I realized I should say this also... my advice was to keep you from getting hurt even more...not to make his life easier...this is all about you...& the things you can do to protect yourself from more hurt & more pain...& most women know that when they approach their love for closure OR to approach him because she hasn't heard from him for 2 weeks (or any other reason) men tend to lash out...so I didn't want you to get hurt even more...I saw your pain...I'm on your side...not his... I read more of the posts...& it's an incredibly complicated situation...all I can say is that somewhere in the whole situation you can start thinking about yourself...& part of that is not wanting to be in a situation that is not making your life better...I always believe that a relationship should make your life better & not make it worse...this situation is totally dependent on his whims...I think you can do 2 things: decide this is not working for you & move on OR stay with him but find new ways to communicate with him so that you can have a much better relationship...cause I would hate to see you in this turmoil forever...if you choose to stay do everything you can to learn a new way to approach the situation...there are so many great self-help books...there are meditations & prayers...so many things u can do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 Shamen, I'm not sure what you mean by "forgiveness for the things he's done is the part that you need to forget". That concept does not ring a bell in me. The situation with soon to be ex-spouse is slowly moving forward. As we are still living together it presents some challenges to say the least. You are right that I am doing better overall. At least when I go back through my diary I can see that I have made substantial progress in the last month. LS has definitely helped me through my issues. I am not obsessing anymore about calling him - I did leave that message because I needed for him to know that I am in the process of my divorce. But I do not feel the need to call again. So I guess it is a good thing that I got it out of my system. I am very proud of myself for making it through this for 3 months now. And I did not start drinking again either. Or any other obsession. It was pretty surprising to me to start feeling angry the other day when I posted a reply. That has been one emotion I have not felt in this grieving process. Another good sign. Smithy, You succeeded on bringing out an emotion in me that I have not felt about this situation. I have just been sad and depressed - but not angry. So thanks. And your words are wise. I was watching a divorce court several weeks and the judge said something to the same effect. She told the mother that she should only consider being in relationships that "add to her life and the life of her children" - not "take away". That is a profound statement and so true. And I have been reading a lot of self-help books. Believe me, being involved with a MM will NEVER happen to me again. I won't allow it. Thx for your comments and I am fighting myself out of this turmoil. And no matter how hard it is I will learn from this experience. I think Buddha said that only pain makes people grow and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Leilab, What I meant to say was, "Forget the forgiveness." Forget that you could forgive him for what he's done to you. Move on to the anger part, which is something that you mentioned in your post to Smithy! So, you're already moving on to that. It's totally OK to be angry with him for what has happened. But again, anger is a small movement that should only be held onto for a little while. It should be pushed into the fire at some point to move on with your life. What you heard the judge say on the divorce court show was something that I completely believe: If we can't learn and grow from the person that we are with, then what is the point of being with them? That too is a statement that I have taken a lot of comfort in in my last two break ups. I'm so glad to hear that you are doing better! Yea! If all of us could learn from our mistakes, then the world would be a much better place. Our experiences make up who we are and even though I am somewhat ashamed of some of the things that I have done in the past, I know that I wouldn't be who I am without having had them... I am stronger for them, as you will be. Journals are amazing devices for healing, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 Thanks shamen, I truly enjoy reading your responses. You have a great insight to yourself and to the world. Wisdom that grows from enduring pain and suffering. When I was with my MM I was amazed at what he managed to bring out in me. I was painting again, I wrote poetry, put together thoughtful gifts (like when he was sick), and was overall just a very creative person. I really loved that part that he brought out in me. So I figured, why let all that creativity go to waste now that I have awakened it? And why should he be the only one that ever enjoyed the products of my creativity? He surely did not deserve those gifts (they are probably in the trash......I should have asked for them back). So I completed step 1 - ordered some inspirational poetry books from the 1920s. I figured they would be great. Step 2 - I have reached a conclusion about the man I was with. He played the victim role to a fault. And he never took responsibility for himself. He was "stuck" where he is now because of his fears and inability to take responsibility and action to make his likfe better. A man of major doom and gloom. And he also ended our relationship that way. "I can't do this anymore". "It has to stop". What is that anyway? Victim!!!!!! Is somebody making you?????? More appropriate would have been an statement about a CHOICE he has made. But his decision came from a place of fear, paralysis & helplessness. Not from a place of strength and courage. His decision will not help him grow as a person not help him deal with his real issue: fear and failure. Looking at that conversation, I can just feel the heaviness of his statements. -- I will learn from this and grow from it. And life will be better because I do have the courage to take action and make decisions that will better my life. Step 3 - Put up inspiration posters in my office and home. Thx again Shamen for your post. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I want to be where you are, in that place where you're moving on with life. No wonder you give such great support and encouragement - I had no idea where you had come from - your situation - until I read your posts today. You are my hero! Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Aww, shucks, leilab. That was so sweet of you to say! I'm glad that you are getting something out of my posts. "Wisdom that grows from enduring pain and suffering," I think that I like that quote. It's so curious: I find that as I've gotten older it's become so much easier to put that part of myself away and be comfortable with it. I won't deny things are seriously weird in my life right now, but I'm also sort of at peace with it too... That's wild that he brought out your creative side! I'm happy for you that you have decided to hold onto the good part that he left with you. You go girl. A poet and a painter, eh? Whoo hoo! You mention that he played the victim in your relationship... there is another post that I saw that you posted on that talks about the MM as someone who is a little screwed up. They can't be happy with their "real life," so they go out and create a fantasy one. Wow; the things that he said are really heavy. It is strange that we can go back and look at things that people said to us and see it for something completely different than we saw it then. You didn't see it before, but do now. Hindsight is always 20/20 (trite, but true). Look at that post of yours again if you ever (which it doesn't sound like you will) feel the need to contact him again! Inspirational posters are good medicine. I've got several little things that I've cut out of places on a bulletin board in my kitchen. Nothing like a reminder on "How to succeed in the world by really trying," ya know? That's probably why teachers put those kinds of posters up in school: to remind the students (and themselves) that one can be whatever and whomever they choose to. Link to post Share on other sites
lostlostlost Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 I have just left my first post trying to get help with being the other woman. I have read your post and the replys. I have no advice I only wanted to say, me and my MM have tried that ( no contact) many times over the years. One or the other of us has always given in within hours. I give you credit for making it this long. Do what will make you feel better. He has had the best of both worlds so he don't have a problem in doing what makes him feel better. OK, maybe that did sound like advice I did not mean it to I just understand your pain. Thats all. Link to post Share on other sites
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