Thinking about her so much..

[lostguy01]

I must warn you, my situation is pretty complicated.

 

I've been talking to this girl since jr. year in high school, which was back in 08. But here's the thing, for several years she has been dealing with a break up from her ex way back in middle school. She never got over him. (yeah, she was young but Love can happen at anytime, so please don't judge) She took the risk in trying to create a relationship with me hoping that she could get over him. I understood what she was going through and I said hey, i'll still be here trying to fight for you. And I have been, and it's 2011. Throughout the years we basically became a couple, minus the title because she wasn't necessarily ready to make it official--but we knew what we were so we didn't care. But she still didn't really let go of her ex. Yeah yeah yeah, we told each other we loved each other and meant it. Yadda yadda yadda, and then this past Sunday, the unexpected happen. Her ex, passed away in a car accident. Of all people, it was him. At that point she told me, " i don't want to be with anyone anymore. no one." and basically left me here. Today is Sunday, and it already has been a week. I try to talk to her, she says leave me alone. I call, no answers. She's completely blocking me. She tells me that I have to forget about her, move on, and find someone else. But me being me, I don't care. I'm still going to fight--- I don't want to lose her. She was my everything. I cry and cry and cry 24/7. I lost the person I love, my bestfriend, my everything. I don't know what to do. I even started cutting myself (I KNOW I KNOW IT ISN'T RIGHT TO DO IT, SO PLEASE DON'T MENTION IT.) I'm a complete wreck. I don't eat... I don't do anything. I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces.. she also said we can no longer be 'together' and if anything, the only thing we can be is friends. I fought so long for her and I don't want to give up....

 

I don't know what to do. I need help......

Edited July 3, 2011 by lostguy01

[smudge21]

First off, you need to get some help as you're already going too far with the whole cutting yourself thing. That needs to stop and you know it. If the advice you get here doesn't convince you of that, then please go see a doctor or speak to a family member, anyone really.

 

You must have read other threads on here by now and they all say the same thing - no contact. It really is the only way to go but it is also the most difficult. Your ex has made it quite clear that right now, at this point in her life, she wants to be alone. You have to respect that otherwise you'll just continue to push her further and further away. You may think you're doing the right thing but you're making it worse. She needs to deal with her own emotions and you need to deal with yours. In a way, you're both very similar, dealing with loss and sadness. Except both of you are so hurt you can't accept how hurt the other is. You both need time. No contact will give you this time.

 

Try to think back to how you were when you met her. How you were when she fell for you. Was it anything like you are now? I'm guessing now. We all act crazy when things go wrong and do exactly what you're doing, but see it from the other side. Do you think she'd find that attractive? Of course not, you're not being the guy she fell for. But no one will knock you for that - you're hurt and all those emotions are just flooding out of you right now, screwing with your head and heart. You can't think straight, sleep or eat. I know. Been there. We all have.

 

So what's the solution? What's the easy fix? How do you get her back? When will it happen? Sadly, if you're looking for definite answers to these questions then you need to accept there aren't any. Every situation and person is different. Plus there is no quick fix. You have to do what is right for you - others will suggest differing advice and you need to gather all that advice up and decide which of it to follow, if any. Thats the thing with advice, it's easy to give, hard to follow (I know - here I am chucking out advice yet I still make the same mistakes as everyone else - and that's an important thing to remember, we all make mistakes, so you're not alone).

 

My personal take on this is yes, no contact has to be started straight away, no question on that. But I would suggest sending her an email or letter, just clearing the air, otherwise you'll be constantly beating yourself up over what you should or shouldn't have said to her. Consider the letter the final time you'll speak to her (have a moment to take that in), then draft something up but don't send it. Give it a day then re-read it. Then change it and re-read it again a day later. Keep doing that until you have something that says how you feel about her, how much you miss her, how you will leave her alone and hope that she heals in time, how you will be there for her should things change and finally how much you respect and care for her so only wish she can heal herself and find the happiness she deserves.

 

This situation is a bit different to others as it's not as if she's just cheated and then dumped you, it was clear from the start there were issues there. She never faced them and instead tried to ignore them. That never works. Now it's all come back to hurt her. I believe a letter saying goodbye will show that you respect her wishes and only care for her well being. Yeah, chances are she may not read it straight away but she will read it at somepoint, but that's not your concern. You need to think about yourself and deal with your own healing.

 

No contact is incredibly tough - it can be so easy to slip up (many do, including myself), but that's okay as you just get back to it. You learn from those mistakes. Read a few other threads and see how others are coping. But please, stop the self harm.

 

Stay strong, just remember that we all have to go through bad times like these so we can appreciate the good times. The two go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. Good luck.