I think reality has (finally) set in

[DCMNW]

Hi All,

 

I've posted here before about my situation and I think reality has finally set in.

 

I've been trying to be "friends" with xMM for a couple months now while he "figures out his life" aka tries to work on his M. Some days are good, some not so much. A few weeks ago he tells me things at home aren't getting better and that he can't live this way forever but for the sake of kids right now, he can't leave....you know the story. He has never said he would leave for me (which I wouldn't want anyways), but when he talks about how things aren't going well at home it gives me that "hope" that is so unhealthy to have.

 

Fast forward a few weeks after this conversation, he suddenly doesn't call for a few days and when he does call I find out he went to a concert with his W recently and they are going on an annual family vacation they do every year. Huh...doesn't sound like things are going that badly...

 

I'm also (finally) starting to realize he is way more attentive with me when things are "not going well" (calls all the time, asks to go to lunch, etc) and then when things get better at home for a few days I suddenly don't hear from him. I guess when he is getting attention from the W there is really no need for me anymore.

 

Anyway I'm in NC mode now only because he's out of town and it's amazing how eye opening it is when I've had some time to just focus on myself without him confusing me and putting me in the "fog". I know it's only a matter of time for him to come around again and want my attention.

 

I think I've come to the conclusion I just need to tell him I can't do the "friends" thing right now, he needs to focus on his M and unless he has filed for D to not call me. We work together so I can't totally avoid him though. This rollercoaster is just getting to exhausting. If he was consistent in his behavior it would be one thing but this coming/going/pulling away stuff is getting old.

 

Thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

I think I've come to the conclusion I just need to tell him I can't do the "friends" thing right now, he needs to focus on his M and unless he has filed for D to not call me. We work together so I can't totally avoid him though. This rollercoaster is just getting to exhausting. If he was consistent in his behavior it would be one thing but this coming/going/pulling away stuff is getting old.

Yes and no. Tell him you can't do the friends thing EVER (not 'right now') and that it's over completely. No need to tell him to focus on his marriage, he already IS by living life with his wife and kids.

 

Don't let him manipulate you back or tell you what you 'want' to hear, or allow him to give you hope.

 

From what you've said he doesn't seem to be a man looking to leave his wife and kids, divorce and start over. He seems to be a man who is just happy enough having an A, someone on the side to make him feel good on HIS TERMS. You know this ... Please, rid of that last bit of hope you have. He isn't yours, he never was...

 

Sorry that you are hurting.. Focus on the way you're feeling right NOW, him not there.. Imagine feeling like that ALL of the time, no more constant pain and wondering wtf all the time!

[YellowShark]

I think you've finally seen the light that you are plan "B" when things are bad at home for MM. Most OW are. They just don't want to accept it because they are in " the fog."

 

I am happy you are no longer wanting to be table scraps and have regained some wisdom that an affair is unhealthy and toxic.

 

Best of luck, don't be used again.

[DCMNW]

Yes and no. Tell him you can't do the friends thing EVER (not 'right now')

and that it's over completely. No need to tell him to focus on his marriage, he

already IS by living life with his wife and kids.

 

WWIU- yes I agree we can't be friends ever. As for focusing on the marriage, I know he is trying to, but obviously not fully because he is keeping me in his life. So he needs to focus on his marriage WITHOUT having me on the side to come to when he needs attention.

I could have written that first part exactly. As a matter of fact, I've said

that many times in my self exploration after xMM, that *I* was the one

responsible for carrying out the fantasy that we'd be together. It's human

nature to assess any situation put in front of us. But when we have an

emotional investment in the outcome, it is so easy to start deluding ourselves

that "this means that" and how that affects, or will affect us. I gave xMM a

lot of credit for not making promises, etc. But ya know, he never had to ask me

to wait. I was so good at taking every little thing and analyzing it to the

point I was convinced that it was only a matter of time. I did his dirty work

for him .

 

Thanks sadintexas. I do take responsbility for deluding myself although when xMM and I were in a full PA/EA he definitely made comments about the future and me being in it. Comments on moving in with him eventually, meeting the kids, etc...but its true he never flat at said he would leave the marriage for me. It was more that his M was falling apart and he was waiting for his W to make a decision about whether to leave or not because she was the one who initially told him she was done with the M. This is still pathetic on my part as I was always just the back up, and still am now but in a different way, by him keeping me around as a "friend". I guess this is so he doesn't feel guilty about anything and I can't put any "expectations" on him like before since I'm now in the friend box.

Edited July 3, 2011 by DCMNW

[spice4life]

WWIU- yes I agree we can't be friends ever. As for focusing on the marriage, I know he is trying to, but obviously not fully because he is keeping me in his life. So he needs to focus on his marriage WITHOUT having me on the side to come to when he needs attention.

 

 

Thanks sadintexas. I do take responsbility for deluding myself although when xMM and I were in a full PA/EA he definitely made comments about the future and me being in it. Comments on moving in with him eventually, meeting the kids, etc...but its true he never flat at said he would leave the marriage for me. It was more that his M was falling apart and he was waiting for his W to make a decision about whether to leave or not because she was the one who initially told him she was done with the M. This is still pathetic on my part as I was always just the back up, and still am now but in a different way, by him keeping me around as a "friend". I guess this is so he doesn't feel guilty about anything and I can't put any "expectations" on him like before since I'm now in the friend box.

 

I'm going to take this a step further and say own that you were manipulated by a very talented actor. I know you may not want to hear it now, but the day will come when this realization hits you over the head. Don't beat yourself up though because this happens to a lot of people during vulnerable times in their lives. Don't let him keep you as a friend in a box if you can help it. It's best to cut the cord completely so you have the space and distance you need to heal and move on. Get yourself out of the fog...it helps.

 

I deluded myself too while in the fog and as I look back, his actions never showed I was anything more than distraction to keep his marriage going. If you cut the cord and allow yourself to heal, one day the anger will surge to the surface to keep the fog at bay for good! Stay strong and value who YOU are and the rest will fall into place.

[TurningTables]

Hiya DCMNW. I went back and read your back story. You story is similar to mine ( as alot of them are here on LS..isnt that sad?) Anyways, I was put in the "box" as you put it, waiting (but I told myself I wasent) for him to figure out what he was going to do with his M. Take it from me, you cannot be friends after feelings have been involved. You cannot talk to him while he is trying to figure things out. It dosent work. It will keep you in the same spot and hoping that things will change. I decided this weekend to stop being a doormat and letting him make all the decisions. He will probably come back to you with things like "pressuring him" to make a decision, making you feel guilty ( I heard that 3 days ago). Its going to hurt.It really sucks.

 

My advice is go listen to everyone here: Go to NC. And if you fall off the wagon, its ok. You can pick yourself up and get back on. I know, I did. I am really starting to believe that no one is where they dont want to be. Everyone has a choice and I think that these MM/MW know what they want. They are just too chicken to make a stand because stepping out into the unknown is scary. I just now have figured out I dont want someone like that. I want someone that is gonna jump off that bridge with me with no looking back.

Good luck to you. Hugs

[MissBee]

Hi All,

 

I've posted here before about my situation and I think reality has finally set in.

 

I've been trying to be "friends" with xMM for a couple months now while he "figures out his life" aka tries to work on his M. Some days are good, some not so much. A few weeks ago he tells me things at home aren't getting better and that he can't live this way forever but for the sake of kids right now, he can't leave....you know the story. He has never said he would leave for me (which I wouldn't want anyways), but when he talks about how things aren't going well at home it gives me that "hope" that is so unhealthy to have.

 

Fast forward a few weeks after this conversation, he suddenly doesn't call for a few days and when he does call I find out he went to a concert with his W recently and they are going on an annual family vacation they do every year. Huh...doesn't sound like things are going that badly...

 

I'm also (finally) starting to realize he is way more attentive with me when things are "not going well" (calls all the time, asks to go to lunch, etc) and then when things get better at home for a few days I suddenly don't hear from him. I guess when he is getting attention from the W there is really no need for me anymore.

 

Anyway I'm in NC mode now only because he's out of town and it's amazing how eye opening it is when I've had some time to just focus on myself without him confusing me and putting me in the "fog". I know it's only a matter of time for him to come around again and want my attention.

 

I think I've come to the conclusion I just need to tell him I can't do the "friends" thing right now, he needs to focus on his M and unless he has filed for D to not call me. We work together so I can't totally avoid him though. This rollercoaster is just getting to exhausting. If he was consistent in his behavior it would be one thing but this coming/going/pulling away stuff is getting old.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

It's great to have your own epiphanies as they set in much stronger than other people telling you something.

 

I think the bolded is a superb plan.

 

I literally let out an exasperated sigh reading what you wrote, as I know that exhausting, emotional roller coaster. I had that with my ex (he was single). The whole "we're on a break, but let's be friends while he figures out what he wants" Pretty much, like your MM, everything is on his terms and I am the only one truly waiting. He was a yo yo. Some days he said things and did things that made me smile and feel hopeful that we'd reconcile and then when I didn't hear from him or heard through the grapevine (Facebook ) that he was out and about but just wasn't speaking to me...then it was a downward spiral.

 

Doing NC was the best thing! I got off the rollercoaster and left him to his own devises. It allowed me to be able to have some much needed perspective and for things to play out as they would just without the drama and headache and without me allowing myself to be used at his convenience.

 

Take care of yourself and don't play the friend role...it simply can't work. If things are meant to be, you taking that time for yourself and for him to do what he needs to do won't stop that...believe me. If it does, welll....it wasn't meant to be then, and you're better off in another situation and with another person.

[spice4life]

Hiya DCMNW. I went back and read your back story. You story is similar to mine ( as alot of them are here on LS..isnt that sad?) Anyways, I was put in the "box" as you put it, waiting (but I told myself I wasent) for him to figure out what he was going to do with his M. Take it from me, you cannot be friends after feelings have been involved. You cannot talk to him while he is trying to figure things out. It dosent work. It will keep you in the same spot and hoping that things will change. I decided this weekend to stop being a doormat and letting him make all the decisions. He will probably come back to you with things like "pressuring him" to make a decision, making you feel guilty ( I heard that 3 days ago). Its going to hurt.It really sucks.

 

My advice is go listen to everyone here: Go to NC. And if you fall off the wagon, its ok. You can pick yourself up and get back on. I know, I did. I am really starting to believe that no one is where they dont want to be. Everyone has a choice and I think that these MM/MW know what they want. They are just too chicken to make a stand because stepping out into the unknown is scary. I just now have figured out I dont want someone like that. I want someone that is gonna jump off that bridge with me with no looking back.

Good luck to you. Hugs

 

Excellent post TurningTables! And who freaking cares if the MM feels pressure right? Look at the pressure they put the OW under just so they can continue being complete cake eating cowards that are not forced to make any decisions. Pay-day always comes and that is when you will see his true colors. Is he the man he made himself out to be or is he nothing more than a lying cheating cake eating POS that will move onto to some other poor vulnerable victim?

[MissBee]

Re: the bolded above in order (because I suck at breaking the posts down nicely into all the separate quotes lol).

 

I could have written that first part exactly. As a matter of fact, I've said that many times in my self exploration after xMM, that *I* was the one responsible for carrying out the fantasy that we'd be together. It's human nature to assess any situation put in front of us. But when we have an emotional investment in the outcome, it is so easy to start deluding ourselves that "this means that" and how that affects, or will affect us. I gave xMM a lot of credit for not making promises, etc. But ya know, he never had to ask me to wait. I was so good at taking every little thing and analyzing it to the point I was convinced that it was only a matter of time. I did his dirty work for him .

I noticed a definite correlation between how he portrayed the M and the amount of time we spent together. The more time we spent together, the more tolerable things were. When I'd pull away, he was miserable in the M. Even though that seems to differ from what you're saying, my experience led me to the belief that as long as we keep giving anything of ourselves, they don't have to really face what's going on. So I think the result is the same. They need to be left alone to deal with their M and not be given a place to escape.

 

He may be confusing you, but he's not putting you in the fog. You're giving him too much power and credit by saying that. You are responsible for you. I'm glad you're seeing the dynamics here and that you're making a choice that you feel is good for you. I tend to agree with your choice

 

 

 

Omg....that was me.....that was the worst....

 

I've learned and am still learning though...smh

 

I about want to either or and shake my head when I think of my analyses...it was psychology research journal worthy! I carried this on for a while and made it my mission to fix us...and to understand and I envisioned the entire plan of how this meant that and he never asked me to do certain things (but I of course was convinced he didn't know how to ask versus taking it that he did NOT want it, hence no asking) but I sure took it upon myself and tried to hold him to flimsy promises he made and just carried on the whole thing way past its expiration date.

[spice4life]

 

Omg....that was me.....that was the worst....

 

I've learned and am still learning though...smh

 

I about want to either or and shake my head when I think of my analyses...it was psychology research journal worthy! I carried this on for a while and made it my mission to fix us...and to understand and I envisioned the entire plan of how this meant that and he never asked me to do certain things (but I of course was convinced he didn't know how to ask versus taking it that he did NOT want it, hence no asking) but I sure took it upon myself and tried to hold him to flimsy promises he made and just carried on the whole thing way past its expiration date.

 

It's those darn things called actions again isn't it? If I have learned anything from this whole sordid experience is that I will never ever listen to a man's words if they are NOT backing them up with actions. If a man wants you, he will move heaven and earth to make that happen and never believe anything less! I learned that from my daughters relationship. Her bf traveled hours to spend every night by her side when she was in the hospital and got up to go to work in the morning. And they had only been dating for five months! Even the night nurse (who was a guy) said, "now that is man in love!"

[MissBee]

It's those darn things called actions again isn't it? If I have learned anything from this whole sordid experience is that I will never ever listen to a man's words if they are NOT backing them up with actions. If a man wants you, he will move heaven and earth to make that happen and never believe anything less! I learned that from my daughters relationship. Her bf traveled hours to spend every night by her side when she was in the hospital and got up to go to work in the morning. And they had only been dating for five months! Even the night nurse (who was a guy) said, "now that is man in love!"

 

 

Awwww @ your daughter's relationship Doesn't every woman deserve that? Yes!

 

But yes....it's very tempting to keep trying to cash "empty talk checks" although there is no money (actions) in the bank or the money in the bank is waaaaaaay less than what the check amount is written out for. But you just want so bad to believe that the check is good. Anyone can write an entire book of checks regardless of if they have money in the bank. Likewise anyone can talk and talk and talk and write sonnets of their love without ever actually doing any action.

 

I know what I do when I care for and love a man....and I have seen some great examples from my brother and my uncle whose relationships I admire, they adore their fiance and wife, respectively, and much like a parent moves heaven and earth for their child, so too do my brother and uncle move heaven and earth for the women they love!

 

That's what I want and what I am also willing to give. I am therefore no longer quick to run off with a man's "talk check" Nice try sir. It's like giving me a counterfeit hundred dollar bill now, I've had so many, that I know when it's not real. I don't get excited and run off to get some new shoes simply because you handed me some fake money....I examine it first and make sure it is what it looks like before I get myself into trouble.

[DCMNW]

Hiya DCMNW. I went back and read your back story. You story is similar to mine ( as alot of them are here on LS..isnt that sad?) Anyways, I was put in the "box" as you put it, waiting (but I told myself I wasent) for him to figure out what he was going to do with his M. Take it from me, you cannot be friends after feelings have been involved. You cannot talk to him while he is trying to figure things out. It dosent work. It will keep you in the same spot and hoping that things will change. I decided this weekend to stop being a doormat and letting him make all the decisions. He will probably come back to you with things like "pressuring him" to make a decision, making you feel guilty ( I heard that 3 days ago). Its going to hurt.It really sucks.

 

My advice is go listen to everyone here: Go to NC. And if you fall off the wagon, its ok. You can pick yourself up and get back on. I know, I did. I am really starting to believe that no one is where they dont want to be. Everyone has a choice and I think that these MM/MW know what they want. They are just too chicken to make a stand because stepping out into the unknown is scary. I just now have figured out I dont want someone like that. I want someone that is gonna jump off that bridge with me with no looking back.

Good luck to you. Hugs

 

Thanks so much. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Yeah being in the "friend box" is extremely difficult because I can't turn off my feelings like he apparently can. That's if his feelings for me were ever real in the first place...Good for you for finally putting your foot down! It should make him face the situation on his own now without having you to turn to whenever he feels like it!

 

Love the statement about wanting someone to jump off the bridge with you without looking back. Thats what we all deserve, someone who doesn't question whether they want to be with us and yo yo back and forth!

[MissBee]

Thanks so much. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Yeah being in the "friend box" is extremely difficult because I can't turn off my feelings like he apparently can. That's if his feelings for me were ever real in the first place...Good for you for finally putting your foot down! It should make him face the situation on his own now without having you to turn to whenever he feels like it!

 

Love the statement about wanting someone to jump off the bridge with you without looking back. Thats what we all deserve, someone who doesn't question whether they want to be with us and yo yo back and forth!

 

Indeed

 

Life isn't perfect, but sometimes people use that as an excuse to accept WAY more, or way less actually, than they need to.

 

I'd rather aim for the moon and land on a star, as the saying goes, than aim for the sky and fall on a tree branch.

[DCMNW]

 

I literally let out an exasperated sigh reading what you wrote, as I know that exhausting, emotional roller coaster. I had that with my ex (he was single). The whole "we're on a break, but let's be friends while he figures out what he wants" Pretty much, like your MM, everything is on his terms and I am the only one truly waiting. He was a yo yo. Some days he said things and did things that made me smile and feel hopeful that we'd reconcile and then when I didn't hear from him or heard through the grapevine (Facebook ) that he was out and about but just wasn't speaking to me...then it was a downward spiral.

 

Doing NC was the best thing! I got off the rollercoaster and left him to his own devises. It allowed me to be able to have some much needed perspective and for things to play out as they would just without the drama and headache and without me allowing myself to be used at his convenience.

 

Take care of yourself and don't play the friend role...it simply can't work. If things are meant to be, you taking that time for yourself and for him to do what he needs to do won't stop that...believe me. If it does, welll....it wasn't meant to be then, and you're better off in another situation and with another person.

 

Thanks Miss Bee! Oh I know what you mean about the yo-yoing- when xMM suddenly starting calling alot again and asking me out for lunch I overanalyzed everything. At the same time this behavior started again he said his M was still a mess and not getting better. I thought, oh well he must be realizing he can't save his M and will finally leave her! NOT. A few weeks later he's distant again and off on a family vacation. Classic.

 

I know, I need to just get off the rollercoaster and focus on me and why I let myself get so deep into this situation.

[MissBee]

Thanks Miss Bee! Oh I know what you mean about the yo-yoing- when xMM suddenly starting calling alot again and asking me out for lunch I overanalyzed everything. At the same time this behavior started again he said his M was still a mess and not getting better. I thought, oh well he must be realizing he can't save his M and will finally leave her! NOT. A few weeks later he's distant again and off on a family vacation. Classic.

 

I know, I need to just get off the rollercoaster and focus on me and why I let myself get so deep into this situation.

 

Girl....

 

I always say, I'd rather accept the disappointment and hurt ONCE and move on. If it is "meant to be", I'd rather it knock me over the head when I've moved on than to every day/week/couple weeks/months I get my hopes up, have them shattered, then the cycle starts over and over again like I'm a human punching bag.

[DCMNW]

 

Omg....that was me.....that was the worst....

 

I've learned and am still learning though...smh

 

I about want to either or and shake my head when I think of my analyses...it was psychology research journal worthy! I carried this on for a while and made it my mission to fix us...and to understand and I envisioned the entire plan of how this meant that and he never asked me to do certain things (but I of course was convinced he didn't know how to ask versus taking it that he did NOT want it, hence no asking) but I sure took it upon myself and tried to hold him to flimsy promises he made and just carried on the whole thing way past its expiration date.

 

I can totally relate to this. I keep replaying statements he said to me MONTHS ago, telling me he's falling in love with me, asking me if I feel ready to possibly be a stepmom to his kids in the future, possibly move in together down the road, oh I could go on. But the fact is I am hanging on to these words thinking this is still what he wants, that he still loves me he just cant verbalize it right now because he doesn't want to "hurt me" or "lead me on" and he is trying to work on the M at the same time. What a distorted way to think. God I am an utter mess!

[MissBee]

I can totally relate to this. I keep replaying statements he said to me MONTHS ago, telling me he's falling in love with me, asking me if I feel ready to possibly be a stepmom to his kids in the future, possibly move in together down the road, oh I could go on. But the fact is I am hanging on to these words thinking this is still what he wants, that he still loves me he just cant verbalize it right now because he doesn't want to "hurt me" or "lead me on" and he is trying to work on the M at the same time. What a distorted way to think. God I am an utter mess!

 

It happens to the best of us DC....

 

The phenomena you describe sounds like what's called "future faking", which is a hard thing to get over. I would encourage you to google the site baggage reclaim, I recommend it to most women, single, dating, in an affair, with some loser, with a good guy, just in general! It talks a lot about that phenomena, NC and soooo many issues that arise in affairs and other less-than relationship scenarios. It helped me a lot and I think reading the articles as well as the comments from other women who were just as intelligent, accomplished, etc who got in some weird scenarios...you'll feel better that you're not alone and you'll be able to get a better handle on moving forward from it as well as not repeating it.

 

An excerpt from the site on future faking says:

 

When some is a Future Faker they via their words and initial actions give you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present. They make thinly veiled or even direct references to stuff like marriage, babies, moving in together, going on holiday, being together the following year and other such things that imply or state that you’re a part of their life, and then they either disappear or replace the person you thought they were with someone altogether different.

 

If you can’t get over them, it’s because you haven’t accepted that what was on offer wasn’t real.

Instead, particularly if you already have low self-esteem, you believe that it was all real and that you said or did something no matter how tiny it was to scare them off or to retract the future or actions that they promised.

 

People who are involved with unavailable’s wonder what they did to ‘make’ them this way, whether they’ve misunderstood, are going crazy, or what they can do to change themselves or them to make it work.

 

Next thing you know you’re pursuing them to hold up their end of the bargain. They back away from you and no doubt give you a hard time, or you end up staying in a relationship long past its sell by date with someone whose actions don’t match their words and you thinking that you have to put in double time to ‘retrieve’ the person they ‘sold’ to you and the relationship you were going to get, and ‘recoup’ your investment.

 

Be under no illusions, someone’s actions not matching their words is symptomatic of being involved with an unavailable and/or an assclown. To persist in blaming yourself for what did and din’t materialise is to absolve them of their responsibility.

 

 

That was bits and pieces, you should check it out for yourself though and see if anything helps.

[TurningTables]

I can totally relate to this. I keep replaying statements he said to me MONTHS ago, telling me he's falling in love with me, asking me if I feel ready to possibly be a stepmom to his kids in the future, possibly move in together down the road, oh I could go on. But the fact is I am hanging on to these words thinking this is still what he wants, that he still loves me he just cant verbalize it right now because he doesn't want to "hurt me" or "lead me on" and he is trying to work on the M at the same time. What a distorted way to think. God I am an utter mess!

 

Dont worry you werent the only one that played right into this. My xMM also was telling me that he wanted to introduce me to his young child. He also would say if anything ever happen to his M, that he would still keep in touch with his W's parents..they were good people. He eluded to the fact all the time that their M was in its final stages. Im starting to wonder if there is a handbook that these MM pass around to share!

[DCMNW]

Thanks MissBee I've been on that site a few times and I'm going to read up on that "future faking". Sounds like exactly what my xMM did!!

 

TurningTables- oh I hear you, its unbelievable how similar these MM are. Yours and mine in particular though. My xMM did the same thing in making me believe the M was in its final stage. I would hear things like "I asked her to move out", etc.

 

I dont know if you think this about your xMM, but I am not convinced that my xMM was so distraught and terrified of the thought of his W leaving him and being ALONE (he has been married for a long time) that when I came along he began talking of our future together, as if I would immediately take her place. He told me on multiple occasions he was scared to be alone because his W is all he knows and he hasnt been "single" since he was a teenager.

 

Looking back this should have been a huge red flag to me, and actually it was. I even brought up my concerns about being worried I was just "filling a void" etc but he would convince me I wasn't and that he had never felt such a strong connection with someone so quick, bla bla

 

Of course as soon as I started believing all his words and put expectations on him he bailed, saying he cant "give me what I want" right now and that he didn't mean to "mislead me". But of course then just pursued me to stay "friends"...which brings me to where I am now, still a mess ha!

[TurningTables]

Thanks MissBee I've been on that site a few times and I'm going to read up on that "future faking". Sounds like exactly what my xMM did!!

 

TurningTables- oh I hear you, its unbelievable how similar these MM are. Yours and mine in particular though. My xMM did the same thing in making me believe the M was in its final stage. I would hear things like "I asked her to move out", etc.

 

I dont know if you think this about your xMM, but I am not convinced that my xMM was so distraught and terrified of the thought of his W leaving him and being ALONE (he has been married for a long time) that when I came along he began talking of our future together, as if I would immediately take her place. He told me on multiple occasions he was scared to be alone because his W is all he knows and he hasnt been "single" since he was a teenager.

 

Looking back this should have been a huge red flag to me, and actually it was. I even brought up my concerns about being worried I was just "filling a void" etc but he would convince me I wasn't and that he had never felt such a strong connection with someone so quick, bla bla

 

Of course as soon as I started believing all his words and put expectations on him he bailed, saying he cant "give me what I want" right now and that he didn't mean to "mislead me". But of course then just pursued me to stay "friends"...which brings me to where I am now, still a mess ha!

 

 

I have learned via here that words are just words until they are put into action. Fortunately, my xMM never told me he was moving out or anything like that. Like I stated before, I did hear about the pressure with him making a decision. I informed him as soon as I realized how I felt, that we needed to make some changes. ( IF he stayed with his W, goodbye to me) We were friends over a span of 20 years and then best friends for the past 2. We were only involved in a EA, which was bad enough. He shared everything with me and I often questioned him about sharing this with his W instead. I still have many many unanswered questions that will be just that: unanswered. Looking back for many OW/OM, there were red flags all over the place. We just didnt notice. However, I can state clearly: I know NOW what I didnt know THEN.