I want to know the truth. Why now?

[spice4life]

Hi all! Something struck a cord in me after reading that article about couples allowing infidelity in their marriage and I think need some tough love from you fine people to talk me down off this ledge of anger. I never posted my full story so I will fill you in on the important details to get your insights. First let me say, I have put all of the affair stuff behind me and have been doing extremely well building a life for myself both personally and professionally and no longer hold onto ant hope where he is concerned.

 

The thing is, after reading that article, I find myself wanting to know the truth about why he did what he did to me! To give you some background, we met when he was separated, or so I thought because that is what he told me anyway. We were on and off for about a yar and I never took him serious because he straight out told me he didn't want any comittments with me. So, I dated and talked to others, one being my exbf (long story for another day). Then one day it hit me that I was in love with him (xMM) after about 8 months and decided to tell him. I stopped dating others at that point because I'm a very loyal person to the people that matter to me. Well, all he** broke loose from there.

 

I found out keylogging software was installed on my computer, my emails were being read etc. I found out that he did in fact have feelings for me (or so I thought) and felt I was cheating on him by living my life and seeing others. I never knew any of this and was conducting my life based on what he told me...that he didn't want any commitments. I was put through a whole rebuilding exercise as if was a cheater, which I am not! And this was done through Internet therapy.

 

This all went on for a loooong time and we saw each other off and on, but his actions never changed. He still conducted himself as if he was a MM and treated me like I was a secret. Since his treatment of me stayed the same, as time went on I slowly mourned myself out of the whole affair attachment and started living my life for me. We remained in contact, he never came clean about the whole thing and I thought maybe I put it all behind me...until I read that article!

 

Now I'm wondering if all of that crap I was put though was his punishment for cheating on his wife and that she was aware and monitoring it the whole time. Like they were trying to drive the point home that he could be physically involved with me, but not emotionally. He certainly treated me that way over and over again, even after I told him I didn't want to be treated in that way. He never came clean with me about why I was put through that ridulous rebuilding exercise and I guess he thought I had forgiven him for it and swept it under the rug. In all honesty, I thought I did too! Until now!

 

The past few days I have been filled with anger about it all and now I want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I want to confront this whole thing with him! I feel stuck on it and feel the need to confront him (and her if she was a part of it) so I can finally move past it once and for all. If this was some sort of agreement they had, why did they decide it was okay to manipulate my life in this way? I never signed on for it and I never gave him/them permission to do this to me. I didn't know any of the details about their marriage and I never asked, so why did they feel entitled to include me in this under the rules they set up? I never consented to that and now I am feeling really angry about it all!

 

Am I at the anger phase of mourning this affair? Should I confront him or them if my instincts are right? If I am right, why do people feel they have the right to mess with another person's life in that way?!

 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Somebody talk me off this ledge before I do something stupid.

[whichwayisup]

How long have you been in NC mode?

 

I wouldn't contact him OR her. You've realized some things, and you're triggered, reacting and upset/mad. Write a letter, for theraputic reasons only but do not send!

 

Contacting them (him) would be a HUGE mistake and something you'll regret.

 

Somehow, you need to make peace with things and try to make it simple. Your mind is spinning and making this more complicated and dramatic.

 

You're in a good place now, personally and professionally! Don't go and mess that up because now you feel you want that closure! Make your own closure by doing your best to accept that you may not know all the answers, the why's and how's .. Make yourself believe that it really doesn't matter, especially now since you ARE healing and on a better path.

 

Hope this helps.

[Spark1111]

oUCH! You have made some great strides in your life.

 

Why open this can of worms? If could be a myriad of reasons, mainly, he wanted to ensure that you would not contact his wife I would assume, or still be in contact with your xbf.

 

Presented under the guise of rebuilding exercise, or jealousy, or whatever.

 

Because cheaters live with their deception daily, they project suspicion onto everyone else.

 

Many a BS will tell you that the WS's suspicion can kill reconciliation. Because they found it so easy to lie to the face of a trusting loved one, they assume everyone else can do it just as easily.

 

To think it more than that is hugely speculative, don't you agree?

 

And to contact him, or them at this point, I think could prove disasterous.

 

Do you really expect to get the truth?

 

Do not set yourself up to be hurt again. You have come to far.

[YellowShark]

Many a BS will tell you that the WS's suspicion can kill reconciliation. Because they found it so easy to lie to the face of a trusting loved one, they assume everyone else can do it just as easily.

 

FACT.

 

Additionally as a BS I can tell you that the WS uses the lack of trust from the BS as a hammer to beat the BS over the head with. As in, "your lack of faith in me is ruining our reconcilliation."

 

It's such a toxic, no-win situation for the BS sometimes.

[spice4life]

Thank you wwiu. You hit the nail on the head when you said I am triggered. I am triggered and feel as mad as a bee trapped in a jar! We have been in NC off and on and have contact due to work. This affair went through many phases over the past few years and I finally reached a point where it didn't run my life anymore...thankfully.

 

Writing a letter is great idea and let me tell you, I've written so many it could be classified as a 3 volume series! I truly thought I was past the whole ordeal until I was triggered by that article. I just feel like it is so unfair! He got his closure by coercing a complete confession out of me about that time and we weren't even in a commited relationship when all of that happened. And that confession wasn't all that long ago! Don't I deserve the same in return so I can move past this? He got what he wanted and I am left hanging and forced to come to closure all on my own. It just seems so unfair! I just want him to man-up (!) and tell me the whole truth. I think it's the least he can do after what he put me through.

 

I know you are right and that I need to come to closure on my own, but it feels so unfair that he got what he wanted and doesn't have the guts to come clean with me. I have given that closure advice to others and now I know how they feel. I thought I was truly past this. :\

[spice4life]

oUCH! You have made some great strides in your life.

 

Why open this can of worms? If could be a myriad of reasons, mainly, he wanted to ensure that you would not contact his wife I would assume, or still be in contact with your xbf.

 

Presented under the guise of rebuilding exercise, or jealousy, or whatever.

 

Because cheaters live with their deception daily, they project suspicion onto everyone else.

 

Many a BS will tell you that the WS's suspicion can kill reconciliation. Because they found it so easy to lie to the face of a trusting loved one, they assume everyone else can do it just as easily.

 

To think it more than that is hugely speculative, don't you agree?

 

And to contact him, or them at this point, I think could prove disasterous.

 

Do you really expect to get the truth?

 

Do not set yourself up to be hurt again. You have come to far.

 

Wow, thank you for giving me the BS' perspective spark111! I really needed to hear that. I can't tell you how badly I felt about how I (unknowingly) treated him and after reading your post, I can see now that he was projecting his own deception onto me! I used to be vulnerable to those type of projections all the time due to some childhood stuff. Wow! He was smart and knew he had a willing participant in me. I would let him and his friends beat me up all over the Internet because I felt like I truly wronged him! I knew in the back of my head he was wrong because the things he accused me of all happened during the time he made it clear that he wanted no commitments with me. This is so enlightening and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you! I'm angry because I know in my heart tat he was wrong, but never came out and told him so. I just let him and his friends bully me into thinking I was a cheating POS and I'm not! Not by a long shot! I am one of the most loyal and honest people you will ever meet.

 

Gosh, thanks again spark111. You have really helped me see the light I needed to see. I was carrying around his guilt!

[spice4life]

FACT.

 

Additionally as a BS I can tell you that the WS uses the lack of trust from the BS as a hammer to beat the BS over the head with. As in, "your lack of faith in me is ruining our reconcilliation."

 

It's such a toxic, no-win situation for the BS sometimes.

 

Thank you YellowShark! I had no idea that the BS went through that. Wow, I was so niave and gullable. He probably dropped off the face of the earth after I said "I love you" because he had a D-Day. And everything that happened after that was him projecting his guilt and other stuff onto to me to help him reconcile with his wife! It is so easy when you have someone else carrying your burden isn't it? Again...wow!

 

This is why I'm so angry. I let him use me as his own personal trash receptical! The reason I feel the wife may have been involved is because during the time I was getting beat up on the Internet, a BS posted that they found a way to curb her H's abusive tendancies toward her. A preacher told them to play it out on the Internet on someone else, so he could release his anger there and be more peaceful at home. I think I was that victim. Sick preacher huh?! My xMM even had someone posing as a therapist to keep me hooked into this sick game! All under the guise that "we were made for each other" and I needed to be patient so he could sort out his stuff.

 

I was so gullable!

[spice4life]

Sorry, need to vent some more, I'm just so angry. I've held all of this in for so long without truly standing up for myself that I feel the need to get it all out. The last exercise I was put through wasn't all that long ago and I was being accused of having an emotional affair with a new colleague (I'm talking only months ago). I was coerced then into a full confession about everything and he was still treating me the same! And I didn't even do anything wrong! I know this all sounds crazy, but I assure you, it all happened.

 

I still feel like I deserve the truth and I'm not quite sure if I am going to confront him or not. I'm going to think about it for now and then make a decision. If years had passed then, no, I wouldn't, but the last exercise and my subsequent, albeit silly, confession was pretty recent, so it is really hard to just let it go without getting the real truth. I am angry at myself too for allowing this to happen to me.

 

I will post an update on what I decide after taking some time away to think. Thanks for the insights though, they have helped me see what was actualy taking place. Just curious, knowing that some of this is pretty recent, do you still feel I shouldn't confront him, at least?

[Confused4Now]

If he has indeed done what you said. I can assure you he will only tell you what you want to hear and anything that comes out of his mouth are just lies anyway.

 

Which is why there is nothing really to say to him....

[Tenacity]

The last exercise I was put through wasn't all that long ago and I was being accused of having an emotional affair with a new colleague (I'm talking only months ago). I was coerced then into a full confession about everything and he was still treating me the same! And I didn't even do anything wrong! I know this all sounds crazy, but I assure you, it all happened.

 

It doesn't sound crazy at all. I have been there and done that.

 

I wish I could tell you how many times I was put through the same things. Baseless accusations that I was cheating, communicating with other men, on and ON. I did NOTHING wrong, ever, yet I was reduced to apologizing for something I didn't DO because there was no other way out of it.

 

Really, is there anything more humiliating than that???

 

It was his insecurity, and nothing more. HIS problem, not mine. NOT yours!

 

I still feel like I deserve the truth and I'm not quite sure if I am going to confront him or not. I'm going to think about it for now and then make a decision. If years had passed then, no, I wouldn't, but the last exercise and my subsequent, albeit silly, confession was pretty recent, so it is really hard to just let it go without getting the real truth. I am angry at myself too for allowing this to happen to me.

 

I will post an update on what I decide after taking some time away to think. Thanks for the insights though, they have helped me see what was actualy taking place. Just curious, knowing that some of this is pretty recent, do you still feel I shouldn't confront him, at least?

 

You won't get the truth from confronting him. When did you ever get the truth from him? Why expect it now?

 

What does it matter now, anyway? Let.It.Go. Accept that you will not know Why. I have.

[Lucky_One]

If a guy really is weird enough to make you do some sort of Internet counseling for your transgressions with his wife's knowledge and approval, do you really think he is going to tell you the truth about anything? He obviously has issues, and frankly, he isn't going to tell you the truth.

 

(And you REALLY went along with this Internet crap? I wonder if your anger at him isn't really misplaced anger at yourself for going along with that sort of behavior?)

 

I think that contacting him would be a huge mistake.

[YellowShark]

Thank you YellowShark! I had no idea that the BS went through that.

 

Most Betrayed Spouses go through absolute hell. The OW/OM have no idea - and frankly don't give a crap - who they hurt just so they can get their rocks off.

 

Then, after D-Day, the wayward spouse generally - not always - rubs salt in the fresh aching wounds by not taking ownership, (they blame the affair on the actions of the BS),

 

"I had an affair because you ______________."

 

Or they trickle truth the affair and minimize it, or they out-and-out lie about the level of the affair. And some even blame the BS for not trusting them and ruining the healing process.

 

It's so painful to be a BS, forget about being the OW. At least the OM/OW knows the score, while the BS gets hit by a bus one day and their whole world comes crashing down around them. I wish OW/OM had at least a shred of empathy before they accidently "fall into bed" with a married person.

 

That said, the anger and pain you are feeling now spice4life is nothing compared to the anger and pain the BS feels on D-Day, because you *knew* what you were getting into and the BS does not.

 

All I can say is youre on the path to healing, you are gaining wisdom. And next time a Married man hits on you kick him in the balls for me.

Edited July 3, 2011 by YellowShark

[Tenacity]

Most Betrayed Spouses go through absolute hell. The OW/OM have no idea - and frankly don't give a crap - who they hurt just so they can get their rocks off.

 

 

That is ABSOLUTELY untrue!!!

[Tenacity]

That said, the anger and pain you are feeling now spice4life is nothing compared to the anger and pain the BS feels on D-Day, because you *knew* what you were getting into and the BS does not.

 

You are SO far off base there aren't words for it. How dare you assume such?

 

Have you ever walked in the shoes of the OW/OM to know, or are you just making ASSUMPTIONS?

[YellowShark]

That is ABSOLUTELY untrue!!!

 

If you say so.

[Tenacity]

If you say so.

 

You are clearly a bitter BS and that's the only perspective you come from. That's fine. Don't try to understand anyone else's perspective. If you read my posts, at least it's obviously that I DO.

[YellowShark]

You are SO far off base there aren't words for it. How dare you assume such?

 

Have you ever walked in the shoes of the OW/OM to know, or are you just making ASSUMPTIONS?

 

How dare I say OW/OM don't care about the BS while they are banging their husband or wife. Why that's just plain evil of me.

 

You are clearly a bitter BS and that's the only perspective you come from. That's fine. Don't try to understand anyone else's perspective. If you read my posts, at least it's obviously that I DO.

 

So if I read right you cared so much about the BS you *still* had an affair with their husband. How does that compute?

Edited July 3, 2011 by YellowShark

[Tenacity]

How dare I say OW/OM don't care about the BS while they are banging their husband or wife. Why that's just plain evil of me.

 

 

So if I read right you cared so much about the BS you *still* had an affair with their husband. How does that compute?

 

Where is the blame for the WS here? It takes two. I take my blame.

 

I don't need the opinions of narrow-minded people. I'm putting you on ignore. You offer nothing other than bitterness. It's sad.

[YellowShark]

Where is the blame for the WS here? It takes two. I take my blame.

 

I don't need the opinions of narrow-minded people. I'm putting you on ignore. You offer nothing other than bitterness. It's sad.

 

The WS OBVIOUSLY has 50% ownership in an affair. That's a given and doesn't even need to be said. And frankly I am happy you put me on ignore because you are projecting a ton of guilt and anger towards me. Hell, I never even mentioned you Tenacity, or your situation, and yet you are lashing out at me big time.

 

Have a nice day.

[Tenacity]

The WS OBVIOUSLY has 50% ownership in an affair. That's a given and doesn't even need to be said. And frankly I am happy you put me on ignore because you are projecting a ton of guilt and anger towards me. Hell, I never even mentioned you Tenacity, or your situation, and yet you are lashing out at me big time.

 

Have a nice day.

 

The OM/OW obviously has 50% ownership in an affair, too, yet you seem to think THAT needs to be said. Over and over and over. But yet, the other half is just a "given", no need to discuss it? No pain is ever caused by the WS's actions? You just ignore what you choose to ignore because it suits your situation.

 

It isn't guilt and anger. It's the frustration of dealing with narrow-minded people like you who see what you want to see and ignore the rest. I feel sorry for you.

 

Onward.

[YellowShark]

The OM/OW obviously has 50% ownership in an affair, too, yet you seem to think THAT needs to be said. Over and over and over. But yet, the other half is just a "given", no need to discuss it? No pain is ever caused by the WS's actions? You just ignore what you choose to ignore because it suits your situation.

 

It isn't guilt and anger. It's the frustration of dealing with narrow-minded people like you who see what you want to see and ignore the rest. I feel sorry for you.

 

Onward.

 

I thought I was on "ignore."

[Tenacity]

I thought I was on "ignore."

 

You will be in about thirty seconds.

 

Good luck.

[YellowShark]

You will be in about thirty seconds.

 

Good luck.

 

Before you plug your ears and start going la...la...la...la Of course the WS has ownership in the affair. But if a married person came up to me and wanted to have sex I wouldn't entertain that idea BECAUSE I have EMPATHY for their spouse at home.

 

I guess that's where you and I differ Tenacity.

 

(edited to add)

 

I just did a search and now I see why you are lashing out at me...

 

Until last night I was two months into NC with a MM I had been involved with for almost 4 years.

Edited July 3, 2011 by YellowShark

[Tenacity]

Before you plug your ears and start going la...la...la...la Of course the WS has ownership in the affair. But if a married person came up to me and wanted to have sex I wouldn't entertain that idea BECAUSE I have EMPATHY for their spouse at home.

 

I guess that's where you and I differ Tenacity.

 

That's not how it works, Yellow. If a married person had walked up to me wanting sex (and several did) I also wouldn't entertain that idea, for the reason you stated. It's not that simple.

 

My A happened when I was separated, and he was separated.

 

Not everything is so cut and dried as you make it.

 

But, I agree with you on one thing. As a divorced person, I will no longer date men who are separated but NOT divorced, and I won't believe their lies. I would never again hurt a spouse at home. So cut me some slack for being human and not perfect.

 

You could loosen up just slightly and realize that not every situation is as black and white as you wish to make it.

 

No, I didn't put you on Ignore. The point of this forum is to get other perspectives. I just don't think you are allowing for any point of view but yours. Life doesn't work that way.

 

As for further discussion, I am out. Don't want to hijack this thread further.

[spice4life]

Most Betrayed Spouses go through absolute hell. The OW/OM have no idea - and frankly don't give a crap - who they hurt just so they can get their rocks off.

 

Then, after D-Day, the wayward spouse generally - not always - rubs salt in the fresh aching wounds by not taking ownership, (they blame the affair on the actions of the BS),

 

"I had an affair because you ______________."

 

Or they trickle truth the affair and minimize it, or they out-and-out lie about the level of the affair. And some even blame the BS for not trusting them and ruining the healing process.

 

It's so painful to be a BS, forget about being the OW. At least the OM/OW knows the score, while the BS gets hit by a bus one day and their whole world comes crashing down around them. I wish OW/OM had at least a shred of empathy before they accidently "fall into bed" with a married person.

 

That said, the anger and pain you are feeling now spice4life is nothing compared to the anger and pain the BS feels on D-Day, because you *knew* what you were getting into and the BS does not.

 

All I can say is youre on the path to healing, you are gaining wisdom. And next time a Married man hits on you kick him in the balls for me.

 

Actually I had no idea what I was getting into because he portrayed himself as a separated man whose wife had left him. It wasn't until much much later that I found out that wasn't true. And by then I had fallen in love and totally infused in the fog. I'm not saying I was right, just saying I didn't get into it knowing he was married. I do own my part though.