MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I found out keylogging software was installed on my computer, my emails were being read etc. I found out that he did in fact have feelings for me (or so I thought) and felt I was cheating on him by living my life and seeing others. I never knew any of this and was conducting my life based on what he told me...that he didn't want any commitments. I was put through a whole rebuilding exercise as if was a cheater, which I am not! And this was done through Internet therapy. This all went on for a loooong time and we saw each other off and on, but his actions never changed. He still conducted himself as if he was a MM and treated me like I was a secret. Since his treatment of me stayed the same, as time went on I slowly mourned myself out of the whole affair attachment and started living my life for me. We remained in contact, he never came clean about the whole thing and I thought maybe I put it all behind me...until I read that article! Now I'm wondering if all of that crap I was put though was his punishment for cheating on his wife and that she was aware and monitoring it the whole time. Like they were trying to drive the point home that he could be physically involved with me, but not emotionally. He certainly treated me that way over and over again, even after I told him I didn't want to be treated in that way. He never came clean with me about why I was put through that ridulous rebuilding exercise and I guess he thought I had forgiven him for it and swept it under the rug. In all honesty, I thought I did too! Until now! The past few days I have been filled with anger about it all and now I want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I want to confront this whole thing with him! I feel stuck on it and feel the need to confront him (and her if she was a part of it) so I can finally move past it once and for all. If this was some sort of agreement they had, why did they decide it was okay to manipulate my life in this way? I never signed on for it and I never gave him/them permission to do this to me. I didn't know any of the details about their marriage and I never asked, so why did they feel entitled to include me in this under the rules they set up? I never consented to that and now I am feeling really angry about it all! Spice.... I had to read your post literally 5 times. I read it at first and was like errmmm....wtf...this is so confusing...wait what...I literally couldn't process it, until just now. So let me see if I get it: this MM said he was in it for the thrill and no commitment, then you fell inlove and you broke up with ur bf and started being exclusive with him and he was unknowingly monitoring your computer activities to see if you were cheating on him AND he made you do online counseling for some "issues" he thought you had and his wife was also a part of it, but you think it was some sick game on their part? Please clarify. Sorry if I am being dense I am trying to make sure I get it so I can appropriately comment on your feelings of anger etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 If a guy really is weird enough to make you do some sort of Internet counseling for your transgressions with his wife's knowledge and approval, do you really think he is going to tell you the truth about anything? He obviously has issues, and frankly, he isn't going to tell you the truth. (And you REALLY went along with this Internet crap? I wonder if your anger at him isn't really misplaced anger at yourself for going along with that sort of behavior?) I think that contacting him would be a huge mistake. You may be right and yes, I admit I was foolish for falling for it. But hey, people make mistakes and I never encountered a person like that before, so maybe I was naive to allow it to happen. What can I say, he grabbed a hold of my heart. Anyway, I've been in therapy and now know why I fell for it. Sure, I could have some misplaced anger, but are you saying I don't have a right to be angry at him too? I'm entitled to my feelings and it could be that I am finally releasing the anger I should have released a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 It doesn't sound crazy at all. I have been there and done that. I wish I could tell you how many times I was put through the same things. Baseless accusations that I was cheating, communicating with other men, on and ON. I did NOTHING wrong, ever, yet I was reduced to apologizing for something I didn't DO because there was no other way out of it. Really, is there anything more humiliating than that??? It was his insecurity, and nothing more. HIS problem, not mine. NOT yours! You won't get the truth from confronting him. When did you ever get the truth from him? Why expect it now? What does it matter now, anyway? Let.It.Go. Accept that you will not know Why. I have. Thank you tenacity, for sharing that the same thing happened to you. I don't feel so alone now! I am probably mourning the last bit of the whole affair and finally letting myself feel some very justified anger! I've never experienced anything like this my whole life! You are probably right that I should just let it go because why would he be honest with me now? I probably will let it go and come to my own closure and maybe this anger I'm feeling will help me do just that! Lol. Thanks for understanding...it's much appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) It doesn't sound crazy at all. I have been there and done that. I wish I could tell you how many times I was put through the same things. Baseless accusations that I was cheating, communicating with other men, on and ON. I did NOTHING wrong, ever, yet I was reduced to apologizing for something I didn't DO because there was no other way out of it. Really, is there anything more humiliating than that??? It was his insecurity, and nothing more. HIS problem, not mine. NOT yours! . This point is sooooo true! How interesting and insane When I was the OW, that guy was the most jealous of any man I've ever dated...go figure. He was very possessive and always questioning me about other men and always on the look out for me to be doing things behind his back. It was rather ridiculous and annoying as he went as far as to almost weekly ask me if I had sex with anyone else.... Now granted....I was in love with him but I was not exclusive with him. I admitted to him that I had sex with someone else in the past and from then on he felt the need to check up on that. I went out with other men and had other interests but he was "number one" but I suppose I was being realistic: he wasn't all mine, he had a gf and we were LD...I was not going to sit at home being "faithful" to him in such a scenario I was dumb...but I wasn't *that* dumb. He would constantly accuse me of being a flirt or try to make me feel guilty for doing some imagined thing and there was always the interrogation about my whereabouts...always keen to know every aspect of my life and what I was doing, once I told him about a compliment some guy gave me and he was thoroughly upset, saying that he didn't like to hear that and he's glad other men find "his girl" attractive, but he just doesn't like hearing about it Then I of course was apologizing for my alleged indiscretion and trying to soothe his bruised ego and comfort him about me not "cheating" on him when HELLO....you are carrying on a whole other relationship and expect me to be fine with it! (But hey, what else was he to think? I clearly continued being with him, so I by default signed up to be okay with it) Anyway....I agree that often times these people are projecting and using their own guilt and behavior as a measure for what they think you're doing. They're doing it so they think everyone else is too... Edited July 3, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Spice.... I had to read your post literally 5 times. I read it at first and was like errmmm....wtf...this is so confusing...wait what...I literally couldn't process it, until just now. So let me see if I get it: this MM said he was in it for the thrill and no commitment, then you fell inlove and you broke up with ur bf and started being exclusive with him and he was unknowingly monitoring your computer activities to see if you were cheating on him AND he made you do online counseling for some "issues" he thought you had and his wife was also a part of it, but you think it was some sick game on their part? Please clarify. Sorry if I am being dense I am trying to make sure I get it so I can appropriately comment on your feelings of anger etc. Actually my computer was being monitored before I finally stopped hanging out with my ex. I wasn't involved with my ex in the commited sense as I had already broke up with him before I met xMM. But, during the time I thought MM was not interested in a real relationship, I did hang out with my exbf from time to time going to concerts and movies as such. I had no idea that MM had developed real feelings during that time and I was still operating under what he originally told me...no commitments! Then one day that all sort of changed and I realized I had feelings for him and told him so. That is when it all came out that he did have feelings and thought we were exclusive and the accusations of me being a cheater came into play. Hense, the rebuilding exercise. I don't really know if his wife was involved or not. Now that I look back on it all, it's quite possible she may have been and they had come to an agreement; physical cheating okay, but not emotional. I hope this answers your questions. :| it's such a long story and I know it's probably really hard to comprehend. In a nut shell, I guess maybe he wanted me all to himself even though he was still married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 This point is sooooo true! How interesting and insane When I was the OW, that guy was the most jealous of any man I've ever dated...go figure. He was very possessive and always questioning me about other men and always on the look out for me to be doing things behind his back. It was rather ridiculous and annoying as he went as far as to almost weekly ask me if I had sex with anyone else.... Now granted....I was in love with him but I was not exclusive with him. I admitted to him that I had sex with someone else in the past and from then on he felt the need to check up on that. I went out with other men and had other interests but he was "number one" but I suppose I was being realistic: he wasn't all mine, he had a gf and we were LD...I was not going to sit at home being "faithful" to him in such a scenario I was dumb...but I wasn't *that* dumb. He would constantly accuse me of being a flirt or try to make me feel guilty for doing some imagined thing and there was always the interrogation about my whereabouts...always keen to know every aspect of my life and what I was doing, once I told him about a compliment some guy gave me and he was thoroughly upset, saying that he didn't like to hear that and he's glad other men find "his girl" attractive, but he just doesn't like hearing about it Then I of course was apologizing for my alleged indiscretion and trying to soothe his bruised ego and comfort him about me not "cheating" on him when HELLO....you are carrying on a whole other relationship and expect me to be fine with it! (But hey, what else was he to think? I clearly continued being with him, so I by default signed up to be okay with it) Anyway....I agree that often times these people are projecting and using their own guilt and behavior as a measure for what they think you're doing. They're doing it so they think everyone else is too... Wow! This is exactly what I went through except he chose another medium to convey these insecurities to me and make me feel guilty about it! Maybe his wife wasn't involved after all. I was just trying to make some sense out of this skewed logic and that is what I came up with. His jealousy never made sense to me so I have been coming up with scenarios that make sense to me some how. Thanks for letting me know that this just another way MM's operate! So others have experienced this too and it bils down to being just another part of being in an affair. Thanks! You and tenacity have helped me make sense of it all now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 And pardon my mispellings and incorrect grammer. I don't have time to proof read as I am trying to get out of the house to have some fun. Now I can truly enjoy myself...thanks ladies! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Wow! This is exactly what I went through except he chose another medium to convey these insecurities to me and make me feel guilty about it! Maybe his wife wasn't involved after all. I was just trying to make some sense out of this skewed logic and that is what I came up with. His jealousy never made sense to me so I have been coming up with scenarios that make sense to me some how. Thanks for letting me know that this just another way MM's operate! So others have experienced this too and it bils down to being just another part of being in an affair. Thanks! You and tenacity have helped me make sense of it all now. I didn't quite get how the wife factored in...but I can bet she wasn't a part of it...that just doesn't compute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 I didn't quite get how the wife factored in...but I can bet she wasn't a part of it...that just doesn't compute. The article that was posted triggered those thoughts. I agree, she probably wasn't. When I read the article it made me think it was a possibility and that is why I reacted so strongly to it. I thought, "is that what was going on?" Then when back in time to see if it fit the puzzle. After reading your story and tenacity's, I understand what was really going on now. Just another affair dynamic. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 The article that was posted triggered those thoughts. I agree, she probably wasn't. When I read the article it made me think it was a possibility and that is why I reacted so strongly to it. I thought, "is that what was going on?" Then when back in time to see if it fit the puzzle. After reading your story and tenacity's, I understand what was really going on now. Just another affair dynamic. Ohh...I didn't read the article but probably if I had I would see what you mean But in any case, that dynamic does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) I just want to thank you ladies again for helping me to see that what I went through was nothing more than an affair dynamic. I felt like such a cheating POS for a long time. It's such a relief to know that I am not alone in this and it was just another symptom of the affair. I apologize if my story was hard to understand at first, I'm used to giving out advice as opposed to asking for it. I'm learning though and appreciate that you guys set me straight and could empathize with my situation. And to yellowshark, yes, I promise I will kick any married guy that tries to hit on me right in the nuts, for you...lol! Edited July 4, 2011 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
Author spice4life Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Ohh...I didn't read the article but probably if I had I would see what you mean But in any case, that dynamic does happen. No worries MissBee. The need to know why I was put through that was percolating to the surface and the article sparked off the task of finally seeking the answers. It was long over-due and I should have asked these questions many many moons ago. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and anguish...darn-it! My gut always told me that I was on the receiving end of someone else's projections. Not anymore though. I was vulnerable to other peoples projections before and have sinced learned why. I can see them coming and know how to deflect them now. Ah well, ya live and learn right? Have a nice 4th of July. Link to post Share on other sites
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