feel so angry and irritated

[kittycat95]

Hi,

 

The break-up happened about one month ago. I haven't been very good at keeping up NC. For one reason or another I contact him at least every day, even if to just send a funny picture or video. He is the one who dumped me. We were in a long distance for over a year and together for over four. I won't lie and say things were always so great between us. Mostly he would just dump me and come back after 2-3 days, and this was an on-going pattern. About a year ago he had asked me to marry him. But, the past 7 months or so were awful and it was like we were "breaking up" every week. He dealt with a lot of anger, depression, and bipolar issues and eventually it got to a point where he began to blame me for his feelings.

 

He said the reasons for the break were that I didn't treat him like he wanted, that I made him nervous and wary, and that I wasn't there enough for him. I tried to fight him and show him that I *was* there for him. It's true, I was supposedly his main support group (his words) and he would constantly thank me for being there for him. At some point it completely reversed.

 

I've been trying so hard to keep it together and keep things going with us. Even just to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately I've shared some more negative thoughts with him. For instance I've called him a liar and coward and some other choice words. This genrally would come after he would purposefully ignore me at length knowing this is something I hate and find really immature/hurtful.

 

He even blocked me on his phone for a few days. He unblocked me and called (left a vm) saying hello. It gave me a lot of hope...when he said "I don't want the same crap but I do miss you" to me I thought he wanted to resolve things together. About a week and a half ago (prior to the block) he had also said, I want to be with you, I can take anything you dish out. The reason for the block was b/c I was texting him some things he said were hurtful.

 

So after the block was removed I was contacting him and trying to be friendly. Yesterday suddenly he goes "I don't know" and I'm like what do you mean? He says I've been really nice but he's wary of me. He suddenly starts to get really angry at me all over again, and says how mean I was to him and how he will never forgive me, etc.

 

I decided to go NC, I didn't reply to his last text last night. I just feel so angry and irritable. I've been snapping at people around me all morning and all last night. I just feel in such an awful mood. How can he act that way and say I "was mean" to him, when he is the one who dumped me, and the one who gave me false hope, and then turned around and took it away. It was tough for me to not lose my cool when he was saying this stuff, but I did not.

 

I'm struggling because I feel like he won't even notice or care that I'm not speaking to him. He will probably be happy about it. People say he feeds on the drama and the attention I give him. I just don't know what to believe.

 

Except that I feel really angry and abused, and just tired. It's been a really awful month for me. I guess I really have no choice but to just leave it and walk away. It's so tough for me to keep it up. I feel like I will cave and end up emailing or calling or something like that. But at the same time that's what he expects me to do, too. So maybe if I just stop he'll get the point that things are really, really, screwed up, beyond him saying how mean and awful I was to him.

 

I'm just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad. I feel like I'm just in my head, living in this world of hurt and anger right now. No one gets it or understands. I just hate everything and everyone. How could I have such bad luck. I tried so hard, I was always there for him, I did everything I could, and after all this time what it comes down to is him saying "I was mean" and cursing me out and saying he hates me.

 

Will this pain go away?

[smudge21]

Yes, the pain will go away, but only when you want it to. At the moment that pain is like part of the drug you are craving every day when you avoid NC. You so don't want this to end and are unable to admit defeat; to admit it's over, that he's gone, forever.

 

I know that pain, I'm sure many others on here know it too. You're not alone, jsut remember that.

 

The pain will go once your love for him goes. When that is, no one can really say. You have to force yourself to go NC. Just set yourself a few baby steps. Try no contact for two days, then increase it to three, then four. You will slip up, we all do, but each time you will get stronger.

 

It's the hardest thing you can ever do, get over a relationship, and only those who've been there can understand your pain right now.