Should Sleeping with Ex-Husband Hurt Boyfriend?

[hb413]

I am a recently divorced (13 months, separated 2+ years) mother of two girls. I am in a new relationship. My ex is also in a (not-so-new) relationship, but he has not moved on happily. He believes we should still be together, and is at times manipulative, jealous, angry, kind, and intentionally disruptive to my new relationship. This puts a burden on my new partner, especially because we see each other not quite every weekend, while I see my ex, who lives a few blocks away, almost daily because of our kids.

 

My 14 year old was in the hospital for surgery. I promised I was not going to leave the side of my child through this time. Because of the long track record my ex has in disruptively manipulating his way into my life, my new partner was concerned about sleeping arrangements, where would my ex be staying? I could not answer that, this was an exception. The first night, my ex first said he would sleep in his car, but slept in a waiting room where a bed was available. That night I slept in a reclining chair in my child's room. I slept in the same chair night two, and my ex went home to sleep. For the third night, my child was moved from ICU to pediatrics. There was no bed in the waiting room. I was staying with my child, and I informed my ex I wasn't going to tell him what to do. He slept on cushions on the floor, I slept on a couch. We slept in our street clothes. My ex still ran errands for work every day, he was not at the hospital 24/7, so did he really need to be there those 7 hours overnight, or was he once again taking advantage of a situation to drive a wedge between me and my new partner? I was not going to question his motives. I knew how I felt, and it is his child, too.

 

My ex and I shared the same sleeping arrangements for three more nights, until our child was discharged.

 

My new partner was distraught. He said I hurt him badly (yet again) by first acknowledging his feelings, then choosing to ignore them. At first, he said we were through, that my choice not to even tell my ex I preferred him to sleep elsewhere was the straw that broke the camel's back. He soon apologized, but his reaction both hurt and angered me. I wanted his support at this time, not a painful distraction. Now, I am in turmoil, confused. I feel betrayed by my new partner.

 

Did I bring this on myself? Should I have told my ex I preferred he slept in a chair in the waiting room, or in his car? Was I careless in regards to my new partner's feelings? Was my decision to sleep in the same room as my ex inappropriate? I don't think so. I think I was justified, as do my best friend and my mother.

 

Please, what do you think? Did I make a bad decision?

[anne1707]

To be honest I cannot believe the insensitivity & selfishness of both your bf and you. Your ex had just as much right as you to be in that hospital room. She is not just your child. She is his too. If he had not wanted to be there then that would be a problem. Be glad that he loves his children and wants to be there for them.

[TaraMaiden]

This is hardly the time to be thinking about 'you'. This isn't about 'you', your BF or even your ex. This is about the well-being of your child, and doing whatever it takes to make the whole experience as comfortable and painless - both emotionally and physically - as is possible.

 

You need to put aside your own thoughts and focus on the important person here.

 

The child.

 

Jeesh, sometimes adults are more childish than the kids concerned....

[bikinibeach]

it is EXTREMELY unfair and SELFISH to become involved with someone else when you have not dealt with your issues with your ex.

 

 

No, sleeping in a hospital room with your ex, separetely to be there for your child is not wrong.

 

However, this would not have been such a big deal if you had respected your partner and yoursself from the beginning and set appropriate boundaries for your ex.

 

quit with the excuses. if you need help it's available.

 

if you want to let your ex make your life miserable, fine but don't take someone else down with you.

 

good grief

[spice4life]

The only reason your ex is allowed to drive a wedge is because you are letting him. There are ways to stop this from happening, but you have to be willing to try. This probably drove your new partner over the edge because you must have a history of allowing your exH manipulate you like this and he couldn't take it anymore. Yes, parents have right to be at their child's side in times like this, but if your ex has crossed boundaries too many times, then an emotional event like this would make your SO feel insecure. My daughter was in the hospital with a serious illness and me and my exH took shifts so we weren't in each others way or path. My daughter knew the drill and she knew she was in good hands regardless and had no issue at all with us taking shifts. Where there is a will there is a way and kids understand...believe me they do! Most of the time they wish their parents were able to be grown up adults about the situation! It's true.

[jnj express]

Your new Bf--is gonna have to learn, that more than likely---he will always come in 2nd to your kids

 

What your X---does is up to him, and it is not up to you to tell him, what he can/can't do--Your new BF---has trust issues, and is gonna have to take you as you are, which is fine, as long as you are up front about everything

[P&R]

Your boyfriend is being a baby, you are too to be honest. Something horrible happened to your child and your EX just wanted to be there for your kid. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. It suprises me how child like grown adults can act.

[Woman In Blue]

Your new Bf--is gonna have to learn, that more than likely---he will always come in 2nd to your kids.

This is the exact drama and bullcrap I've avoided by NOT dating men with kids. You're lucky ANY man will put up with the constant drama between you and your ex - especially an ex you see every day and one who still thinks you should be together.

 

Nothing more desirable than a divorced woman with kids whose crazy ex is still VERY much in the picture.

[spice4life]

Your new Bf--is gonna have to learn, that more than likely---he will always come in 2nd to your kids

 

What your X---does is up to him, and it is not up to you to tell him, what he can/can't do--Your new BF---has trust issues, and is gonna have to take you as you are, which is fine, as long as you are up front about everything

 

I totaly disagree with this. Have you ever been divorced? There are things called boundaries and a new relationship should not be put in jeopardy just because her ex does not respect them. It's unhealthy for everyone involved if she chooses to allow him to blatantly disregard and respect her boundaries. They are divorced! It's a new chapter and a new set of rules...period.

[Eclypse]

I totaly disagree with this. Have you ever been divorced? There are things called boundaries and a new relationship should not be put in jeopardy just because her ex does not respect them. It's unhealthy for everyone involved if she chooses to allow him to blatantly disregard and respect her boundaries. They are divorced! It's a new chapter and a new set of rules...period.

 

Are you suggesting that he not keep a constant vigil on his child while they go through what sounds like serious surgery? Whatever his behavior before, this makes it completely irrelevant. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more important than the health and wellbeing of your child. How dare anyone dictate when he can / can't see his child when they are in hospital? Her bf needs to grow up.

 

If it was that important, why didn't she sleep in her car then?

[elleorbianca]

No, sleeping in the same room separately should not be a problem. However, you should have been honest with your new partner from the start and told him that you can't stop your ex from sleeping where he pleases.

[thatone]

I totaly disagree with this. Have you ever been divorced? There are things called boundaries and a new relationship should not be put in jeopardy just because her ex does not respect them. It's unhealthy for everyone involved if she chooses to allow him to blatantly disregard and respect her boundaries. They are divorced! It's a new chapter and a new set of rules...period.

 

maybe your ex husband was gutless enough to let you tell him what to do after you're divorced but i assure you most of them are not.

 

you divorce with children you're stuck with him until those kids are grown and on their own.

 

your 'boundaries' are completely imaginary. no one can tell someone that they can't be in a hospital room that their child is in. if i were in the OP's ex's shoes and she said that to me i'd instantly respond with "fine, if you don't like it you can leave".

Edited July 6, 2011 by thatone

[TaraMaiden]

Are you suggesting that he not keep a constant vigil on his child while they go through what sounds like serious surgery? Whatever his behavior before, this makes it completely irrelevant. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more important than the health and wellbeing of your child. How dare anyone dictate when he can / can't see his child when they are in hospital? Her bf needs to grow up.

 

Agreed.

 

If it was that important, why didn't she sleep in her car then?

 

Good point....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Please, what do you think? Did I make a bad decision?

 

Honestly I can't make a judgement call without more info. What kind of stuff has your Ex done in the past to drive a wedge? Why did you divorce him?

 

Seriously your xH has not just a right, but an obligation to be there with your child. I hate to say it, but your BF needs to respect that on some level.

 

That may go out the window if you have created large breaches of trust in the past though. Under those circumstances your BF is correct to feel uncomfortable. Personally, I would dump you. However, if there is no history of sketchy behavior on your part... BF just needs to deal.

[Memphis Raines]

Did I bring this on myself? Should I have told my ex I preferred he slept in a chair in the waiting room, or in his car?

 

yes, either that or you slept in the waiting room. if a condition in your child were to change, the one in the room can go get the other.

 

Was I careless in regards to my new partner's feelings? Was my decision to sleep in the same room as my ex inappropriate? I don't think so.

 

 

I do think its inappropriate. but hard to judge since your child is the primary concern.

 

 

I think I was justified, as do my best friend and my mother.

 

justified?

 

 

Please, what do you think? Did I make a bad decision?

 

yes, bad decision IMO. but again, difficult situation because of your child.

 

as a father, I would definitely be at the hospital, but I am not going to sleep in the same room as my x-wife. The chair outside or the waiting room will do.

[TaraMaiden]

Not if they're sleeping....