Crisis Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 So here's the story, I was 18 and she was 15 when we started dating, young I know. We had been dating 11 days short of 5 years. The first 2 1/2 years were great and I was so into her and she was into me. When she got into college, some things started to change. She wanted to spend less time with me and stuff and always made a big deal about coming to see me or me seeing her. She moved from her dorm into an apartment up the street from me and I saw her more, in fact when it was this past summer, i pretty much lived with her from like September to like January just cause my apartment sucked. I moved into the same location as her so she could have her apartment back with her room mate but I was literally around the corner. Yes, we bickered and argued but we have so many memories where we are happy. It was in may when she started snapping at me and getting mad at me about everything. She had just moved job locations, cause she works for Chik-fil-a and her store manager moved from the mall to his own store, and some other people came to help them during that time. It was during that time things started heating up between us, but I love her and was willing to get through it. My birthday was May 20th and she had always done something for me and this year i figured since she was mad at me so much that she wouldn't but she did. It was an ok 2 days. On June 6th, she ended it, saying she never had time to miss me, i was always around, she was being selfish and knew it. She told me there was no one else, that she wanted to do her own thing for a while and that she wasn't going to get in another relationship anytime soon. Well, of course i broke down saying things like, " I need you, don't leave me, Why are you doing this?" and so on and so forth. I know, terrible right? Well over the past few weeks, she has ignored my calls and texts, and i actually had a sit down with her twice, the first one being lunch, and the second at her house, where she wouldn't look me in the eyes, and kept occupying herself with things to do. She then said, I don't want to be with you right now, I don't miss you, she took my pictures off her wall, and I don't know if we will get back together, I can't tell the future she says. It was one week later that i saw that she was getting out of her car with another guy, and i was sooooo mad and crushed. I didn't get out of my car and kick the crap out of him but still. She saw me, looked at me, and walked inside with him. Later on that night i saw them again together with food at 11:30 at night going into her house. I demanded answers and she said "We aren't doing anything, i didn't leave you for him, it was you fault we broke up, that he's a really good friend and that she wasn't having sex with him." I was crushed, irate, you name it, this was 3 weeks after the break up. Well on wendnesday, she texted me cause we played on the same soccer team and i wasn't at the game. She asked where i was, made a big deal that i wasn't being a grown up, and said she was going to quit cause they were treating her like crap anyways. I told her i quit because of her, but on my own account and i was ok with that, that they didn't care about our situation and if she wanted to talk about it we could. Well she said she'd all me the next day, guess you know what happened right? Yea, she didn't call. Was i waiting for it?, no I didn't expect it was as the day went on i was looking forward to it and became sad. I was super surprised to say the least that she even texted me, i expected Sunday to be the last day i would ever talk to her. I'm coming home last night and her car isn't there... at 3:20am in the morning and im a nervous wreck. I'm trying the NC and it seems alright but i have to pass her apartment when i leave and come home, like i have to. I'm just sad and still having trouble understanding this whole thing. Any advice or someone to talk to would help. Thanks to whoever you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Oh yea and this other guy is also a manager at another chik-fil-a. Apparently one of the one's that came and helped them for a while. So chances or her coming back went from bad to almost hopeless..... of yea and she still isn't home. Idk if she ever came home or not. Oh, what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 are you bored that you wrote such a long story? Are you a writer? Or just looking for something to do on a SUnday afternoon? LS is really a decent site... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamscape123 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 G.I.G.S mate.... Give her space, and time to miss you... NC is the way to start with here I think... You could push her away further is you smother her... It is hard.. trust me.. I know.... Link to post Share on other sites
TheHurtProcess Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 G.I.G.S mate.... Give her space, and time to miss you... NC is the way to start with here I think... You could push her away further is you smother her... It is hard.. trust me.. I know.... Agreed. No Contact is your only option unless you want to literally push her out of your life for good. Then again, I wouldn't count on NC making anything happen other than giving you the chance to heal and move on. I was in the exact situation as you are about a month ago. Today I could care less as to what she's up to. It must seriously blow that you can just about see what she's up to everyday, because you live so close. If you can, I would think about moving away from there or at least staying somewhere else for a good while. She might begin to notice that you're not around either and begin to wonder or maybe not, but just don't be predictable and be sure to get out and disappear for a while. Hang out with friends, socialize. Just don't sit inside all night, moping over this whole situation. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SelfControl Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 The first thing you need to do is honor the break up. When a woman says she needs space, it's over. So, instead of asking yourself how much you want to be with her, which is very badly and perfectly natural since you had been together for so long, you need to ask yourself how much she wants to be with you, to which the answer is not at all. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn't have broken up with you. It is as simple as that. The sooner you come to terms with this the sooner you will get through this. Look at it this way...think about a girl that may have liked you that you weren't into. No matter how much she contacted you, made moves on you, etc., it didn't matter. The bottom line is that you weren't into her. And nothing she could do could change your mind. That's what is going on here. Her interest in you, even though it was high at one point in time, is no longer high enough for her to still want to be with you. You need to resist the instinct to fight this and accept it as reality. I know it is hard. I also know you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamscape123 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 It just seems to be so common at the moment, almost like some sort of illness spreading... must be the time of year.... Link to post Share on other sites
dicky_fish Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 It just seems to be so common at the moment, almost like some sort of illness spreading... must be the time of year.... Quite a few have been saying that round here recently, must be something to do with summer "freeness". Someone on here said just wait until autumn/winter comes round when a load of exes suddenly "come to their senses" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Tayla: I felt that i should give everyone the whole situation so no has to ask questions later. I feel it's a lot easier to understand that way. I agree though, this is a good site. dreamscape: I hear ya, that's what I'm trying to do, it's just really hard cause honestly, i didn't think she was this kind of person.... it sickens and saddens me to see and feel all this. I would have never thought her to do this... at all. Hurt: I have thought of moving away but the reality is that I can't break my lease and she is suppose to move within the next month or so. The predictablility thing i agree with, and i'm not sitting around. I go work out, work, go out with my friends, but i still feel like crap cause i'm so sad about all this. It won't go away, and to be honest, I kinda wish she wouldn't move... Stupid right? Self: I am doing that, honoring the break up, that's why i haven't tried to contact her. It went from seeing her everyday to not even talking to her on the phone or texting. Cold Turkey! I know that once I accept that I will never see or talk to her again, or that we may never have a chance I will be good. It's getting there that is the problem. To all, I just want to ask you'll... Do you'll ever have gut feelings about things like this? I ask cause I had a gut feeling from the first time we kissed that she was going to do this which is why i think i smothered her. I've had a gut feeling about everything that has been going on and have been right about it. I don't know if it's my gut, but I feel like as soon as i'm like " I'm never going to take her back", she will want to come back. Guts also saying we will end up together in the end, that this is just her touching the waters to see if she's missing anything. Stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
SelfControl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) Crisis...There are a few things going on here. Your gut WAS instinctively telling you she was going to leave. However, it probably wasn't because you just got a general sense about her though. It was probably because your gut was telling you that if you smother her she WILL leave. Take a second to think about what that is really saying. You see, men know instinctively that women do not want to be smothered even though women say they do. They say they want you to call everyday, say 'I love you' every time you talk and be together as much as humanly possible. This is not reality though. What women really want is a little bit of mystery and a little bit of a challenge. In other words, they want to wonder about you and even chase you a little. When she is smothered, this can't happen and she loses interest and starts looking for something more exciting. With all that being said, for some reason, men ignore this instinct. They think that if they don't smother her, she will leave. When in reality it is just the opposite. Look at it this way. Think about cats (women). If you take a piece of string and put it in front of a cat's face the cat's eyes will get big and wide and swipe at it a few times. If you continue to keep the string there and wiggle it over and over again the cat will eventually just ignore it. However, if you do it once, get the cat all excited, and then stop, the cat will look at you like it wants more. This is called being a challenge, and the cat is saying, 'now that he teased me with the string, how can I get him to do it again?' And, even better, if you take the string and hide it behind a piece of furniture so the cat can only see the tip of it, and then you pull it away, the cat goes crazy 'wondering' about the 'mystery' of where the string went and whether it is coming back. And, while the cat is thinking about that, it can't think about anything else. It is totally focused on YOUR peice of string. You see, you are keeping the cat's interest without over doing it, i.e. smothering her. (Men...well, we are different. We look at the string and go, 'get that out of my face. Where's the tennis ball?' We're more like dogs.) The point is that smothering doesn't work and your gut was trying to tell you that. The other thing your gut is telling you has to do with ego, meaning hers. You're gut is telling you that once she realizes you have moved on, she will want you back. Don't get fooled by this. She may indeed want you back, but don't think it is because she wants to reconcile. It's most likely just her ego saying to her, "I can't believe he is over me. I need to reel him back in so I can feel better about myself." (Note, this is not just a women thing, men do this too. It's human nature.) So, in this case, you're gut is right, it just may not be right for the reason you are thinking. As far as you gut telling you you'll end up together, I think that is your ego talking. Ask yourself this, do you really want to be with someone who had to go see if there was something better out there before they decided on you? I think men need to be stronger when it comes to thinking women are just 'testing the waters'. They need to start telling/showing women that if everything I've done to try to keep your interest isn't good enough for you then you are free to go, no hard feelings. If she takes the chance and then tries to come back, men need to stand firm and say, 'hey, you passed on me once and that is one too many times'. It's called being strong and having self-respect. Traits that the whole world admires, including your ex. And, let's face it, if you can't have her you might as well have your self-respect. So, the bottom line is you need to trust your gut, understand what it is trying to tell you and then listen to it more, for the right reasons. You sound like you have a real level head on your shoulders, especially under the circumstances. Be patient with yourself and keep pressing forward on the things you can control. Edited July 4, 2011 by SelfControl Link to post Share on other sites
MovingOn13 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Crisis, Solid advise was just given by the postee above. If you want to, look up my original posts from when i joined the site. MY SOTRY IS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME. We dated for 5 years (started when we were 15) and around november december of 2010 she started to get flakey and hot and cold. My ex too said she needed space and i thankfully did not make any of the mistakes most guys go begging and pleading etc. I went 100 percent NC right away. fast forward 6months later she sends me a fb friend req out of the blue. You need continue to honor the break up and let her know NOTHING about your life. avoid small talk at all costs and avoid her as much as possible. This time is for you to move on, she is no longer your problem. It will be hard, you will hurt more than you ever thought you could before, but i will tell you, after losing my 1st love of 5 years it does get better...only if you let it. Now, if she were to come back to you, remain firm and strong, but before you reject or accept analyze both how you treated her and how she treated you. If you weren't the best man you could be, how can you blame her for leaving? In my case, i wasnt the best man i could be. I am young and inexperienced...but i learned a lot from my break up and the next girl i have...i will treat her soo much better regardless if she is my ex or some other hot babe. Often times dumpee's place all the blame on the dumper. It's a two way street ( not always) but really take this time to perfect yourself for the better times ahead. be strong man. Link to post Share on other sites
kingofhearts Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Quite a few have been saying that round here recently, must be something to do with summer "freeness". Someone on here said just wait until autumn/winter comes round when a load of exes suddenly "come to their senses" LOL. I'm lov'n it. Been having these convo's all week. It's in the air. Link to post Share on other sites
krifle04 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Quite a few have been saying that round here recently, must be something to do with summer "freeness". Someone on here said just wait until autumn/winter comes round when a load of exes suddenly "come to their senses" Yeah it seems to be happening a lot lately among my friends and family. I know I'm going to be seeing my ex and his family who I'm close to a bit more when Fall rolls around, so I'm curious to see how that plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamscape123 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Quite a few have been saying that round here recently, must be something to do with summer "freeness". Someone on here said just wait until autumn/winter comes round when a load of exes suddenly "come to their senses" I hope so..... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatBwoii Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Eactly the same thing is happening to me, apart from my ex has seen 2 new guys in the timeofspace we have been split up.. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamscape123 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Eactly the same thing is happening to me, apart from my ex has seen 2 new guys in the timeofspace we have been split up.. Hey man, yea its a sh`t situation to be in...seeing the person you love with someone else is life crushing... simple as that.. you know what happened to me too... Roll on the winter...lol..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I've already told myself after listening to everyone that i wont take her back... at least now. I mean, if she is doing this guy that is like the worst thing to me and she said she didnt want a relationship so if she is doing him with no ties that is beyond terrible to me. I mean causual? what the crap? She isn't the same person i knew or loved so I can't see myself ever getting back with me. Again it sucks she lives so close to me, but she hasn't been home all weekend, but whatever you know. This whole thing and her are just crap on the bottom of my shoe that I now have to clean off... maybe just go buy new shoes and throw the old ones away. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 " I need space" "I just need to be alone" that's just a bunch of crap! He's just a friend and nothing is going on. Yet she's not been home all weekend, just some more crap. He's not the reason we broke up, more crap. This is your fault, more crap. Tired of getting crapped on? Time to lose this girl and time to heal. Stay away from her place, defriend her on facebook and lose her number. DO NOT respond to any texts, e-mails or phone calls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Yea the NC thing right? What about down the road... if she ever wants to reconcile, even if I'm not with anyone. As of right now, deleting her from my life completly is what i need to do, but what if she WANTS to come back, is willing to do what it takes and agrees that she made the biggest mistake ever. I ask this, only because that's what my brother did. He was on the other end, and he feels like it would have been a forever thing if she would have taken him back. Second chances normally don't work out, but what if, and I'm saying what if it does. Both parties accept and decide to move on with each other. What then? Link to post Share on other sites
TheHurtProcess Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Quite a few have been saying that round here recently, must be something to do with summer "freeness". Someone on here said just wait until autumn/winter comes round when a load of exes suddenly "come to their senses" I've said that a few times and a few others have said it as well. It's been brought up quite a few times in the past month or so. I can imagine it being "true". Link to post Share on other sites
TheHurtProcess Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I've already told myself after listening to everyone that i wont take her back... at least now. I mean, if she is doing this guy that is like the worst thing to me and she said she didnt want a relationship so if she is doing him with no ties that is beyond terrible to me. I mean causual? what the crap? She isn't the same person i knew or loved so I can't see myself ever getting back with me. Again it sucks she lives so close to me, but she hasn't been home all weekend, but whatever you know. This whole thing and her are just crap on the bottom of my shoe that I now have to clean off... maybe just go buy new shoes and throw the old ones away. The only way I'd even consider taking my ex back is if she came to my door, dropped to her knees, begged, cried and pleaded that she wanted me back. And like I said, that would have to take place in order for me to even consider. That's because it would take quite the amount of time and consideration. Many times someone comes back and decide only a day or two later than that they suddenly aren't sure anymore what they want. It's happened to me quite a few times already in my life. So, you have to be extremely careful or you could end up right back at square one all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
TheHurtProcess Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) Hurt: I have thought of moving away but the reality is that I can't break my lease and she is suppose to move within the next month or so. The predictablility thing i agree with, and i'm not sitting around. I go work out, work, go out with my friends, but i still feel like crap cause i'm so sad about all this. It won't go away, and to be honest, I kinda wish she wouldn't move... Stupid right? I sort of figured that. The reason why I said that you should move is because then it leaves her wondering where you up and left to when she finally figures it out. I understand why you don't want her to move. It's because it puts you in the exact opposite place, which leaves you wondering where she's going. Either way, after a month or two, you'll most likely be glad that she's gone. You may not think so now. But, you're going to realize that once you don't see her around all the time, you can heal with much greater ease. Plus, you can bring whoever you want over (girls and so on), without feeling like you're being watched and judged by the ex. Perhaps if you can't move. At least try to get out of your place as often for as long as possible. That might just make her wonder as well. Not that it's actually going to accomplish anything other than making your ex jealous and to tell the truth, the mind games are sort of immature. But anything to boost your shattered ego might help even in the slightest amount Good luck to you my friend! Edited July 4, 2011 by TheHurtProcess Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks Hurt, but she has to come around the corner just to see if I'm even home and I doubt she would even do that. It seems like, if she really wanted to see where I was, it would take a little effort and I'm pretty confident that she isn't even putting the thought in her head about that at all. Remember she is seeing someone else, even though she said she wouldn't start a relationship. She's also taking a summer course from school and working a lot. This next summer session she said she was going to take off. I don't know why, but it's likely to work and she this other guy. I don't think I've even come into a single one of her thoughts. I say that cause if she is able to do the things she's doing knowing d*** well I would become angry and wouldn't take her back, and is ok with it, then chances are I was barely a dream to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisis Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Here's a question for everyone. What if she does try contacting me, or talking to me. How should I go about it? I mean I ask just to be prepared, but not expecting it. Link to post Share on other sites
TheHurtProcess Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks Hurt, but she has to come around the corner just to see if I'm even home and I doubt she would even do that. It seems like, if she really wanted to see where I was, it would take a little effort and I'm pretty confident that she isn't even putting the thought in her head about that at all. Remember she is seeing someone else, even though she said she wouldn't start a relationship. She's also taking a summer course from school and working a lot. This next summer session she said she was going to take off. I don't know why, but it's likely to work and she this other guy. I don't think I've even come into a single one of her thoughts. I say that cause if she is able to do the things she's doing knowing d*** well I would become angry and wouldn't take her back, and is ok with it, then chances are I was barely a dream to her. I'm sure she thinks about you all the time. Someone doesn't just end a long-term relationship and then just stop thinking about it. This is five years of her life... half of decade long. The issue is that she's most likely dating this other guy and acting the way she is to kill the pain, instead of actually deal with it up front, before moving on. Therefore, eventually she's going to have to deal with it and the best part is that it'll probably happen when you're well over her. Link to post Share on other sites
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