To all LS guys -- let's make a PACT to stop overanalyzing

[Teknoe]

and to start being more confident and cool (cool as in calm and collective)! This pact starts RIGHT NOW, as soon as you read this.

 

Look guys, and I'm saying this to myself as much as anybody out there, let's quit overanalyzing every little detail. Posts like "She did this, she did that, oh my gosh what does it mean? Signals I can't decode -- want females' perspectives!" need to DIE today.

 

I did a lot of that in the past. I vow no longer to do it ever again. I think constantly doing it (and you know if you're guilty of that or not...) ONLY hampers and cripples you, because when you see her in real life you've eliminated the natural spontaneity of the moment and instead replaced spontaneity with anxiety, mechanical plodding decisions, and worry.

 

And guess what, girls can read it (i.e. our body language, our facial expressions, our posture, our words and how we say it) a mile away. And it only pushes them away when we signal out nervousness, worry, anxiety, uncertainty.

 

Be cool (as in calm and collective) and confident.

 

Check out this brand new video, hot off the presses. May it bless you, and may today be the day you quit your "She did X, Y and Z -- tell me what it means!" posting. Instead, just CHILL! The best way to learn is first-hand -- quit asking others so much and overanalyzing. You'll only cripple yourself.

 

So I dunno who's with me on taking up this PACT, but I know I certainly am. Here's to being cool, chill and confident *raises glass in air*

 

 

GUYS, DON'T OVERANALYZE, BE COOL AND CONFIDENT!:

[fortyninethousand322]

Actually...this is exactly my problem. A lot of people can't see the forest for the trees; I can't see the trees for the forest. This is probably the result of what I've spent my academic and (thus far short) professional life doing: analyzing things ad nauseum. I'm just a big picture person.

 

I think most of us late bloomers have issues with instincts, simply because we don't have quite as extensive a history to have learned from. In short: we think too much rather than react. I wish I knew how to not do this, but so far that has eluded me.

[Teknoe]

So what are we supposed to discuss, then?

 

Not saying you shouldn't or can't post ?'s about relationships, but like all things it's a question of "are you obsessing over it or not?" Once it becomes an obsession, it's time to scale waaaay back, brother. No girl (or guy) is worthy of being put on a pedestal. Do other things, help out others in true need around your community in real life is a great way I've found to take the focus/obsession off relationships, because I know we all desire them here. Heck, I do a lot myself.

 

 

Look, some of us never get female attention, or grew up without a father. In those cases, we don't know what we're doing wrong...and we certainly can't ask one of our friends, because most of the time we're trying to hide our inexperience.

 

So...we go online, to an anonymous relationship forum, and post our woes. We ask for help. Some of us take that help. Some of us don't. That is the reality of life.

 

Honestly, how many times did your obsessive thinking and posting of your latest crush here ACTUALLY helped you the next time you saw said crush in real life? Or did the constant postings only lead to more worry, more mechanical advanced planning, and it all just backfired in your face? I've been there so many times where I'd post my PLAY BY PLAY to strangers, and the next time I see the girl, I'm just completely unnatural and weird because I spent so much time obsessing about her!

 

I think when you're in an established relationship, it's fine to ask some questions and advice. When you're crushing (and let's face it more often than not our crushes are a 1 way street), just overanalyzing about our crush raises her/him higher on the pedestal we've put them on, and it only decreases our chance of success around them.

 

I'd encourage you the next time you're tempted to post about your crush or whatever, just keep it to yourself and learn through it firsthard. The more you think and post on a girl, the more crippled it actually makes you.

 

 

I hate being lumped in with onegoal, because it's clear that he is sick. I am not sick; I am, however, sick OF being lonely. That is the difference between us.

 

 

Sick of lonely -- many of us are. But have you noticed what you've been doing hasn't been working out too great for ya?

 

Albert Einstein defined insanity this way:

 

[sIZE=5]Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results[/sIZE]

[sIZE=5][/sIZE]

So all I'm saying is have things worked out in your past? If not, what patterns do you notice? (possibly overanalyzing and using LS for every little play by play which leads to obsession which leads to having no chance with any decent girl)... so if it hasn't worked, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT

 

Try not thinking about her 24/7. Try not posting her every little move on LS. Try focusing on yourself + helping out the needy in real life more. Try a new hobby. And even if your latest crush doesn't like you back, I guaranteed it will be a different kind of feeling when you find out she doesn't like you that way. It won't be so bad, because you're not obsessed with her. Simple, really. Just try it out for a month or two.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe wants to silence some on here.

 

 

but the key here is... the silence is for their own benefit, not for me.

 

yes, the internet gave us many great things and choices. but it can also be abused or it can be used in a way that actually stunts your personal growth.

 

checking the weather for tomorrow's day trip to the city. GOOD.

 

overanalyzing your crush's every little move seeking strangers' advice while increasing your thought life and obsession on her/him? BAD.

[rafallus]

Good post.

 

Sometimes you just need to shut your thinking process down and go caveman.

[Teknoe]

Sometimes you just need to shut your thinking process down and go caveman.

 

 

Yup.

 

I genuinely believe more people than not hurt themselves by their constant play by play posting here than just letting the experiences BE. They have a million voices in their heads, and the next time they see their crush in real life, those voices bombard them and make the interaction with the girl very unnatural, and possibly even scary (for the girl).

 

Then they come back here and the cycle repeats. You develop a reputation at LS. Some posters may bag on you. Then guess what, you start to believe that's who you really are, and that's ALL that you are. In many respects, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/self-fulfilling_prophecy.htm

 

Being a teacher, I know how true this is.

 

True story: I know a friend who in the new school year had Jimmy on her class roster. Jimmy's past record was "Challenging kid, often misbehaves or acts out. Difficult child."

 

So when Jimmy came into her classroom first day of school, she straight up said to him, "Jimmy, I know the rap on you. And I want you to know... I don't believe a word of it."

 

Jimmy changed at that moment, the lightbulb clicked on and he started to believe in himself, because his teacher did. The teacher was responsible for a great self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I think some comparisons can be drawn here as well. You keep thinking of yourself as the nice lonely dude who never has been able to have a relationship, others see you as that too... and then boom, self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

So let's:

 

1. Stop overanalyzing

2. Stop thinking of ourselves as the nice lonely guy who can never get a girl

3. Stop posting play by plays on LS

 

At some point, instead of obsessing how to exude confidence around your crush, you're just gonna have to do it in real life.

 

Rooting for all of you LoveShack guys out there.

[Dorie]

It sounds like a healthy and productive idea.

It will be interesting to see what resistance you encounter, OP. It should be telling to the seriousness of wanting to make progress.

[Cracker Jack]

Nice topic. I, too, do my fair share of over-analyzing things way more than I need to. I think my main problem lies in me not actually going out experiencing things for myself. I simply do a ton of reading and just go with that instead. Theory fighting can only do but so much on forums. Still, you make good points.

[cheergirl]

Good luck, guys!

Just a girl whose read some posts here...

I think the OP is totally right...

Obsessing doesn't help...

Good luck!

 

This video is hilarious and true, THE PUPPY SPEAKS THE TRUTH!

It will help you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ir75dPa5_M&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

[quietGuy13]

If nobody overanalyzed, there would be no forum . It would be dead just like 98 percent of all forums out there.

[robdrm32]

I would say i fall into this category of guys your talking about. Not as bad as i used to but still not healthy i can see that.

 

I can't speak for others but what thelawmaker said makes alot of sense.

some of us just cant trust our instincts. For me it's because growing up every decision i made was criticized to the point where i can't react to a situation without feeling like "am i doing the right thing?" "am i overreacting?" "am i not reacting to something i should?"

 

Combine that with a few bad experiences and here you have a man who is plain unsure about himself.

 

It's funny when i want a girl i over-analyze it, but if i'm not interested in a girl i am so natural and smooth.

 

Its the fear of rejection that kicks in because its pretty much all i've known for my life.

 

Edit: I wish there was flip i could switch to get rid of the anxiety but it's not just as easy as let it all go. It's a behavior problem really, it has to be trained out of me.

Edited July 4, 2011 by robdrm32

[one goal]

But with this girl I tried everything right with her. She's single and wouldn't even give me a shot which hurt my feelings.

[Teknoe]

But with this girl I tried everything right with her. She's single and wouldn't even give me a shot which hurt my feelings.

 

 

But one goal, please understand this: what you think is right in your eyes may not be right in her eyes. For example, you text a girl and check up on her, see how she's doing, if she's OK, if she wants someone to hang out with, and let's pretend you do this 3 times a week.

 

In your mind you think "I did the right thing. I'm offering her my friendship, and checking up on her because I care for her."

 

But if she's not attracted to you, this is what she's thinking, "Oh my gosh, this creep won't leave me alone. He was nice and OK at first, but now, 3 texts a week checking up on me like we're together or something when we're not even really friends... this is just getting creepy and annoying."

 

We all have selfish desires, and the mind/heart can often times be very deceitful. You just gotta check your motives, and let's face it, in your case your motive was to get close enough to her to get some action (you've said it in different words yourself).

 

I'm rooting for you get better, onegoal, I really am. Nothing will please me more if you become more socially competent in general.

 

I think the first thing you need to do is read the book BOUNDARIES, since you seem to lack a foundational understanding of people and the boundaries they set. In your post history, it's clear you really don't know when to stop -- you always cross the line making the girl extremely uncomfortable.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310585902

 

 

To everyone else, appreciate the feedback. Yes, I do understand some of us are shy, intellectual and introverted. I realize there is a natural inclination to wrestling with hypothetical what if's and analyzing every little interaction between you and your crush.

 

But like I said, or rather like Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

 

In the end, it's only up to you if you want to change (results). You can sit there and read all the websites on good free throw shooting form/technique, but eventually, the more you actually practice shooting free throws, the better you will become at it. It's the same with interacting with girls/crushes.

[one goal]

Why when I first asked her out why didn't she give me a shot before judjing me and saying no?

[Cracker Jack]

Because she didn't want to. Her not wanting to go out with you has nothing...and I repeat, nothing to do with judging you. If a woman doesn't want to go out with you, well, that's her decision. She's not obligated to go out with you because you want her to. Now, if this woman originally said yes, then later revealed that she wasn't really into you, it would be much, much worse.

 

Be glad that she was honest with you upfront and let it go. You're making an issue out of nothing. Everyone gets rejected. You're not the first, nor will you be the last.

[Teknoe]

Why when I first asked her out why didn't she give me a shot before judjing me and saying no?

 

 

Because you can't force anybody to love you or be attracted to you. Just because you asked her out doesn't mean she has to say yes. She wasn't attracted to you in that way, so she didn't even want to go down that road and waste her time. That's just life, man. Get used to it.

 

We all want "that one shot" with our crush. Sometimes they just say no because the crush is a 1 way street, not a 2 way. And that's all there is to it. Now what happens afterward is YOU MOVE ON. You quit calling her, emailing her, texting her, even sitting next to her in class. Have some self-respect and get on with the rest of your life.

[amethyste]

One goal, I'm not sure if you're trolling, or just having mental issues.

[oaks]

But with this girl I tried everything right with her. She's single and wouldn't even give me a shot which hurt my feelings.

 

No, you didn't. When she rejected you that first time you should've moved on. Several people told you that before you asked her out, yet you failed to do this. You're not so special that you can expect success with only the second woman you've asked out this year (and one of those wasn't realistically ever going to work anyway because she was your teacher).

 

Stop being so arrogant as to expect a woman to say "yes" just because you asked her out without being crude or pushy about it. They have to find you attractive, too, and that one doesn't. Get over yourself.

[oaks]

Why when I first asked her out why didn't she give me a shot before judjing me and saying no?

 

Why should she? I'm guessing that she doesn't fancy you, but it's not a rhetorical question... see if you can come up with an answer.

[Teknoe]

Honestly, how many times did your obsessive thinking and posting of your latest crush here ACTUALLY helped you the next time you saw said crush in real life? Or did the constant postings only lead to more worry, more mechanical advanced planning, and it all just backfired in your face? I've been there so many times where I'd post my PLAY BY PLAY to strangers, and the next time I see the girl, I'm just completely unnatural and weird because I spent so much time obsessing about her!

 

 

TheLawmaker, in case you thought the above is rhetorical... I'd like you to answer those questions if you don't mind.

 

I know for myself, in the past I did so many play by plays with my crush to a board (a different one) and the guys had varying advice from "Go slow" to "Go for the kiss at evening's end"... all that time and energy I spent discussing and thinking about "how to act on my date with my crush" just eventually threw me off. Plus, I could have been doing something productive during the time I was obsessing over her with internet strangers; I could have instead continued making myself into a more well-rounded person.

 

A CHALLENGE TO EVERY LOVESHACK GUY READING THIS

 

I think we all need to look at ourselves and ask this question: Do I just want [insert crush's name here] to be my GF, or do I want something more -- to see our relationship flourish?

 

Getting a girlfriend is not entirely difficult. KEEPING a girlfriend and seeing the relationship GROW and BLOSSOM, however, takes a lot of work.

 

I feel we should be at the point where we're looking for relationship longevity and health, not JUST getting [insert crush's name] to be your GF. And the only way you can get that is first loving yourself, knowing who you are, and being secure with who you are. Basically being comfortable in your own skin.

 

If you don't love yourself, how in blazes do you expect to love your GF properly? It's a relationship that won't last very long -- and will bring both of you misery.

 

See, the single years are a great time of personal growth... but sadly, so many young people are focusing on finding the right person, rather than first BECOMING the right person. I feel those guys here who post obsessively constantly about their crushes are just repeating the same ole pattern of self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. (I still need work myself so don't think it doesn't hit close to home for me as well).

 

As long as you keep obsessing over your crushes on LS, you will continue looking for the right person, and most likely neglect working on yourself FIRST and becoming the right person for that lucky lady down the road.

 

I just wish more "nice guys" would take this and internalize it.

 

Quick review:

 

-It's not about getting a girlfriend. It's about keeping one and seeing the relationship flourish

 

-The only way to do that is to be whole and complete yourself first WITHOUT her

 

-Don't look for the right person, BECOME the right person first

 

-Obsessing over any girl is not healthy and will only serve to bring your self-fulfilling prophecy of doom to light

 

-One Goal, stop with the questions on your crush. Just stop (over-analyzing and obsessing)

 

-Again, for emphasis, it's not about finding the right person. It's about BECOMING the right person. So, go find out who you are. Make yourself as whole and complete ALONE as possible. Then, you'll make yourself a NICE catch for some lucky lady, and the relationship can flourish. Otherwise, you'll be needy, clingy, and any little situation between you and your GF, you'll come to LS over-analyzing -- not able to stand on your own two feet. Guys, let's not do or become this.

 

Let's learn the hard way first-hand, because it's worth it. You're worth it. And your future GF/wife (probably some lady you haven't even met yet) is worth it. So go, and do it. Stand on your own two feet firmly before you even THINK of getting with somebody else.

 

PS- yes I understand, humans aren't perfect and we all have baggage, but there's definitely a huge difference between one luggage bag and 10. All I'm saying is reduce your baggage... the single years is the BEST time to do that. God bless.

Edited July 4, 2011 by Teknoe

[somedude81]

Getting a girlfriend is not entirely difficult.

And that's where you're wrong.

 

Don't forget that on this board there are men near and in their 30's who have never had a girlfriend. So getting a girlfriend seems basically impossible.

 

The thought of maintaining a relationship is nonexistent. Just as how somebody looking for a job doesn't really worry if they can keep the job, they just want to get a job first. He thinks that once he's hired, things will just work themselves out.

And the only way you can get that is first loving yourself, knowing who you are, and being secure with who you are. Basically being comfortable in your own skin.

 

If you don't love yourself, how in blazes do you expect to love your GF properly? It's a relationship that won't last very long -- and will bring both of you misery.

I hate that line. "If you don't love yourself how can you love somebody else/ be loved." It's bullsh*t. I've said this a thousand times, I didn't suddenly start decide to stop loving myself. It happened because I never got anywhere with women. It's the constant rejection that made me feel like I didn't matter. Having somebody who actually cared about me will change that thought.

 

As long as you keep obsessing over your crushes on LS, you will continue looking for the right person, and most likely neglect working on yourself FIRST and becoming the right person for that lucky lady down the road.

I have been working on becoming the "right person" for a long time and I have a long way to go. Do you think I should not bother with women till I get there? Even if it takes me 10 years.... Edited July 4, 2011 by somedude81

[Ross MwcFan]

So what are we supposed to discuss, then?

 

Look, some of us never get female attention, or grew up without a father. In those cases, we don't know what we're doing wrong...and we certainly can't ask one of our friends, because most of the time we're trying to hide our inexperience.

 

So...we go online, to an anonymous relationship forum, and post our woes. We ask for help. Some of us take that help. Some of us don't. That is the reality of life.

 

I hate being lumped in with onegoal, because it's clear that he is sick. I am not sick; I am, however, sick OF being lonely. That is the difference between us.

 

He's talking about obsessing and talking about whether what a woman did was an IOI or not and overthinking it.

 

I used to do this myself, but to be honest, I just can't be bothered anymore, and it never get's me anywhere. I can never get a definate answer of whether it ment she was actually interested or not.

 

And if overthinking it kills your spontaneity when you next see her, then what's the point?

[Teknoe]

Don't forget that on this board there are men near and in their 30's who have never had a girlfriend. So getting a girlfriend seems basically impossible.

 

 

"Getting a GF seems basically impossible." If that's what you think, that will be your destiny. If that's your attitude then you stand no chance with the ladies.

 

See, the first thing you need to do is renew your thinking... time to see yourself and the world differently than how you've always viewed it. You must first stop looking at things the way you have looked at them in the past. You must see things with new eyes.

 

It's not easy, and it may take years. But nobody ever said it was easy.

 

 

The thought of maintaining a relationship is nonexistent. Just as how somebody looking for a job doesn't really worry if they can keep the job, they just want to get a job first. He thinks that once he's hired, things will just work themselves out.

 

Things don't just work themselves out in relationships. People work them out. Flawed people, like you and me. Flawed people who make the effort. It's not about just getting a GF... you need to renew your thinking and start thinking about what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Reminds me of a Thanksgiving family story last year. My uncle was asking his brother about his son, a 21 year old sheltered kid who was too scared to get his driver's license. His dad responded, "Don't worry, everything will be fine as soon as my son gets a GF."

 

I felt so sorry for my uncle. What flawed thinking. How you gonna get a GF when you haven't taken care of your stuff first? More importantly, how you gonna KEEP a GF if you haven't taken care of some basic things first?

 

 

I hate that line. "If you don't love yourself how can you love somebody else/ be loved." It's bullsh*t. I've said this a thousand times, I didn't suddenly start decide to stop loving myself. It happened because I never got anywhere with women. It's the constant rejection that made me feel like I didn't matter. Having somebody who actually cared about me will change that thought.

 

You DO matter, and your self-worth is NOT based on how many women have rejected you. Until you renew your mind to see it this way, I dunno what to say, man. Getting a GF won't suddenly make you happy and complete. Now that... THAT'S THE REAL BULLSH*T my friend. Humans will always let each other down. The only one you can count on is yourself. If you can't be happy by yourself, you're only going to be miserable with someone else.

 

Here's a truth formula for ya in relationships:

 

1. Not Ready + Not Ready = Miserable

2. Ready + Not Ready = Frustrated

3. Ready + Ready = Forecast for optimal success

 

 

I have been working on becoming the "right person" for a long time and I have a long way to go. Do you think I should not bother with women till I get there? Even if it takes me 10 years....

 

Hey, we all have a ways to go. I'm not saying don't bother with women until you get there. The journey is as important as the destination. But now is probably not a wise time for you to be seeking an intimate relationship, not until you learn to adopt winning attitudes in life. Start with healthy male and platonic female relationships, live life and be happy in your own skin, regardless of what others may think of you.

 

Don't base your happiness on other people, not even your future GF, coz she's gonna let you down, too. Relationships aren't easy, they take a great deal of work. Many times there are storms. You don't want to be caught up in a storm unprepared. It takes work, and things won't just work themselves out. It's up to you though, I say all this with a grain of salt but it's how I'm trying to live my life right now, preparing for the right lady God sends my way down the road. I wish you well.

[somedude81]

I dunno what to say, man. Getting a GF won't suddenly make you happy and complete. Now that... THAT'S THE REAL BULLSH*T my friend.

There is only one way to figure that out.

 

If it doesn't make me happy, then I can at least cross that off my list.

[Ross MwcFan]

I dunno what to say, man. Getting a GF won't suddenly make you happy and complete. Now that... THAT'S THE REAL BULLSH*T my friend.

 

It'll make a guy in somedudes position a lot more happier. If not, then he must be in the tiny minority of guys that aren't interested in women at all (if there are any), but then, he wouldn't be craving women and complaining about not being able to get one in the first place.