To all LS guys -- let's make a PACT to stop overanalyzing

[Ross MwcFan]

"Getting a GF seems basically impossible." If that's what you think, that will be your destiny. If that's your attitude then you stand no chance with the ladies.

 

He hear this kind of stuff a lot.

 

Why would thinking that way stop women from wanting you?

[Teknoe]

He hear this kind of stuff a lot.

 

Why would thinking that way stop women from wanting you?

 

Because if a guy thinks "I'm [a loser] who no lady could ever be interested in" (another way of thinking "getting a GF is basically impossible") -- that will be the body language he conveys. And what (healthy) woman would be interested in that?

 

His chances are MUCH higher if he really believed he's fine being on his own. Girls LOVE confidence. Girls are turned off by wussies, insecure guys and blubbering emotional wrecks. They got enough girlfriends for that. They do want a guy with sensitivity, but all in context. We'll never figure them out completely, but these statements are universally, generally true.

 

BTW, his statement of "Getting a GF is basically impossible" is silly. No, throwing a 110 MPH fastball -- that's basically impossible. Getting a GF is not.

 

 

Having a girlfriend make a guy in somedudes position a lot more happier.

 

Yes, at first. But once the 2-week (or at most, 2-month) honeymoon wears off, and the warts and flaws creep up to the surface in both him and his GF, what then? If you haven't equipped yourself to a certain level of emotional maturity then when those storms inevitably come, SomeDude81 (or/and his GF) won't know how to handle it. It will be a very temporary relationship. And I find, in most cases, people attract people on their level. We're all broken in some shape or form, but really broken people, if they do attract anyone, they attract other REALLY broken people. And both people, being really broken, will hope that the other will bring them pleasure in life. They expect the other person to make them complete. But two wrongs don't make a right. How in sam hill is a really broken person going to make another really broken person complete?

 

It's insanity.

 

And I'm not calling somedude81 really broken. I'm just saying in general. None of us are perfect, but it's clear there are healthy people, and not so healthy people in this world, with varying degrees, some more severe than others. The key is to be as whole and complete on your own first as possible. Then, you will attract a similar female... some girl who also has got her sh*t together. Not saying the relationship will be perfect then, as no relationship is perfect, but you'll stand a better chance at a healthy relationship than a very dysfunctional one.

 

Does any of this resonate with you, somedude? I hope it does.

 

Also, @ TheLawmaker, would like your response to my question earlier in this thread. When, if ever, has over-analyzing on LoveShack helped you with your crush in real life?

Edited July 6, 2011 by Teknoe

[somedude81]

Yes, at first. But once the 2-week (or at most, 2-month) honeymoon wears off, and the warts and flaws creep up to the surface in both him and his GF, what then? If you haven't equipped yourself to a certain level of emotional maturity then when those storms inevitably come, SomeDude81 (or/and his GF) won't know how to handle it.

And who's to say that I won't learn from the experience?

 

You're right that odds are my first relationship won't last for very long. But that's OK. It's a start. Nobody stays at their first job for the rest of their life. I will take what I gained from that relationship and use it for my next one. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what everybody does.

 

There is so much that two months of happiness can do for me. The most important one is that I would know that somebody can actually love me. It would do wonders for my self-esteem.

[Teknoe]

You're right that odds are my first relationship won't last for very long. But that's OK. It's a start. Nobody stays at their first job for the rest of their life. I will take what I gained from that relationship and use it for my next one. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what everybody does.

 

 

This is just my opinion, but if you go into a relationship with a consumer's mindset (i.e. what can I get out of it), you're just going to end up miserable in the end.

 

I don't think the job analogy you're using is healthy for relationships. You don't build up your resume with your future wife with a list of previous girlfriends' phone numbers. You build up your life resume, something that doesn't require "using other females" as placeholders and learning experiences.

 

When you said "I will take what I gained from that relationship and use it for my next one," I'm not going to lie here. That bothers me. Just imagine for a minute somedude, that the crush you like from that other thread, came here and actually read that.

 

Really, you're going to use her, in other words?

 

Do you see what a toxic mindset that is? Can you imagine how horrified she would be if she could read that? Or your future first GF? I mean, we are talking about human beings here, not products that we get to test out and move on to the next model!

 

Rather than proclaim "I will take what I gained from that relationship and use it for my next one" say "I hope she's my first and my last. And I am emotionally mature enough to do what I can to see the relationship through."

 

But maybe I'm just old-fashioned like that. I'm at a stage in my life somedude where I don't want to just date around. I'm now looking for the right one, not one right now.

 

 

There is so much that two months of happiness can do for me. The most important one is that I would know that somebody can actually love me. It would do wonders for my self-esteem.

 

Two months of happiness let's pretend. But let's also pretend she dumps you on the 60th day. That will negate the happiness and you'll have new issues to deal with. Would it then really do wonders for your self-esteem? Let's also pretend after she dumps you, she gets with another guy. Guess what will happen to your self-esteem then?

 

Look, I've been there. I know where you're at. I used to think if only I could get a GF, even for just a few months, someone to love me, I would be good, happy, complete and my self-esteem will increase.

 

Guess what happened? The lass dumped me for her ex.

 

I went through a lot of pain and tear-filled nights, man. Trust me, you can't look at these girls as a source of your self-esteem and identity. It ain't nothing but fools' gold, man. Nothing but fools' gold.

 

FWIW I really am rooting for ya. Not saying these things to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. Far from it. And I'll leave you with this awesome quote from one of my favorite films, Cool Runnings.

 

 

Coach: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough *with* one

 

 

Replace gold medal with girlfriend. That's the mantra I try to live by. I hope this encourages you to not put all your hopes into the ladies. A strong man is one who would LIKE a partner, but can stand firmly on his own. That's what women are looking for. They're not looking for a guy who is obsessing about having a girlfriend, because that is pathetic.

 

They want someone who is passionate about something in life, and that they can partner along with for an ADVENTURE of a life together. A man who knows what he wants, works hard to attain it, but never puts the lady on a pedestal. Any kind of "she will increase my self-esteem" thinking classifies as putting her on a pedestal.

 

Really rooting for ya, somedude. I suggest joining some kind of summer class, summer activity, summer club, volunteering at your local shelter center, seniors center, etc. Do something productive this summer that isn't CENTERED around getting a GF. Let's take baby steps, one at a time.

[somedude81]

Teknoe, I have no idea why you are trying talk me out of wanting a girlfriend, but it's not going to work.

 

I'm done with this thread.

[krz12]

This is just my opinion, but if you go into a relationship with a consumer's mindset (i.e. what can I get out of it), you're just going to end up miserable in the end.

 

I don't think the job analogy you're using is healthy for relationships. You don't build up your resume with your future wife with a list of previous girlfriends' phone numbers. You build up your life resume, something that doesn't require "using other females" as placeholders and learning experiences.

 

When you said "I will take what I gained from that relationship and use it for my next one," I'm not going to lie here. That bothers me. Just imagine for a minute somedude, that the crush you like from that other thread, came here and actually read that.

 

Come on dude. Look how many women throw themselves into the arms of guys like Tiger Woods and guys like him knowing full well that they they're on the backburner.

 

Look how many people get married even though the odds are against them staying that way. Or, for that matter, all the people who hooked up in high school knowing the odds are that they split.

 

I don't take the 'impossible' attitude, and I don't view anyone as 'disposable'. I'll do my best to have the first be my last. But is it likely? Probably not.

 

I'm happy enough by myself. The rest of my life is pretty solid. But nobody wants to go through life on their own. There are certain things you just don't do with your male friends, or your family, and I feel like I'm missing ou t.

[Teknoe]

Come on dude. Look how many women throw themselves into the arms of guys like Tiger Woods and guys like him knowing full well that they they're on the backburner.

 

Look how many people get married even though the odds are against them staying that way. Or, for that matter, all the people who hooked up in high school knowing the odds are that they split.

 

 

That's why we have to do our best to renew our thinking, because the way the world does relationships really, REALLY suck. It's totally selfish and based on fleeting emotions. Like I said, maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Just because someone does something wrong, doesn't make it ACCEPTABLE.

 

 

Teknoe, I have no idea why you are trying talk me out of wanting a girlfriend, but it's not going to work.

 

I'm done with this thread.

 

I just hope you will take time to think about different things that might have stemmed from this thread. You seem hell-bent on getting a girlfriend at all costs when it's probably healthier if you transferred that energy into something more productive.

 

I wish you would keep an open mind about this, but it appears apparent there's a lot of resistance (as foreshadowed by a female poster earlier in this thread if people on LoveShack really want to change).

 

Are you going to keep doing the same things over and over?

 

Then don't be surprised if you end up with the same results over and over.

 

I'm just trying to help you expand your thinking and your horizons. You are loved, you do matter and you are important no matter how many rejections you've faced or will face the rest of this year. But I understand I can't twist anyone's arm to do anything they don't want to. And that's not my place, really. So I wish you all the best in your travels.

 

May you find the true joy and happiness that you're looking for.

[Ross MwcFan]

I think for any guy, who has spent all of their life without getting girl, that getting a girl would do them a lot of good.

 

No one could be happy going throughout the whole of their life on their own without ever having a partner or a fling, no one. It doesn't mean they're broken.

 

This is what I genuinley believe anyway.