guilt 6 years on is dragging me down big time

[childishregrets]

Hey all im a first time poster here but i have done this kind of thing once before about 3 years ago.I was with my ex for 3 years. My story is my first love, first partner, friend, everything wont stay out of my mind or thoughts.We brokeup due to in my opinion being too young and not being able to talk about problems as we both had short tempers and she cant take criticism and i could not deal with her past ex's and not knowing if i was the first sexually among other childish things.I think in a way i might not of been her first but i see now she could never tell me as i would of judged her and maybe called off the relationship.I know i would not of but i most likely would of resented it when things got bad.The problem with this is i value honesty and im actually too honest for my own good.I feel for me personally i just lost it after having to fight with the girl all the time due to past boyfriends still on the scene and me having to have been the one to fix that coldness and pain she had with me due to them having an abusive realtionship. By the time she did love me as much as i loved her i feel now i was lost as deep down that really hurt me a lot eventually we decended into a path of her slapping and scratching me when things went wrong to me calling her every hurtful name i could think of and taking her for granted.i know what i did was mental abuse and no matter who started it theres no excuse for it.

 

 

The only thing i can say from my side is that the people i was childhood friends with do this on a daily basis.It was natural to call someone's dead granny a whore as a minor insult to these people and i can remember crying when i was younger due to them mocking my family member who had a scar on his face.After a while u grow a skin and become impervious to insults.Abuse can seem natural growing up like this and i think thats where i went really really wrong with this girl.She never had that skin and i know she had issues with her father who left when she was young so me calling her those names must of killed her inside.She must of thought i never loved her sigh i cant put it into words but i understand what ive done and how i have done it.I no longer regard these people as friends or talk to them as i realise what a negative influence they have on my life and on me as a person.

 

 

 

Our breakup after that was HORRIBLE even though i dumped her i never meant it.I wanted change but never knew how to achieve it back then.I lacked relationship skills big time and was pretty childish.After about a month she had moved in with someone we knew mutually and thier now getting married soon and shes got a baby girl now as well.As u can imagine i flipped out big time and there was huge fights between the 3 of us.It was the exact same situation i was in when i first met her it except this was a lot nastier and somethings were said that should never of been said.I tried to reason with her infact i pleaded and cried and begged her for time apart from her new guy to see if we could re kindle and start of fresh like a couple who had just met for the first time.I REALLY wanted to change everything but she would never have it and i knew i had lost her. I tried to remain in touch but she would just say over and over i dont want you back or that she hated me and eventually after it being only one way calls i knew that she was never going to be friends.The truth is i dont know if shes hates me or not.I used to hate her so so much for not bring able to see that it takes two people to cause abuse and hurt in a relationship and a small part of me still does along with the fact i find it hard to accept that we could not of addressed the issues and forgiven each other and seen what could of been.

 

 

 

The guilt is just eating me alive.For a long time i only thought about her when i was down or when i thought of love but since a bad patch ive been through ive been forced to leave my home and move to somewhere i cant afford right now and until i can i have to stay with my parents in the room where all the abuse took place and where all the bad memories are.Its only now having all my spare time in that room i have realised that i should of made my peace with her a long time ago.I feel ashamed and every morning i wake it kills me until i sleep and the next morning it will happen all over again.Its been worse since my so called friend tried to add her to facebook and showed me the profile.I think living where i am with the memories and him adding her to facebook pushed me back to where i was a long time ago. She rejected his friend request by the way.I knew this would happen as they never liked each other and my friend only done this as he is one of those people who will add anyone on facebook. Im not ashamed to admit ive been having thoughts about killing myself due to this.Thinking of how my mum might feel and how my ex would hate me and probably think i was blaming her makes me keep strong and avoid thinking into that too much but in truth i just want the pain to end once and for all There are things i enjoy in life and want to look foward to such as loving again and perhaps one day having a family and a wife i love as much as i loved her. I mean everyone makes mistakes right? It was my first relationship and i can acknowledge that and what i done as i have lived it over a million times in my head.I have changed though.Having that failed relastionship made me as a man and as a person a long time ago and it gets better every day and i just wish that she could see the person i am and how sorry i am.

 

 

Im so close to sending her a message on facebook but i just cant do it.The girl has a kid now and probably plans to marry in 2012 or so.I know her fiance did that to me and totallly disrespected us by buying her gifts weeks after the breakup and being full on and destroying any chance of reconciliation but thats not my thing.Her daughter is beautiful and innocent so what right do i have sticking my oar in to relieve my guilt? I just wish she could of said sorry before the kid sealed the deal i guess and me to be given my chance to say sorry as well as i havent spoken to her since i forced myself to delete her number about 5 years ago.She lives quite close to me and i havent seen her once since then either.

 

Its almost like she is a ghost now as i cant remember the bad things she done or why i acted like that? The one thing i can remember is how kind i was when i entered the relationship and how quickly i fell for her.I never dreamed in a million years what happened could happen or that i would lose myself to resentment and anger.Im not a bad person far from it as i find myself falling out with friends due to being overly sensitive to my emotions and strong senses of if i do this for you then you must 100% do the same for me.

 

Maybe thats my key issue as to why i flipped like that? I dont know im just so confused I tried dating and it did not work out as they all told me i was not over my ex and right now i cant think of a single girl i want either.It just makes it such a hard depressing situation to get out of.

Edited July 4, 2011 by childishregrets

[dissolved_girl]

I can understand now why you left me the comment that you did. You're a good person and obviously your ex has a big part in your life and what you are learning...but maybe that's what you need to take as 'experience'..bad things happen to good people to make us stronger....as cliche as it sounds but you really seem to have learned from this and what's not for you won't go by you...like you said to me..be honest with your ex as long as it makes you feel better, if she rejects your thoughts and feelings at least it will be closure for you and you can finally move on whereas if you are nly thinking 'what if' that can really eat away at you...I'm still wondering whether to text my ex or not on what I'm truly feeling but the only thing I am scared of is rejectiong as he has never texted ,e since I ended things with him...I rely think you're a good guy and I hope everything works out..there's not many like you in this world and you would make one lucky gal a happy person

[dissolved_girl]

sorry, my spelling is really bad there...bloody keyboards!

[childishregrets]

i still cant decide what to do, today i hate her for not having contacted me at all, i feel i was never properly loved and i made all the sacrifices with social groups to please her.these things affected me big time when our relationship ended as those who love with everything lose everything they say.

 

im destroyed as a person and she hasnt once bothered to ask anyone how is he? ive lost a lot of weight and i know if she asked someone about me at all she would see i was not doing ok, doesnt she have any guilt at all??? she was really cruel at the end and i still never said a bad word about her as i had changed and promised myself that the past would not repeat its self but someone with a child from another realtionship was all over her like a bad rash.i mean she would rather have a kid with a man who already had one with someone else when we could of enjoyed that togeather for the first time? first love, first baby togeather thats killing me thinking about how i might of missed out on that in life now.what does that say about me? i must be really pathetic or really hated as how can someone ask a guy to move in with them after a month of breaking up? i was still on the scene begging forgiveness, i was too scared to blame her for her faults and was basically being as nice as i could be when i just had my heart broken into a million peices and was starting to have a breakdown.

 

 

a part of me thinks shes sitting there being really smug loving the fact that i made a mistake in not fixing things and my lifes gone down the pan where as her facebook shows her young family in a picture smiling with activities such as dont take a good woman for granted as someday someone wil come along and bla bla bla.

 

which is another thing FACEBOOK,i wasnt having full on panic attacks until my mate found her and showed me.i hate facebook!

 

i dont even know what i want now, i know its over, been over for a long time and theres a kid blocking anything ever happening again, i still miss her though and want to know she cares.

 

it helps me venting my anger here but i cant live with anger forever either, look what its done to me so far

Edited July 7, 2011 by childishregrets