AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Considering this guy played for at least five nights a week, and played well, kind of cancels out your statement. Plus, people used to say Wayne Rooney was fat, but eh, he makes £200,000 a week playing football/soccer for one of the best teams in the UK. Just sayin'. Again, cancels out that argument. Wayne Rooney isn't fat. I'm talking about obesity here. Clearly you're talking about people who have a little bit of body fat. That is not the topic at hand. If your guy was truly fat, he would not be a good soccer player. Not even if he played five nights a week. One of the most crucial skills is speed and you simply won't be fast if you're fat. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Not just dating but friendship too, from what you have said. Here's the thing: you have people overweight people making grandiose presumptions about how you are dumb and biologically lucky and that your hard work is irrelavent to your current status. And now, you are ironically, also making presumptions. He who fights monsters... They're not really presumptions though. It is pretty much proven that if you sit on your ass all day and don't eat good food you will get fat. People who sit on their ass are inactive and lazy. I don't want to date those people. I also don't want to have them as my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 wonder if perhaps people could stop bickering and scoring points, and actually consider addressing the OP's dilemma, rather than airing their opinions of how wonderful they look and how gross anyone else is. She said, looking bloody hot for a 54-year old, I can tell you.... Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 wonder if perhaps people could stop bickering and scoring points, and actually consider addressing the OP's dilemma, rather than airing their opinions of how wonderful they look and how gross anyone else is. She said, looking bloody hot for a 54-year old, I can tell you.... There is no dilemma. It's bloody easy. What do you call a person you love, but do not find physically attractive? A friend. There you go. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 True. But overweight means a lot of things. Overweight and obese are different. But those two terms are being tossed around on here like they mean the same thing. I'm a little overweight. Not obese and not grossly. I'm trying to lose that weight. What I guess I am saying is that if people don't like overweight people then no one asked them to date them. No one is forcing the OP to stay with her, but himself. He claims to love everything else, but in my eyes, love isn't about picking and choosing which qualities you like, and which qualities you don't. That's not love. That's a project. I wouldn't stay with someone if they physically repulsed me. Especially not if I placed a lesser value on their other, shining, loveable qualities. It depends. He can still love her, even if he doesn't want to have sex with her. It's just that that means it's not a sexual relationship anymore. I have plenty of people I love that I would never want to have sex with. It might be tough for his girlfriend to hear and it saddens me that it will hurt her, but it's the only thing to do. The why and how he tells her are things he should think about, but he should definitely let her know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCoolest Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 No. You're not going to be a good soccer player if you're overweight. It's not happening. Skinny doesn't always mean fit, but overweight never does. A fat soccer player is a bad soccer player. And it's not opinion. It is fact. There is a reason actors are fit. Waitwut? I beg to differ. I was overweight all through middle school. I played striker on my soccer team (dead srs) and i was easily the best dribbler. Even in high school when i was at my fattest i could do more pushups/run faster then most of the people on my football team. Yea if you are all fat you will be bad at sports. But if you have a muscular base it is very possible to be better than the average person at sports. Just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCoolest Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 True. But overweight means a lot of things. Overweight and obese are different. But those two terms are being tossed around on here like they mean the same thing. I'm a little overweight. Not obese and not grossly. I'm trying to lose that weight. What I guess I am saying is that if people don't like overweight people then no one asked them to date them. No one is forcing the OP to stay with her, but himself. He claims to love everything else, but in my eyes, love isn't about picking and choosing which qualities you like, and which qualities you don't. That's not love. That's a project. I wouldn't stay with someone if they physically repulsed me. Especially not if I placed a lesser value on their other, shining, loveable qualities. That is bs. It is very possible to love someone and be repulsed by there body. I love her personality. I love her face. But those two things cannot make me love fat. I never have i never will. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Waitwut? I beg to differ. I was overweight all through middle school. I played striker on my soccer team (dead srs) and i was easily the best dribbler. Even in high school when i was at my fattest i could do more pushups/run faster then most of the people on my football team. Yea if you are all fat you will be bad at sports. But if you have a muscular base it is very possible to be better than the average person at sports. Just saying. How many professional soccer players are overweight? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCoolest Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 How many professional soccer players are overweight? None. But my point was it is very possible for someone to be overweight and fit. Its all about genetics. You won't see an overweight soccer player because in order to get the full potential out of your body you need to have a low body fat percentage. But its possible at the amateur level. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 None. But my point was it is very possible for someone to be overweight and fit. Its all about genetics. You won't see an overweight soccer player because in order to get the full potential out of your body you need to have a low body fat percentage. But its possible at the amateur level. You can be reasonably fit and still be slightly overweight. But if your BF is repulsed by your physical appearance you are not slightly overweight. At an amateur level? Maybe in the States or something. Here in Europe where everyone plays soccer, you're not going to be considered "good" among amateurs if you're overweight, simply because there are millions of amateurs who will be faster. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) None. But my point was it is very possible for someone to be overweight and fit. Its all about genetics. You won't see an overweight soccer player because in order to get the full potential out of your body you need to have a low body fat percentage. But its possible at the amateur level. Depends on the sport. Difference activities require different things. Soccer isn't the only form of exercise in existence. Rugby players, American football players, weightlifters, boxers, and wrestlers (not talking about the kind you see on TV) have very different builds to swimmers, soccer players, and tennis players. It is like comparing cyclists to basketball players. There is a similar combination of cardio exercises and the like, but the physiology is still quite different overall. Anyway, this has nothing to do with your girlfriend Coolest. You need to make things 100% clear with her. Edited July 4, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 OP, sorry you are going through this. It must be difficult. Definitely talk to your GF about this, but do not under any circumstances tell her that she is repulsing you. As others said, that would be unnecessarily cruel. Tell her you love her but you haven't been as attracted to her since she started gaining weight, and that you want the fit girl she was when you two met--that that was a big reason why you were so attracted to her in the first place, and now it's gone. If she isn't willing to change you two will perforce have to split. My BF and I have been frank with this issue from the beginning, honestly admitting that if either of us gained enough weight to be rendered unattractive to the other, then there better be some major shaping-up or the relationship is over. Neither of us find excess fat attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Normal Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 To have a satisfying relationship with a woman, you need to be able to get an erection from looking at her - otherwise you won't be able to have sex, and sexless relationships suck. So, my advice is encourage her to lose weight by dieting and working out with you, and if she refuses for more than a couple of weeks, then you have to order her to do it. If she still refuses, dump her and tell her why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCoolest Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 You can be reasonably fit and still be slightly overweight. But if your BF is repulsed by your physical appearance you are not slightly overweight. At an amateur level? Maybe in the States or something. Here in Europe where everyone plays soccer, you're not going to be considered "good" among amateurs if you're overweight, simply because there are millions of amateurs who will be faster. I'm jamaican bro. If you are under 25% bodyfat fat will not effect speed that much. If you are slow fat chances are you gonna be slow skinny. Speed is genetic. When i was fat i was still quite fast. Again i am jamaican have been playing soccer for as long as i can remember. Never played in europe but everyone in my family plays soccer and i always played at family gatherings. I was always considered good and this was with skinny jamaican dudes. Soccer is just as big there as it is in the UK. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 OP, sorry you are going through this. It must be difficult. Definitely talk to your GF about this, but do not under any circumstances tell her that she is repulsing you. As others said, that would be unnecessarily cruel. Tell her you love her but you haven't been as attracted to her since she started gaining weight, and that you want the fit girl she was when you two met--that that was a big reason why you were so attracted to her in the first place, and now it's gone. If she isn't willing to change you two will perforce have to split. My BF and I have been frank with this issue from the beginning, honestly admitting that if either of us gained enough weight to be rendered unattractive to the other, then there better be some major shaping-up or the relationship is over. Neither of us find excess fat attractive. I would just continue to encourage her to be healthy which includes eating right and working our at least a little. In the end its up to her, all he can do is try to motivate her respectfully. If he loses hope and decides to dump her all he has to say is something like “The passion is gone from the relationship” if she starts asking if she is fat and repulsive or what ever he just has to say “No, its just you’re living a life style I don’t want to be apart of.” Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I think you really need to address this with her- just be gentle yet firm with her. It's going to hurt no matter what you say. I'd appreciate it if a partner came out and was straight up with me about something like that. It would hurt, but it would motivate me. Depending on how she handles a little strife in her life- pushing her to lose weight could send her in the opposite direction and send her into more stress based binging. My brother met a girl that was about 5'9" 150ish lbs when they met- she got upwards of 250 within a couple of years. My brother called me to meet him 2 weeks before the wedding questioning whether or not he could marry her because of it. She was at her heaviest on their wedding day. She eventually did lose some of the weight on her own, levelling at at about 190lbs currently. She's still trying to lose more. Link to post Share on other sites
sfranks1492 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Wow, that's a tough one. Honestly, you can't WANT her to lose weight. She has to WANT to lose the weight. You harping on her will just make her NOT want to do anything rather she will feel depressed and upset that you are not happy with her body. You have to find positive ways to reinforce the exercise and fun ways to do so without her realizing that is what you are doing. If exercise is fun, it is not as difficult to do. On the other hand, if she does not want to lose weight or does not want to try and this is that important to you, then you may want to break the ties before you both get more attached. The fact that her body disgusts you is upsetting. I understand you worked hard to get fit, but what you want may not be what she wants. You both have to come to terms with what you want, what you expect and whether or not you both can agree to that. If not, you will continue to have these issues in your relationship. In the end she will end up regretting you because she can not please you with how she is NOW versus what you want her to be again. Hope this helps. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
sfranks1492 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 If your girlfriend read your post, I'm sure she would be devastated. Do you know the "why" behind why she gained the weight? Ever think that maybe she isn't happy in some aspect of her life. Fixing that could also improve how she feels about herself and encourage her to lose the weight. Talking about the weight and losing it isn't going to solve the problem. Understanding "why" she gained the weight will lead to the solution. If you care about her, you will help her find the why. If not, then you need to let her go because things will only get worse for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
sfranks1492 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 For god sakes 160 lbs is not obese. I'm 5 ft 10 and weight 138 lbs. I'm considered anorexic for my height. The weight for my height is 160-175 lbs to be considered fit on the BMI scale. I grew up playing basketball and never weighed more than 128 lbs. 7 years of college, 4 degrees and 2 children later I blossomed to 300 lbs. For five years I was considered obese. I exercised obsessively and dieted obsessively. I'd lose the weight and gain it back twofold. I CARED about being fit and healthy. I loved activity and sports, but struggled with a lot of emotional issues. In the long haul I turned to gastric bypass. I lost 170 lbs in 14 months and I've kept it off for over 3yrs. I am now thin...quite thin and healthy. But conquering one problem can lead to other problems. I had to make lifestyle changes and I worked hard to be fit. I didn't do it for LOOKS, although I feel sexier than ever. I did it for health and to be alive to see my children grow up to be adults. We have to do it for the right reason. People who speak through hatred like you do totally disgust me. It's people like you that cause others to attack those who are overweight. To each his own but you don't have to spew disgust. Link to post Share on other sites
sfranks1492 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 It sounds like you are putting your own fears of gaining weight again on your girlfriend. It seems that you both have emotional issues to work out. Understandable that you fear regaining the weight and you are putting that fear in her as well. She simply doesn't fear it as you do...hence the reason she is not motivating to act to lose the weight. Or maybe she simply feels that it is the Norm to be overwieght as you mentioned she deal with it through her childhood Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Maybe if you break up with her, then she will lose weight, then you can get back together. I lost 25 pounds and was super thin when my last boyfriend dumped me. I gained 5 back, but I am not about to gain it again. It has motivated me to keep working out. Link to post Share on other sites
MarthaMe Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have a question - I keep reading "Let herself go completely" a lot. Does she still get dressed, brush her hair, teeth, shave her legs and arms? Not doing those things would be totally letting yourself go. Gaining some weight? I dunno, could be caused by many things... I don't particularly think of that as totally letting yourself go though. I understand the issue at hand, even though it bothers me to some degree. You fell in love with someone different than who you are with today. My ex husband "Let himself go" after we got married. He put on about 40 lbs. He was pretty fit the whole time we were together up until that pont. It happens though. I still was attracted to him however. He certainly DID NOT repulse me. Then again, I thought his chub was cute. Have you asked her why? Asked her if something is going on? If she's depressed? Asked her WHY she isn't interested in going to the gym with you? Ask her to go swimming. Tell her you've noticed the weight gain and you're just curious if something is wrong. Tell her that she's acting differently and you suspect she may be feeling unwell and if there's anything she needs to talk about. Anything you can do. Tell her it bothers you because she used to be so interested and invested in keeping fit and healthy and all of a sudden she's become lethargic. WHY? Link to post Share on other sites
Gingy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 show her this post and you wont have to DO anything shell break up with you herself. Link to post Share on other sites
bac Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) Honestly i am quite insecure. Say what you want but i care a lot about what other people think of me. Should I tell her that her current bodyweight is honestly just grossing me out? I tell her that i love the way she looks no matter what but i am blatantly lying to her. It is very hard to be fit for secure women especially after 27-30. She has a BF who loves her and she feels emotionally secure. But, a woman who is really insecure can handle her weight. To make her insecure you have to wash her brains with your real attitude about her weight. You were lying to her, and she does not know that. You have to give her a hint about her weight and then give her more hints. Do not hurt her feelings with the truth because it is your fault that she is fat because you were lying to her. Edited July 5, 2011 by bac Link to post Share on other sites
cheergirl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 This isn't fair. What man doesn't want eye candy on his arm? I'd be proud to be a man's eye candy and boost his ego. She took advantage of him by reeling him in and then letting herself go once she had him. He has every right to be upset about it. Agreed 100% I'm not one to discriminate, but gotta agree with the OP here, 5'5" 180 is a seriously large woman. That would imply that obese persons choose their fate. Not so. There are a thousand plus other complications. To the OP, this is going to never NOT be an issue. If you're unhappy with this and can't accept it, then do yourself a big favor and don't marry her. I don't say that cavalierly. No one can change anyone else and apparently she is in denial and resistant to your prompts to get it back together. Yet it sure is funny how some women have no problem being eye candy when they are single and trying to catch a man, but once she has him, she no longer feels like he deserves to wake up next to a hot, fit woman. Men are visual. He has tried working with her but she doesn't want to lose the weight. If he was not being supportive, that is one thing, but it looks like he is trying to work with her and she is not budging. That is a problem. Agreed 100% I agree with this. A few years ago right after we got married my wife started to put on a little weight (10-15 lbs.). We had argument about it because it was showing up in her midsection like she was 4 months pregnant, and she goes "it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I find myself attractive". I disabused her of that notion very quickly after reminding her that if she ever wanted kids she would need a husband that was physically attracted enough to her to get it up for sex. Good for you! Wrong, physical appearance is the most important thing to men. Whether you like the analogy or not, she is being disrespectful and if she continues he should dump. Agreed There is no dilemma. It's bloody easy. What do you call a person you love, but do not find physically attractive? A friend.There you go.:bunny: I have never been overweight in my adult life. at my biggest I was with a partner who was a bit of a feeder, but when i left it it dropped off. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a hot babe on your arm. most men do. I like being the hot babe, and my partner likes it too. it's part of who I am, you need a girl who is going to look after herself because that's who she is... The thing is you said you are repulsed now... It's not going to spontaneously get better, is it? this is such a deal-breaker for me. maybe if you say something she'll change. My fella would mention, raise an eyebrow once in a while and i knew "Gosh! have I put on weight?" sometimes we don't even notice... then I'd pay a bit more attention walk a bit more watch what i ate and i'd soon get the results because he'd be very complimentary. Some people thrive on praise, if your girl does that could help. hate to say it, but this is your future... read this thread and be very afraid. you are a guy posting. Read what happens when a woman posts her weight problem. she is pretty much universally backed up by other women and some men... NO SEX BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT GAIN http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208308/ Link to post Share on other sites
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