Girlfriends body seriously grossing me out.

[stace79]

Whether or not she is fat, chubby or obese, she is still a person with feelings, thoughts and value. Hell, I know some overweight or close to obese people who I'd save in a fire over some "fit" people who are complete you-know-whats. The posters who talk about overweight people as if they have no value because they are fat repulse me.

 

Back to the original issue: OP, you'll HAVE to make this a team effort, and if you come across as an enemy, it will never work. Think about it from your shoes - if she wanted you to do something that was really hard for you. How could SHE approach it in a way that would build motivation and support you? Then turn that around for her situation.

 

I don't disagree that we should each work hard to keep our Rs healthy and happy. I also don't think that means I need to look like a supermodel. So, OP, if your gf were to be 5'5' and 140 would you be happy? Or do you want her to have a perfect body?

[OliveOyl]

Speaking of perceived weight, I love this site:

 

http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.html

 

It is kind of an eye-opener. People can really carry their weight differently and build/muscularity really makes a difference.

[Els]

Oh yea, no one ever underestimated their weight by 20 pounds. Would trust OP's opinion as someone who has been there himself.

 

Wow. So just because your ex lied to you, means the OP's gf definitely lied to him?

 

Scales are a dime a dozen. Surely the OP's gf actually weighed herself.

[TigerCub]

The key point here is bolded. YOU wanted to lose weight. So your bf should definitely not feel beholden to restrain himself just for your sake.

 

In this case the OP wants HER to lose weight though. Since she is content with her weight and really only losing it to look attractive for HIM, he should definitely do all he can to ease her efforts. The biggest help he can be to her at this point is definitely to not eat 5000kcal/day in front of her.

 

Fine, that's a valid point.

But honestly, for a person that wanted to lose an extra 10 pounds when she was 130, can anyone assume that she is happy at 160?

 

I know that we can't read her mind...just seems odd to me I guess.

 

Since OP is fit (from what he says), I doubt the foods he eats are going to be junk food and crap like that. Although he could get away with eating crap food, most fit people that work out a lot tend to eat healthy as part of their lifestyle.

 

If he's just eating junk food in front of her, then yeah, that's mean and he should cut it out if he wants her to lose weight.

[Els]

Speaking of perceived weight, I love this site:

 

http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.html

 

It is kind of an eye-opener. People can really carry their weight differently and build/muscularity really makes a difference.

 

Holy crap. Really interesting, rofl. I'm truly annoyed how http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/501-140.html is my height, 20 lbs more than me, and seems to have less of a tummy than me, though.

[stace79]

Is she having other issues? Is she depressed? Has she had her thyroid and other bloodwork checked out? Seems odd that someone who worked so hard to be in shape before suddenly just "checked out" and is okay with this. Did any events happen around the time she began gaining weight and stopping her exercise?

[tman666]

I'd have to disagree with you here, tman (might be the first time... ), but I see this (as with many things) in a simple black and white...she might be hurt and angry, but it's up to her to decide what she wants...and so what if she makes you out to be the bad guy...? If that's the case, then it makes his decision all the easier...

 

I honestly think it's an easy situation to resolve...

 

Well, from an outside point of view, I tend to agree with you: black and white. He tells her how he's feeling; if she doesn't like it, then tough sh*t. She can either figure it out or face the consequences.

 

However, that line of thinking is much more difficult when it involves someone you love. I watched my brother go through the EXACT same scenario as this with his former girlfriend that he dated for about 5 years. My brother and I are pretty similar: he's into being active, lifting, etc. and he's NOT attracted to fat girls. When he first started dating this girl, she was good looking, fairly skinny (not a rail, mind you, but in acceptable shape). Over the years, she gradually put on the fat to a point where my brother was confiding in me that he was having a hard time even getting it up around her. When a 19/20 year old is having a hard time getting it up, you know there's a problem.

 

I encouraged him to approach the situation head on and communicate with her his needs. She responded by acting like a kicked dog, and then by lashing out at him by telling all her girlfriends what a mean, heartless bastard he was. Keep in mind that this was a girl that he was dating for 5 years. He thought that he knew her, and he did feel love for her, personality wise. Over the progressing months since he had dropped that bomb, she became even more jealous, possessive, etc. to a point where he was not even wanting to come over to my place and hang out with me and my roommates (she would lay a huge, many days long bitch trip every time he wasn't at her side like a good boy).

 

Luckily for him, he was able to man up and dump her ass eventually. I really do think that his telling her about his problems with her weight was a turning point for the relationship. It's sort of humorous, actually, since he now has a new gf who is into working out, eating right and keeping herself in shape. His ex, on the other hand, upon finding herself dumped, wallowed in self pity and singleness for a couple of years before finally making the commitment to losing some weight. Lo and behold, she now has found a budding new relationship with another guy. And good for her, I say.

 

Her "I'm the victim" her mentality got her nowhere. I suspect that the fate of the OP's situation will be decided on how she approaches the problem.

[make me believe]

I don't know how she is to diet with the OP putting in 5000kcal/day around her... it would take a HUGE amount of restraint.

 

Oh, please. She is an adult and makes her own food decisions. HIS eating habits did not make HER gain weight. If she was unhappy about her weight gain, she would make the necessary adjustments to her diet no matter what he was eating. The problem is she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's totally unfair for one person to do that to another, IMO. Physical appearance and sexual attraction are very important whether people want to admit it or not.

[USMCHokie]

Well, from an outside point of view, I tend to agree with you: black and white. He tells her how he's feeling; if she doesn't like it, then tough sh*t. She can either figure it out or face the consequences.

 

I absolutely agree with you here. It's much easier to make an objective analysis from a third person perspective where emotion is not involved.

 

Luckily for him, he was able to man up and dump her ass eventually. I really do think that his telling her about his problems with her weight was a turning point for the relationship. It's sort of humorous, actually, since he now has a new gf who is into working out, eating right and keeping herself in shape. His ex, on the other hand, upon finding herself dumped, wallowed in self pity and singleness for a couple of years before finally making the commitment to losing some weight. Lo and behold, she now has found a budding new relationship with another guy. And good for her, I say.

 

Good for him in finding a girl who has compatible values with him.

 

Her "I'm the victim" her mentality got her nowhere. I suspect that the fate of the OP's situation will be decided on how she approaches the problem.

 

Agreed. And that's why it's a relatively easy situation for him. He simply communicates what he values. It's up to her to make the decision of what she values.

[Els]

Oh, please. She is an adult and makes her own food decisions. HIS eating habits did not make HER gain weight. If she was unhappy about her weight gain, she would make the necessary adjustments to her diet no matter what he was eating. The problem is she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's totally unfair for one person to do that to another, IMO. Physical appearance and sexual attraction are very important whether people want to admit it or not.

 

Unfortunately, your two bolded statements completely contradict each other. Weight gain isn't something one does to another. Either she truly makes her own decisions - she decides whether or not she wants to lose weight, and is completely accountable for it regardless of what he eats or does... or her weight is something tied up with him and the relationship and thus BOTH of them should take accountability for the weight loss, and that INCLUDES dieting.

 

Anyway, I'm just giving the OP a possible solution to the weight loss that he desires. Like it or not, it IS going to be easier for someone to diet when their partner is doing the same - it's just human nature. Whether or not he wants the result badly enough to do that, is up to him. And her.

 

Honestly, a guy complaining that his gf is too fat, but insisting on eating 5000 kcal/day in front of her, is exactly like a woman wanting her bf to be ambitious but then throwing a tantrum whenever he comes back at 8pm from work. Actions and desires have to match up.

Edited July 5, 2011 by Elswyth

[Els]

Thanks, HS, you got my point. Well, to be fair to the OP, he had already said that he loves her and does not want to break up with her for it.

 

Dasein, chicken breasts have possibly one of the lowest calorie to bulk ratios where food is concerned - they are a diet food. There is no way anyone can possibly consume 5000 kcal/day solely by consuming protein-rich foods. He would have died of overload if he had tried.

[RedRussian8080]

Don't settle bro, you deserve the best, find your soul mate, a pretty, skinny, bubbly blond girl who loves sex.

[cheergirl]

Ronaldo. He is overweight and chubby yet he's still a decent player.

 

Yeah, but he doesn't want to marry/have sex w/ Ronaldo:)

[Els]

Wow, you don't know much about a training or athletic diet, do you?

 

My comment earlier was solely aimed at your implication that his diet would have mostly consisted on low-cal protein drinks and skinless chicken breasts. Simply put, it is impossible to eat 5000kcal worth of those. Thanks for confirming that in your next post.

 

Now, back to the topic - you've evidently never tried going on a calorie restriction diet while living with a partner who eats that much, have you? He doesn't HAVE to eat doritos in front of her - watching him chow down on carbs and meat alone, even if they are healthy carbs and meat, is going to look mighty tempting to someone who's trying to make do with a small serving of diet food.

 

I don't understand why you're taking such great issue with me suggesting that the OP not eat in front of his gf as a method of helping her lose weight. If you have a better solution to solve the OP's problem (loves her, doesn't want to leave her, wants to help her lose weight), we're all ears.

[cheergirl]

So rather than being selfish and superficial he should stay with a fat woman who grosses him out, because that's morally superior? Who is she? She's just a girlfriend. How come you think she is so entitled to him?

 

I want to have sex with pretty women. Sue me.

 

Go Alex, Go Alex and all that...

[welikeincrowds]

Do you not agree that if OP perhaps joined her in the diet, at least for one main meal, it may help? Or cut back on the amount he exposes her to his eating habits? I put on weight when I was with my ex because he could get away with eating junk, and I couldn't. That's not saying it was his fault, but having someone eat crap in front of you doesn't encourage one to eat healthy.

 

It's an interesting problem.

 

Take it from me: eating the calories you need for training is not easy. It takes will, and it requires that you fight your body, and especially your bad habits. In that way, it's not different from "dieting" to lose weight -- both are dieting, with different goals.

 

If fitness is as important to the OP as he claims, then it's safe to assume that his calories are coming from is eggs, lean meats, nuts, protein shakes, etc. You have to do this to lose that kind of weight (as he says he has).

 

Personally, I would not feel comfortable sacrificing fitness goals for my SO's sake, because I feel that concerns of health & fitness should come first. To that end, I would not change my own eating pattern, designed for my personal fitness goals for the sole purpose of motivating a partner. Now, if both of us would benefit, that would be different -- for instance, if both people were ready to lose weight and cut calories -- but eating right and enough is difficult as it is, without having to worry about how it will intimidate others.

 

And that's the point -- his eating would be a personal challenge, too. I see and understand the inherent difficulty in witnessing someone eat while you can't, but at the same time, a weightlifter's diet is not pleasure eating -- sometimes it's eating what you don't want, when you don't even want anything. Solidarity, support, and teamwork can be found in commiserating in the unique challenges of a fitness regimen, without the details of those fitness regimens being the same.

[Trojan John]

It's an interesting problem.

 

Take it from me: eating the calories you need for training is not easy. It takes will, and it requires that you fight your body, and especially your bad habits. In that way, it's not different from "dieting" to lose weight -- both are dieting, with different goals.

 

And that's the point -- his eating would be a personal challenge, too. I see and understand the inherent difficulty in witnessing someone eat while you can't, but at the same time, a weightlifter's diet is not pleasure eating -- sometimes it's eating what you don't want, when you don't even want anything. Solidarity, support, and teamwork can be found in commiserating in the unique challenges of a fitness regimen, without the details of those fitness regimens being the same.

 

I totally agree with this. If I don't take in at least 3500 calories per day, I WILL lose weight. My metabolism is so high that, coupled with exercise, I have to regularly eat or I will shed weight like a heroin addict. My wife's program is almost the opposite. She does not/could not eat how I eat. The main thing is that we both exercise regularly to maintain our girlish figures...

[cheergirl]

I'm sorry, but that's not a good enough reason.

Back in the day when I wanted to lose weight, my bf would feel bad about ordering desserts when we had dinner out. I would tell him to order what he wanted.Just because I was dieting, didn't mean he should be deprived of what he wanted.

I just think that it sucks when a person is a certain way, then they get a bf/gf and let themselves go - the person that's stuck with them is certainly not getting something 'as advertised'

 

seriously though, I think that people have a responsibility to themselves and their partners to stay in good shape, to still put in effort with regards to looks, health, romance, sex, etc..

That's what helped build the R in the first place, why should it all go out the window now?

 

If she doesn't then leave, don't stay with her and then be tempted to cheat on her, or whatever...

 

Agreed 100%

 

 

Oh, please. She is an adult and makes her own food decisions. HIS eating habits did not make HER gain weight. If she was unhappy about her weight gain, she would make the necessary adjustments to her diet no matter what he was eating. The problem is she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's totally unfair for one person to do that to another, IMO. Physical appearance and sexual attraction are very important whether people want to admit it or not.

 

Hear, hear...

 

You see OP told you... See how most of the females are siding with the fat gf and shaming you. If you don't demand change immediately, (it'll take her a few months to get hot again) and she doesn't respond immediately out of her love for you, I'd be outta there like a shot...

 

You are an adult as is she. She's not a little girl who needs to be coaxed, cajoled, convinced, pleaded with begged to stay in shape so you can have a sexual relationship with her. WTF, is that a job you want for the next 10-15 yrs, on her back constantly to make her stop pigging out and becoming even bigger???? You'll both end up resenting each other.

 

If she's not taking responsibility now you think what it's gonna be like when she gets pregnant... good luck,mate!

You get what you demand in life, you get a fat gf because you tolerate it. Be honest with her, don't sugar coat it. why are all these adults telling you not to hurt her feelings, she's not some child, she's a woman!

How patronizing! Give her 10lbs, she'll take 40lbs, Look around mate... Wake UP!!!

[nyc_guy2003]

Speaking of perceived weight, I love this site:

 

http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.html

 

 

I've decided, 5'10" 130 is the perfect size for a chick judging by the pics here.

[nyc_guy2003]

No. Morbidly obese is defined as over 40 BMI (or over 35 with complications). 5'5" at 180 is only 30 BMI. Clearly overweight? Yes. But she's not morbidly obese.

 

Disagree. The chicks at 5'5" 180 on this chart are a looottttt of woman: http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/505-180.html

[cheergirl]

You're talking like it is something she has done out of spite to him, she hasn't.

Whatever the reason, she's repulsive to him now.

 

It's not like anyone would want to get fat. I'm gonna bet that if she read some of his comments on here she'd dump in a flash, because I would.

 

IFor all the posters who said she should dump him for having the temerity to mention the simple truth that her body disgusts him, doesn't he have any say? Or should he just accept his gf fat and hate it. That's not love.

 

Not because I'm not adult enough to see the error in my habits,

 

But that is a pretty childish attitude

 

I can tell myself if I need to lose the weight, as can she. But because of the disrespect.

 

Is it respectful to gain so much weight that your fiance feels sick at the sight of you? If there was some aspect about myself that my bf loathed and I had the power to change it, would I love him if I didn't?

 

The idea that other people's opinions mean more to him than the things that he supposedly loves.

 

I'm not siding with anyone, there's just different ways to tackle this issue. If he approached it from the health/lifestyle angle over the physical appearance angle he'd probably get a better response.

 

Why is it wrong for a man to be concerned with his gf's appearance???

 

If he approaches it from an appearance angle, that's somehow "wrong", but if he lies, and says it's all about health, that's ok?

 

This is self-imposed conspiracy of silence about weight is counter-productive, peurile and just plain crazy. More than half the people here are participating in it as well, effectively telling this man to lie to his gf or dance around the issue to protect her feelings.

Is she going to be happy fat w/no bf?

 

Few think this girl should take responsibiliy for her size/eating habits?

Her man has to babysit her weight problem???

Sense of entitlement or what? I get fat and YOU must help me lose weight.

What's wrong with the unvarnished truth?

Why does he need an "angle" to address the issue?

He's talking about marrying this girl, and he can't talk to her like an adult?

Why do grown women with weight issues need to be approached in such a fawningly oversensitive manner?

Why does he have to hide his true feelings?

None of this makes sense to me...

Madness, utter madness....

[Dust]

Why is it wrong for a man to be concerned with his gf's appearance???

 

If he approaches it from an appearance angle, that's somehow "wrong", but if he lies, and says it's all about health, that's ok?

 

This is self-imposed conspiracy of silence about weight is counter-productive, peurile and just plain crazy. More than half the people here are participating in it as well, effectively telling this man to lie to his gf or dance around the issue to protect her feelings.

Is she going to be happy fat w/no bf?

 

Few think this girl should take responsibiliy for her size/eating habits?

Her man has to babysit her weight problem???

Sense of entitlement or what? I get fat and YOU must help me lose weight.

What's wrong with the unvarnished truth?

Why does he need an "angle" to address the issue?

He's talking about marrying this girl, and he can't talk to her like an adult?

Why do grown women with weight issues need to be approached in such a fawningly oversensitive manner?

Why does he have to hide his true feelings?

None of this makes sense to me...

Madness, utter madness....

 

I think it would be cruel of him to say something like “You gross me out” I even think it would be uncalled for to say “I don’t want to date you because being as fat as you are is unattractive” I even think it would be drama to just say “I’m un-attracted to you” and leave it at that.

 

He should be gentle with this person because they are supposed to care about each other. Health really is the underlying issue. If it was healthy it would probably be attractive. The fact is she is probably 60lbs over weight and growing. She seems like the type of person who will yo-yo down and then up, up, and away! If she doesn’t have this problem under control and he has lost his attraction he has no requirement to marry her. He has said he loves her and he seems like he genuinely meant it. Still I love you isn’t the same as marrying some one. He has every right to get out of this just like he could dump some one who started smoking or drinking to much what ever. It is just unhealthy self destructive behavior. If he still has hope of her getting this under control he could try to motivate her. Really though the choice is hers. All he has to say if he dumps her is he doesn’t want to be around her self destructive behavior. Really I consider any one who dates obese people enablers. If to fat people are dating each other they are both enablers. The worst is when you see people with obese children. These children have the highest metabolisms they will ever have. If they stay fat through their teens they are on a path for destruction unless they relearn everything. Even at that point physical damage will be done. If he maries this woman and has kids with her which may be hard since fat women have trouble getting pregnant the kids will likely end up fat. Because she just doesn’t care about moderation and exercise and eating health foods.

[Rinas]

Lets not forget that OP is the one who believes he is more attractive "Out of her league", and more intelligent than his girlfriend.

 

OP do your girlfriend a favor and tell her how it is, give her the choice to stay or go.

[TheCoolest]

The key point here is bolded. YOU wanted to lose weight. So your bf should definitely not feel beholden to restrain himself just for your sake.

 

In this case the OP wants HER to lose weight though. Since she is content with her weight and really only losing it to look attractive for HIM, he should definitely do all he can to ease her efforts. The biggest help he can be to her at this point is definitely to not eat 5000kcal/day in front of her.

 

I am huge. I can eat 5000 calories a day seeing as how i lift 5 days a week. And i run 6 days a week. And its not like i eat 5000 calories of chips and candy. Most of the stuff i eat is quite bland and low in calories. I just have to eat a lot of it. If she was eating what i was eating i would have no problem with her pigging out. If she was working out like i was working out i would have no problem with her pigging out. But if i was a couch potato i sure as hell wouldn't be eating 5k a day.

 

Edit: And let me say that i do find her face very attractive. It is her fat that turns me off.

Edited July 6, 2011 by TheCoolest

[TheCoolest]

I'm a female and I think 5'5 180 lbs is unattractive, FAT. VERY FAT. Don't give a damn what the official BMI says; to me it's nasty and unattractive. I don't care if she is healthy or not; it's just unappealing visually. I'm in my thirties and still a size 00 and I weigh under 100 lbs (I'm barely 5 ft).

 

Heck yea, women are vain and superficial; I can't speak for all women but I sure am. I would never put up with an overweight man or a guy who is not fit and I mean FIT (not just healthy but cut with definition, abs). Sexual attraction is very important.

 

I don't care what the average weight is in America and that supposedly it's ok to be overweight because that's what the "majority" is. I am not the "majority". I am not "average". I am not the "average woman". I am BETTER than average in every aspect of my life. I excel in everything I do. Average = mediocrity. I will NEVER be just average.

 

Why use the average as a standard to compare yourself by? Why feel that it's ok to be a little chubby and have some love handles because it's average. In MY eyes, 180 lbs at 5 ft 5 is obese and gross, I don't care what the medical charts say.

 

I like to be fit and toned and I would expect any guy who wants to get in my pants to be the same.

 

5'5 and 180 lbs is disgusting; no offense.

 

Your boyfriend must be lucky.