Girlfriends body seriously grossing me out.

[Taramere]

What can i do? I am a real fit guy. Used to be a fatter guy. My girlfriend was a real fit girl who used to be fat when i met her. Now shes a fat girl again. And its turning me off. I do love her. And any problems that we have we are always able to work through them fairly easily. I do think that i want to marry her. But she has been steadily gaining weight. It would be one thing if she was chubby. But shes actually getting fat now. Wanna she does little strip teases for me i have to try hard not to grimace. When i see her from behind i just feel like killing myself.

 

If this is happening now, then the chances are that she's always going to struggle with a weight problem. The best encouragement you could give her would involve reminiscing about times in the past (when she was thin) and mentioning how great she looked. Even if she tries to pull you into insulting her about her weight, don't bite. Just let her know that she looks great when she's the right, healthy size for her weight...and that it would be dishonest for you to say that she looks better thirty or forty pounds higher than is healthy.

 

I don't think your views on this are wrong or shallow. If you were saying that you expected her to be 115 pounds at 5 ft 5" then yes...those would be unrealistic and unfair expectations. Men who glorify the waif like look aren't good for most women to spend much time around. However, what you are saying is that you thought she looked good at 130 pounds for 5 ft 5". That's a mature and reasonable expectation. 130 pounds is pretty much bang in the middle of what would be her healthy weight.

[thatone]

 

When I was trying to quit smoking, whenever I backslid and smoked, I would take a picture of myself and put it on the bathroom mirror. It was very effective, and there were four pictures on my mirror in all. I left them up for two years, and what was embarrassing gradually became affirming as the time went by. Next time GF is stretching the couch springs watching Dr. Phil or whatever and howing down, take a picture and put it on the refrigerator.

 

it's easier to do with positive reinforcement, for example...

 

when i question my poor attitude about something i think of self hating people who quit all their vices and have to project their self hate on to everyone else to keep themselves going. then i pour a stiff drink, have a smoke, make the conscious decision to not work out and just skip dessert to keep the scale even, and when i'm done with the day i sleep like a f*cking stone.

 

does that count?

Edited July 10, 2011 by thatone

[Hadaha345]

ohh very very good

[frenchiefun]

Judging from her posting history, frenchiefun is apparently someone who established an account here in order to brag about how she has been carrying on a multi-year affair with a married man. So, I think it would be a mistake for you to take many of her judgments about your character to heart.

 

Yes, if it has any bearing on what is being discussed here which I seriously doubt, I have been in an affair with a married man for some years, and you know what? he's overweight, but I don't nag him to lose weight - l love him just the way he is and for who he is, unlike the OP does for his poor girlfriend.

[frenchiefun]

So people have a real risk of dying from going off sugar cold turkey the way opiate addicts do? They vomit and shake uncontrollably for days? They have to be restrained and locked up? I think not.

 

 

You are really not as clever as you think you are, dasein....people don't die from opiate withdrawal - it's painful as i understand it, but not fatal.

 

However, cold turkey withdrawal from alcohol and benzodiazepine addiction can be dangerous.

[LittleTiger]

You are really not as clever as you think you are, dasein....people don't die from opiate withdrawal - it's painful as i understand it, but not fatal.

 

However, cold turkey withdrawal from alcohol and benzodiazepine addiction can be dangerous.

 

.......and since the OPs girlfriend's problem is 'food' rather than drugs or alcohol, we can be fairly certain that going 'cold turkey' would result in her suffering a long, slow and painful death!

[chuckles11]

Yes, if it has any bearing on what is being discussed here which I seriously doubt, I have been in an affair with a married man for some years, and you know what? he's overweight, but I don't nag him to lose weight - l love him just the way he is and for who he is, unlike the OP does for his poor girlfriend.

 

It was only relevant because your entire first post was basically a diatribe about how shallow and self-absorbed the OP is. Since he responded to your insults, I thought he might be interested to know that you also engage in behavior that most people would see as indicative of poor character.

[stillafool]

I know if I had a boyfriend or husband who came on some site to complain about how repulsed he is with my body, I would hope he would tell me and leave me the f--- alone. I'd rather be alone than know someone was living with me who thought I was gross. I would hope they would have enough courage to move on and leave me open to find someone else.

[Els]

So people have a real risk of dying from going off sugar cold turkey the way opiate addicts do?

 

LOL you crack me up.

 

Why don't you try? Two months without ingesting any form of sugar - which includes all types of carbohydrates, starch and fiber. Then come back and report in to us. Go.

[LittleTiger]

Yeah, ambien will do that for you. Interesting, as I stopped measuring my life against other people's back in my 20s, and don't spend a whole lot of time obsessing on what other people do and whether or not they hate themselves. Though I still have vices, getting rid of the most ridiculous, weak-willed ones like smoking, overeating and overdrinking actually brought me less sleep due to the presence of enthusiastic company in my bed more often than when I was a weak and dissolute baby in the body of a man. To each his own I guess.

 

A true specimen of physical and psychological perfection I'm sure!

[Lawgrl78]

OP, as someone with a weight problem herself (I am, in fact, about the same size as your gf - 5'5"/168), I hope I can give you a different perspective from some of those you've read here.

 

First, although I have to admit that many, many of the comments on this thread really hurt my feelings (I know I'm overweight, but I honestly had no idea how many people out there - both male and female - considered someone of my size to be obese and hideous), I do think that it is reasonable for an athletic/fit guy to want an athletic/fit girl. At my current size, I have only dated one guy who was really athletic; I think that, for the most part, guys like that are not attracted to girls like me, and that's fine.

 

Your situation is a little different, though, because I can pretty much guarantee that your gf thinks you are still attracted to her and is going to be devastated if you say anything else. I have an opposite view of what other people are saying here - I can absolutely handle not getting asked out by a fit guy, but I feel like if someone loves me and THEN I gain weight, they will continue to find me beautiful. It is probably totally unrealistic, but that is what goes on in my head - and perhaps your gf's - and so to find out anything else would be devastating. No matter how well-intentioned it was, any comment they made on my appearance would be taken by me as evidence that they don't really love me.

 

So what I'm saying is, if you really love this girl and you don't want to break up with her, you must tread very, VERY carefully. Saying it's about her health will not work - she will see right through that. I'm guessing she is already pretty insecure about it because I believe you said that when you've mentioned it before she got upset, tried for a few weeks, and then quit. If she's anything like me, that's because she was motivated by fear rather than a true desire to get in better shape.

 

I just started a fitness plan myself and what did it for me was seeing some particularly unflattering photos of myself from behind. Sounds weird, but depending on your gf's body type and accounting for general self-distortion, she really might not know how far it's gotten out of hand. For example, I have large breasts and don't tend to gain much weight in the stomach area so when I'd look at myself in store windows or sideways in the mirror, I thought I looked pretty good. Of course, I couldn't see the back fat and expanding ass.

 

Maybe take a pic from behind some time when you guys are out somewhere, and she's wearing a tank top and shorts. Obviously, be subtle about this - like you're taking a photo of a landmark or mountain or something. Let her see that photo and make her own judgment on it. If she says, "Oh my God, I look like a hideous beast!" DO NOT agree with her; just say something like, "You're not hideous, you've just put on a little weight. But if you're unhappy with it, why not start coming to the gym with me?" And make sure she doesn't try to eat too little at first because that is a sure fire way to set one self up for a binge.

 

Anyway, I hope this works. But if it doesn't, and you can't get over it, then, unfortunately, I agree with the other posters that you're going to have to let her go. Otherwise, you will just make yourself miserable and waste her time.

[Lawgrl78]

Oh, one other thing. If you can get her in a moment when she's open to suggestion, this site is great:

 

http://www.myfitnesspal.com

 

It's free, and you can very easily track what you eat and how much you exercise. A couple of days of seeing in front of her face how many calories are in fast food compared to how many she actually needs to eat per day might wake her up (yes, we should already know this, but when you're in a place of self-delusion, as I was, you never think it's quite that bad). It also gives you a pretty mean warning if you go UNDER calories for the day so it provides for really healthy and sustainable weight loss.

[dreamingoftigers]

So people have a real risk of dying from going off sugar cold turkey the way opiate addicts do? They vomit and shake uncontrollably for days? They have to be restrained and locked up? I think not.

 

Please review the proper definition of addiction.

 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in the individual pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. The addiction is characterized by impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships. Like other chronic diseases, addiction can involve cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

For your own information there are also sexual addicts in the world and they don't die and shake for days if porn gets taken away from them. However, many do go through actual physical withdrawals and depression.

 

When I quit sugar and flour I go through actual physical withdrawal symptoms. Similar to those who quit caffeine, which is very addictive as well without question.

 

Any addiction will eventually lead to death. It simply will, sugar is no different. Granted some addictions are more likely to lead you there more quickly and interfere with your judgment and quality of life, this does not mean that people do not have a dependency that they are struggling with. It also doesn't mean that the substance etc. in question is not difficult to quit and is not being used as a form of self-medication.

 

Another example of addiction that one would not die from withdrawing from is video games. This sounds very paranoid and jokey to say but in truth video games work on the same place of the brain that cocaine does and there is a suggested time limit set for them. So many influences today create a minor or major rush that works like a feedback loop your brain keeps wanting to trip over. Our brains were not designed to adapt to the current environment, we were designed to live more slowly and tribally.

[utterer of lies]

Anything will eventually lead to death.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

All humans die. Any 'will eventually lead to death' is implied simply by being a human and not being dead already.

[Barrsitter]

We are not here to judge you for wanting a hot GF. That's your right.

 

Live honestly and authentically and go find the woman who turns you on, in all ways. Don't try to make someone into something they are not.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, smoking was easy compared to my breathing addiction, which is proving much tougher, a real catch 22 that one.

 

Seriously, you make lots of good points, and have caused me to rethink dismissing sugar addiction as just more rationalizing. Thanks. Still pretty hardline on reasonable expectations of mates to take care of themselves though.

 

Mates should take care of themselves, absolutely. This is coming from someone who hasn't and didn't realize the effect on my life and relationships. Personally I believe that the most loving thing a mate can do is manage themselves and that often includes their own emotional responses as well.

I also believe that once you do that final committing in (marriage) that you show as much care for your mate as you do for yourself. You honour yourself by honouring your mate.

 

I can also quote up some studies dealing with the addictive nature of sugar and the effects on the body, mainly hormone imbalance causing rapid weight gain etc. It also explains why since the invention of "low fat" products our weight as a society has actually gone up. What companies often do is take the fat out of products and increase the sugars (be they artificial or naturally occuring). Fat is not generally what makes us fat. Sugar triggers certain hormones to trigger calories to be stored as fat instead of more usable glycogen in muscles, so it slows muscle growth (the more muscles the more calories burned), completely depletes energy from lowered glycogen and even depletes other nutrients to disgest the sugar itself. Sugar is basically a net loss to your system. Really, really hard on the body. Those with Native American (or Canadian) heritage often have an even harder time processing sugar and alcohols.

 

Maybe I read too much.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

All humans die. 'will eventually lead to a quicker, stupider, earlier death'.

 

Better?

[welikeincrowds]

Really? Why are you trying so hard to get a reaction then? Keep trying real hard, you will go far in life. I'll be sure to think really, really hard too about your lecture on my shortcomings.

 

When I was trying to quit smoking, whenever I backslid and smoked, I would take a picture of myself and put it on the bathroom mirror. It was very effective, and there were four pictures on my mirror in all. I left them up for two years, and what was embarrassing gradually became affirming as the time went by. Next time GF is stretching the couch springs watching Dr. Phil or whatever and chowing down, take a picture and put it on the refrigerator.

 

Give me a break. You call that a provocation? Show me where I said anything mean-spirited about you. In fact, show me where I said anything mean-spirited at all. Show me where I stopped focusing on your argument; show me where I called you a name; show me where I made it personal.

 

Meanwhile, I can show you where you did. I don't even have to go farther than your first paragraph.

 

The only time people call others bad names is if they harbor negative feelings. I didn't call you names because I don't have those feelings. So one has to wonder: why are you calling this woman these names?

 

In that post, I focused on your argument only. I wanted you to know that if all you really want is to help as you imply, then you should work on your delivery.

 

This time, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to tell you that you, personally, are projecting like crazy. In one post you're condemning others for getting mad at the internet, but from what I see here, that's just about all you're doing. My "lecture" on "your shortcomings." Jesus. What?

 

I understand that you've overcome some challenges in your life and I commend you for that. I fail to see how that justifies your hatred, and it hardly does much to explain it. What makes you think that because you willed yourself into better health through self-hatred that you are somehow now exempt from common decency? Before I was rhetorical with this question, but now I am literally asking: what is the chip on your shoulder? Is it unresolved anger for yourself, or someone else? Because it is certainly not actually for this stranger, whom you have never met, seen, or even been referred to by name.

[Els]

How ignorant of me not to have known that ALL food is composed entirely of sugar. Silly me thought that foods were actually converted to sugar in the body. Thanks for setting me straight.

 

No, it really is 'silly me didn't realize that sugar is the building block of any type of carbohydrate and fiber. Silly me thought that foods were actually converted to sugar in the body instead of simply being broken down into their building blocks'. You're welcome.

 

Anyway, like the trampstamp thread, have had my say here in the hungry hungry hippo thread, position is very clear, and hope I have given OP a useful perspective to consider. Not interested in any further flame-baiting.

What was your advice to the OP again? I must've missed it.

 

Oh, wait, I assume from all your derogatory comments about his 'inconsiderate hippo gf', that you were insinuating that he should dump her, even though he clearly stated that he wanted to stay with her, and wanted advice on how to encourage her to lose weight. Besides being completely unrelated to the OP's request, you give interesting advice for a guy who, based on his own words, put up with a hot girl for years even though she treated him like crap.

Edited July 11, 2011 by Elswyth

[welikeincrowds]

So my 2.5 lines of response to you (the rest was to OP) gets me 22 lines of snarling flame-baiting? And I'm the one with a problem?

 

Your 2.5 lines of response was the flame. The rest of your posts were the fuel -- the combined total, I'm sure, far exceeds 22 lines. Though I am amused by the thought of you sitting there and counting, possibly out loud and with your index finger, exactly how many lines I wrote.

 

Despite what you may claim -- snarling is a colorful word, and again, one I'd call a projection -- I still hold no ill will for you. You're clearly very bright. You just don't appear to take well to criticism, which I also find amusing in its irony.

 

The unfortunate thing about people who do not take well to criticism is that they take things so personally, even when they were not made so. While this makes one come across as unlikeable (no good sense -- now that's 2 strikes for your ethos, dasein), the more troubling problem is that these people are refusing to push a discussion forward -- preferring, rather, to take it down.

 

Since you've revealed yourself to be one of those people, I must concede to leave this discussion, with disappointment. Surely there is a topic to which you can contribute your cleverness, which will not dissolve into transparent hatred. I look forward to your contributions to that thread, whatever it may be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm so fat I can barely type anymore. The sausage-finger effect, you know. Soon I will have to go on permanent disability if I can't slim down these portly digits.

[welikeincrowds]

Now THAT'S irony. Only 15 lines to my one this goround, good for you.

 

:lmao: ah yes, I recognize this style of "argument". Glad to have you back, although I have to wonder what I did to make you so comically angry at me all the time.

[Egychick]

I started dating an athlete recently. He's a pro footballer(soccer player). He is very into fitness and does intense workouts. I was a little over weight but not fat, and needed to flatten my stomach. He kept bugging me for weeks to start working out. I myself wanted to lose weight, but it's hard when someone else tells you to do it. He always said that he would accept me no matter what and love me no matter what, but he knew I would look so much better if I flattened my stomach and toned up.

 

So I started this now. I do stomach exercises everyday and cardio almost everyday. I already see a difference after a month. Encourage your gf but make sure that she knows you care about her (and make her feel beautiful). She knows what she looks like, she looks at herself everyday in the mirror. Once she tries and sees a difference she will stick with it. But you can't make anyone until they are ready to change themselves.

[TheCoolest]

If anyone actually cares anymore we have reached a compromise. I promised her that i would go to the gym less and take her out more. In exchange she shall come to the gym with me more often.

 

We also planned out two diets together. One muscle building diet (for me) And one fat loss diet. Whenever someone trips up on there diet we BOTH get a cheat day and that person has to do something embarrassing of the other persons choosing. Its been two days. But she seems much happier this time around when i ask her about her diet. And she did go to the gym with me yesterday. This could be the start of a great thing. Wish us luck.

[BetheButterfly]

If anyone actually cares anymore we have reached a compromise. I promised her that i would go to the gym less and take her out more. In exchange she shall come to the gym with me more often.

 

We also planned out two diets together. One muscle building diet (for me) And one fat loss diet. Whenever someone trips up on there diet we BOTH get a cheat day and that person has to do something embarrassing of the other persons choosing. Its been two days. But she seems much happier this time around when i ask her about her diet. And she did go to the gym with me yesterday. This could be the start of a great thing. Wish us luck.

 

Good luck the Coolest!!! That's awesome!!! I'm proud of both of you and hope that she gets more and more excited about it (and as she sees that she can fit more and more into "skinny" clothes, she will get more and more happy about it. Don't forget to praise her efforts sincerely and if she's an affectionate person, like I am, to give her lots of hugs and hold her hand a lot... this helps me so much with my Muscleman!

[Afishwithabike]

If anyone actually cares anymore we have reached a compromise. I promised her that i would go to the gym less and take her out more. In exchange she shall come to the gym with me more often.

 

We also planned out two diets together. One muscle building diet (for me) And one fat loss diet. Whenever someone trips up on there diet we BOTH get a cheat day and that person has to do something embarrassing of the other persons choosing. Its been two days. But she seems much happier this time around when i ask her about her diet. And she did go to the gym with me yesterday. This could be the start of a great thing. Wish us luck.

 

Good luck!

 

I'm glad you two worked out a compromise. Keep us posted.

 

I don't know you've mentioned this somewhere in this massive thread, but I hope you don't leave your computer on. I wouldn't want her to get on your computer and find this thread.