My ex is getting married - why do I feel so bad?

[Thornton]

I was in grad school when I met this guy who was on a temporary exchange from another school. He was only going to be around for a while, but I really fell for him and I figured we could work something out - we were only a year away from graduation, so I thought we could have an LDR when he went home, and one of us could move cities after graduation, etc. He told me I was beautiful, he'd never felt this good about a relationship, and I just ate it up and believed every word.

 

We had a very intense five month relationship, which ended when he went home and I discovered that he had a girlfriend in his home city. He'd been with her for four years, lived with her, she spent Christmas at his mom's house, the whole nine yards. Some weekends when he told me he was flying home to see his buddies or his mom, he was actually with her. Naturally I was devastated and we broke up. I was more hurt that I've ever been in my entire life.

 

I didn't bother to interfere in his relationship by informing his girlfriend of what happened while he was away. He was obviously dissatisfied with his relationship, which was why he'd started cheating with me, and he said that being with me was what made him realize that his relationship didn't work, because it didn't even compare to how he felt when he was with me. Before we cut contact, he had actually ended his relationship and started dating other girls. Maybe it was wrong, but I felt some small measure of satisfaction that he hadn't chosen the other relationship over me and he was still single and searching for someone new.

 

Fast forward three years. My friend went to my ex's city on business last week, and randomly bumped into my ex, and they had a brief polite chat. My ex asked about me and my friend said that I'm fine. She then reported back to me that my ex dated other girls for a year, realized the grass isn't greener, and got back together with the girl he cheated on with me. He finished grad school, got a good job, bought a house with her last year, and he proposed to her - the wedding is at Christmas.

 

I feel like crap I don't envy the other girl because he's messed her around for years and she probably still doesn't know he cheated with me; maybe he's cheated with others too. I don't want him back because he treated me so badly and he's not trustworthy. But I still feel bad for two reasons:

 

1] When he wanted to get back together with someone, he chose her. So now I kinda feel like he chose her over me, and that hurts because I really loved him. It feels like our relationship meant nothing, and all the stuff he said about his relationship not working was lies.

 

2] He has everything I've always wanted in my life - the great job, the house, the upcoming wedding. I lost my job last year and have had no luck in finding a new one so I'm working a crappy retail job to make ends meet. I can't afford to buy a house, and I'm not engaged nor could I afford a wedding. I feel like he mistreated me, and now his life is perfect and mine is a mess, and it seems unfair.

 

Logically I know that I should feel sorry for this girl who doesn't know what a douche he is, and I know that I have a decent trustworthy boyfriend who loves me and is miles better than that jerk. I know that I wouldn't want him back even if he crawled to me on his hands and knees. I just feel p****d off at the unfairness of life, and annoyed that life is going great for a douche like him while I'm broke and unmarried.

[brokendreamz]

Harsh, but you know what? You're second guessing that all is rosy in his garden!

 

If he wasn't sure about her back then, he probably isn't now - us guys sometimes just go along with what ever is easy.

 

Try not to think about him/them. You know he's not the right one for you just like I now know my ex of 8 years is wrong for me.

 

It hurts like notheing else, but in the end we won't go making the same mistakes again.

 

Some lessons are best learnt the hard way (although it REALLY sucks - I'm in a really bad place at the mo: I was engaged, had the lovely home, good job and girl of my dreams... All crumbled to dust when she left me and I have no idea what direction my life will take).

 

He's not worth one of your tears. Just remember... This too shall pass :0)

[Thornton]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, brokendreamz

 

I am just guessing that everything is rosy in his garden - everything would be rosy in my garden if I had the job/house/wedding that he's got!

 

He said that he and his gf were more like friends and didn't have sex, and that was why he cheated when we found each other attractive - I don't know whether that's true or not, but there was obviously something wrong with the relationship since he subsequently dumped her in order to date other women.

 

From what I gather, he was disillusioned with the dating market and didn't find anything better, so after a year or so (when he turned 30) he went back to his previous relationship. I know his mom loved her and she was best buddies with his sister, plus they had a lot of mutual friends, so I guess they were all putting pressure on him to get back with her. Maybe it was just the easiest thing for him to do; they had a history and a shared life, and it was easier to pick that up again than to keep looking for something new. I'm just assuming that he's blissfully happy and in love, but maybe that isn't the case.

 

I guess what annoys me is that this other girl has everything I wanted - the man I wanted, a house and a wedding etc - and I have nothing, no job or house or wedding. I don't want my ex back since he's proven himself to be a douche, but despite that I am a little jealous. I once told him I loved a particular breed of dog, and he even went out and bought one of those dogs for them to share together, and she has no idea that they have that dog because I wanted it! So I kind of feel like she has the exact life I once wanted, even down to my choice of dog.

 

The other thing is that his life seems so perfect and it just highlights how I don't have any of those things in my own life. So I kinda feel like he's achieved everything I dreamed of, and I'm just a failure.

[brokendreamz]

Don't think of it as a faliure - think of it as dodging a bullet! Imagine if you were in her shoes... It's only a matter of time before he cheats again and Karma has a way of squaring things in the end.

 

You are on a journey and you've hit a speed bump. Learn from this experience and move on, incredibly difficult to do but hey - what's the alternative!?

 

Look forward and don't ever look back - you can do it, mope for a while sure, but don't get sucked under, it's not worth it.

 

YOU WILL BE A BETTER PERSON FOR THIS.

[Thornton]

I know I don't want to be in his fiancee's shoes given that he's such a douchebag. I just feel jealous that everything seems to have worked out perfectly for him; he's the cheating, lying bad guy, and it seems unfair that he has everything I ever wanted while I have nothing.

 

The fact that he even bought her the type of dog I chose was a real kick in the teeth, and my friend related a few other things that he's doing which are actually my dreams that I shared with him! She was like "Oh Jake said he really got into gardening since he bought his house, and he grows different types of lilies cos they're his favorite", and I'm like "Uhh no, lilies are my favorite, and I told him I'd love to grow different types when I can afford a place with a garden"!

 

It feels like he's made a note of my dreams and is making them come true for someone else, and she probably thinks he's really romantic and thoughtful, and doesn't know that these things were actually shared with him by the girl he cheated on her with! I wouldn't mind so much if my life was great, but it isn't. They were my dreams, and yet he has them and I don't

[Finch]

People all around you have houses, gardens, dogs, and fiancées. Some will be similar to what you had wanted for yourself. Why does this guy's life bug you so much? For two reasons:

 

The first is that you probably feel a little taken advantage of by him. He created a relationship with you under false pretenses when it was convenient for him and then promptly broke it off when it ceased to be advantageous. When it ended you were mollified by the fact that he did not stay with his girlfriend, but rather moved on to someone else, making you feel like maybe you 'made him realize something'. You didn't have him anymore, but then neither did the girlfriend. Now he's back together with her, and you wonder 'why?' You're never going to understand why he decided to go back to her or why she took him back. You'll just never have access to that information. You are not envious of his girlfriend, but you are envious of the life they seem to have together. Envy, plain and simple, compounded by the fact that because of how he treated you, you feel this man does not deserve these successes. You now see him as having gained some success that you do not yet have, and you begrudge him that because he wronged you.

 

The second reason you feel this way is because you feel he 'stole' your ideas, your hopes, your desires. The good news is that you can feel a little superior in that he doesn't seem to have any original ideas of his own. You could even think of it as flattering. You made an impression on him - so what if someone else gets some of the benefits? You can always do those same things and more in your own time. A house and an upcoming wedding do not necessarily a happy life make. And furthermore, life isn't a race, and there is no need to feel like you've fallen behind just because an ex has things that you also want. You'll get there. Forget about him - put him right out of your mind and start thinking about the things you are working towards yourself. Do not let his "accomplishments" cause you to stall out in your own life! Many of us feel down when things aren't going our way, but focusing on what other people have and feeling like you lack something isn't going to help. That way lies madness. Our lives are always changing, neither his situation nor yours will stay they way they currently are for very long. You have goals - focus on those and ignore the things you have no control over, such as what foolish exes are up to.

[reimeivn]

He chose her over you?? No no not because she is better than you or he loves her more then he does to you. He just been with her for longer, so it is safer to continue staying with her. Especially when she didnt find out that he cheated, or, "better" she let him cheat.

[buster2209]

Wow, that guy, sorry, boy, is a complete **** bag. It's pricks like him that tarnish the rest us.....

 

Anyway, outward appearances are not a sign of true happiness.

 

Think of it like this, you were the one who showed him he didn't want to be with his g/f, then a year dating taught him that no self respecting woman would have him so he crawls back to his fall back plan.

 

I guaran-damn-tee though that his life will either be one of complete and utter unhappiness (regardless of what it looks like), he'll get divorced, or he'll cheat on her again.

 

Karma is a bitch but tends to have a longer timeline that what we like.

 

The guy is an a-hole and the universe will correct his 'happy' life.

[Thornton]

People all around you have houses, gardens, dogs, and fiancées. Some will be similar to what you had wanted for yourself. Why does this guy's life bug you so much?

It doesn't bother me that everyone else has those things; I don't feel envious of others at all. A couple of my other exes are married and I didn't even bat an eyelid. But it bothers me with this guy because, as you said, I feel like he took advantage of me and he doesn't deserve to play happy families with the girl he cheated on. I probably wouldn't feel as bad if he was marrying a different girl. It especially bothers me that he's continued his life with her as if I never even existed, and she's still in the dark about it all.

 

Think of it like this, you were the one who showed him he didn't want to be with his g/f, then a year dating taught him that no self respecting woman would have him so he crawls back to his fall back plan.

 

I guaran-damn-tee though that his life will either be one of complete and utter unhappiness (regardless of what it looks like), he'll get divorced, or he'll cheat on her again.

I actually think that's what he did. He didn't meet anyone else who suited him, and he was being pressured from all sides, so when he turned 30 he crawled back to the guaranteed safe option. His mom and sister like her, they have mutual friends, she's trustworthy and faithful, she's prepared to sacrifice her career for his, and he already knows he can pull the wool over her eyes if he wants to.

 

I really hope he is happy and can be faithful to her this time; I dislike him for how he treated me but I'd hate to see him be miserable, and I'd hate to see his innocent fiancee be miserable too. Hopefully his experiences have taught him that cheating is bad and he should be grateful that a nice girl wants to be with him... although sadly I have a feeling that he will end up cheating again.