I'm in Hell and the door is Locked

[depressed (please help!)]

This may sound like a rant, please bear with me, but I have found myself in Hell. I am involved in a serious relationship but lately I have been very concerned that my desires for the future do not jibe with those of my guy. He wants the nice little family life with the kiddies and the minivan, and that's great, but I'm just not into that. Yet I know from his frequent mentions of living together and wanting to one day marry me that he figures I'll change my mind. I have no desire to have a load of rugrats or drive a minivan or clean house waiting for my hubby to come home. So, I can see my relationship fading into the sunset. A little depressing. Okay, and to add to my depression every person my boyfriend knows is either dying to marry their bitchy girlfriends (his best friend) or has gotten their girlfriend pregnant (2 of his close friends and at least 4 other people he is in contact with) and will have to marry in the near future. I am surrounded by people who are throwing themselves into the hell of domesticity and it's only serving to confront me with the fact that my relationship of four years is going to head down the nearest toilet as soon as my boyfriend decides he wants to join the ranks of parenthood. What am I going to do? Every time he informs me of the latest unplanned pregnancy or hasty marriage plans I go bonkers. I just want to run away. That may sound irrational but I feel like I have to get away from these loonies. Do they know what they are getting into? Am I the only one who wants to enjoy my life until I collect Social Security? Am I being irrational getting into a fight with my boyfriend every time the subject of marriage and children comes up? I get criticized for it enough. Is this relationship doomed?

[Tony T]

Society seems to get people focused on the family and children thing. People don't normally analyze it as much as you have...don't realize the 18 or more years of hell, dirty diapers, screaming kids, rushes to the ER for stitches, searching the neighborhood for the missing ones, worrying if they'll get shot at school, beating off their demands for more allowances or their screams for toys like Johnny's got, etc. etc.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. Parenthood is not for everyone and thankfully you have realized it before it's too late. Many get stuck and realize way too late that it's not for them. Some murder their kids for bedwetting, screaming, etc. Others just beat them unmercifully for whatever. Some advance a mixture of verbal and physical abuse on the young ones...some do it because that's the way they were treated as children, others because they find childrearing very stressful and complicated. The majority try their best to raise their children the right way, struggling to meet family needs along the way.

 

If your guy is dead set on doing the house with the picket fence, 2.35 children, and Sunday afternoon picnic in the park thing, you are simply with the wrong dude. Have a good talk with him, fill him in on what having a family entails, and if that's still what he wants make plans to wind down the relationship to free him to find a lady who wants the same thing.

 

Parenting is the most challenging thing adults can do while on earth, and the most selfless act requiring sacrifices unimagined. I have talked to so many people who have said they love their children with all their hearts and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world but if they had it to do over again, they would opt out of childraising.

 

Who knows, maybe you'll change your mind...but it doesn't sound like it. I'm so sorry your relationship has come to a fork in the road but you knew this issue would have to be confronted sooner of later.

 

There are many men out there who either do not want children or are neutral on the matter. If I were you, knowing how you feel, I would advertise for a guy with a vasectomy...and have it checked annually.

 

It really doesn't sound like you are a good match for the guy you are with...and you know it. But you are one smart cookie to have thought about all of this in advance.

[Deejette]

I am in a similar situation with a man who has two kids that need to be driven to soccer, friends' houses, etc. and we have come to an impasse as to what to do. I probably shouldn't have started with him to begin with. He really needs someone to help him with his kids, and I am not that one. But I really love him and it breaks my heart to let him go so he can find someone more in keeping with his needs. It is a heartbreaking situation, but it would be even more heartbreaking if I pretended that I wanted to help him raise his children and deal with his other baggage as well. I know that the romantic love I feel for him would soon vanish in the pots and pans of everyday living. I will probably have to let him go, but the longer I put it off, the more difficult it becomes, as my attachement grows.

 

So the door is not locked yet. You may have to cut yourself a bit and deal with the pain to set yourself free. I wish us both luck!

Society seems to get people focused on the family and children thing. People don't normally analyze it as much as you have...don't realize the 18 or more years of hell, dirty diapers, screaming kids, rushes to the ER for stitches, searching the neighborhood for the missing ones, worrying if they'll get shot at school, beating off their demands for more allowances or their screams for toys like Johnny's got, etc. etc. There's nothing wrong with you. Parenthood is not for everyone and thankfully you have realized it before it's too late. Many get stuck and realize way too late that it's not for them. Some murder their kids for bedwetting, screaming, etc. Others just beat them unmercifully for whatever. Some advance a mixture of verbal and physical abuse on the young ones...some do it because that's the way they were treated as children, others because they find childrearing very stressful and complicated. The majority try their best to raise their children the right way, struggling to meet family needs along the way. If your guy is dead set on doing the house with the picket fence, 2.35 children, and Sunday afternoon picnic in the park thing, you are simply with the wrong dude. Have a good talk with him, fill him in on what having a family entails, and if that's still what he wants make plans to wind down the relationship to free him to find a lady who wants the same thing. Parenting is the most challenging thing adults can do while on earth, and the most selfless act requiring sacrifices unimagined. I have talked to so many people who have said they love their children with all their hearts and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world but if they had it to do over again, they would opt out of childraising. Who knows, maybe you'll change your mind...but it doesn't sound like it. I'm so sorry your relationship has come to a fork in the road but you knew this issue would have to be confronted sooner of later.

 

There are many men out there who either do not want children or are neutral on the matter. If I were you, knowing how you feel, I would advertise for a guy with a vasectomy...and have it checked annually. It really doesn't sound like you are a good match for the guy you are with...and you know it. But you are one smart cookie to have thought about all of this in advance.